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Unread 01-04-2009, 07:12 AM
 
Location: Eastern Maine
2,993 posts, read 1,396,934 times
Reputation: 25166
from a movie I watched last night... What do you call a 1000 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean.... a start
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Unread 01-05-2009, 05:16 PM
 
Location: 43.55N 69.58W
3,231 posts, read 4,411,979 times
Reputation: 2907
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Unread 01-05-2009, 05:23 PM
 
Location: 43.55N 69.58W
3,231 posts, read 4,411,979 times
Reputation: 2907
Default Martha stewart's tips for maine rednecks

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR MAINE REDNECKS
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom stall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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Unread 01-05-2009, 06:35 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,392 times
Reputation: 10
ayuh. That's funny right there.
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Unread 01-06-2009, 04:07 PM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
2,846 posts, read 2,757,504 times
Reputation: 1722
It’s the University of Edinburg, a freshman anatomy class for med students and the professor is trying to give a lecture. During his speaking, there is a girl about 3 rows back. She is getting married in 4 months and is telling her friend next to her all about the wedding, the dresses, the honeymoon and every detail.

The professor gets angry and calls to her (you have to use a Scottish accent here). “Young lass in the 3rd row, can ya tell me, what part of the human anatomy, if properly stimulated, will grow to 10 times its normal size?” The girl is obviously embarrassed as blazes and can do nothing but turn red, stutter and stammer.

A girl in front raises her hand and the professor calls on her. “It’s the pupil in the eye, sir.”

“Absolutely correct” he says.

He turns back to the girl in the 3rd row and says “Lass, I can tell 3 things by the way ya dinnah answer ma question. First, ya dinnah read the lesson I assigned 2 days ago. 2nd, ya haven’t been listenin’ to a bloody word I been sayin up here. And 3rd, yer gonna be sadly disappointed on yer honeymoon!”
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Unread 01-25-2009, 07:56 PM
 
Location: some where maine
2,059 posts, read 2,434,699 times
Reputation: 1228
i heard this one this morning.took my dad shoping the other day (he's 85) and while we were out we grabd some lunch.as we are sitting there a young man sat down at the table next to us.he had spiked rainbow hair red yellow blue green.my dad just kept looking at him.every time the kid looked over he saw my dad just stairing.finaly the kid spoke up and said (what are you looking at havent you ever done any thing crazy in your whole live old man?)with out batting an eye my dad spoke up and said.(got drunk once had sex with a peacock and i was just wondering if you were my son.)
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Unread 01-26-2009, 11:16 AM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
2,846 posts, read 2,757,504 times
Reputation: 1722
You might be from a small town if...

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.

2. You know what 4-H is.

3. You ever went to a party that was held about 20 miles down a deserted dirt road.

4. You used to "drag main."

5. You said the 'F' word and your parents knew within an hour.

6. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers since you know which ones would bust you.

7. You ever went or thought about going cow-tipping.

8. School gets canceled for a sports team going to State.

9. You could never buy cigarettes cause all the store clerks knew how old you were.

10. When you did find someone old enough to buy smokes for you, you had to drive down country backroads to smoke them.

11. You never missed a Homecoming parade.

12. You still go home for Homecoming.

13. It was cool to date someone from a neighboring town.

14. You had a senior skip day.

15. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

16. You can't help but date a friend's ex.

17. Your car is always filthy from the dirt backroads.

18. You think that kids who ride skateboards are
weird.

19. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snotty" when it is just like your town.

20. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.

21. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."

22. The people in the big city dress funny then you pick up on the cool new trend two years later.

23. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

24. On Fridays, anyone you want to find can be at Main Street or the local restaurants.

25. Weekend excitement involves a trip to Wal-mart.

26. Even the ugly people enter beauty contests.

27. You decide to walk for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you need a ride.

28. Your teachers call you by your older sibling's name.

29. The closest "cool stores" are at least 45 miles away.

30. You laugh your head off reading this because you know it's true.
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Unread 02-09-2009, 07:02 PM
 
21 posts, read 33,991 times
Reputation: 16
Default Actor David Caruso!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mollysmiles View Post
are there blue-eyed red head italians? I just realized I'm italian! hmmm.... or maybe it was growing up Catholic?


(although the kids living at home part didn't apply to me.... hope it doesn't apply to my kids!)
Actor David Caruso has red hair and blue eyes. I believe he is half Italian and half Irish.
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Unread 02-11-2009, 05:14 AM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
2,846 posts, read 2,757,504 times
Reputation: 1722
Quote:
Originally Posted by GarlicGuy View Post
from a movie I watched last night... What do you call a 1000 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean.... a start
What do you call 15 lawyers skydiving? Skeet. Probly all ready told on here. Ah well.
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Unread 02-11-2009, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Right were I should be!
1,080 posts, read 925,278 times
Reputation: 1070
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