Jokes- Keep em clean please (Jay: condo, how much, price)

[genmomto5]

Following the problems in the financial sector in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Oh yes, and the Karma sutra bank is f****d

[quiet walker]

An E-mail from Ireland

An email from Ireland to all of our brethren in the States... a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on.
And that woman just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run!
Now... On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!!!

What in God's name are ye lads thinkin' over there in the colonies ?

[mollysmiles]

lol... these are good you guys!

[Maine Writer]

From another board:

That's How The Fight Started- - - - -
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.

**********
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.

*********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hai r. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And that's how the fight started.

**********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started.....

**************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started.

[Elcarim]

OMG it hurts to laugh!!! Y'all have to stop!!

[mensaguy]

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you, since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
Canadian Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your Canadian Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

[Siobjuan]

Thanks so much! I love them all!

Keep em comin!


~Siobjuan



How do you know if an Irishman is gay?






He prefers women to Whiskey!

[Asta]

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven - don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, tanned.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[island mermaid]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f-ing funeral director would be my first guess."

[Asta]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks toward her and she says, "Hello." He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."