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Old 10-08-2008, 07:38 PM
 
51 posts, read 126,266 times
Reputation: 52

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An Irish lass decides to leave her little village and seek her fortune in Dublin. While there, she becomes a high-priced call girl. She returns home a few years later to visit her family. She's driving a sports car and she's wearing expensive clothes and diamond jewelry.

Her father says, "Kathleen, me darlin', I have to ask ye - how much are they payin' secretaries in Dublin these days?"

The lass says, "Oh, father, I canna' lie to ye n'more - I'm a prostitute!"

Her father clutches his chest, looks to Heaven, and wails, "Oh, me heart! The shame! Oh, the shame! I'm comin', Jaysus, I'm comin' to ye!"

The lass says, "I'm sorry, father! Please don't die! I promise I'll give up bein' a prostitute!"

The father straightens up, lets go of his chest, and says, "Prostitute? Oh, thank God, me darlin'! I thought ye said Protestant!"
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Old 10-08-2008, 10:49 PM
 
Location: Eastport, Maine
312 posts, read 636,590 times
Reputation: 210
Norman, Stanley and Moishe were three old men sitting on the park bench outside of the nursing home comparing their illnesses to see who had it the worst.

Norman says: "You guys think *you* have it bad! I haven't had a bowel movement in 3 days!"

Stanley says: "Three days! I *wish* it had only been 3 days!! It's been a week for me!!!"

Moishe says: "Oy vay, you have no idea my problems!! I go regularly every morning at 7:30!"

Norman and Stanley look at each other and scratch their heads, "but Moishe, you can't be any more regular than that! What's the problem with that?"

To which Moishe replies: "yeah, but I don't wake up until 8:30!!!"
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:19 PM
 
Location: 43.55N 69.58W
3,231 posts, read 6,668,170 times
Reputation: 2972
OBAMA, BIDEN & KENNEDY on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the Kennedy prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river.

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, Biden prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, Obama prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

Poof! .. He was turned into Sarah Palin . She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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Old 10-09-2008, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Maine
6,053 posts, read 11,429,890 times
Reputation: 5568
I just made the rounds for points. If I couldn't get you I'll be back when I spread it around some more.
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Old 10-09-2008, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Lowell Maine
44 posts, read 112,881 times
Reputation: 59
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURTDOCKET12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY





A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.




The case came up in court.





The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.





The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident' . . . I just lost it . '





CASE DISMISSED!!
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Old 10-09-2008, 06:35 PM
 
Location: Eastport, Maine
312 posts, read 636,590 times
Reputation: 210
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat
facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones,
they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?' pointing to the bowl. Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I
was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?
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Old 10-10-2008, 03:29 PM
 
Location: Sacramento, CA/Dover-Foxcroft, ME
1,810 posts, read 2,969,407 times
Reputation: 2831
Don't watch this video if you don't like to be scarred or scared.

Girl on bike. Ouch! But not one scratch. Good for her.


YouTube - GirlonBike

so, so sorry...hint...Happy Halloween
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Old 10-11-2008, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Southwestern Ohio
4,112 posts, read 5,838,319 times
Reputation: 1620
I will post agin when my heart resumes beating!!!!
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:47 AM
 
290 posts, read 565,826 times
Reputation: 415
Smile Moose Hunting Season

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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Old 10-20-2008, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Right were I should be!
1,081 posts, read 1,473,492 times
Reputation: 1109
There are two blondes walking in the woods of Maine when they come upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde says "Hey, I know what THESE are, The're Moose tracks!"

The second blonde replies, "No they're not. These are DEER prints."





Just then the train came and hit them both.
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