Painful Live Music Experience (depressed, pressure, effect, emotional)

[AutumnTraveler]

I pushed myself to go to a singles event at a live music venue last night. It was very painful as I do not do well in social situations but I am 40 and I've never had a girlfriend so I do my best. We had over an hour to sit and chat and I did my best but one girl got up, left for a moment, then sat down on the other side of the table to talk to some other guy.

However, two more women showed up - very attractive girls and the one I was hoping to meet sat down next to me. I chatted with her and also was careful not to monopolize as a guy on the other side chatted with her too. I talked with her about her martini and olives. I could not find a way to make her laugh though. I just don't have that intelligence some times. The music started and all the ladies got up to dance in front of the stage - most of the guys too.

However, the music is just so damn loud near the stage that it hurt my ears and head. I also was just not in the best mood emotionally as I am struggling with business and finances. I just do not have "fun" at live music venues. I don't understand the process. I was somewhat jealous seeing the other guys laughing and having fun with the girls while I stood away from the stage a bit. The noise was too much for me to take so I left.

Women don't like guys who don't have fun and so that I why I am single. But MUST I have my ears blasted out and pretend I like dancing and moving my body in order for women to like me? Are there women who are okay with guys who have fun in other ways? I play tennis and run and like coffee shops. I guess I should go to coffee shops more often.

I still find meeting women excruciatingly painful as I have so little experience yet I have such strong desire to be in a relationship, experience intimacy, and of course, sex in its various forms. I CRAVE to be in a relationship but get overwhelmed when the prize is right there but I can't get it - yet - without a ton of work, but I've worked/struggled at this for so many years.

It's the equivalent of being starving for three days and I find a thanksgiving meal on a table but I am not aloud to eat it yet.

So frustrated and depressed right now. I feel sick to my stomach. There is just too much effort required and I don't know the magical steps to a woman's heart.

[AutumnTraveler]

I feel even worse now thinking about it as the woman who sat next to me is really hot! She is also friendly. She is someone who I would like to date. I feel sick that I missed an opportunity to try and give her a good time. I asked her to be friends on facebook but I haven't heard back.

[redvelvet709]

Music and liking it have NOTHING to do with gaining the interest of a female. i will tell you what does.
A man with confidence! A leader, a man who is ambitious, responsible, directed, goal-oriented, charismatic and capable!
Women are not going to choose a passive and otherwise whiney man over a man who has a strong sense of himself and his place in the world.

I think perhaps your focus should be on working to make yourself the kind of man a woman wants, the kind of partner you are hoping for. Meet a woman where she is or better. No grown woman wants to be stronger than the man she is with.
Also, it's important to know a man can protect me and stand up if and when needed. Are you able to say these are things you can do with confidence?
We don't like timid men. We don't like men who are depressed all the time.

Slinking off and leaving becasue you felt less-than confident will not, in effect, gain the approval of any women.

I am sure you can list a few strengths of yours. Capitalize on those.

And don't assume all women just want "fun" all the time. Not everyone likes live music, either.

The only women you are likely to meet in a coffee shop are students or unemployed girls. Yes, that's a generalization, but try, oh, let's see...church! There are singles groups there that are mostly comprised of ladies.

[Coolhand68]

The time and venue were just all wrong for you.

If you are socially awkward around women, I doubt a coffee shop would be the best option. It would require you to find a way to approach someone (who most likely has ear plugs in their ears or their face buried in a book or ipad) and come up with some compelling ice breaker that would make her want to engage in conversation with you. All this while not coming on as desperate. Tough to pull off, even for the smooth talkers.

Have you tried online dating? Try participating in some activities on a platonic level which may open up opportunities for meeting women in a non-meatmarket environment. Take some classes, find groups with common interests like hiking groups, tennis groups, etc.

Do you have any single male friends? Plan some events together where you might have an opportunity to meet other singles. Expand your social circle to other men as well, one day you may just get introduced to a woman through one of these male friends. The more friends you have, the more social invitations you get...BBQ's, parties, weddings etc.

[stepka]

I agree with coolhand--the venue was all wrong. Only hang out in places where you feel the most confident so your best qualities will shine, because if you don't feel confident, you're going to have a heckuva time appearing confident. Why not advertise for a tennis partner or join a tennis club so you can meet people in that way? It seems like the best thing for you b/c coffee shops can be difficult for the same reasons that coolhand gave.

Or, here's an idea for you--it's getting close to the holidays. Go to the lingerie dept of Macy's and look for possibilities. When you see one and determine that she has no ring, sort of look perplexed and then ask her for some advice on picking out something nice for your sister or mother or someone. It will make her laugh at least. If lingerie is too weird, you can go to the coat dept or something.

[Hollytree]

How about taking a class in what interests you? in the evening if necessary. That is a very easy and non threatening way to meet someone. Pick a class a lot of women would take- not just something that would attract men- obviously.

[jaijai]

Be yourself and accept yourself and you'll find a woman who accepts and loves you.
That's how true love works and that's how you will find a meaningful and lasting relationship.
But you need to be accepting and open to a woman coming into your life who may not be (or she may be) this sick, decadent, consumer driven, vapid, externally oriented cultures notion of a beautiful (or "hot" ) woman.
Let go of preconceived and/or rigid notions of what the "right" woman is like and looks like.
It's a cliche but there's a saying that there is no "right" woman ... there is just the right woman for you.
And to maximize your chances of finding this woman, only do the things that you like to do and don't feel swayed or pressured into partaking in events or activities that don't suit your nature.
Like Hollytree suggested, take a class in something that interests you.
Don't pretend to be someone that you're not.
Honor and respect your likes and dislikes.
Again, be yourself and follow your heart.
Then you'll find a heart that will resonate with yours.
(and with that kind of heart connection, you'll have great sex ... once you get the hang of it )
All the best.

[Greenchili]

I agree,loud music SUCKS. Find other venues to meet girls,ones that DONT like loud music.

Greenchili