Quandary - To bloom where planted or move? (Boston, Cambridge: apartments, house)

[chowder]

I've been wrestling with this question for a while and wonder if this terrific board may offer some insight.

We have lived in Westwood for 8 years and despite having school-aged children, taken on PTO and other volunteer roles, joining a wonderful book club, etc, I have found cultivating a community very slow-going. We have many, many acquaintances but few core friends.

It makes me think, do you bloom where planted or do you leave and reinvest elsewhere?

On one hand, I'm slow to leave. It's a lovely town. People are nice. We do have some connections. The rural setting is beautiful. We've invested 8 years here. Our kids are settled, (some in public/some in private school.)

Yet... I'm convinced that finding a core group of real friends should not be this hard... (Granted, I work and this is a town where many moms stay at home and form natural connections in the day-to-day setting... and my husband is more likely to bond with fans of physics than the Patriots... sigh... so we are clearly not helping ourselves. Still...)

Here's the issue: Can you date a town and simply find after a while that there's not enough there for you... or do you simply accept that nowhere is perfect and you have to make wine from the grapes that you have?

If we were to paint our ideal town as a date we'd look for somewhere open-minded and progressive, yet anchored and not flamboyant. Someplace where nerdy types might jostle well with all American sports fans... and if a town can be clever, embrace culture and have a wicked sense of humor, we'd like that too. Oh, and add in a peaceful, natural setting where education is prized.

Has anyone wrestled with a similar question?? And if so, any thoughts?

[larrywriter]

Oh yes, I hear you! I wrestle with this all the time. Part of my problem, I recognize is "grass is always greener" syndrome. But we moved from someplace where we had lots of friends, but few job opportunities, to someplace where we had more family and lots of job options. And we miss having a group of friends. Its hard when you work and have kids. I also find that living where many people grew up in the town and have always lived there makes it even harder - they still hang out with their high school buddies. We are not sure what is next for us so I can't answer your question - I keep thinking there is so much world to explore, why settle. But if you are really happy in the town sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. You are not alone in your struggle!

[clevedark]

Oh that's a toughie, especially since it doesn't seem like you have an idea of where you want to go. We moved for similar reasons after living in a town for five years and have never regretted it, but I had a definite idea of where I would rather live.

I do think that as we get older it's harder for us to make close friends. We have so many demands on our time and our patience/energy is stretched thin with our own families.

At the same time, "don't defer joy," because we don't know what will happen tomorrow.

I wonder what my and my family's lives would be like if we stayed in NJ where my husband and I were born and raised. I never wanted to leave, and here I am, with no plans to leave.

[goyguy]

If your kids are "settled" in the sense of being happy and succeeding, that answers the question for you.
Most people just plain don't know how to be neighborly any more. During my younger years everybody on a block wasn't only acquainted, they'd always have time to chat if your paths crossed. These days, forget it. Few households stay in one place for much more than five years, if that, and their occupants are plugged into iPods and/or glued to cell phones whenever they're on the street. Of course my perspective is colored by the fact that I live in Cambridge, but even a place such as this with its naturally transient groups has gotten to be far less cohesive. So don't think for an instant that Westwood is somehow unique in having sociability-challenged residents.
Your description of an "ideal" living environment captures the essence of several West Cambridge neighborhoods such as Huron Village, incidentally, but the lack of cohesion exists there too. The days of block parties are over, and nothing short of a common crisis (library closing, discovery of toxic waste, et al) brings people together who'd otherwise only have geography in common. An exception to that would be school sports programs, so if your kids are athletically inclined a community-building opportunity awaits between your family and those of teammates.
Which brings me back to the opening sentence of my response.

[chowder]

Thanks to all three of you for your insights (and for not thinking me a total nut for posting such a philosophical question, as I feared).

Yes, it is a toughie. We are settled, but to use (and perhaps strain) the dating metaphor... I wonder whether settling is enough.

Even though our children are happy and fairly well-adjusted (for now at least), our private school kids (Montessori) have their best buds in other towns which can make impromptu playdates trickier (not impossible, just more logistics).

The town is nice, yet can, at times, seem overwhelmingly provincial and pretentious. (then again, maybe I'm less easy-going than I thought). Had I known all of this at the outset 8 years ago, we would have looked elsewhere (Lexington was an initial choice but unaffordable).

Still, it's not only inertia that keeps us here (though I concede inertia is a factor). It's partly that I wonder if the pain and hassle of uprooting would be justified or whether we would find ourselves in the same position... and partly that as silly as it sounds, I really like our yard.

The other issue as Clevedark wisely pointed out is that we do not have a clear sense of where to go. I wish we had. We do have some thoughts though and our jobs are reasonably portable. My husbands roots are from the North West and the beauty and openness of that region do call... but he has no family and mine is here and I've learned after living in Europe and on the West Coast that I'm a New Englander inside. So, focusing on MA then, North Shore towns like Topsfield, Ipswich and Hamilton appeal, though I confess we only know these from random canoe trips, hinking outings and junkets to Woodman's in Essex. I also love Cambridge, its energy and fun, but would prefer something slightly more rural.

Further afield, we have always loved our time in the Berkshires and Western MA - the combination of natural beauty and active cultural options is a great one - but wonder if it's best to keep the kids near their current schooling options.

(FWIW, Were our kids in college, I could easily see my husband and I buying a small bungalow in some funky little town like Northampton... or else Cambridge or JP and spending half the year there and the other half traveling.)

Clearly we have more research and thinking to do, but I continue to welcome any additional thoughts and very much appreciate your responses. Thanks so much.

[mommytotwo]

Hm. From the perspective as someone who has a large family, but has had to move around a lot due to DH's schooling/career, I can say that I did not feel at home anywhere I lived till I got to the home I now live in.

Everywhere else I considered transitory, temporary, until we landed where I wanted to be, which was back where my family was.

When DH finally finished up with what he was doing, he focused his job search on towns near my family. Actually, before he even finished we started looking for a house (guess he was pretty sure he coudl find a job here), and clearly we could not move to where I am from because it is just not the place we wanted to raise our children. So we looked around at neighboring towns, looked at school systems, considered which suburbs I've got extended family branching out to, etc, and chose a town about 20 minutes from the clan (which actually works out perfectly because there is no need to be RIGHT there for all the drama, lol!)

We've been here two years and I am happy with the move. Am I 100% sure we picked the right town? Well, we did the best we coudl at the time. Dh was still commuting which limited us as did funds. But I too did not want to move around and uproot the kids, so I tried to choose a town where we would settle forever.

Since our move, our income has increased and I've wondered if we should settle somewhere with a bit better school system, a little closer to the city, etc, but I think we are going to stay put.

As you said, you need core relationships with people. I've made friends here, my kids have made friends here, and I just don't want to uproot them and move them to another town because the MCAS scores are better. I'll hire a private tutor if necessary first. And if we have yearnings for an upgrade in our home, we can stick to those in town.

I completely hear you regarding uprooting the kids. The grass would have to be SOOOOO MUCH greener on the other side for me to seriously consider this.

btw, I lived in 4 different states/areas before getting home, in 7 different apartments, and I always thought they were steps to the ultimate goal, which was getting "home" (even if "home" ended up being in a nearby town not the one I'm from).

Good luck with your decisions. I don't envy your uncertainty. You are in a tough spot.

[clevedark]

After eight years I would think you would have bloomed already! Methinks you have outgrown your pot and have the glorious privilege of making a decision about how to spend your next ten years.

How about living in JP, Cambridge, or Brookline (good public schools) during the school year, and getting a summer place in the Berkshires and living there in the summer?

[holden125]

There seem to be multiple layers here:

(1) Does "community" as you seek exist anywhere in the US anymore?
(2) Does it exist in the immediate Boston area?
(3) Does it exist in progressive and peaceful/natural towns near Boston?
(4) If it did, could you infiltrate it? We are kind of clannish in these parts.

It's tough today--I have a number of friends I've had since high school almost 20 years ago. We've stayed close this long, but lately it's gotten harder to maintain the relationships as people have marriages, kids, jobs, and long commutes to deal with. And after making new friends everywhere I went for a long time, that process has just stopped cold since I turned 30.

I have obviously not actually lived in every town in the area, but I don't know where to begin suggesting you look because I see a basic contradiction between wanting a woodsy setting and wanting more sociable neighbors. Most people who move to a peaceful natural setting these days are looking to get away from other people. A lot of rural places had "community" in years past because people had to deal with each other all the time in their working lives and also had institutions like churches and later, civic organizations, to bring them together.

Goyguy is right that all of that has generally frayed pretty badly in recent years. In places like Dover and Westwood people don't farm the land and sell the crops locally like they did in 1850. They work in Boston or Framingham and sit in their people pods on Route 128 for two hours every night. I'd therefore think rural is not the way to go, but urban life has also gotten quite impersonal as the urban equivalent, the tight-knit neighborhood, has likewise faded due to an overstressed commuter culture. You can still find that flavor in blue collar areas, but those do not appear to be what you're looking for.

I will say that there are times when I'm around my older relatives from the "old neighborhood" and I don't think the change is all for the worse. Sometimes that old-fashioned "community" could be stifling and parochial. I do lament not knowing my neighbors at all, but I'm also happy they are not turning me into a pariah because I have gay friends, or black friends, or had a Puerto Rican girlfriend, or my mother is from the dreaded New York. All of these things would have happened in the "old neighborhood" when my Dad was coming up.

Enough on-screen musing. If you think it's worth uprooting the kids, I'd say you're best chance at combining peace and quiet with some degree of social interaction might be Lexington, or a town like Arlington or Brookline that is somewhat more densely populated but not so densely populated as to be the city where people pass others without noticing. Even then, you'd really have to go join things and extend a lot of invitations in the hopes that friends started to stick.

BTW, Topsfield is a quite conservative town. I don't know that you'd enjoy it based on your comments.

[daisyutah]

here's my two cents!!!

Scenario #1:
A man arrives to a new town and asks one of the locals ... "I am new in town... what are the people here like?" The local says, "well what are the people like where you are from?" The new comer replies, "Oh they are nasty, mean-spirited, spiteful people..." The local replies, "Well, you 'll fit right in, we've got much of the same type of people right here"...

Scenario #2:
A man arrives to a new town and asks one of the locals ... "I am new in town... what are the people here like?" The local says, "well what are the people like where you are from?" The new comer replies, "Oh they are wonderful, friendly and have a genuine love for all people..." The local replies, "Well, you 'll fit right in, we've got much of the same type of people right here"...

You get what you give in this life... If you feel like you don't "got" *any*.. you need to "give" *some* away...

[daisyutah]

chowder~
There is a whole big world out there just waiting to be discovered!

While education and friends are important for your kids, so are the "life experiences" and changes that one goes through when starting a new chapter of one's life (no matter what your age). Putting oneself "out there" (i.e. outside one's comfort zone) tests what you are truly made of.

First I would ask you this... When and where was the last place you vacationed at? Sometimes all you need is a really good adventerous vacation to make you miss your own backyard and friends... every year I take an adventure vacation... as I get older they actually get more adventurous (none of this sitting on a beach reading a book...) I want to jump out of the helicoptor and land on the mountain... that type of stuff... call me an adreniline junkie... but whenever I feel a little bored about where I live... I think "how many days till my next vacation?"

And I am currently planning my next strategic move... I've lived on the east coast, west coast and now am considering another move... not sure where yet, but definitely will not grow old in Massachusetts! (too boring here and WAY TOO LIBERAL)

We only get so many years... I don't want to use all of my years in the same place! Luckily my hubby feels the same way and is eager for our next "adventure". The USA has so much flavor with each and every state. I visited almost every state and have my favorites, but if you have that inner voice calling you out of Westwood... well all I can say is WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??

Good luck ... life is a journey... take pictures!