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All of it coming to an end. The 'we're friends because our kids play the same sports' friendships do not seem to last once the child leaves - at least to my observation.
Parent friends are situational acquaintances. I learned that a long time ago because my children switched sports every few years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1
I do have two old friends here - we knew each other years and years ago and somehow all ended up here! I force myself to do things with them - even if it means my kid has to make his own dinner once in a while. He's about to leave me and I am going to need some friends.
Keep forcing yourself. It's important to get out. Those friendships will be invaluable to you when your nest is truly empty.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1
I'm scared too. Maybe I'll take a cooking class? Love to cook and take pictures so maybe I'll try and cultivate some kind of hobby in addition to the gym.
Sigh. I'm not sure how many start-overs I can do!
I've been where you are. I'm still there to an extent, but my nest has been empty for 1-1/2 years now. I've gotten used to it. It's natural and what happens to parents who throw themselves 100% into being parents without reserving part of our lives for friends and independent interests. I forced myself to get out there and make friends. I spent a significant amount of my time last year cultivating new friendships that were nothing but completely draining for me.
One is a neighbor who visited multiple times per week from spring until December last year. I had to end that friendship when I discovered that she's a heroine addict. No kidding. Right in upper middle class suburbia. I can't believe it took me months to figure it out. I saw some signs in October and distanced myself from her. In December she came down and told me everything because she was hitting rock bottom. Sorry, I don't do addicts. The other was an old friend I reconnected with who has so many problems that our entire friendship revolved around her talking about her problems. I had to put an end to that one too.
I have been enjoying the solitude now that these two people are out of my life. I do have other friends. Thankfully they are real friends. But it takes more than talking on the phone and getting together on occasion to fill the void of an empty nest. Nobody is going to give us the identity we lost when our children left. It's not friends we need. It's an identity. That means you're on the right track looking for hobbies and interests. The reality is if you're out there doing things you love, you will eventually meet people with common interests and that's what builds friendships.
I've come a long way since December 2011 when my nest was empty for the first time. I didn't leave my house for 3 weeks, not even to go to the mailbox. I am utterly and completely content with where I'm at right now that I've finally discovered that I don't need to fill the void with people, but to focus on my identity and interests. I'm feeling liberated.
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
I'm sure you're an attractive woman (every woman is in some way). My advice is to find things to do that you like and do them. What are you passionate about? Pursue that. Ever wanted to learn how to play an instrument? Get one and take lessons. Join an orchestra or band. How is your health? Need to shed a few pounds? Join an aerobics class or yoga and get into it. Modify your diet and transform yourself. In the course of doing what you love, you'll develop friends. But make sure you don't psychoanalyze them. This can drive people away, since nobody wants to feel like they're under a microscope.
Sounds like you need to find a life away from your peers too. Pursue those ventures where you can show a different side of yourself, or where others can see a more approachable side of you that your peers can't appreciate.
For those who would like to get out more and make new friends. Join Parents Without Partners. No, its not a dating service. Just getting together with other people and hanging out at there house or planning an outting. It does not matter if your children are young or adults. My sister enjoyed the experience. It consist of men and women. I think every state has a chapter.
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
so why don't you start doing some volunteer work in a field you are interested in
get out of the house
join a book club
if you were talking to a client what would you tell them to do??
the hardest step is the first one!
Being 56 for some reason has caused me to ask questions too, to take stock. I'm a 56 y/o man, married, one daughter. Being educated helps me to deal with the world around me and to have many interests that keep my mind occupied. I live near a university and a mall. The people I meet in this area are primarily homeless or work nearby. Since I quit drinking over 24 years ago I have friends locally who occasionally come over to play guitar or just hang out. I have over 130 friends on Facebook. When I find new ideas, I share them with my friends and we talk about them. My friends range in age from 22 to 67. Some are men some are women. Since most of my friends are 12 step people, we share deep conversations that make life easier for us. Sometimes we all say that we feel like family. I'm semi-retired and started a non-profit for disabled. Challenging myself right now to get back in shape (have lost 50+ lbs.), continue to practice guitar, learn new languages (Chinese, Spanish) and write. At 56, I have things to write about. With a lot of time on my hands, I still want to give back to my country, friends, family and the world. I hope you can find happiness and friendship. To have a friend you have to be a friend and realize that you are no longer 21!
Parent friends are situational acquaintances. I learned that a long time ago because my children switched sports every few years.
Keep forcing yourself. It's important to get out. Those friendships will be invaluable to you when your nest is truly empty.
I've been where you are. I'm still there to an extent, but my nest has been empty for 1-1/2 years now. I've gotten used to it. It's natural and what happens to parents who throw themselves 100% into being parents without reserving part of our lives for friends and independent interests. I forced myself to get out there and make friends. I spent a significant amount of my time last year cultivating new friendships that were nothing but completely draining for me.
One is a neighbor who visited multiple times per week from spring until December last year. I had to end that friendship when I discovered that she's a heroine addict. No kidding. Right in upper middle class suburbia. I can't believe it took me months to figure it out. I saw some signs in October and distanced myself from her. In December she came down and told me everything because she was hitting rock bottom. Sorry, I don't do addicts. The other was an old friend I reconnected with who has so many problems that our entire friendship revolved around her talking about her problems. I had to put an end to that one too.
I have been enjoying the solitude now that these two people are out of my life. I do have other friends. Thankfully they are real friends. But it takes more than talking on the phone and getting together on occasion to fill the void of an empty nest. Nobody is going to give us the identity we lost when our children left. It's not friends we need. It's an identity. That means you're on the right track looking for hobbies and interests. The reality is if you're out there doing things you love, you will eventually meet people with common interests and that's what builds friendships.
I've come a long way since December 2011 when my nest was empty for the first time. I didn't leave my house for 3 weeks, not even to go to the mailbox. I am utterly and completely content with where I'm at right now that I've finally discovered that I don't need to fill the void with people, but to focus on my identity and interests. I'm feeling liberated.
Hopes, I hope I can feel that way. My little boy has sprouted wings and will be flying far away from me at the end of this week.
I'm so sad and have NO idea how I'm going to cope. Every decision I've made for the past 18 years was based on what was best for him.
I'm trying to be positive because everything I've ever wanted for him is waiting there - 7 hours away from here. Great college; great scholarships; and he will be swimming as well.
I have one good friend who is facing the same thing; her last boy is leaving this week too.
I've made friends with some of my co-workers and we are all working out together one day a week. I did find a great group of women that meets once a month to try all kinds of different activities.
Are you sure that there will be much of an increase in empty hours? How many hours a day do you usually spend interacting in person with your son?
It sure seems like it. Normally he's home of an evening so I cook and we eat together. We watch our favorite shows together (definitely not every night especially in the summer); and summer week-ends were filled with travel meets (which I usually hated) and winter's were filled with high school meets . . .
So .. .approximately 3 hours in the evenings and . . week-ends were iffy. IF there was a swim meet; hours together in a car; then he hung out with the swim team and me with the other Mom.
Maybe you're right. Maybe it won't be quite as many as I think.
Thanks for a little perspective. Suddenly, I feel a little lighter!
It sure seems like it. Normally he's home of an evening so I cook and we eat together. We watch our favorite shows together (definitely not every night especially in the summer); and summer week-ends were filled with travel meets (which I usually hated) and winter's were filled with high school meets . . .
So .. .approximately 3 hours in the evenings and . . week-ends were iffy. IF there was a swim meet; hours together in a car; then he hung out with the swim team and me with the other Mom.
Maybe you're right. Maybe it won't be quite as many as I think.
Thanks for a little perspective. Suddenly, I feel a little lighter!
you'll miss him, of course. That's natural so don't feel as if it's not ok to feel empty....hence-the empty nest syndrome.
You always have us here at CD too!!!
I've made friends with some of my co-workers and we are all working out together one day a week. I did find a great group of women that meets once a month to try all kinds of different activities.
But . . .the empty hours loom large.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1
It sure seems like it. Normally he's home of an evening so I cook and we eat together. We watch our favorite shows together (definitely not every night especially in the summer); and summer week-ends were filled with travel meets (which I usually hated) and winter's were filled with high school meets . . .
So .. .approximately 3 hours in the evenings and . . week-ends were iffy. IF there was a swim meet; hours together in a car; then he hung out with the swim team and me with the other Mom.
Maybe you're right. Maybe it won't be quite as many as I think.
Thanks for a little perspective. Suddenly, I feel a little lighter!
Hey I loved raising my kids but I do not miss the extracurricular stuff a bit. I just sent my youngest off too but haven't had a chance to miss her yet and she was being such a sh*t when she left that I breathed a sigh of relief. Yes I'll miss her and I know this is just a stage but when she improves I'll be used to this anyway. One advantage of raising girls I guess.
Anyway, sounds like you're well on your way to getting into a new normal and those activities will grow into more. Or take up a new hobby--I'll bet there's something you've always wanted to try and were too scared to walk in by yourself. I'll tell you what--the little burst of fear lasts about 2 seconds--and I'm shy.
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