Why do people get defensive? (depressed, effect, aggression, thoughts)

[mistygrl092]

There's a way to de-escalate these situations and make people less defensive. For example, don't ask why questions. Ask what questions. Not why did you do that? Rather, what about that appealed to you doing it? See the difference?

I don't know if that answers your question, but it does offer a solution.

[Anja T]

My brothers do it because they want to stir the pot, muddy the waters and then you walk away frustrated because you got no where. Ever notice how you never, ever get an apology from a highly defensive person? Why is that? They get all flustered and upset to make you back down and go away. It is the equivalent of political maneuvering. Defensiveness puts them in a strong position instead being cooperative.

[Chanygirl]

I used to be one of those defensive people..I was defensive because I was taunted and made fun of all my childhood, I came from a highly dysfunctional family and got no support from anyone in my life...so later in my life when anyone was critical of me or what I was doing I automatically went into a defensive mode literally because I didn't know any other way to act or react...I had no sense of humor..I could not laugh at myself if someone made fun of me (even if it was true) because I didn't trust anyone enough to not be malicious and unkind. At the same time I never made fun of anyone else either in fear that they would react the way I did..I just didn't want the drama. My God, I created enough drama on my own. I was able to change my behavior thru a good friends at work that helped me analyze my behavior and see that sometime people just do funny things..There was ALOT of "now don't take this wrong way, but..." And I would respond with "what makes you think I'll take it the wrong way?" and they would very patiently explain it to me... A phrase that was used alot and I use it now is "With all the love in my heart I have to tell you this.." another one was someone would make a critical statement followed by "said with love" and of course.."don't take this personnally but"... it took a long time..almost 5 years but I am a calm person now..I can see the humor in my life..I don't think everyones after me anymore and I can laugh at myself too. I still have my moments and I still feel uncomfortable around strangers on a personal level sometimes but I am night and day compared to the person I was. For me, it was not about being right it was about feeling safe. Oh and BTW I always apologised if I found out later that I had acted irrationaly..it's one thing to be defensive, it's another to be as insensitive to people as they have been with you.

[CArizona]

Good posts!...It does seem like defensive people walk around with a lot of "old baggage." (Hurts and "wounds" and anger and insecurities etc.)...They go out of their way to appear "tough" and "macho" yet deep down inside they are very "fragile."...It's hard to work through problems with a defensive person because they take so many things "personally" and they can be so "touchy."...The slightest "little thing" can "set them off." And start a "war!"

[Chanygirl]

Originally Posted by CArizona

Good posts!...It does seem like defensive people walk around with a lot of "old baggage." (Hurts and "wounds" and anger and insecurities etc.)...They go out of their way to appear "tough" and "macho" yet deep down inside they are very "fragile."...It's hard to work through problems with a defensive person because they take so many things "personally" and they can be so "touchy."...The slightest "little thing" can "set them off." And start a "war!"

I agree.....defensive people walk around with a lot of "old baggage." (Hurts and "wounds" and anger and insecurities etc.)...

...............It's hard to work through problems with a defensive person because they take so many things "personally" and they can be so "touchy."...

I disagree....The slightest "little thing" can "set them off." And start a "war!"

For me, when I was defensive..I didn't want a war..I just wanted people to leave me alone...my defensiveness was a wall to keep people out. If you had something nice to say to me I was all ears because it was praise I was longing to hear...but if people were critical just to be critical then I would go into defensive mode...it's like don't I do SOMETHING good? I have found as a general rule that most people are more receptive to critisism (sp) if you say something nice then be gentle with the bad. As in all things in life there must be balance.

[CArizona]

Originally Posted by Chanygirl

I agree.....defensive people walk around with a lot of "old baggage." (Hurts and "wounds" and anger and insecurities etc.)...

...............It's hard to work through problems with a defensive person because they take so many things "personally" and they can be so "touchy."...

I disagree....The slightest "little thing" can "set them off." And start a "war!"

For me, when I was defensive..I didn't want a war..I just wanted people to leave me alone...my defensiveness was a wall to keep people out. If you had something nice to say to me I was all ears because it was praise I was longing to hear...but if people were critical just to be critical then I would go into defensive mode...it's like don't I do SOMETHING good? I have found as a general rule that most people are more receptive to critisism (sp) if you say something nice then be gentle with the bad. As in all things in life there must be balance.

Thanks for sharing....I agree. Being "hyper critical" doesn't help anything. There are many different ways to say things and bring things up without "feuling the fires!"...I have been around some people who "react negatively" to most everything. If I go out of my way to be caring and tender some people have still taken what I've said as an "attack." And they are quick to "attack back! " It seems like they sort of view life as a "do or die war zone" and this is sad...When people are in "partnerships" together they are always going to run into situations and problems that have to be mutually resolved. It's hard or next to impossible to resolve problems with someone who is "hyper sensitive" to any hint of what they consider criticism....This has been my experience anyway. Thanks for posting and thanks for sharing your insights and experiences too!

[carolinablue4u]

Originally Posted by CArizona

There is no way to resolve differences with someone who becomes highly defensive! It's a waste of time and it can sure become "ugly!"...I think it boils down to never wanting to admit to making a mistake or being "wrong." How do you feel about it?...For some reason defensive people want to pretend that they are "perfect" all the time. And supposedly "perfect people" never make any mistakes. They want to pass all of the blame over to the other side and get in the "attack mode" if anyone dares to question their behavior...They act like little kids and hurl insults at anyone who suggests that might have been "less than perfect." "But you did this and this and that" they shout in their defense and "throw stones" at anyone who tries to resolve problems with them! They use anger and the threat of further "attacks" and intimidation to try to silence anyone who confronts them...Do you have many defensive people in your life? How do you view them? How do you handle their defensive "attacks?" Do you walk away?

This perfectly describes my ex-husband (hence, one of the reason's he's an ex), and yes, I'd had 14 years of it and finally walked away. No one in my extended family could stand to be around Mr. Perfect.

[dcartier]

Originally Posted by Chanygirl

I used to be one of those defensive people..I was defensive because I was taunted and made fun of all my childhood, I came from a highly dysfunctional family and got no support from anyone in my life...so later in my life when anyone was critical of me or what I was doing I automatically went into a defensive mode literally because I didn't know any other way to act or react...I had no sense of humor..I could not laugh at myself if someone made fun of me (even if it was true) because I didn't trust anyone enough to not be malicious and unkind. At the same time I never made fun of anyone else either in fear that they would react the way I did..I just didn't want the drama. My God, I created enough drama on my own. I was able to change my behavior thru a good friends at work that helped me analyze my behavior and see that sometime people just do funny things..There was ALOT of "now don't take this wrong way, but..." And I would respond with "what makes you think I'll take it the wrong way?" and they would very patiently explain it to me... A phrase that was used alot and I use it now is "With all the love in my heart I have to tell you this.." another one was someone would make a critical statement followed by "said with love" and of course.."don't take this personnally but"... it took a long time..almost 5 years but I am a calm person now..I can see the humor in my life..I don't think everyones after me anymore and I can laugh at myself too. I still have my moments and I still feel uncomfortable around strangers on a personal level sometimes but I am night and day compared to the person I was. For me, it was not about being right it was about feeling safe. Oh and BTW I always apologised if I found out later that I had acted irrationaly..it's one thing to be defensive, it's another to be as insensitive to people as they have been with you.

Good for you, you became aware of your sensitivity and you did something about it Your friends may have helped, but you deserve all the credit.

I had a couple of relationships with defensive people and finally I walked away from them for good. I had to constantly walk on egg shells around them in fear of how they might take any and all my words. Life is too short and it doesn't need to be harder than it is supposed to be. Some people don't get that not everything is about them.

I believe that to offer criticism, one must be able to accept it in return as well. So usually, I only offer criticism when I'm asked to give it and then I evaluate what makes me an a good enough expert on X or Y.

I accept criticism so long as it is constructive, well intentioned and well informed. I won't accept criticism or advice on my marriage from a woman who's on her 5th dead-beat boyfriend this year, for example. But there's no need to get defensive about it

[CArizona]

People are always making suggestions to me. Guess this is all part of being a human and interacting with other humans...Everyone is just trying to be helpful. Most people have good intentions. I don't think everyone is trying to "put me down." Or criticize me...And I'd probably be bored if I was surrounded by "yes people" all the time. There would be no "surprises!" I don't want to hang out with "brown-nosers" or people who always tell me what they think I want to hear about myself or life in general!...I don't mind being questioned. It gives a chance to see if my ideas "hold water" and seem practical etc...Someone else may have a better idea than I do and this is fine. The more ideas the better as far as I am concerned! I don't want to get caught up in "ego stuff!"....I know that I'm not everyone's "cup of tea." I .won't be everyone's "first choice" and this is okay. I don't want to be "hyper sensitive" and take every "little thing" personally.

[mateo45]

Yeah, these are usually the Narcissistic and Borderline folks, who have a pretty shaky and unreal self-image, so it's almost impossible for them to imagine any other way of seeing things except theirs. Was married to one, and I found this book to be helpful: "Stop Walking on Eggshells".