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Old 01-25-2013, 09:08 AM
 
8 posts, read 3,954 times
Reputation: 25
This is a fantastic thread and I appreciate all of the comments posted and thanks to the OP for starting this thread.
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Old 01-27-2013, 06:42 PM
 
1,042 posts, read 613,062 times
Reputation: 1158
I will pass on to you some observations. I had two brothers. One was a party person throughout his life. It did appear he had lots of friends. I know that he had a great deal of fun, at least, his life seemed to be more fun filled. The other brother was involved in intense hobby activities as well as work. He spent a great deal of time with others that shared his interest. He also seemed to have a great deal of friends. Only after their deaths did I realize that each only had one true friend, but they did have that one friend. Someone that during their lifetime their paths crossed and they bonded in a way that became a lifelong friendship. I would not worry about the lack of friends as very few people really have a true friend.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
400 posts, read 554,740 times
Reputation: 358
I have acquaintances but no true friends and I'm 42. I used to have close friends in my 20s and 30s, but ever since grad school I let my social life deteriorate into thin air. I've made no effort to socialize outside of my part-time job, classes, or student teaching. I may try to infuse my life with social interactions once I land a full-time job, but I' such an extroverted loner personality that I can easily coast without friendships for long periods of time without any problems.

I feel bad for the OP. It sounds as though she's had little support from others throughout her marriage, raising children and without a stable emotional support system, life can look rather bleak and full of despair.
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Old 06-05-2013, 12:06 PM
 
1 posts, read 705 times
Reputation: 12
Default Good vs Evil

I didn't even look to see if this is an old thread, but I'm going to add this anyway. I have the same trouble, but I know why. I don't trust people not to harm or use me. I was originally a dumb kid, idealistic/naive, etc., then after having my trust kicked all to hell, I turned evil-selfish. Since I turned from good girl to feeling like I needed to be cagey, I now see how 'nice' people can turn on you, if they feel justified in doing so. All being cagey got me, was alone, but I still can't get past it. I feel scared of my naive years and 'guilty' for my evil years, and can't believe I can get past either, without getting slammed again. So....I guess you have to be a real friend, to get one ? Good luck
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Old 06-05-2013, 06:10 PM
 
Location: Windham County, VT
9,182 posts, read 1,527,176 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gran n me View Post
I didn't even look to see if this is an old thread, but I'm going to add this anyway. I have the same trouble, but I know why. I don't trust people not to harm or use me. I was originally a dumb kid, idealistic/naive, etc., then after having my trust kicked all to hell, I turned evil-selfish. Since I turned from good girl to feeling like I needed to be cagey, I now see how 'nice' people can turn on you, if they feel justified in doing so. All being cagey got me, was alone, but I still can't get past it. I feel scared of my naive years and 'guilty' for my evil years, and can't believe I can get past either, without getting slammed again. So....I guess you have to be a real friend, to get one ? Good luck
It's tough when the isolation one does to secure one's safety (a rational response to violation/betrayal) then has unintended consequences, such as isolating one from possibly trustworthy new acquaintances.
I have this difficulty, too.
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Old 06-15-2013, 08:44 AM
 
3 posts, read 2,598 times
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Fantastic thread and responses. I sure can relate ... 56yo, divorced, two grown kids, one out of state, the other living abroad. Other relatives live 1800 miles away. Still working so that helps. My greatest fear is if something happens to me and I need someone locally to help me out a little. Otherwise, I'm pretty much okay with being alone, but it gets scary at times. I know what I need to do, I just haven't gotten out there yet. Nice to read there are others in the same boat struggling with this.
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Old 06-15-2013, 03:14 PM
 
8,257 posts, read 4,589,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
Wow. This thread is sort of sad.

My suggestion is to simply move throughout the world with an open heart and a look of content on your face. Don't be afraid to smile and say hello to strangers either. I meet people all of the time and in very random ways. I can be shopping for shoes, at an art gallery, at a restaurant, walking on the beach, shopping for groceries, at the library, etc and people will start conversations with me. Also, its good to have friends who are both older and younger than you are. Don't be opposed to having friends in their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. because you may have more in common than you think.
I love this advice.

I will add: I find humor to be a fantastic icebreaker and a kind of social glue. Do not be afraid to crack jokes, laugh at yourself and find the absurdity in the world around you. Try not to take life so seriously.

People with a joie de vivre attitude will always be sought-after company.
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Old 06-16-2013, 10:04 AM
 
2,760 posts, read 1,167,165 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Opinionated View Post
I am 54. I know lots of people from life experience, travel and online connections. But not everyone is as social as I am. But I know that we all need friends. Confidants. It is human nature. But still, to make and maintain lasting friendships is a challenge. A market survey revealed that “in the United States 25 per cent of the adult population suffer ‘chronic loneliness’ and in France half the people have experienced acute isolation.” The proliferation of dating clubs and computer chat rooms and the profusion of newspaper advertisements by those seeking companions indicate that people crave human contact.

Get to know people who seem to be 'people persons'. Talk to them about how they may have overcome childhood inhibitions, bullying or intimidation even from family memembers.
And there are steps you can impliment to augment the above...

1. BE A FRIEND. Yes, it takes initiative to offer proof of your friendship. A word of encouragement or a helping hand may be the seed from which a great friendship will grow. American essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”

2. MAKE TIME TO CULTIVATE A FRIENDSHIP. Most people desire the benefits of friendship. Yet, they are too busy to invest the necessary time. Share the happiness and success, the sorrows and disappointments, of others. Be minded the same way toward others as to yourselves. And remember, friendship, like a flowering plant, needs to be watered and nurtured for it to blossom—and that takes time.

3. PAY ATTENTION WHEN OTHERS TALK. Good, attentive listeners often find it easier to have friends. When you converse with others, show personal interest in their feelings. Encourage them to talk about themselves. Take the lead in displaying honor to them. Then they will want to be with you. Conversely, if you monopolize every conversation, or constantly put yourself in the limelight, you will have a hard time finding someone who is ready to listen or who cares about your feelings and needs.

4. BE FORGIVING. A true friend is quick to overlook minor failings. To illustrate: Some do not like eating raspberries because of their little seeds. Those who enjoy this fruit, however, do not notice the seeds. True friends are loved for their fine qualities; their minor faults are overlooked. Those who learn to be forgiving keep their friends.

5. RESPECT THE PRIVACY OF OTHERS. Everyone needs some privacy, including your friends. So be reasonable about the frequency and length of visits with friends. Avoid possessiveness, which can lead to jealousy. Use good judgment when expressing personal tastes and opinions on matters. This contributes to a refreshing and welcome friendship.

6. BE GENEROUS. Friendships are cultivated through generosity. For instance, share encouraging words with others. Be free with sincere commendation and upbuilding speech. When you show genuine interest in the well-being of others, they are drawn to you. Think about what you can do for them instead of focusing on what they can do for you.
This is worth repeating. This is what I have always done along with avoiding political and religious
debates. Also and equally important is to have a sense of humor and laugh. Open to talking to all
kinds of people, helping people, being kind and making time for friends.
Did this work? If it did would I be replying to this thread?
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Old 06-16-2013, 03:03 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
9,436 posts, read 4,463,562 times
Reputation: 8458
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lavaux14 View Post
Fantastic thread and responses. I sure can relate ... 56yo, divorced, two grown kids, one out of state, the other living abroad. Other relatives live 1800 miles away. Still working so that helps. My greatest fear is if something happens to me and I need someone locally to help me out a little. Otherwise, I'm pretty much okay with being alone, but it gets scary at times. I know what I need to do, I just haven't gotten out there yet. Nice to read there are others in the same boat struggling with this.
Well, I'm soon to be there. I moved to a new town 3 years ago and I just turned 52. The biggie is that my son is leaving in the fall for college - 6 hours away. Almost ALL of my activities centered around his; he was a year-round competitive swimmer so . . .lots and lots of week-ends away, traveling with the same families.

All of it coming to an end. The 'we're friends because our kids play the same sports' friendships do not seem to last once the child leaves - at least to my observation.

I do have two old friends here - we knew each other years and years ago and somehow all ended up here! I force myself to do things with them - even if it means my kid has to make his own dinner once in a while. He's about to leave me and I am going to need some friends.

I also joined a small, neighborhood gym and have met some people there - but we will only be close as long as I'm a gym fanatic and not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to afford it.

I'm scared too. Maybe I'll take a cooking class? Love to cook and take pictures so maybe I'll try and cultivate some kind of hobby in addition to the gym.

Sigh. I'm not sure how many start-overs I can do!
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Old 06-16-2013, 04:52 PM
 
359 posts, read 246,007 times
Reputation: 501
I have a hard time communicating regularly
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