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Old 11-07-2007, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Maryland
2 posts, read 10,484 times
Reputation: 11

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Ok I'm new to this, but I need help. I am 20 years old and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and a husband. We have been together for a little over 5 years and we have been married for a year and a half.

My husband decided to move in his 14 year old nephew with us in our two bedroom apartment. He wanted him to live with us because he caused too many problems to live with his dad and caused too much for his mom to keep him because she has 3 other kids. My husband works an hour away and he leaves at 4:30am and doesnt get home until 6 or 7pm. So I'm left with his nephew when he comes home from school and everything. I didn't agree to him moving in with us so I told my husband I wanted nothing to do with it. But of course this 14 year old boy does NOTHING around the apartment but leave messes. He won't clean up after himself. He won't do his own laundry. He cusses around my 3 year old, teaching her stuff that she should not know. He disrespects me almost every day by cussing at me and calling me names. I have dealt with it for 2 1/2 months now and I can't take it anymore. He steals money from me. He trys to steal from stores and gets caught and I have to go pay for the things. For the last 3 weeks, I havent done anything for him. I even cut him off from using my computer.

My husband defends him. He has turned my husband and I against each other. We were so happy before his nephew came along. And now my husband says I'm not gonna put him out like everyone else has. And when I tell him I'm gonna leave, he says nothing. I did leave for a few days and I didn't recieve a single phone call from him. He didn't even call to talk to our daughter. It hurts so bad because I want to be with him more than anything, but he won't let his nephew move back to his own mothers house. He puts his nephew before his own child and wife. I feel horrible because my daughter doesnt want to share a room with his because he's so messy and he breaks her toys. She wont even sleep in there with him here.

Can someone please help me and give me suggestions on how I can try and make this work?!

I'm so lost!
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Old 11-07-2007, 12:27 PM
 
1,389 posts, read 5,672,080 times
Reputation: 286
I had a similar situation happened to me. My brother 2 older kids (boys) move in with my husband and I. They are 14 and 16. The 16yr old is rude,bad. The 14yr old my husband and I think is slow. When they first came to visit I was having problems. Neither one wanted to clean,they watch tv all night. They would not listen. The 14yr old at one point wanted to fight me in my house. What I started to do is talk to them. What I realize is that their father never talked to them except punish them and so did every one else. What you need to do is sit down with him alone and talk to him you will be surprise to hear how he feels and why he acts the why he acts. I think he wants attention. Whenever he does something positive like pick up his clothes or laundry his clothes say something positive such as you did a really good job or I apprecicate you helping. What he needs is positive feedback and attention.
When people lash out its usually out of problems or issue. Something might of happen to him but the only way for him to express himself is out of anger because no one listen. Please just try to talk to him.
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Old 11-07-2007, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,039,386 times
Reputation: 39664
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost&Hurt View Post
Ok I'm new to this, but I need help. I am 20 years old and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and a husband. We have been together for a little over 5 years and we have been married for a year and a half.

My husband decided to move in his 14 year old nephew with us in our two bedroom apartment. He wanted him to live with us because he caused too many problems to live with his dad and caused too much for his mom to keep him because she has 3 other kids. My husband works an hour away and he leaves at 4:30am and doesnt get home until 6 or 7pm. So I'm left with his nephew when he comes home from school and everything. I didn't agree to him moving in with us so I told my husband I wanted nothing to do with it. But of course this 14 year old boy does NOTHING around the apartment but leave messes. He won't clean up after himself. He won't do his own laundry. He cusses around my 3 year old, teaching her stuff that she should not know. He disrespects me almost every day by cussing at me and calling me names. I have dealt with it for 2 1/2 months now and I can't take it anymore. He steals money from me. He trys to steal from stores and gets caught and I have to go pay for the things. For the last 3 weeks, I havent done anything for him. I even cut him off from using my computer.

My husband defends him. He has turned my husband and I against each other. We were so happy before his nephew came along. And now my husband says I'm not gonna put him out like everyone else has. And when I tell him I'm gonna leave, he says nothing. I did leave for a few days and I didn't recieve a single phone call from him. He didn't even call to talk to our daughter. It hurts so bad because I want to be with him more than anything, but he won't let his nephew move back to his own mothers house. He puts his nephew before his own child and wife. I feel horrible because my daughter doesnt want to share a room with his because he's so messy and he breaks her toys. She wont even sleep in there with him here.

Can someone please help me and give me suggestions on how I can try and make this work?!

I'm so lost!
Call the United Way in your city and get a referral for some family counseling - you and your husband are not professionals, you cannot "save" this troubled kid without some help. What your husband wants to do is admirable, but misguided. The kid needs structure and discipline, but should be evaluted for depression first, then scheduled to meet with a counselor on a regular basis. Additionally, you and your husband need to meet with some professionals together to get on the same page here - without a game plan (which you don't have at the moment) this whole thing will blow up in your face and unnecessarily hurt your marriage. Best of luck!
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Old 11-07-2007, 08:16 PM
 
Location: 16th St Heights
230 posts, read 767,262 times
Reputation: 83
I co-sign with Lovesmountains. At 20, with a husband and a baby of your own, you're not equipped to handle a 14 year old with problems. He should definitely be evaluated by a mental health professional to determine whether is behavior is typical for an adolescent or indicative of a more serious problem. If there is a NAMI affiliate in your area, contact them for resources and to get some support for you and your husband.
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Old 11-07-2007, 09:30 PM
 
1,389 posts, read 5,672,080 times
Reputation: 286
Their is nothing wrong with talking to the young men. You have to talk to him first to gain his trust and figure out what is wrong if anything is wrong with him. Talking to him you can better help him. He might not be crazy,or bad but he might be lashing out because he of something he is bottling inside and no one is willing to talk to him. Maybe he was molested,teased at school,lacking attention,or feels no one loves him. For anyone to find out they have to talk to him first and then decide who to call to help him because its a list of different doctors or programs who might be able to him him but how will you know who to call unless you talk to him first.
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Old 11-08-2007, 10:01 AM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 11,797,467 times
Reputation: 2129
What you husband did is take in a very troubled kid and dump him on you to take care of. No wonder you are upset. He is not taking care of the kid - you are and you didn't agree to it.

You do not have to bail the kid out when he gets caught stealing from stores. That is called enabling. Let the police deal with the thief. That might be the best thing for him - pay for his own actions.

You really have a tough spot. Your husband's behavior to you and your child is not very good. Probably the best thing you could do is go for marriage/family counseling and decide what is most important to you in life. Hubby's behavior is dumping on you, then blaming you for what goes wrong - also enabling the criminal behavior of the nephew. Put down what your boundaries are for acceptable and stick to them. Put it in terms of what it does to you and you alone (or you and child). No one is obligated to live in fear and terror from someone else's criminal kid. I feel for you.
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Old 11-08-2007, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Maryland
2 posts, read 10,484 times
Reputation: 11
I have talked to him many many times and so has my in-laws and his mother says she has talked to him, but I doubt it. I have tried to talk to my husband about getting into counseling and what not, but he says he doesn't have time for it. And the nephews mother says that her son doesn't need to see anyone that he is just a 14 year old boy and thats what he is gonna do. He is already on a years probation for something he did when living with his father and when he got caught stealing with his mother, she bailed him out saying that he found whatever it was.

And about him "lashing out", he only does it when he doesn't get his way. I cut him off of getting what he wanted. In the last 2 1/2 months I have spent over $1500 on clothes and shoes and stuff because he said he needed new ones. So I was nice enough to do that for him. We had made an agreement that if I did that, he was to help out around the house and he doesn't even do that. I cant keep my life on hold for him and keep focusing on him because my daughter tells me that I dont love her anymore. Because I pay so much attention to the nephew, she thinks I dont want her. And I also feel bad because she has to share a room with him, and she started yelling at him because his stuff was in her way and she yells at him to get out of her room and he says it hurts his feelings. But she is 3 years old and he is 14, it shouldnt be like that.
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Old 11-08-2007, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Glen Burnie, Maryland
1,245 posts, read 3,332,261 times
Reputation: 1319
If someone can't handle their own child, why do they expect someone else to? Is it your fault that his mother has more kids than she can handle? Its really unfortunate that you are in this situation. Your husband seems to have made the decision to move him in but lets you deal with it all. There may come a time that you have to put your foot down and make this child's family take care of him. You are not obligated to be miserable. The nephew's behavior will also negatively affect your daughter. She may start acting out eventually. If you are not getting support from your husband and he is taking sides against you, then maybe the marriage isn't as strong as it should be. Another consideration is the fact that the kids share a room. Its not a law, but it is strongly felt that once kids of the opposite sex hit the age of 8 that they should not continue to share a room. I know because of financial situations that many siblings continue to share a room at older ages, but these 2 kids aren't siblings. It is something to consider. I hope your husband starts to see the light and steps up to the plate. I applaud you and him for the desire to help this kid, but don't do it if its going to ruin your life.
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Old 11-08-2007, 02:48 PM
 
Location: DC Area, for now
3,517 posts, read 11,797,467 times
Reputation: 2129
The counseling is for YOU, and your husband if you can get him to go. You have some serious problems not all of your making but you also are having problems with being a door mat. A counselor can help you see what is ok and where you need to draw the line for your own and your daughter's sanity. There are so many red flags all over your story.

Putting a thieving, belligerent, lying 14 year old boy in the same room as your 3 year old daughter is asking for trouble. Your daughter's needs should come first. This is really putting her at risk of abuse, potentially even sexual abuse. This kid has no impulse control and 14 year old boys think about sex and sexual experimentation non stop. It would be better to have the 3 yr old in the room with you and your husband.

The kid may or may not be a lost cause. With no boundaries being set and maintained (you cannot do this by yourself - you have tried and failed), there's not much hope he'll grow out of this sociopath behavior. Your husband is doing him no favors by allowing all this crap to go on.

Stop buying him things. Don't take his word for anything. Make him show he can be trusted first. You can only control what you choose to do and you can choose to stop being a patsy for this brat. If he is supposed to do the dishes for new shoes, then he does the dishes, on time, and good job of it for a set period BEFORE he gets the prize.

If he acts like a 2 year old, then give him the 2 year old training. Look up tough love. That is this kid's only chance to gain some self control and thereby some self respect.

But protect your daughter at all costs. She's your first responsibility.
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Old 11-09-2007, 07:44 PM
 
222 posts, read 960,457 times
Reputation: 83
I agree with the pp about counseling for you and your family. There is certainly not anything wrong with you, but it will give you ways to talk to your husband and nephew and even daughter. You can learn about how to parent a 14 yo - most parents learn as they go, but they start at brth (like with your daughter) and then gain knowledge about parenting in general and their child specifically. Since you are just thrown into it, your learning curve is forced to be much sharper.

Some general advice (my kids are young but I teach kids around that age):
~try to not show your anger in an outburst - tell them you are angry, but don't explode. You need to model appropriate behavior like stepping into another room and breathing.
~Tell them if you make a mistake, it can be disarming
~Provide rewards after the positive behavior if possible
~Find some common ground if possible (music, movies, ect)
~give them their own space if possible - could you set up the bedroom so there is two spaces? As a 14 yo I would have hated sharing with a 3 yo, even of the same sex, and he opposite sex would be harder (a bedsheet curtain divider maybe?)
~Give them clear consequences beforehand
~Can you find a way to require him to do community service in reparations for stolen items? Also at 14 he could get a job for a few hours a week. Animal shelters ect may allow volunteers at 14

I hope this helps!
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