Jokes- Keep em clean please (compensation, swimming pool, activities)

[retiredtinbender]

LMAO Reloop. Good ones.

[cebdark]

A foreign tourist asks a Maine Diver:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Maine Diver Replies:

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the *$%**n' boat"

[cebdark]

If you've lived in Maine, then you should know this things...

* You've had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.

* You diet all week so you can consume 40,000 calories at a fair.

* You eat ice cream with flavors like "Moose Tracks" and "Maine Black Bear".

* When it snows four inches you call it "a dusting."

* You are surprised to discover there aren't fried clam shacks elsewhere in the country.

* You know what an Irving is and the location of 15 of them.

* Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.

* You can drive the Augusta traffic circles without breaking into a cold sweat.

* You think a gravel pit is a cool place to hang out

* You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.

* You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid State Park.

* Even your school cafeteria made good chowder.

* You know how to pronounce Calais, Machias, Madrid and Vienna.



* You know that The Airline has nothing to do with planes.

* You've made a meal out of a Jordan's red-skinned hot-dog and a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips.

* You know that a chocolate doughnut is not a white doughnut with chocolate frosting.

* You've gone to a bean supper.

*You know the difference between pea, Yellow-eye, and Red Kidney.

* You wouldn't eat beans in tomato sauce or Manhattan clam chowder if you were starving.



* In high school, you (or a friend) packed Deering or Gifford Ice Cream cones.

*At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on you.

*At least once in your life you've said, "It smells like the mill in here."

* Every summer and fall, there's a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.

* You call that long sandwich an "Italian".

* Your idea of a traffic jam is being the second car at the stoplight.

* Your house converts to a B&B every July & August for people from away that you happen to know.

*All year long you're tracking sand in the house- from the beach in the summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.



* You have a front door but no steps to get to it.

* Your kids start using "wicked" as a multipurpose part of speech.

* You start your shopping by looking in Uncle Henry's.

*You have shopped at the Big Chicken Barn.

*You've ditched the car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!

* You've had a vacation from school just to help the family pick potatoes.
* You know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.

* You know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May.

* You go to the dump and bring back more than you brought.

*You've taken a date to the dump to watch the bears

*You watch "Murder She Wrote" and snicker at the stupid fake accents.

*You've swam in a quarry pond.

* You take the New Hampshire toll personally.

*You feel really good when you cross the Piscatiqua River Bridge into Kittery.

* You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.
* You've used a roll of Duct tape and a can of flat black spray paint to get your car to pass inspection.

* You have to replace your mailbox yearly because of the town plow.

* When you're supposed to dress up, you wear flannel with a tie.

*You know that Moody's Diner does NOT take credit cards!

* When the word "stove" refers to what you did to the right front fender of your truck going around the Augusta rotaries.

* When there's too much "stuff" in your 2 "cah" garage to get either of your cars into it.

* When you know what fly dope is.

*When you eat supper at night and dinner at noon.

*As a child, you played outside in a snow storm without hat, mittens, scarf and with your jacket open because it was just a little cool.

*The area around your back door is referred to as "the dooryard" .

*You've got a Moxie in the fridge.



Hope this brought back memories for all of you Maineiacs or former Maineiacs...

[retiredtinbender]

I take exception to everyone saying that Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like drunken sailors. When I was a drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out of money.

[starwalker]

Originally Posted by retiredtinbender

I take exception to everyone saying that Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like drunken sailors. When I was a drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out of money.

LOL that's the funniest thing I have heard today. Good one, guy!

[moughie]

More comebacks to pick up lines ( courtesy of Click and Clack)

!If he says: can I buy you a drink?
You say: actually, I'd rather have the money.

If he says: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
You say: I'm a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.

If he says: didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
You say: must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

If he says: go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
You say: okay, get out.

If he says: I think I could make you very happy.
You say: why? Are you leaving?

If he says: will you go out with me this Saturday?
You say: sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

[maureenb]

Moughie - thank you! The Tappet Bros. rule!

[cebdark]

Originally Posted by retiredtinbender

I take exception to everyone saying that Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like drunken sailors. When I was a drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out of money.

Bwaa ha ha ha...good one tinbender.

[retiredtinbender]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?' 'Osama Bin Laden,' she says. 'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock. Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.''I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the SOB.

[cebdark]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.


Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.


Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.


God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.


Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.