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Unread 11-21-2009, 09:09 PM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,467 posts, read 3,043,232 times
Reputation: 2238
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?

'Twelve thirty.

__________________________________________________ __________________

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.


A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful..'',Morris replied.

To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'

__________________________________________________ __________________

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.


After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.


The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'


'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
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Unread 11-27-2009, 07:17 PM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,467 posts, read 3,043,232 times
Reputation: 2238
Default one-liners

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Unread 11-27-2009, 07:37 PM
RHB
 
1,063 posts, read 1,090,592 times
Reputation: 857
I've used "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART" on a birthday cake once.

I think you gave me my next birthday cake - "Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs"
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Unread 11-27-2009, 07:39 PM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,467 posts, read 3,043,232 times
Reputation: 2238
Default Your New Douglass Aircraft-Space Systems-Missiles

Customer Feedback

MCDONELL DOUGLASS AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within ten days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.

Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name ______________ Initial__________________
Last Name________________

Latitude_________________
Longitude________________

Altitude_________________
Password_________________
Code name________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-119A Stealth __Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month_____Day_____ Year______________

4. Serial Number______

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package _Catalog Showroom _Sleazy Arms Broker _Mail Order _Discount Store _Government Surplus _Hijacked it using one of our spies _Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up _Store Display _Espionage _Recommended by friend/relative/ally _Political lobbying by Manufacturer _Was attacked by one _Was bombed by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance _Kickback/Bribe _Recommended by salesperson _Speed/Maneuverability _Comfort/Convenience _McDonnell Douglas Reputation _Advanced Weapons Systems _Price/Value _Back-Room Politics _Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_Latin America _South America _Aircraft Carrier _Europe _Middle East _Africa _Asia/Far East _Misc. Third-World Countries _Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product Own
Intend to purchase

ICBM Killer Satellite Air-to-Air Missiles Space Shuttle Nuclear Weapon Hydrogen/Neutron Bomb Light Sabre X-Wing Fighter Millenium Falcon Imperial Star Destroyer Death Star

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Communist/Socialist _Terrorist _Islamic Fundamentalist _Zionist _Nazi _Neutral _Democratic _Dictatorship _Corrupt (Latin American) _Corrupt (Other) _Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash _Suitcases of Cocaine _Oil Revenues _Deficit Spending _Personal Check _Credit Card _Ransom Money _Traveller's Check _Swiss bank account transactions _Counterfeit $100 bills

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Revolutionary Clerical Mercenary Tyrant Corporate CEO Dictator Oil Billionaire Drug Lord Defense Minister/General Retired Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate all the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating in on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Spouse

Sabotage Propaganda/Disinformation Destabilizing/Overthrow Bankruptcy Industrial Espionage Black Market/Smuggling Interrogation/Torture Crushing Rebellions Military Reconnaissance Border Disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Golf

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800 St. Louis, MO 55500
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Unread 11-27-2009, 07:41 PM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,467 posts, read 3,043,232 times
Reputation: 2238
Quote:
Originally Posted by RHB View Post
I've used "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART" on a birthday cake once.

I think you gave me my next birthday cake - "Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs"
Glad I could help.
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Unread 11-30-2009, 09:43 PM
 
8,748 posts, read 10,561,991 times
Reputation: 3392
Here's the latest joke

The New England Patriots!!

They looked GREAT in New Orleans tonight!
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Unread 12-01-2009, 04:22 AM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
2,850 posts, read 2,777,101 times
Reputation: 1732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maineah View Post
Here's the latest joke

The New England Patriots!!

They looked GREAT in New Orleans tonight!
Heard that one a few times before. LOL
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Unread 12-01-2009, 06:39 AM
 
Location: On a Slow-Sinking Granite Rock Up North
3,467 posts, read 3,043,232 times
Reputation: 2238
Default Church Bulletins - some old, some new.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-----------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
-----------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
-----------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-----------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

-----------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-----------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
-------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Hmmm..might be a tight fit.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck Supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in theFellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------------------
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Unread 12-03-2009, 06:43 AM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
2,850 posts, read 2,777,101 times
Reputation: 1732
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
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Unread 12-03-2009, 03:16 PM
 
Location: 3.5 sq mile island ant nest next to Canada
2,850 posts, read 2,777,101 times
Reputation: 1732
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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