Jokes- Keep em clean please (coops, cabinet, bus)

[retiredtinbender]

I got a picture like that in an email. Wanted to post it but must have deleted it. Good sign, IMHO. But continuing on...

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,
Followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

[island mermaid]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Maine and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He
rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running..
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies,
and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'

[retiredtinbender]

Nice one. Gotta pass that around

[reloop]

These are supposedly true, but I haven't verified them.


These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." Cockroaches?

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." Next!

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

[reloop]

MAINE

You may not step out of a plane in flight. Ya 'spose?

NEW JERSEY

It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.


MINNESOTA

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. It's probably bad for the hairdo.

All bathtubs must have feet.

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. What's up with poultry in MN?


ALASKA
Alaska's More Important Laws

In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

MONTANA

It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. Oh, I'm not even going there.

NEW YORK

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

IDAHO

Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. Perhaps Idaho may be my next home?

WEST VIRGINIA

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

Roadkill may be taken home for supper. Hmmm...sounds like Maine.

CALIFORNIA

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Oh how very "progressive."

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Wonder if they got the memo on that?

GEORGIA

Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Or probably any other time for that matter...

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. Oh, but where will I keep my a... - nevermind...

SOUTH DAKOTA

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. Hmmm...that provides and interesting picture...

[reloop]

The Spoof : Wine Flu Hits Italy funny satire story

[reloop]

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY....

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland "


Grandkids - Kinda brings a tear to your eye!

[msina]

LMAO!!! That was a good un.

[retiredtinbender]

Yes it is. LMAO2

[reloop]

A friend just gave me a copy of The Maine Dictionary written by John McDonald and illustrated by Peter Wallace.

Here's a few excerpts:

DAW-YAHD That paht of your yahd that's by your back daw. Daw-yahds are traditionally the place a Mainah stores those special things he cahn't beah to paht with right off-things like engine blocks, wood stoves, old tires, chainsaws, couches, boats, moorings, or washahs and dryahs.

Speaking of daws, if you spend much time in Maine you'll notice that Mainahs nevah-and I mean nevah use their front daw, except maybe in case of fire or a wake they might be havin' in the front pahlah, and sometimes, not even then. The surest way to let a Mainah know you're from away is to walk up and knock on his front door.

Dressin' When you hear Mainers talk about dressin', they're generally not referring to what they put on their salads. More than likely, the dressin' refers to cow dressin' or hen dressin'. Dressin' is used for fertilizer on your garden.

A Down East farmah was talikng to his out-of-state neighbor about his strawberries and said, "I've always liked a good hen dressin' on my strawberries," to which his neighbor replied, "I still prefer whipped cream on mine."

Link to book:

Maine Dictionary