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To be honest, I have a feeling that whatever you're dealing with seems gigantic to you, but will not seem as earth-shattering to anyone else. Especially if it's something you've been dealing with since you were 11 or 12. You've already said it's not a crime and that you were not the victim of a crime. I know I could be completely wrong, but I'm guessing that it has to do with your sexuality. If that's the case, there's really nothing new under the sun when it comes to sexuality.
You clearly want to talk about it. Why don't you just take some steps to keep your indentity secret and go ahead and relieve yourself of this burden? If not here, somewhere.
okay... can't believe i'm doing this BUT f it.. depending on the next response in this thread or who responds to it, i'll reveal what the "issue" is in the next reply *gulp* or if i think you're cool enough, i'll pm you the issue so you can understand where i'm coming from.
If you can look yourself in the mirror right now, smile and say to that self,
"I like you, you're good", and after "the reveal", no matter what anyone here or elsewhere can or will say, you can do the same, I'd say you're ready to reveal what's plaguing you. If not, I'd say you still need some soul searching.
Best of luck....B4U
To be honest, I have a feeling that whatever you're dealing with seems gigantic to you, but will not seem as earth-shattering to anyone else. Especially if it's something you've been dealing with since you were 11 or 12. You've already said it's not a crime and that you were not the victim of a crime. I know I could be completely wrong, but I'm guessing that it has to do with your sexuality. If that's the case, there's really nothing new under the sun when it comes to sexuality.
You clearly want to talk about it. Why don't you just take some steps to keep your indentity secret and go ahead and relieve yourself of this burden? If not here, somewhere.
yeah.... it may seem like a typical thing to somebody else where it's nothing but to me, it's a huge weight. i don't even want to put myself in the spotlight but okay.
been real hesitant to talk about it but here goes nothing. okay, as a little kid in the single digits, i acted real effeminate. i wasn't playing with barbie dolls, into plays or whatever. i was playing with trucks, sesame street, and all that but i acted real effeminate to the point where it was suspect. at one point, one of my friends in middle school asked if i was gay and i completely denied it to him despite knowing what he was talking about. this was back when i was 9. eventually, my brother saw how effeminate i was acting at this summer day camp we were going to and he told me to "stop it because the other kids would wonder if there was something wrong with me". so i stopped that and started acting more masculine. at the time, i was in my teenage phase acting like a thug. my speech changed, i changed up my walk, my attitude, i started keeping my hand and my wrist straight and stopped doing it limp wrist like. i was basically washing away any physical signs that would make someone question my sexuality.
now... here's the thing that's been bothering me. okay, as a kid, i kind of had these fantasies of being chased around by certain male figures or whatever. it was sort of in an affectionate way so to say. to me, it wasn't no thing. however, when i started masturbating which was in the single digits, i masturbated to anything that got me aroused. women and men and i enjoyed it. somethings i shouldn't have masturbated about in general, i masturbated to pictures of women and men. i really didn't give a damn at the time. one day in 1998, had to be when i was 11 or 12. i happened to be humping the bed to an advertisement in the gamepro magazine with these muscular guys in a bodybuilding contest. i was aroused like hell as usual and i jerked off to them. however, i realized something that.. "whoa, why am i masturbating to a bunch of men? i actually like this to." it was then that i realized that i was like "am i gay?" and i stopped masturbating to any men completely and strictly masturbated to women. i thought that it would change my thought process on me getting aroused to anything male related because i thought i wasn't gay or anything like that. i ended up having a conflict where i would try to fight certain feelings and go like "hell naw, i'm not getting aroused to this guy at all". you know, what a lot of guys do when they see another guy that puts them in a situation they don't want to be in.
on top of that, i would say that i was getting attracted to certain guys as a kid even though i don't want to admit it. kind of like fantasizing about them. at the same time, i felt that way about certain girls too. if i saw a woman that i liked, i would get aroused to them too and fantasize a bit. when i got older, teenager, etc, the same thing happened but one thing i noticed, i would feel a slightly stronger attraction to a guy who i happened to think is attractive more so than i would on with a woman even though i was attracted to her as well. it was getting weird. i was going huh? to top it off, there were certain guys throwing that gay stuff in my direction where i was like "whoa". at the same time, i was trying to go out with girls and stuff. i had a couple of girls that were interested in dating me but i was scared of going out with them. i wasn't attracted to the ones that were interested in me. they weren't my type but i felt some sort of pressure. "what would it look like if i said that i wasn't feeling this girl right here?" people would say that i'm picky, people would start to wonder about me and think that i'm gay. so i got scared. all throughout high school and college even, i didn't get any girls because i didn't show any interest, wasn't trying to get any numbers, weren't trying to date the ones that showed interest in me, i was just a scared itch. i also started wondering if i could ever see myself in a relationship being the way that i am and dealing with my insecurities and i started to realize.. even if i was in a relationship with a girl that i thought was attractive or whatever, would i be happy? would it even work? would i be able to brush away the insecurities i have with myself and go about my life loving this woman, having kids and acting like i didn't jerk off to other guys or wasn't checking out certain dudes. i felt that i would be living a lie almost. not saying that i'm not attracted to women but just saying.
looking @ now, i'm still a virgin, never had a girlfriend, am too scared to get one, don't know how i would act if i had sex or whatever. to me, i would like to get with a girl i'm attracted to first to see if the situation is what it is because someone looking from the outside in would say... "you're just confused and maybe you should get laid first to see if you really like women like that". i don't know though. that's the thing. i honestly don't know. maybe my attraction to women might pop up if i stop masturbating frequently like i do. (for the record, i've tried that and nothing changed). you know then if it is what it is, slowly handle what it is. and over the last 5 years, maybe i'm just being paranoid but i'm noticing that i have some gay guys that kind of been trying to push up alongside me. i'm not going to get into any details because like i don't know who's reading this. for all i know, somebody who probably was trying to get their little flirt on with me, i thought were showing some interest in me or at least thought were throwing passes @ me is probably reading this. who knows but i've had some dudes pretty much pull my card either knowingly or unknowingly and i straight up backed up like "whoa". this person has gaydar or somthing. there's more to add to this. then to top it off, let's say that i really was that or if i liked both women and men, how the hell am i supposed to deal with it? bisexual males aren't respected by neither sides, misunderstood, etc AND i can't see myself getting integrated into that gay culture either. i certainly don't act or seem like the gay type at all or at least that's what i think now. i can't see myself being a typical gay dude doing all that fashion, sounding all high pitch, trying to act like a woman, and all that bs. i can see why some dudes do it as a form of pride BUT i can't see myself doing that. that would be stepping out of character for me.
so my question is.... what is up with me? am i a confused straight guy or am i in the closet?
Last edited by the nation is still angry; 09-14-2011 at 01:08 PM..
Very brave for you to share this, and I'm pretty sure you're 'safe' here.
I'm female and seeing a really sexy woman can be enjoyable just like seeing a hot guy. And I'm straight. Beyond the sexual attraction, how do you feel about men and women?
Very brave for you to share this, and I'm pretty sure you're 'safe' here.
I'm female and seeing a really sexy woman can be enjoyable just like seeing a hot guy. Beyond the sexual attraction, how do you feel about men and women?
i don't know to be honest with you. let's say if i had to chose to between with a certain guy or a certain girl from the past that i was interested in being with, i'd feel more comfortable and happier being with the guy more so than the girl. i feel less shy around dudes than women and i can't seem to break the ice with women in terms of getting romantic with them. something just makes me unable to do so. i think it's anxiety or uncertainty. for that reason, i don't think a woman would be able to connect with me like that though. in fact, sad to say but most of the time when i talk with a woman, i only seem to connect with them on a friend level. i would certainly like to get the right woman on a romantic level being that i'm a virgin and all but with these issues and getting older, it's beginning to look like that that might not be the case as i thought. that's what i think but i've never been in any relationship before so i don't know. i might find out that i'm actually straighter than i think i am if i get into a relationship with a woman and enjoy it, might be gayer than i think i am if i get into a relationship with a man and enjoy it, probably is just bisexual or asexual. i don't have a single clue.
but what is your take on my situation though?
Last edited by the nation is still angry; 09-14-2011 at 01:49 PM..
First, if you are gay or bisexual you do not have to get sucked into any "culture" that doesn't feel good and right to you.
There are many, many gay men and women who live "normal" lives and who are not walking cliches.
One of the the "tricks" of happiness for all of us (regardless of sexual orientation) is to live authentically which usually involves (especially for those of us who are non-conventional in any way) being unfailingly honest with yourself.
It takes courage and the realization that to be yourself, despite the potential judgments of others, is of utmost importance.
You cannot allow other people to determine your existence.
It will make you sick because you'll be betraying your own truth and that's not a happy way to be.
I understand that you're paranoid about people who you know reading these posts.
The chances of anyone recognizing you here are slim to none and it may be a good way to begin to come out if you are indeed gay.
It may be a good way to practice letting go of your fears about what other people think about you.
If you are gay or bi and you want to live openly and honestly you are most likely going to have to deal with some judgment.
You'd think this society would be over it by now but it's just not so.
That's why living in a liberal and tolerant environment can be really supportive.
Also, it's really healthy and good to be able to have love and intimacy and sex so, at some point, you're going to have to take a leap, either into the arms of a man or the arms of a woman .... or both. (kidding ... "not that there's anything wrong with it" ... ever watch Seinfeld?)
If you live in or close to an urban area (or a progressive rural area) you might want to seek out a support group for people who are dealing with similar issues.
Congrats for revealing your secret.
I hope that you can get over any paranoia about being recognized and enjoy some relief as a result of your honesty here.
Finally, nobody can tell you who you are and what you feel.
You can't allow anyone to tell you if you are gay or bi or whatever.
You need to find that out for yourself.
First, if you are gay or bisexual you do not have to get sucked into any "culture" that doesn't feel good and right to you.
There are many, many gay men and women who live "normal" lives and who are not walking cliches.
One of the the "tricks" of happiness for all of us (regardless of sexual orientation) is to live authentically which usually involves (especially for those of us who are non-conventional in any way) being unfailingly honest with yourself.
It takes courage and the realization that to be yourself, despite the potential judgments of others, is of utmost importance.
You cannot allow other people to determine your existence.
It will make you sick because you'll be betraying your own truth and that's not a happy way to be.
I understand the you're paranoid about people who you know reading these posts.
The chances of anyone recognizing you here are slim to none and it may be a good way to begin to come out if you are indeed gay.
It may be a good way to practice letting go of your fears about what other people think about you.
If you are gay or bi and you want to live openly and honestly you are most likely going to have to deal with some judgment.
You'd think this society would be over it by now but it's just not so.
That's why living in a liberal and tolerant environment can be really supportive.
Also, it's really healthy and good to be able to have love and intimacy and sex so, at some point, you're going to have to take a leap, either into the arms of a man or the arms of a woman .... or both. (kidding ... "not that there's anything wrong with it" ... ever watch Seinfeld?) If you live in or close to an urban area (or a progressive rural area) you might want to seek out a support group for people who are dealing with similar issues.
Congrats for revealing your secret.
I hope that you can over any paranoia about being recognized and enjoy some relief due to your honesty here.
yeah.... but what do you label people like those that have similar issues without putting them in a group? i don't think going to one of those lgbt places would help. they probably would completely misunderstand me and make me even more confused than helped. i think it would be completely unfair to be labeled as something that i'm not 100 percent sure of yet.
i'm still curious to know what you guys think though. would you guys say that i'm straight, gay, bisexual, confused about my sexual orientation?
yeah.... but what do you label people like those that have similar issues without putting them in a group? i don't think going to one of those lgbt places would help. they probably would completely misunderstand me and make me even more confused than helped. i think it would be completely unfair to be labeled as something that i'm not 100 percent sure of yet.
i'm still curious to know what you guys think though. would you guys say that i'm straight, gay, bisexual, confused about my sexual orientation?
I meant a support group with others that are similarly confused, questioning, etc..
You "label" them human beings who are searching for their truth ... if you gotta label ... which you don't.
You've got to get over letting other people tell you who you are!!!
Find yourself, find your spine (it's often takes a life time ... start now while you're still young!)
I meant a support group with others that are similarly confused, questioning, etc..
You "label" them human beings who are searching for their truth ... if you gotta label ... which you don't.
You've got to get over letting other people tell you who you are!!! Find yourself, find your spine (it's often takes a life time ... start now while you're still young!)
that's my goal. to be happy and free without giving a uck. i realized that i might lose somethings or some people i love dearly by this but i'm getting old and i don't feel like torturing myself anymore. one thing that i learned is that nuture does affect the nature of things because if certain things weren't present in my life around that time, i guarantee that i would have been a much different person and probably would be way more happier and less miserable. you know... i really wouldn't care about what anybody thought of me as long as i'm happy with myself and right now, i'm not happy with myself. i feel like taking a step towards figuring out my sexuality would make me feel much better about myself and might set the stage for me to doing things to take some control in my life.
but as for support groups, i live around the nyc area so that might not be a problem. i'll try to search for one or maybe a hot line or even somewhere on the internet to go to which can help me.
Well, congratulations for talking about this. I know it took a lot of courage and I hope at the very least you feel better for getting it off your chest. And I think that you'll see that people here are not going to judge you in any way.
As far as whether you're straight, gay, bi, or confused, at this point I would pick confused. You're a virgin, attracted to women somewhat and to men fairly strongly. From your fear about having someone find out you're posting this, I'm guessing you're living with a family that might react harshly if you were to discuss this with any of them, which is probably why even having these questions has been so difficult for you.
I know you feel like a support group would label you or try to get you to "join" their culture, but I think you would most likely be pleasantly surprised if you reached out to someone. I'm straight, but I can only imagine that every gay or bisexual person out there had a moment at some point where they thought "Hmmmm, this doesn't seem to be the way most of my friends feel about guys" or girls, as the case may be. Other gay or straight people might be in the best position to help you sort out your feelings.
And you said above that you can't see yourself "acting gay" by being interested in fashion and speaking in a high-pitched tone, but that's not a requirement, LOL. I'm not saying you're gay or bi (because I don't know), but if it turns out you are, you don't have to change your behavior, your mannerisms or your essence of being one bit. You get to still be you, but you in a relationship that makes you happy.
You've been on this road for many years and if the people here are the first people you've told about this, you just took a huge leap forward. Do the best you can to let go of your fear and start trying to accept yourself for who you are--whether it's straight, gay or bi. Seek out some live people to talk to about it and do your best to be honest with yourself.
Congratulations again for posting!
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it may seem like a typical thing to somebody else where it's nothing but to me, it's a huge weight. i don't even want to put myself in the spotlight but okay. 
(kidding ... "not that there's anything wrong with it" ... ever watch Seinfeld?)
