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Old 11-06-2008, 03:32 PM
 
Location: some where maine
2,059 posts, read 3,718,270 times
Reputation: 1240

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the lone ranger and tontoe were out rideing and decided to take a rest,when the lone rabger sat down he got bit on the but by a snake,then tontoe says i go get dr.so he rides in to town finds the dr and says you come quick kiemosabi bit by snake,the dr says i cant im in the middle of a operation,but you can fix him i will tell you how,first you take his pants down and then you take your knife and cut between the snake bite,then you suck all the poison from his butt tontoe heard that and looked at the dr in discust and says is that the olny way to save him the dr says yes if you dont suck all the pioson from his butt he will die, so tontoe rode back to the lone ranger,the lone ranger asked tontoe what did the dr say,tontoe replyes, him say you gona die.
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Old 11-07-2008, 11:05 AM
 
Location: In a van, down by the river.... LOL
21,338 posts, read 7,515,427 times
Reputation: 33307
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.
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Old 11-07-2008, 08:54 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,084,222 times
Reputation: 586
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “”Lord help us," one of them exclaimed after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those eejits!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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Old 11-08-2008, 10:28 AM
 
230 posts, read 807,782 times
Reputation: 371
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police arrived.

“My God!" the cop gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Right were I should be!
1,081 posts, read 1,473,007 times
Reputation: 1109
A blonde walked into a bar.






She didn't see it.
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Old 11-10-2008, 07:16 PM
 
Location: In a van, down by the river.... LOL
21,338 posts, read 7,515,427 times
Reputation: 33307
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me.
Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you
have started. So I looked around my house to see things
I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving
the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of
vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainde!
r of Prozic and Valum
scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box choclets. Yu
haf no ide who frekin guod I fel. Peas snd dis un to udders yu feal R in ned ove iner pece.
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Old 11-10-2008, 07:19 PM
 
Location: Corinth, ME
2,712 posts, read 5,012,789 times
Reputation: 1863
Quote:
Originally Posted by CoastalMaine View Post
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me.
Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you
have started. So I looked around my house to see things
I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving
the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of
vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainde!
r of Prozic and Valum
scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box choclets. Yu
haf no ide who frekin guod I fel. Peas snd dis un to udders yu feal R in ned ove iner pece.
Now you went and did it... normally I READ these funnies ALOUD to K, while he is doing something else on his computer... but this one I am going to have to copy, paste and EMAIL to him. LOL
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Old 11-10-2008, 08:28 PM
 
Location: In a van, down by the river.... LOL
21,338 posts, read 7,515,427 times
Reputation: 33307
http://pic18.picturetrail.com/VOL938.../342626997.jpg
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:46 PM
 
Location: 43.55N 69.58W
3,231 posts, read 6,666,617 times
Reputation: 2972
Quote:
Originally Posted by CoastalMaine View Post
Stop it! You're killing me.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:52 AM
 
Location: Maine
6,053 posts, read 11,425,876 times
Reputation: 5558
I tried to rep you Coastal but I have to spread it around. Are you sure that first one is a joke? It sounds like a prescription to me! lol I had to look at the picture twice before I got it. I thought Mommy was giving out money - then I took another sip of coffee.
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