Jokes- Keep em clean please (Saco, Clinton: fit in, attorney, public school)

[cebdark]

Love it...

[retiredtinbender]

President Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Obama replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Obama paused. "I must tell you Archie that we have one million men in our army waiting to move on my command."

"Holyjeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Obama asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that we have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased our army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard t'underin' bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Obama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that we have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. Our military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased our army to two million!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Obama . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[maureenb]

exquisite dialect, tinbendah'! thank you, eh?!

[retiredtinbender]

I try my best with the accents. Glad it came through Merry Christmas.

[cebdark]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a
Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist
in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the
service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the
mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to
take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised,
walked over to where the mechanic was working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on
a rag and asked, 'So Doc , look at this engine. I open its heart,
take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back
in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big
bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?' The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned
over, then whispered to the mechanic...



'Try doing it with the engine running.

[cebdark]

The proper things to do during the winter months.

1. When invited to a dinner party, it's bad to show up without a gift for the host. A bottle of dry-gas or a roll of duct-tape will normally suffice.

2. When weather reaches below zero, you are allowed to let your animals inside.

3. Think Green: Don't throw out your Christmas tree. Light in on fire in your backyard instead and invite all your friends over for a bonfire.

4. If your aunt wraps herself in Christmas lights, plugs herself in and starts singing "Rhinestone Cowboy", don't think anything of it...

5. Plowing over pedestrians with snowmobiles is acceptable, especially if they're from Canada.

6. Red Sox pajamas, two winter coats and a random hat are perfectly acceptable to go grocery shopping in.

7. Sticking your rack of beer outside in the snow bank to keep it cold is cool when you run out of room in the fridge.

8. You are allowed to harrass the plow guy that traps you into your own driveway and blasts your mailbox over with his truck.

9. Men must grow beards during hunting season to keep their faces warm and are only allowed to shave them off in the event that they get a deer. If not; you are doomed to be a mountain man until the next season.

10. It's acceptable to bury your neighbor's house with snow when using the snow blower, you just can't break any windows. And try to refrain from burying the neighbor's dog in snow but if it's unavoidable... then ok.

11. If a girl/boy scout comes to your door selling cookies in January or February, buy some friggin cookies... but if it's a bottle drive pretend you aren't home... those are your empty bottles to be turned in to buy more booze.

[cebdark]

A Maine gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.


Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A."



After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen in my entire career."

[retiredtinbender]

Good One!!

[maureenb]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

[Acadianlion]

I am not sure where I heard this story, but since so many have had children, I thought I'd tell it:

A little boy awakened in the middle of the night needing to go to the bathroom.

As he walked down the hall he looked through the open door to his mother's bedroom. There on top of her bed she lay, writhing and moaning in her sleep, saying: "I want a man. I need a man".

The next night it was the same thing. He looked into her bedroom, and there she was writhing and moaning in her sleep: "I need a man. I want a man."

The third night the story repeated. Only this time as he walked down the hallway, he looked into his mothers bedroom, and there was a man in bed with her!
*************************

Another night and the mother awakened hearing strange noises from her son's bedroom. She got out of bed and walked down the hall to look in the open door to her young son's bedroom.

There on the bed was her son, writhing and moaning, and saying............................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...............(wait for it!).............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ....................."I want a bike! I want a bike!"