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Old 02-08-2012, 06:14 PM
Status: "I'm turquoise happy!" (set 21 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
23,868 posts, read 32,134,743 times
Reputation: 67725

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jude1948 View Post
Right now we (not me or spouse, but her husband) are trying to get DIL to go to marriage counseling. She has always been a person hard to make happy. My son is no saint, but she has been having fits of rage for some time. Two children about 6 years apart. The youngest is not a year yet. She says horrible things in front of children and belittles my son.



I will interject that she has been taking a prescribed diet medication for the past couple of months....Read the side effects and they are not good.

Oldest child has taken on a lot of mother's actions.

She has no real friends, and the one trying to get her to accept the idea of counseling is now backing off because my DIL feels she is not in the wrong. She blames everyone, but I am at the top of the list. My husband and I have done so much for her. When they first moved to the area I encouraged her to join some clubs....I said I would watch the GD if a function or gathering was at night so she could attend.

The only activity she enjoys is shopping and this seems to be getting out of control.

She never tried anything. I was there at the drop of the hat when she got sick to pick up GD and take to my home. She was of the notion that everything would be rosy when they moved here. Life happens and we could not be the "Fairy Grandparents" that she expected. Illness within family, another grandchild, that I was not expecting.

This past weekend my son and GD spent the weekend with us and he is trying to decide what to do. This came about because she actually threw something at him while she was holding the baby. He told us of the hateful treatment that he has been going through. This along with the skewed views and hatred of us. We all know she needs help. I want to see her get help. From what I have read, these actions point to being bi-polar.

I want her to get better......we all want the marriage to work. Things that she has said about me and my husband are hurtful, but knowing it comes from someone who is ill.........well, I can understand.

How do you get help for someone who does not believe they are in this condition?
In answer to your first question, you should try.
For your own sake.

If you need to find fault, find it with your son. I am saying this for a multiplicity of reasons. The first is the obvious - he has some blame.

Also, every time you put her down, do you realize that you are putting HIM down? He chose her.

My mother in law never accepted me. If she wrote down her reasons (which I am sure she believed) I am sure that I would have sounded like an awful person. She talked behind my back, and living in a small town, everything she said got back to me, and then some.

My kids are teenagers and almost grown. They never liked her nor had any desire to see her. She caused trouble. My husband began to see that life was just easier without her in the picture and we developed a Christmas Card relationship. The woman attempted to ruin my wedding and smear me all over our area. She died about five years ago. My DH had no desire to go to her service. Neither did my kids. As for myself, there was no "respect" to be payed.

Now my eldest son is getting engaged on Valentines Day. Would I have picked this girl? I don't know because that is not a choice I get to make.
If she does something that annoys me, I will keep it inside. I will say only good things to her face, and behind her back. I will LOVE her.

I do love her. Because she loves my son and he loves her.

It is a CHOICE that I have made.
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Old 02-08-2012, 08:52 PM
 
663 posts, read 1,078,760 times
Reputation: 945
Quote:
Originally Posted by hiknapster;
Usually when parents are this involved they are part of the problem and not the solution.
That's for sure.

It seems like the OP really wants to place all of the blame for what's going on completely on her DIL. Sad. Her son shouldn't be going to his parents and discussing that facet of his personal life. If it's as bad as the OP makes it sound, they either need to fix it or end it. End of story. He's an adult and IMO shouldn't lean on his parents so much.

I've seen a lot of parents who think their kids can do no wrong; a lot of times it's mothers and sons. At least in my experience.
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Old 02-09-2012, 03:17 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,827 posts, read 7,299,185 times
Reputation: 4949
It's his relationship, he needs to deal with it and make decisions whether to stay or go....having his mom there can only worsen things in his marriage, even though you are trying to do the right thing and be supportive of your son. He needs to decide what he wants and act upon it. You don't have to like her or his decisions.
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Old 02-09-2012, 08:01 AM
Status: "I'm turquoise happy!" (set 21 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
23,868 posts, read 32,134,743 times
Reputation: 67725
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurePugx3 View Post
That's for sure.

It seems like the OP really wants to place all of the blame for what's going on completely on her DIL. Sad. Her son shouldn't be going to his parents and discussing that facet of his personal life. If it's as bad as the OP makes it sound, they either need to fix it or end it. End of story. He's an adult and IMO shouldn't lean on his parents so much.

I've seen a lot of parents who think their kids can do no wrong; a lot of times it's mothers and sons. At least in my experience.
I would "rep" PurePugsX3 again if I could!

A son, I am assuming in his 20s, should certainly not be airing all of his problems to his parents! It's pathetic, like a little boy running home to mommy!

The sad thing is, my husband DID THE SAME THING when we were first married and my MIL encouraged it! After all, it was a chance to see her little boy alone and bad mouth me!

Within a couple of days whatever problem had blown over, but what still hung in the air were the vile things that SHE had said about me!
I agree with Pugs, he is a grown man! He has no place leaning on his parents as much as he does!

If I were the DIL, I would feel conspired against! Why? Because all of you are planning to take her to therapy etc. ! That is a personal matter. You are not a close friend of hers! Why should YOU of all people, be involved! When you take an adversarial position against a daughter in law the "help" that you want to give her will only be taken as interference. Why? Because it is not given in love. You want a therapist to "straighten her out", which is not the goal of therapy.

I don't know if you are a religious woman or not, but even if you aren't there is an ancient passage in Judeo-Christian tradition that you should consider -"A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife" Wise and timeless words what ever your belief system.
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Old 02-09-2012, 11:24 PM
 
663 posts, read 1,078,760 times
Reputation: 945
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I would "rep" PurePugsX3 again if I could!

A son, I am assuming in his 20s, should certainly not be airing all of his problems to his parents! It's pathetic, like a little boy running home to mommy!

The sad thing is, my husband DID THE SAME THING when we were first married and my MIL encouraged it! After all, it was a chance to see her little boy alone and bad mouth me!

Within a couple of days whatever problem had blown over, but what still hung in the air were the vile things that SHE had said about me!
I agree with Pugs, he is a grown man! He has no place leaning on his parents as much as he does!

If I were the DIL, I would feel conspired against! Why? Because all of you are planning to take her to therapy etc. ! That is a personal matter. You are not a close friend of hers! Why should YOU of all people, be involved! When you take an adversarial position against a daughter in law the "help" that you want
to give her will only be taken as interference.
Why? Because it is not given in love. You want a therapist to "straighten her out", which is not the goal of therapy.

I don't know if you are a religious woman or not, but even if you aren't there is an ancient passage in Judeo-Christian tradition that you should consider -"A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife" Wise
and timeless words what ever your belief system.
7 years or so ago my husband and I went through a very rough period in our marriage and he decided to confide in his parents. We ended up separating for about 4-5 months not too long later...I moved out. My MIL, saint that she believes she is, told me this, "Yes, there are two sides to every story but the only one I care about is my son's."

Ok, so everyone's entitled to their opinion. However, when one's opinion doesn't help and only serves to hurt, it's really just a weapon. To this day she tells me she loves me and how much I mean to her . Back in 2005 she told me everything I needed to know about how she really feels.

Seven years later we can be in the same room and not try to maim one another. I tolerate her and try to do so in person as infrequently as possible. Meddling in-laws....while the temptation may be great, they should stay out of their kids' marriages. The "kid" also needs to realize they can't run home to mommy when life gets rough.
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Old 02-09-2012, 11:45 PM
Status: "I'm turquoise happy!" (set 21 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
23,868 posts, read 32,134,743 times
Reputation: 67725
Pugs, words such as those uttered by your MIL speak volumes. She told you who she was and what she was all about in one short sentence. And all the "I love yous" in the world can never change the truth.

In general, I can't think of worse people to go to with marriage problems than ones parents. I hate to say it, but especially the mother of the son.
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Old 02-09-2012, 11:53 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,827 posts, read 7,299,185 times
Reputation: 4949
I can understand it being second nature to defend your child, no matter how old they are but you really have to step back and let them be adults and deal with it all. After all, the son is no baby nor is he a perfect angel....and he's made the adult choice to be in a relationship so let him do the adult thing by figuring out with his wife how they want to go on or not. Oh and yes, therapy is not about "straightening a person out"...
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Old 02-10-2012, 02:44 PM
 
9,408 posts, read 13,692,882 times
Reputation: 20394
Parents of grown children really need to stop meddling, stop interfering and stop trying to fix things.

It's his life, his wife, their marriage.

We have to learn to let go of our kids and live our own lives.
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Old 02-10-2012, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
10,162 posts, read 20,701,071 times
Reputation: 19853
There's nothing can do for her. Her husband should probably seek some professional advice on how to cope with her. It sounds as though they've been married long enough to know one another quite well, which means he probably knows what is going to set her off, but for whatever reason allows things to escalate rather than diffuse the situation. You'd be amazed how many arguments can be prevented if just one party swallows their pride and tries to be the bigger person. But often pride and anger get in the way and all it takes is one word to push someone's buttons and escalate the confrontation. Happens all the time.

You mentioned your son is no saint, which leaves room for equal or at least some amount of the blame. You're also only getting his side of the story and she probably feels like it's two against one and that you will automatically take his side on every issue because he's your son.

I would avoid any direct involvement. Be there to listen to your son's concerns, and hers if she ever chooses to communicate with you, but do not meddle, unless of course the children are in direct threat of harm. Overhearing or witnessing their parents argue is not a "direct threat", and the best you can do is encourage your son to consult with a professional who can possibly coach him on how to deal with her, or how to move on without her.
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Old 02-11-2012, 05:55 AM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,075,722 times
Reputation: 27047
Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
Everyone has a breaking point. Horrible behavior is not "justifiable", but sometimes people can be pushed to the point of losing their rationality for a moment. Just as your son had an anxiety attack, sometimes wives, daughter in laws and mom's can be pushed to the point of losing control for a while.

Of course, if anyone is hurt in the process, it needs to be addressed. I only caution you against overreacting and not taking a look at both sides of the story.

Another poster mentioned that when someone tells a story, they usually paint themselves in the best light. We've all seen examples of this I'm sure. Just keep that in mind when empathising with your son and "stepping in to help the children".

Whether it's an axiety attack, a nervous breakdown, or an out of control hissy fit, I believe these things are usually triggered by the "fight or flight" reflex that we are all sometimes faced with.
For some the reaction is stronger than others. This depends on each individual, their life experiences and their "nature".

If this DIL is truly a danger to your son and to your grandchildren, then by all means, support your son in getting help. If, on the other hand, she "gets ugly" when backed into a corner (literally or figuratively) then y'all need to learn to give her some space. All I am sayin' is consider all angles before jumping to conclusions.

And yeah, I am coming from the perspective of the crazy DIL. I am trying to do it in a non-defensive and non-hostile way, just so you can have a glimpse of another perspective. I hope my attempts at expressing myself without offending or jumping to conlcusions are at least somewhat successful.
Always good to have both sides on the table. But the OP is asking in relation to her son, so most of the posters will respond to that. The big factor, other than the obvious is...Is there mental health issues at play, serious mental illnes is not somethin the indiviual can control, it is a biological disorder, and true episodes can be more obvious if there is a conflict. Which leads us to the old "which came first...tha chicken or the egg" If in fact the OP knows of a diagnosis, and knows that the children are wittnessing the issues described....Than "not" stepping in is a form of neglect. The children are the priority, imo and the relationship between husband and wife secondary. If this DIL needs interventions, then that may be the next step, after the concern for children and their well being. I did not get the sense that the OP was withdrawing support from the DIL, but that She is concerned w/ the "whole" family, and doing the right thing for "whole" family. IMO she is, expressing concern is the first step. Hypotheticals are great, but dealing w/ what an OP actually writes imo is the most effective response to any poster on a public forum. Anything else may need to be analyzed with an eye towards "transference" more about the poster than the OP. Just my opinion.
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