Questions about behavior (depressed, diet, quit, schizophrenia)

[PurePugx3]

My 59yo dad (I'm 40) passed away suddenly a few days ago. I'm an only child and the person having to go through his belongings, etc (he's also single). My dad and me were not close the last couple of years and have always had a difficult relationship. I've learned much about my dad the last few days, via relatives and things he has written down.

For starters, my dad has always drank but the last few months he was at the liquor store daily. At the time of his death he had a 24yo GF, 35 year age difference. I also learned he has dated other young women in this age group. His granddaughter, my daughter, is 20yo so I was a little taken aback by this. Not judging but surely was surprised. He's blown through tens of thousands and racked up a lot of debt, particularly in the last few months. His finances are in absolute disarray. From reading the text messages sent back and forth, he was abusive toward the 24yo GF, verbally/emotionally. Very cold and harsh, seems as though they fought a lot. He was also abusive to my mom in the same manner when they were married back in the 70's. He was also abusive toward his parents and a younger brother. Only has one sister and I always noticed he acted in a vaguely sexual way toward her. My DH once noticed him overtly leering at our DD a couple years ago. He lived with another younger brother for the better part of 20 years (adulthood).

My dad seemed to live in some sort of fantasy land and spun a LOT of stories and otherwise grandiose lies. No one ever felt as though they really knew my dad, he had few to no male friends and eventually no platonic friends at all. He tended to "not play well with others." It seemed he only liked women if he could sleep with them, and only genuinely liked a handful of other guys throughout his life. One of his favorite pastimes was writing poetry; some very melodramatic, usually about a woman or women in general. Other "material" could be quite morbid and graphic, some just off the wall strange. When he was in school in the 60's, a teacher read some of his writing and told his mother he "needed help." I'm no literary critic but most of his writing is bizarre and disconcerting, at best.

Not looking for a "diagnosis" but wondering if anyone here has dealt with someone in their life who may have behaved in a similar manner. Personally, I'm not an "ageist" but I am a little freaked out about the much younger GF and the sheer volume of abusive texts sent to her. The sexual stuff has always
creeped me out. My dad could also be extremely blunt with people with no concern for their feelings whatsoever. If he got upset with a person, he could go years without speaking to them, as punishment. He stopped talking to me two years ago after deciding he didn't like the way I asked questions of him. He died without us ever reconciling but I don't feel one way or the other about that. Mostly just trying to get my head around some of his behavior.

[SusqueHappy]

It sounds as though your dad had some debilitating problems.

There are several things that can contribute to a person failing to maintain themselves in life, ways that show up in the body and mind. Most often these problems exist together in some way and feed eachother, which is why a life like your father lived is often called "spiraling" out of control as if under it's own destructive power. The main areas are:


- Psychiatric disorders from trauma, especially childhood trauma, and most especially sexual trauma (which violates the growing integrity of the child's nervous system and damages their *sense of self*)


- Developmental disorders, like personality disorders or what I call *developmental schizophrenia* when a person's personality is structured to project onto others unwanted parts of themselves and steal from others their desirable aspects. What I'm describing is a malformation or arrest of the normal childhood psychology where the child uses adults and fantasy to mitigate distress and integrate the confusing senses he is experiencing within himself.

[Actual clinical schizophrenia I don't know much about, I'm not a psychologist, I am very interested in the mind and developmental psychology. I'm just trying to use plain language and my own synthesis of understanding the material I've read over the years, so please read it in this light ]

Also emotional abuse and neglect will damage the child's ability to form a coherent constructive self image.


- Physical and neurological damage and/or retardation from physical abuse, accidents, shock and post traumatic stress (which I believe damages the nervous system - see author Peter Levine on this important topic), and chronic substance abuse


The behavior of your father probably came from some of these factors and depended on his circumstances and 'core personality.' It's a shame that some of the worst circumstances for people in this condition is our modern society where help and compassion are difficult to find.


I admire you for following your curiosity about your father and hope that it brings you a fuller sense of your life and family. Kudos to you!

I hope I helped, please keep reading and looking for information. Also keep an open mind and a loving heart!

[katjonjj]

I don't have a PhD or anything but I do know from experience that nutrition directly affects behavior. Just like how an autistic child might be given a special diet. If your father's body was telling him it was unhealthy, whether due to alcohol consumption or poor diet, he may have interpreted those signals as a craving for young and healthy. But not only that, he may have also been resentful of their health and vitality as well. Sometimes it's as simple as a misinterpretation of ones own body's nutritional needs.

[PurePugx3]

Originally Posted by katjonjj;

I don't have a PhD or anything but I do know from experience that nutrition directly affects behavior. Just like how an autistic child might be given a special diet. If your father's body was telling him it was unhealthy, whether due to alcohol consumption or poor diet, he may have interpreted those signals as a craving for young and healthy. But not only that, he may have also been resentful of their health and vitality as well. Sometimes it's as simple as a misinterpretation of ones own body's nutritional needs.

That is an interesting idea to ponder over. His alcohol consumption was only excessive in the last few months he was alive. Excessive would be an understatement in his case. Bank and credit card statements indicate daily trips to the liquor store. He spent thousands on alcohol since the beginning of the year. Prior to then he drank, but nothing at all like in recent months. As it turns out, he found out he had 6-9 months to live back in January, due to his heart condition. His heart condition would cause him to pass out. This past spring he passed out at work and was forced to quit his job after 20+ years of working there. I don't doubt he was seriously depressed over these issues and drinking to "deal" with everything. I'm sure his dietary habits were terrible by then too.

Prior to all these issues he was a vegetarian and drank socially, yet sometimes to excess. Not all the time. That aside, he's always been a "different" person,
always hard to deal with. His mother is similar in personality.

[nighthouse66]

what exactly did he die of? is this something that perhaps he saw coming, which made him decide to drink?

it would be difficult to explain why your father acted the way he did. he sounds somewhat narcissistic, especially if he didn't have many male friends. he probably felt in competition with them, and i imagine that would explain in part why he chose younger girlfriends.

tho, to be fair, with your father being 59 and his girlfriends being at least in their twenties, i don't see that in and of itself as evidence of any sort of disturbance if he treated them WELL. being that he was your father naturally you don't want to know anything about his sexual life, but he definitely had one. but the fact that he was abusive to them and to your mother, and the manner in which he was abusive sounds like a narcissistic personality to me. someone who just felt that it was all about them and that they didn't HAVE to be nice.