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I guess we really can't avoid having expectations in our relationships. What would things be like if we had no expectations? And never made any assumptions about anyone or anything?...Is this even possible? I think we all need some sense of security and stability and "for sures" in our lives. Don't you?...But my expectations and assumptions can lead to heartache and disappointment and conflicts at times. It's easy to get caught up in the "if you loved me you'd do this or that" syndrome. How do you feel about it? Thanks.
I don't expect much of others and they don't expect much of me. I don't play that mind game of "if you loved me you do this or that. You do things because you want to.Sure I love the person I am doing those things for and vice versa. If you go into something with high expectations or any expectation and it does not turn out the way you want it then you will be diasappointed. I look at this way "it is what it is and I move on" My mom has taught me that.
They say if you lose your expectations you'll no longer be disappointed. In a perfect world that's probably so, but I don't think it's wrong to develop "reasonable" expectations of those around you. That's who you build trust. You can't go through life aloof and not holding anyone accountable.
Hope it's okay if I write a little more! I need to keep my mind occupied!...It seems like relationships have spoken and unspoken rules. Have you noticed this? And this is where expectations and assumptions come in...The trouble is that we might not be aware of someone's expectations and set of rules concerning our behavior. Things aren't always clear-cut. It can take years to know and understand what someone wants and expects of us. (Because the rules and expectations aren't always discussed or "spelled out.")...We might have to learn all of it the "hard way" through trial and error. We might have to get "yelled at" or lectured a few times before we "get" what someone wants and expects of us. It can be rough and mind-boggling at times... People may assume that we will automatically "know" what they want or like or dislike etc. But this isn't always the case...Our family members or friends may take what we do (or don't do) personally when we weren't "out to get them" at all. We just lacked awareness about how they felt and what they wanted etc...Anyway please share your thoughts and feelings too. Thanks!
Coolhand68...I agree with you. It helps to have a little consistency and predictability. Otherwise everything seems like a "free-for-all" and very chaotic!...I have a "chaotic" friend who forgets most everything and doesn't usually "follow through" on anything she says! I accept her for "who she is." I still like her. But her ways and forgetfulness can cause a lot of stress at times.
I think in situation like that, someone needs to take the high road and be the voice of calm and reason. Otherwise it just escalates and nothing is resolved. When a situation like that arises you say "look, we never discussed this and I had no idea it would affect you this way", or something along those lines. Open up communication, and use it as an opportunity to discuss other fuzzy boundaries as well. If each party holds their ground, gets defensive, or continues to play the blame game, it only does more damage. Someone has to be the one to put it all into perspective and try to establish the ground rules, the sooner the better.
I say don't expect much from others in the first place -- relationships usually don't work out and the people never stay together anyways despite declaring 'how in looove they are.' yea right. look around.
My "chaotic" friend lives in a very different culture than I do. I'm a "planner." I like to do as much as possible in advance. Some may even call me a "control freak" at times...My friend tends to wait until the very last minute to do things. She is used to having a lot of "reminders" from the people around her. Without "reminders" it's easy for things to slip out of her mind...She can be a "big-hearted" and very caring person. She can be a lot of fun too! But she's not going to suddenly change and become just like me! She thinks she is fine just the way she is. And I'm happy being who I am...It's taken me years to realize that I have to join in and give her "reminders" (too) if something is really important to me. This is how things operate in her culture...At times I've thought about backing away from her and I have a little bit. But the truth is I really do like her. I even learn new things from her and she learns new things from spending time with me...We are opposites in many ways. Total opposites. But we do have some "common ground" too and a friendship that will probably last forever despite all of our differences and "weird ways."
I have expectations, I expect if you say you are going to do abcd you should do abcd as we discussed and agreed to do I expect people will follow through, if they plan to continue to be a part of my life, yes, or they can expect I will do exactly as I say, I will do, move on, away and so on.
In other words, I expect people to be nothing other than whom they are. I know I'm a bit of a control freak because I grew up in total caos, so I like having a clue about what's going on around me, I too like having things planned out, of course knowing even the best plans can and do change in a moments notice, but I still like having something laid out. My best friend is opposite me in many ways, but we're so like earh other where it counts. You should see my arsenal when I go to the beach, always one person laughs the other says, I'm the person they want to be with in an emergency. Funny, I've worked both business management and nursing fields. Go figure.
I have a close friend that's a total train track, some of me has thankfully rubed off on her over the years, but I've watched many a loco train just grind her tracks into the earth, it's not easy to watch. I might have been like that in my early teens, but as said somewhere, people will treat you as you allow them to. I give most people the benefit of the doubt and enough rope.
Interesting thread, Claire. I guess I see it both ways. I know that it can be futile to expect people to change to live up to your expectations. But the one person I have high expectations for is my husband. If we are going to share a life together, I feel that he needs to strive to behave as I expect/wish he would. By holding these high expectations, he has grown a lot as a person and almost always does the right thing and lives a good life---and this has actually paid off for him as well since he is behaving as a quality person and living healthy, happy life. I've seen other people who expect very little from their spouses and get very little---not sure which came first.
With my friends, I usually take the exact opposite approach. I try to accept them just as they are. If I have any expectations for them, I try to not be disappointed when they fall far short and to lower the bar for them. This has resulted in my having a lot of "friends"----but not many who are quality people and the friendships are pretty one-sided. I find that I am increasingly becoming disenchanted with these anything-goes friendships and am in the process of ending some of them and just keeping those who can meet reasonable expectations.
An example of an expectation for a friendship is that people make a reasonable effort for quality face to face time. To me, that's attempting to get together once a month---at the least every other month. I have friends who like to keep in touch with the occasional e-mail, but aren't very anxious to get together. With a few of them, I harbor this expectation. I haven't fully spelled it out for them, but make it clear that I am interested in getting together. I guess it doesn't matter whether I have this expectation or not----they aren't going to change. I don't want to have to give them an ultimatum: "either we get together a few times a year or otherwise there is no point in sometimes e-mailing each other." All I know is that I am not getting what I want out of these relationships and that lowering/eliminating my expectations still won't provide me with what I want from a friendship, so it's better to just move on...
Last edited by jazzcat22; 12-28-2011 at 03:23 PM..
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