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Old 12-08-2011, 05:59 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,451,708 times
Reputation: 2937

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I could have found a depression-related forum to post this, but I didn't want a bunch of cyber hugs and sympathy. I also want to put this out there to depressed and non-depressed people alike. I'm not looking for sympathy, but it would be a relief to know that at least one person in a million related to at least some of this.

I've been on a downward slide for quite some time. I've experienced suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember and have dealt with various degrees of depression. The problem is that now, it's dawning on me that I'm getting older and now time is among the various factors against me.

It started from an early age. I was bullied at school, mostly verbally. My mother and stepfather decided between them that I wasn't smart enough for college and therefore, was allowed to drift. Meanwhile, my smarter, better looking younger brothers were given every opportunity under the sun, both went to college and both are successful. I think my mother saw too much of her ex husband (my father) in me.

I guess that even if they would have helped me to believe in myself and go to college, I would have struggled anyway. For some reason, I find learning via conventional methods to be almost impossible. I cannot sit down and read a book, I forget what I read literally seconds after I read it. I've tried to take evening classes, but I screwed that up too, unable to do the coursework. So as of now, I am 37 years old and have no degree. My punishment for that is that I'm paying for it now, only able to find temp work and treated like a throwaway. God knows, if I could, I would go to college, but my mind isn't capable of classroom or textbook learning.

I have severe anxiety, namely social anxiety. It's so bad now that I struggle to even order meat or cheese from the deli counter at the supermarket. Any kind of social interaction terrifies me. They had me train someone at work and I spent the whole weekend dreading it, unable to sleep. I clam up, say the wrong thing and I am terrified of being out in public and paranoid that I look weird and ugly.

I am unable to reconcile with my mother for the favoritism and the crap her ex husband said and did to me. I don't keep in touch with TNT brothers as they are yuppies and I have nothing in common with them. I have tried to be the better person and forgive and forget, but I get a sickening feeling whenever I try, especially with my mother.

Add to that, I can't stand what society has become, whether it's awful popular culture, the corporate world, the music on the radio and the fact that over the years, society in general has become less compassionate, less human and increasingly fake.

I wrestle with suicidal thoughts every day. I've never actually attempted it and I won't, because I could never do that to my wife. I often wish that I could just not wake up, or at least to live out my existence far away from mainstream culture, the rat race and from people in general. I seem to feel less lonely when I'm alone. Life has become and endless, tiring struggle. By 6pm, there's nothing left of me. Even if I didn't have the learning problem, I wouldn't have the energy to take night classes and the thought of sitting in a classroom would terrify me. If it weren't for my wife, I really would have nothing left to live for. Even the marriage is in big trouble because of my mental state and dim personality and lack of sex drive.

I'm not looking for advice. Your advice would be to see a counselor or to pop pills, or maybe turn to Jesus. I don't have health insurance, so cannot afford "help" anyway. If anyone out there can relate, feel free to share your own experiences. I feel so disconnected from society that the internet is the only place left to be heard and understood. Out there, I am nobody and my existence is pointless, watching life pass me by, as if I were watching a movie that I'm not a part of and have no control over.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
2,192 posts, read 3,326,050 times
Reputation: 1950
I know deep, paralyzing depression all too well.
I'm also one who is somewhat outside of the dominant / mainstream culture although it's by choice.
I know that you don't want advice but i'll ask you a question.
Is there some dream or vision for your life (even if it's incredibly outrageous and / or seemingly impossible) that you have or that you once had?
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:16 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,451,708 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaijai View Post
I know deep, paralyzing depression all too well.
I'm also one who is somewhat outside of the dominant / mainstream culture although it's by choice.
I know that you don't want advice but i'll ask you a question.
Is there some dream or vision for your life (even if it's incredibly outrageous and / or seemingly impossible) that you have or that you once had?
Trust me, part of my disconnection from society is by choice too. I cannot stand it, especially how cruel people are. The internet and forums like this one allow people to express their wretched views anonymously and without repercussion.

What do I want? Are you familiar with the movie 'A Quiet Earth'? It's about a guy who dies at the exact point that the world ends due to a nuclear holocaust. He wakes up totally alone in the world, no people. That's what I'd like...to wake up and be free like that. I don't hate life in the sense of nature, it's people. The older I get, the more alienated and sick of it all I'm getting. People say society is evolving, but it doesn't feel that way. All I know is that when I'm not around other people, I don't feel as inadequate, scared, ugly and alone.

Other than that, I'll settle with falling asleep and just not waking up. The world won't miss me, I won't miss it.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:45 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
12,119 posts, read 12,613,182 times
Reputation: 13515
Grew up with an npd mother who scapegoated and showed favoritism. Damaging self image, depression and an abusive relationship with another npd. No point in going into all the details.

In your mind, you're still that kid reliving those experiences everyday. When you can say screw them, they're not entitled to my life and start to move forward your thinking and life may start to change.

You can't afford health insurance and I know depression is real.
Look for clinics in your area to treat depression and social anxiety.
Get a gym membership and join a public library where you'll find self help books may make a considerable difference.

You're really underestimating what you can do on your own.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:46 PM
 
Location: Upper St. Clair
660 posts, read 523,204 times
Reputation: 342
I understand...so well how you feel, for me to go into it would be pointless...I just want oh to know a few things, I know how it feels to be in your shoes...I am not going to tell you to search for god, to forgive...you know deep down what is best for you. I have and am estranged from my family, violence, sexual and physically abuse, favoritism, being the scapegoat in the family....yea I understand.
I think the holidays are hard for people, what I do is try to focus on what is good, and its hard...not long ago I was told I had a possible brain tumor...I thought this was it, I was gonna die. I cried for a long time, I didn't want to die, I started thinking about what I had, a husband, a child, two warm dogs, a family...for so long I had no one...nothing...lived at home with no friends, no car, I truly thought of taking the bridge...I am glad I didn't...I met my husband and moves far away...it was then I started to think, often and deeply about my family...I started to see and experience other people...if I bumped into someone they didn't yell at me...they said excuse me...ii found that to be odd...I started to see my reaction too was not helping matters, I had started to thaw out, to mature, experience nice things...what I am trying to say and I guess failing at is that...things change, you change...when you begin to see who you are, who your abusers wanted you to see yourself as, you begin to see its not ok...you then see its not you...your whole, someone broke you, but don't let that be your fate, glue yourself back...see them for who they really are...don't let any define you but you
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:50 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
2,192 posts, read 3,326,050 times
Reputation: 1950
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Trust me, part of my disconnection from society is by choice too. I cannot stand it, especially how cruel people are. The internet and forums like this one allow people to express their wretched views anonymously and without repercussion.

What do I want? Are you familiar with the movie 'A Quiet Earth'? It's about a guy who dies at the exact point that the world ends due to a nuclear holocaust. He wakes up totally alone in the world, no people. That's what I'd like...to wake up and be free like that. I don't hate life in the sense of nature, it's people. The older I get, the more alienated and sick of it all I'm getting. People say society is evolving, but it doesn't feel that way. All I know is that when I'm not around other people, I don't feel as inadequate, scared, ugly and alone.

Other than that, I'll settle with falling asleep and just not waking up. The world won't miss me, I won't miss it.
Yeah, there are quite a few of us who are not suited for this culture which, by the way in my opinion, is not evolving but is de-evolving!
I do not view the technological advances as an indication of human evolution.
The advances are an indication of an intellectually driven abstracted culture who's technology is not at all supported or balanced by good hearts and psychologically / emotionally / spiritually mature people.
It's kinda scary imo.
It is becoming more and more difficult for those of us who are alienated from and want nothing to do with the dominant culture to feel o.k. in it.
Faking it and compromising become less and less of a viable option and unfortunately it will probably become more difficult in time.
I do not see any evidence of a collective "awakening" that will bring the world into balance.
I see just the opposite and in this critical time, it's really discouraging and actually frightening because tic, toc, we're running out of time to turn it all around.
People may wake up only in the face of mind-blowing disaster or a string of such disasters but even that isn't a guarantee.
We see that when an event like 911 happens, for a brief time people are shaken up enough to be temporarily human but then, after a short period of time they revert back to their habitual and borgish way of living.
I like that you said that you were o.k. in nature.
That you don't hate life in its essential expression is really a good thing.
It means to me that you are sane and that, on a fundamental level, you're o.k.. .... just in the wrong world.
Nature (and my spirituality which is supported by nature) is my saving grace.
The reason that i asked you if you had a vision for your life is because i had a sense that you might be someone who is suited for a solitary and natural life.
That's o.k. and (i know you don't want advice but) it may be worth it for you to explore that possibility as i feel that there has to be some way in which sensitive, often wounded and alienated souls can find a way to be in this world without being driven insane (or driven to suicide) by a truly insane culture with a population that is indeed cruel, insensitive and quite sick actually.
I, like you ,do not see suicide as an option but i also, like you, often feel the kind of despair that results in a head space where i'd just as soon not be here.
But i don't want to give up as i have a deep allegiance to my heart / soul / spirit and i do not want to override the truth because i'm not yet in a place where the inner and outer worlds have come together.
I know that you don't want anyone telling you to find Jesus (which i'm not) but i cannot imagine how i would deal with my self and life without a strong spiritual orientation.
This, btw, can be totally resonant with the refuge of solitude and nature.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:53 PM
 
Location: Upper St. Clair
660 posts, read 523,204 times
Reputation: 342
Very nice post j....very true too....
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:54 PM
 
56 posts, read 39,585 times
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I can tell you that there is something in this life for everyone, however remote or non-existent it might seem and may have seemed to have been for you.

You were not born this way (what's the point in nature creating such misery?) and so in the same way you came to find yourself on a downward slide, you can find yourself to be on an upward climb.
The nice part of that rise is that you get to decide what to include in your life and what to exclude. Its your choice and only yours.

Many parents unfortunately do not do enough to find out what their children really like and what they don't and consequently, kids leave school and drift as you, I and many millions of kids did.

Despite apparent overwhelming evidence, those things in life that other/many people like, do, talk about, buy, watch, listen to, obsess about and think are valuable and important, don't have to be the things that you participate in or take any notice of.
You can select only those things you want.
You will find that there are things to include in your life that you will like. You just have to be exposed to them and realize that they exist.
Often we might think "Naah, that doesn't sound interesting or something for me", but when you actually encounter that place/activity/job/event, your opinion of it could change.
You have to give yourself a chance to be attracted to something.

You will find that you are not as unusual or weird or the only one "living on the edge of society" as you might feel. Lots of people are like this and there's a huge number of people who don't admit it for fear of being rejected by the very people that they don't want to be included with! A big part of finding a solution is admitting to the problem in the first place, which you have done.

It might help you to try the following.

Find a way to be alone, in as quiet a place as possible, where you won't be interrupted for a couple of hours (or more if you want).
Have some paper and a pen/pencil to hand.
Then sitting or lying down and being relaxed (close your eyes if you want), allow your mind to think of all the things that you like. Anything. Past or present.
Think of places you might want to visit. Food you like to eat. Music you like to listen to. Films you like to watch. Write all these things down.
Then think about things you would like to spend you time doing, regardless of any other factors such as money/ability/education, etc. Write all these things down.

Then ask yourself, "what would I love to do every day even if no-one paid me any money"? You can be as general or as specific as you want with this answer.

The answer(s) you get from the last question might nail something on the heard for you or give you some kind of direction to investigate further.

Please note: This process only works if you are 100% honest with yourself and that you do not hide anything from yourself, at all.

I would also say that when you keep all your thoughts, worries, fear, anger, resentment and old unsettled scores only to yourself and then you have only yourself as your critic, your heckler, your consoler and your adviser, you may find it hard to find solutions and find genuine breakthrough to a better life, which can be yours.
So, even though you seem resistant to talking with someone, I found that doing so has been very useful to me and so I would strongly recommend you approach your county's mental health/behavioral health services or department for help.
You don't need insurance for them and the services should be free or low cost.

Even if seeing someone only allows you to get some of your thoughts straight or bring an end to your sense of despair, it will help you see things differently and even see some things for the first time.

Finally, I must tell you that you hold the keys to a brighter life for yourself.

PM me directly if you want.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:06 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
12,119 posts, read 12,613,182 times
Reputation: 13515
Quote:
Originally Posted by groggo558 View Post
I can tell you that there is something in this life for everyone, however remote or non-existent it might seem and may have seemed to have been for you.

You will find that you are not as unusual or weird or the only one "living on the edge of society" as you might feel. Lots of people are like this and there's a huge number of people who don't admit it for fear of being rejected by the very people that they don't want to be included with! A big part of finding a solution is admitting to the problem in the first place, which you have done.

So true.

You can read on these forums how disconnected people feel, its not weird.

A lot of corporate rat race folks throw in the towel and opt for a simpler life, where they can connect with nature and people who do what they love.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Happy wherever I am - Florida now
2,919 posts, read 7,316,145 times
Reputation: 2521
Depression can be anger misdirected inward and seems to be so in your case. You've taken the anger at your mother and step family and squarely turned it around to where it doesn't belong, onto you. Panic can express itself when your own personal footing is on shaky ground due to all the psychological games entailed in the above.

If you realize these things you can put up a mental wall of protection against those who would influence you negatively, forgive yourself if necessary, and define for yourself who you really are. Get past this, let it go, and resolve to create a happy life for yourself.
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