Dealing with a father who has threatened to disinherit me and said horrible things about my wife (spouse, thoughts)

[sherlockholmes2501]

...

[Beth56]

I see you deleted your post while I was typing. Oh well, here's my response. I hope it helps in someway.


Your father sounds like a very angry and lonely man. You sound like a decent fellow just trying to do what's right in your life. Your wife and daughter should be first. This is the nucleus of your family now, not your father or siblings.

I'm not sure what's going on in the family, but I wouldn't be handing over my daughter to someone who is acting this way, grandfather or not. If he wants to be more involved with your family, then he needs to treat all of you with a little more respect. As far as your brother, he sounds like he's just trying to add fuel to the fire so you are disinherited, more for him.

Sometimes our family can be a disappointment. I have a family member I haven't spoken to much in 40 years, his choice. But the last 13 years, haven't heard a word from him, my choice. It can be a difficult decision, but sometimes you need to distance yourself from toxic people.

Your father may be a little jealous of what you have achieved. However it appears he is putting the blame on your wife and family. If he is not willing to get real and talk things out to improve the circumstances, then I think you should move on. Don't let the disinheritance bother you. Sounds like he has already begun that process out of misaligned anger and jealousy. And I would unfriend that brother of yours from Facebook ASAP. He just wants to dig up trouble.

As a mother of 3 sons and a grandmother of 8, I would never talk about disinheriting anyone by threats. I sometimes wish to see more of my family too, but everyone works hard and is busy with their lives and raising children. I am not at the top of the list. If I were to talk about my daughter in-laws with disrespect, I can assure you my sons would have none of it, and I wouldn't blame them. Spending time with family is more quality time now, now quantity. Perhaps your father feels rejected, perhaps he is being selfish or a jerk. I don't know the answer. If he is physically or mentally ill, this could be part of the problem. Your siblings are another subject.

Good luck. It can be so hard to balance family. Your wife and daughter should come first. But there are some parents/family that just are not able to understand this. I would try sitting down with your father and have a long conversation. If he won't listen, then do whatever you need to do. Go on with your life. These negatives and stresses no one needs.

[texdav]

If you are going to lead your life based on inheritance and other controls your father has then ;it is what it is. Otherwise breakout on your own and take full control including responsibilty for your own future.

[purehuman]

Exactly right texdav

[pll]

It get's to a point in life where one realizes that money isn't everything. Figure out a way to make your own. If inheriting money comes with strings, stress and drama then cut it loose...It's not worth it..Trust me...I've been there.

[Padgett2]

Look at it this way..... You got by OK without his money yesterday, and you made it today. Sure, it would be nice to have it, but you can make it tomorrow without it....right? Right!!

In fact, when he figures out that you don't care about the money, he might just change a little.

[jaijai]

Originally Posted by pll

It get's to a point in life where one realizes that money isn't everything. Figure out a way to make your own. If inheriting money comes with strings, stress and drama then cut it loose...It's not worth it..Trust me...I've been there.

Absolutely!!!
I spent years trying to appease my father because i was scared that he'd cut me out of his will if i didn't bow to his will (interesting shared use of that word eh?) and i finally got to the point where i realized that i was doing something akin to selling my soul.
I was acting against my own truth and appeasing someone who was dominating me for $$$.
It's not worth it to be owned and that's what it boils down to.
Someone is holding power over you and controlling you.
I'd rather be free and true to myself and without that money than coddle an abusive person because i want their money.
It's poison money.

[pll]

Originally Posted by jaijai

Absolutely!!!
I spent years trying to appease my father because i was scared that he'd cut me out of his will if i didn't bow to his will (interesting shared use of that word eh?) and i finally got to the point where i realized that i was doing something akin to selling my soul.
I was acting against my own truth and appeasing someone who was dominating me for $$$.
It's not worth it to be owned and that's what it boils down to.
Someone is holding power over you and controlling you.
I'd rather be free and true to myself and without that money than coddle an abusive person because i want their money.
It's poison money.

You are very wise to catch onto this right now.

It gets a little frusterating at times to see many relatives and their "so called" friends tolerating bad behavior from this person. However, these people are rewarded with lavish vactions, expensive clothing, homes, etc. So it pays off for them...I guess. Personally, I love to be able to think my own thoughts and live my own life independantly and peacefully. Some of us can't be bought. Thankfully, my spouse agrees and doesn't force this dysfunctional relationship in order to receive gifts.

Some wealthy parents think their children have the same love of material possessions, power and control that they do. They can't understand why to some of us having a happy marriage and a loving family is better then owning an expensive car, having the latest plastic surgery or a million $ mansion.

After being disinherited 3x I said forget it. It's not worth it. We came into this world without anything and we leave the same way. Be true to yourself. Wish your father the best and hope that one day he learns what is really important in life.

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

Pops and I had a rocky relationship.

His famous musings:

"I'll disown you"

"You're not getting an ounce of my wealth. It goes to your brother and charity"

"Get out of my house"

"Will my death correct you?"

That last one is my most heartbreaking one, coz that was exactly what happened.

My musings in return:

"I don't need your fricking money"

"I'll raise my own wealth ten times more than yours"

"You will yearn for me in my absence"

Again, that last one is what drives my guilt to this day becoz I refused to go home during his last months.

I didn't read the OP becoz it's gone. But man, patch up with him before he dies or live a lifetime of guilt.

They aren't real musings. They can be termed screamings.

But the verdict:
At 31, he was already married, had 2 sons, great wife. His own house and publishing company.

Me, at 31, have nothing

That's a lesson for every expat as to how much being in one's motherland matters.

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

This is weird. My father rarely comes in my dreams. I have counted just four times he visited in the last 5 years. Last night was the fifth.

I don't know how it starts. I'm in the living room of my house. My father's seated on the couch. My mother's packing my suitcase and she brings it over. It appears like I am flying to Texas, but the house is clearly my family home back in India, I could still tell the coconut trees swaying outside and the scent of the tulsi plants in my garden.

Mom does the traditional aarthi and she places thinnoor and kumkum in my forehead. This is a ritual generally done when a long absent son returns home. But I don't get this.

She claims that some dirt's present in the back of my shirt and proceeds to wipe it off as my father continues to speak. But there is no real dirt, she shoves a big stash of currency in my back pocket.

Events drag on and I miss my flight. I'm still home. My father generally throws a fit when I miss my time. I missed a flight to Delhi once and he was furious. He gets into a rage even if I miss my Sunday church by a minute. He keeps a tab on the church entrance to check what time I'm coming in. But this time, he beckons me to take the seat opposite him.

I am restless about missing my flight and the money I spent on the flight. He seems to ignore it and continues to talk about a lot of things I don't remember now.