Jokes- Keep em clean please (sale, theater, allergies)

[reloop]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.

[retiredtinbender]

Great joke. Keep 'em coming.

[reloop]

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”


Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?


His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!

[reloop]

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven when three men appeared, all of them doctors. Peter looked at the first one and asked, 'What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'

'I was an oncologist—I helped many cancer patients and saved many lives,' the man answered.
'Very well,' said St. Peter. 'You may enter...'

Peter looked at the second man and asked, 'What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'
'I was a clinical pediatrician—I helped many poor kids who could not afford private care,' said the second man.
'Very well,' said St. Peter. 'You may enter...'

Peter then turned to the third man and asked, 'And what have YOU done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'


'I was the director of a large HMO company in the United States,' the third man said proudly. St. Peter paused and looked in his book for a few minutes. After a while, he looked up and said to the third man, 'Well, you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but you may only stay for three days....'

[reloop]

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.


The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.


I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

[retiredtinbender]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

[maureenb]

I am ashamed I laughed at that, Tinbender...

[retiredtinbender]

Don't be ashamed of laughing. Thanks for doing that though.

[reloop]

Cursed "Size" marks!!!

MENSA World Invitational

Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post MENSA Invitational which,once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition :


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an ___________ fill in the blank.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5 Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting date (okay, so I cleaned that one up a little).

. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to it's yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.: The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj.: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v.: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v.: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj.: Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.: To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n.: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n.: A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n.: A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n.: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.: A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n.: A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

[reloop]

I like the "respect" aspect...Remember, the thread is jokes! Don't roast me...