Trying to figure out why I can't seem to make friends (pain, coffee)

[Wild Flower]

Originally Posted by Bass101

Thank you for your post. Lots of good things to think about. I wanted to comment specifically on this idea that you posted. It's funny you mention this because my husband and I also had a conversation about this exact idea. He has observed me making this statement when we're out with new people, and he believes that my doing this (telling people that we don't know many people here and saying how hard it is to meet people) is turning people off.

He says that when he has observed me say this that people might interpret this negatively, because it makes me seem "desperate" or "different in a bad way." I always mention how hard it is to meet people and I think he's right--maybe this is one reason why people don't want to be my friend. Because for most gals in their 30's in my area, they have plenty of friends. Their phones are always ringing with friends calling to make plans, and they probably can't imagine what it's like to be friendless, so they think, "there's something weird about her and I don't want to be her friend."

My husband suggested I stop saying this and see what happens. So I have stopped. I do think he's right though, I think my saying this projected desperation, and makes others think I'm incapable of making friends because of a character flaw instead of just circumstances of moving somewhere not knowing a single person and having a hard time meeting people who have the time in their schedule to make friends.

Yes, I can understand what you're saying. How it can sound like you're unable to find people and what is wrong with you? But it is easy to meet people- it is hard to find a good friend. Good friends is what you might talk about. Share good examples you might have had when you lived in xyz town and how you miss that. But you are right- have to be careful sharing this kind of thing. I still think it might bring you someone who needs a friend as much as you need her.

[Wild Flower]

I just wanted to add to my post above- talking about needing friends. Maybe this is something that you'd share after talking several times instead of right off the bat. Maybe that would help you find people who need you too. Or maybe it'd tell you that they don't? We met so many people in the course of our lives. Only a few become friends. Maybe we have to start taking it less personally.

Not saying you do, I think I do when I look at other people and see how busy and full their lives are. They will look at me and say, I wish I had free time to myself! I say, okaaaay, got to go home for my quiet hours--- just the next 23 years, thank you very much.

[Bass101]

Originally Posted by Wild Flower

Yes, I can understand what you're saying. How it can sound like you're unable to find people and what is wrong with you? But it is easy to meet people- it is hard to find a good friend. Good friends is what you might talk about. Share good examples you might have had when you lived in xyz town and how you miss that. But you are right- have to be careful sharing this kind of thing. I still think it might bring you someone who needs a friend as much as you need her.

I like how you phrased that--that's a great way to put it: "It's easy to meet people but it's hard to find a good friend." So true! I hadn't thought of phrasing it like that, but that is a great way to say it!

Sure, I've met lots of people since moving here, but most of them have lived here their whole lives/went to school here and already have their circle of friends and aren't looking for any more. It's hard to find people who have the time or inclination to make a new friend. I'm actually amazed I was able to make this one good friend given how "crazy busy" everyone in their 30's seems to be these days!

To respond to your second comment about that, I totally agree with you, maybe saying the above would be something to mention after several meetings with the person, not right away (as I have tended to do). Though if I do mention it I need to work on saying it in a way that won't project my total friendlessness and desperation too much.

I agree--I do look at other women my age and envy how busy and full their lives are. We have no family here to do things with, we only see our families once a year, and I only see my one friend here every 6 weeks or so. I work and volunteer but it is not enough to keep me busy. My life is not busy by any stretch of the imagination. I have no social plans, am always alone on holidays, and feel extremely lonely on the weekends most of the time when my husband is working or occupied with his hobby. I attend lots of social events, like groups on meetup or other social groups, but these usually make me feel even more empty because I don't usually end up connecting with anyone there. I need to find a hobby next. I have been trying to come up with something.

[Wild Flower]

Isn't it funny how we think we are the only one with nothing to do? (not really a smacking kind of statement, but I like him! ha)

I think that being in the right place at the right time is over half the battle. Opportunity has to knock before you answer the door, right?

My new friend and I just happen to see each other on the street! If I hadn't stopped to take the photo there. If I had gone earlier or later... Maybe the lesson here is to keep our eyes open for possible friends.

I remember a friend back in WI describing how she met one of her best friends. She said that she told her she could really use a friend right now and that is how it was started.

If we get a little comfortable with someone, asking for their friendship might be a way to go. With my new friend we got together right away. With another, who knows?

Don't put rules on this. That just makes it harder to be open to others. I mean, do what you think is best for you at the moment. If waiting to initiate something seems right, wait. If you want to suggest a meeting and the conversation flow goes that way, do it.

Now, excuse me while I run to my street and look for more people.

One more thing. I read that the more you tell a person, the more you like them. I thought, really?? Geee, wasn't I making them like ME? HAA But think about it. We share ourselves and we get those endorphins and feel all warm and fuzzy. Maybe that is why it is important to ask your friend/ potentional friends questions and find out about them (as well as wanting to know).

[Yankeesfan]

Bass, you've been posting the same thing for several years in different forums on this board, that your husband works 70 hours a week and you have no friends.

I think you're expecting too much from others in terms of friendship.

First, most people don't work as many hours as your husband does. (What does he do the requires so many hours of work, and what is this hobby that takes up the rest of his time and that you aren't able to participate in with him?) So during the hours that you're home from work and feeling lonely because your husband isn't there, other people are spending with their spouses who choose to work normal hours and choose to spend the time with their families instead of 20-30 extra hours a week at work. If they have children, as many couples your age do, they're justifiably spending time with their children too. For those who do work longer-than-normal hours, or odd hours, or who travel a lot for work, they may also be prioritizing their remaining time to spend with their families. So the problem there lies with your absentee husband and the effect his extra 30 hours a week of working is having on your marriage -- not people who aren't taking time away from their own families to be with you.

Second, I don't think you're recognizing what friendship is at your age. If you go to the gym and see someone there often and chat, then she's a friend. If she has a job and a husband and possibly children, then the time at the gym is taking up a good chunk of her free time, and she may not have extra time elsewhere to be continually going out with you.

If you're going to couples groups, well, why don't you consider the couples in the group your friends, and why don't you consider the time with them to be time spent with friends? They're spending their free time with you and your husband socializing, why do they need to spend time they may not have doing more than that?

If you're volunteering, why don't you consider the time you spend there time with friends? If you're at work, why don't you consider your colleagues to be friends? You're spending plenty of time with lots of people. When they're not spending time working with you, at the gym with you, volunteering with you, socializing in groups with you, they're fitting in all the other pieces of their lives into their schedules. That doesn't mean they're not interested in you, it just means they have a lot more going on in their lives than you.

The bottom line, that you've been writing over and over for years here, is that your husband works way too much and you're lonely and bored because of it. If your husband worked the same hours as you do and was home and paying attention to you, you wouldn't be coming back here over and over again. So the top priority is to deal with the problem in your marriage.

[IndigoLight]

Originally Posted by nowitsshowtime

What actual hobbies do you have. Drinking coffee isn't a hobby.

Take your favorite hobbies and run with it. It's always easy conversation, plus people are naturally more open and happy while participating in their hobbies, and from there you can always continue to do something with said person with similar hobby.

Second that.
Check out meetup.com for interest groups in your area

[GrainOfSalt]

Originally Posted by Yankeesfan

Bass, you've been posting the same thing for several years in different forums on this board, that your husband works 70 hours a week and you have no friends.

The bottom line, that you've been writing over and over for years here, is that your husband works way too much and you're lonely and bored because of it. If your husband worked the same hours as you do and was home and paying attention to you, you wouldn't be coming back here over and over again. So the top priority is to deal with the problem in your marriage.

As I read this thread I had the same thoughts!

Bass, I know how you feel. I'm a bit older than you but I too have a workaholic husband and found myself alone way too often. His work schedule nearly ruined our marriage. I love him dearly but I was losing my mind.

The problem here is not you. It's your husband.

I gave mine an ultimatum. I had no choice, the lifestyle was killing me. Life is short.... wasting your life waiting for your partner to show up is no way to go through life. It was a tough period for us when I laid it out for him that I couldn't go on being so alone in "our" marriage, but he finally got it. He will be leaving the job that has sucked the life out of both of us in four months. It can't happen soon enough for me.

You seem like a nice person with a lot to give. It ticks me off your husband would be critical of how you are approaching this whole "making friends" thing. What needs to be realized is the friend you need, YOUR HUSBAND, is what is missing.

[Bass101]

Originally Posted by Yankeesfan

Bass, you've been posting the same thing for several years in different forums on this board, that your husband works 70 hours a week and you have no friends.

I think you're expecting too much from others in terms of friendship.

First, most people don't work as many hours as your husband does. (What does he do the requires so many hours of work, and what is this hobby that takes up the rest of his time and that you aren't able to participate in with him?) So during the hours that you're home from work and feeling lonely because your husband isn't there, other people are spending with their spouses who choose to work normal hours and choose to spend the time with their families instead of 20-30 extra hours a week at work. If they have children, as many couples your age do, they're justifiably spending time with their children too. For those who do work longer-than-normal hours, or odd hours, or who travel a lot for work, they may also be prioritizing their remaining time to spend with their families. So the problem there lies with your absentee husband and the effect his extra 30 hours a week of working is having on your marriage -- not people who aren't taking time away from their own families to be with you.

Second, I don't think you're recognizing what friendship is at your age. If you go to the gym and see someone there often and chat, then she's a friend. If she has a job and a husband and possibly children, then the time at the gym is taking up a good chunk of her free time, and she may not have extra time elsewhere to be continually going out with you.

If you're going to couples groups, well, why don't you consider the couples in the group your friends, and why don't you consider the time with them to be time spent with friends? They're spending their free time with you and your husband socializing, why do they need to spend time they may not have doing more than that?

If you're volunteering, why don't you consider the time you spend there time with friends? If you're at work, why don't you consider your colleagues to be friends? You're spending plenty of time with lots of people. When they're not spending time working with you, at the gym with you, volunteering with you, socializing in groups with you, they're fitting in all the other pieces of their lives into their schedules. That doesn't mean they're not interested in you, it just means they have a lot more going on in their lives than you.

The bottom line, that you've been writing over and over for years here, is that your husband works way too much and you're lonely and bored because of it. If your husband worked the same hours as you do and was home and paying attention to you, you wouldn't be coming back here over and over again. So the top priority is to deal with the problem in your marriage.

This is an interesting way of putting it. I have actually never viewed the situation this way, but your descriptions above definitely give me some things to think about. But you're right, I don't view my work colleagues, people we socialize with at couples outings, people I volunteer with or see at the gym, etc. as friends. I guess I only consider myself as having one friend here. When I think of what I'd like in a friend, it would be to have a friend I can get together with, about twice a month, for lunch or dinner or some activity, especially the lonely nights (and weekend nights) when my hubby is working. And someone who I can connect with on a deeper level through meaningful conversations, someone who I can confide in and who can confide in me, and who can be a source of social support when needed. None of my work colleagues, people I volunteer with, etc. are a friend according to my definitions. They're people I might make small talk with from time to time, but that's it, because there's no deeper connection. I'm interested in cultivating meaningful friendships with people with whom I can make a connection. Someone I see a few times a year at a couples activity and whom I make small talk with but never get together with in any other setting isn't really a friend in my mind.

A friend is someone I can get together with from time to time. I'm not the kind of person who wants to hog all their free time. Getting together once or twice a month would be enough and I don't think this is too much when you're making a new friend. If I want to see a movie and go out for lunch on a Saturday, it would be nice to have someone to call instead of doing this alone. If I want to go to a museum on the weekend, it would be nice to have someone to go with instead of doing this alone too. My husband's work hours will never change. These long hours just come with the job. Even though we've been married 7 years, I did not fully realize the cumulative effect (extreme loneliness) these long hours would have on me. But the only thing I can do is try to cope with them, which I have not been doing the best job of. The best way to do this is just to fill these lonely hours with activities that are ordinarily done alone (reading, cooking, crafts, exercise, etc.). Yes I could certainly be busier, outside of work, the gym, church fellowships and volunteering, couples events, and volunteering at another organization. I guess I can find some more groups to join. None of these things makes me feel less lonely--only meaningful connections with actual friends can do that--but it does help me feel a bit more "connected" to the community, rather than so isolated.

I just feel really discouraged about the friend situation and it really gets me down a lot. It's just hard when you have no family in the area too, so it's not like I can spend time with family when I'm lonely.

[CocoTheNut]

OP, it sounds like you have done just about everything people advise about making friendships. You could maybe not try so hard because you might be coming across as too eager and it might be making people suspicious of your agenda.

I think I remember reading that you are in the DC area. This area has the reputation for having a lot of ambitious transients who want to make a name for themselves and a lot of them will use people to achieve their goals. There is a strong network culture with transactional friendships. So maybe you're running into two types of people. Those who don't see how you can help them with their careers, social climbing or whatever and so are not interested in getting to know you. Or those who are tired of being used for career and social climbing and so hunker down with their long-time friends and act suspicious of newcomers. I have to admit that I am in the second camp and so I get a little suspicious when someone is eager to get to know me.

Also, one thing to consider is expanding your idea of what an ideal friend is. Sometimes, people can't find friends because they have a narrow definition of what kinds of friends they want. They are looking for friends within a narrow age range, race, socioeconomic class, education (only college-educated and above), marital status. In a way, it makes sense because we assume that we'll get along best with people who just like us. These biases can be so ingrained that we forget they are there unless we dig deeper.

But if you are looking for a decent person who would be a good friend, then these criteria shouldn't matter. A good friend could be a woman in her 50s while you're in your 30s or an immigrant or a college student in her early 20s. I think it's good to keep an open mind and not assume that you don't have anything in common with someone because they are not like you.

[jasper12]

I think that you are imaging something that probably won't happen. I had friends like that in high school and college, but as people get older, the primary relationship is with a spouse, children, family. People also become involved with careers, they just don't have the time or interest to have close relationships outside of their immediate circle. I am sorry you feel so alone, but it sounds almost unhealthy. Really, when I watch TV, and see "Sex in the City", or "Sienfeld", I really think those portray people who are completely co-dependent and enmeshed with their friends.

I just don't want you to find someone needy, who hooks into your desire for a friend, and it ends up being a horrible drama for you. Be wary of that. There are horrible users out there. You are better off alone than being used.