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An Irish lass decides to leave her little village and seek her fortune in Dublin. While there, she becomes a high-priced call girl. She returns home a few years later to visit her family. She's driving a sports car and she's wearing expensive clothes and diamond jewelry.
Her father says, "Kathleen, me darlin', I have to ask ye - how much are they payin' secretaries in Dublin these days?"
The lass says, "Oh, father, I canna' lie to ye n'more - I'm a prostitute!"
Her father clutches his chest, looks to Heaven, and wails, "Oh, me heart! The shame! Oh, the shame! I'm comin', Jaysus, I'm comin' to ye!"
The lass says, "I'm sorry, father! Please don't die! I promise I'll give up bein' a prostitute!"
The father straightens up, lets go of his chest, and says, "Prostitute? Oh, thank God, me darlin'! I thought ye said Protestant!"
Eastport: Bohemian Mayberry by the Sea -- love it!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Eastport, Maine
312 posts, read 169,254 times
Reputation: 195
Norman, Stanley and Moishe were three old men sitting on the park bench outside of the nursing home comparing their illnesses to see who had it the worst.
Norman says: "You guys think *you* have it bad! I haven't had a bowel movement in 3 days!"
Stanley says: "Three days! I *wish* it had only been 3 days!! It's been a week for me!!!"
Moishe says: "Oy vay, you have no idea my problems!! I go regularly every morning at 7:30!"
Norman and Stanley look at each other and scratch their heads, "but Moishe, you can't be any more regular than that! What's the problem with that?"
To which Moishe replies: "yeah, but I don't wake up until 8:30!!!"
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the Kennedy prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, Biden prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, Obama prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.
Poof! .. He was turned into Sarah Palin . She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURTDOCKET12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident' . . . I just lost it . '
Eastport: Bohemian Mayberry by the Sea -- love it!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Eastport, Maine
312 posts, read 169,254 times
Reputation: 195
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat
facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?' pointing to the bowl. Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I
was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Welcome to City-Data.com forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with 700,000 other registered members. User profiles and some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your free account you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 15,000 posts/day about local topics and you will see fewer ads. 
Moose Hunting Season
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