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Update about my messed up life and dealing with a narcissistic family. My boyfriend and I recently were forced to leave our house in another state after he lost his job. The propane had run out for the 2nd time in just 2 months and we couldn't afford to pay for anything. So we packed up our things and got ready to leave for our home state where mine and his family live. We couldn't bring our dog with us as my bf's mom lives in an apartment and my mom, although she has a house and plenty of space, AND is a dog lover, refused to have our dog in "her" home. So we took our beautiful 2 year old black lab to a very nice adoption center that did background checks and everything. The local sherrif helped us find that place, which was nice. He assured us he'd look after her, which made me feel somewhat better, but it was still heartbreaking as we all had grown very attached to her, especially the kids. After we got to our home state, my bf dropped us off at his mom's house and left for our old home 2 states away, another 8 hour drive. He got about halfway when the van he was driving, our family vehicle, literally caught FIRE while driving it. (Thank the lord this didn't happen while the kids were in the car or he didn't get hurt). He described how the flames took over one side in the blink of an eye, and he actually had to jump through the flames to get out. He called the police/firefighters came and took 2 hours to put out the fire. Melted the interior, van was pretty much destroyed. Insurance didn't cover it btw. So his mom had to go get him from the police/fire station which took about 4 hours.
About a week or so later, he borrowed his mom's car, got a uhaul and finally got our stuff. The tax money we had just gotten recently was already half gone spent on gas and uhaul, groceries, storage, overdue bills, etc.
We weren't completely without a vehicle as my bf still had his little S10 truck, which he had to pay $1,000 to fix up. This took the rest of the tax money and savings we had left. Honestly I thought it was pointless to fix up the stupid thing as it only seats 2 people and we have a family of 4, 2 adults and 2 children. I thought it would have made more sense to sell that or trade it in to get a car, but he "had" to have his truck. So he had a vehicle and is able to get around. Not me. Nice. I'm a little upset, but try to be understanding due to the circumstances. I'm just getting used to bad stuff happening at this point.
Our dilemma was his mom had an apartment with a crappy school district and my mom lives in a rich area (look it up, Oak Run, Illinois and you'll see how nice of an area it is, thus proving more how incredibly selfish this woman is... we'll get to that later on in more detail...) with a decent/better school district. My bf's 2 younger brothers who are in their mid 20s live with their mom in a 2 bedroom apartment. I can't see how it would have worked out at all. Though I tried. Two male bachelors with 2 kids, me, my bf, and his mom in a 2 bedroom apartment or stay at my mom's house with nobody hardly ever there, privacy, actual yard, better school district, garage for the kids bikes, cleaner. Only drawback - my mom. You can probably guess the outcome to this all.
So I stay with my mom after begging her basically. We get along fine the first week. Then the compulsive cleaning begins. She has to have everything in it's place, or at least everyone but HER has to keep things perfect. I've been bickered at for everything under the sun here. I can't do anything right. Her precious dog is the king. Her husband is NEVER here and I can see why. Neglectful toward her own grandchildren, still. Not that I should have any reason to be surprised. I always expect her to change. Maybe the heart had grown fonder since my absence. Why in the hell would I think that possible after all she kicked me out at 17 years old.
When I was 17/18, on the DAY of my graduation, she bickered at me, trying to force me, threaten me, to go to college and I didn't want to go yet. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. She said, if you go now your father will have to keep paying child support to me. Selfish: She didn't care about me getting a good career and making something of myself, she only wanted to use me to get more child support. At age 20, I tried to go to college on my own. Student advisor told me in order to possibly get financial aid, I'd have to go off my parent's information as I was not 25 or with kids. Guess what? Selfish: I went to my mom and she absolutely REFUSED to help me in any way shape or form. AND SHE NOW DENIES THAT SHE REFUSED TO HELP ME. That would make her look bad. Typical of a narcie, am I right? I swear sometimes I find myself questioning my own sanity because of all of her antics. Seriously???!!
Ever since I've been staying with her recently, and thank god school is almost out because I'm going to get the hell out of here afterward, I walk on eggshells. It is a daily reminder of her cold and bitter attitude of the past. Still has not changed. Still the same selfish bit*ch she's always been. Still switching it around to play the victim! God forbid she admit or accept the reality that she created. Instead let's pretend nothing of the sort ever indeed happen. Let's go further and make excuses for such bad behavior when confronted with cold hard evidence. Let's call your daughter a bad mother to make yourself feel better about your horrific parenting skills. She let her dog use me as a chew toy!!! That F'n dog she had attacked me so badly one time that I had to be taken to the hospital after her usually quiet and passive husband literally had to yell at her and convince her to take me, and all the way to the hospital threatened me NOT to tell anyone there that is was our (HER) dog that did the attacking because Oh MY GOD! they'll put poor dodger to sleep. I named that dog by the way. I was never mean to that dog. She put that dog on a pedestal and it knew it was king. I remember her playing with my childhood dog as a kid more than me. I couldn't get 2 minutes of her freaking time. But the dog got it all. I needed help with groceries when it began getting tough before we lost our job. She doesn't have any money, a famous quote of hers. YET I get here and her dog has a dog bed in EVERY ROOM!!! OMG!!!!! "Can't you just have "my bf's name" 's mom lend you some money. Once again I reiterate: She lives in Oak Run. Private residential community. The houses out here are multi-million dollar homes. Granted she has one of the cheaper homes. BUT she pays a high membership fee. They have a harley, a boat, brand spanken new john deer riding 360 mower, and more. I don't even have a couch and my bed is the same one I had when I was in high school. SELFISH=HER!!
And it does not matter what I say, how much I beg, how much pain I'm in, how sweet and amazing her grandkids are. NONE of that matters to her and she will never, EVER change how she is. So now i'm homeless, without a vehicle, broke, lost my dog, and going through all the crap my mom does all over again.
My mother was a classic narcissist...and so am I. My wife knows this - so do my kids...and so do I...but I don't care..cos' I have a messianic complex the size of New York City....
And you know what else? I sometimes feel as if I'd be better off alone. Even my bf isn't supportive. I called him tonight crying about her and all he can do is yell at me about it, getting mad at me for dealing with it. Well excuse me, but it isn't easy having your only parent act like this and having to deal with it. It's easy for him to just say forget about her and move on. It's not so easy. She was all I HAD my whole life. Literally all I had. I had no friends, no life, no nothing but her until I was kicked out and met him. Maybe it's time i venture out on my own. No one but me. In the end you are all you got.
I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I need to vent and if by chance this helps anyone in anyway, the time here won't be a waste.
So I've been living with my mom for 2 months now. My bf was trying to stick it out with me here, but caved and is now staying at his mom's house because he can't stand being around my mom. Not that I blame him, I just wish when I call him crying he comfort me and be supportive rather than yell at me and tell me to grow up/get over it/you're stupid for dealing with it. I feel so alone sometimes. I get no support from him anymore and it seems like 90% of the time, I'm on my own with a lot. I take care of the kids, and yes I'm a stay at home parent. Although he works, he can still be there though. Don't get me wrong, he is a good dad, but I just think he could be a little more involved than he is. This might be just my negativity talking, from being around my mother, cuz he's a pretty good guy, and those are hard to find. Last thing I need is to sabotage my relationship because of my mom. I've been doing medical transcription school, which has been taking forever to finish, and it wasn't my first career choice, but seems as I have no vehicle, no money, no help with the kids, I needed a stay at home job choice. That will hopefully give me the freedom I need to not HAVE to depend on ANYONE EVER again.
I just got off the phone with my bf, which btw we have been together since my mom kicked me out. He was kind of my savior in a way. Though now looking back, my living situation was better because I wasn't with living with my mom anymore, but my life became a 24/7 party. For a teenager, that seemed fun at the time, but in reality it really didn't promise a bright future. Sure enough I got pregnant at 19. Quit doing drugs, smoking, partying, and became the mom I always wanted for myself. My kids are my whole world. I started having really strong anger issues with my mom due to the fact I realized how precious and amazing my kids were. How could she do what she did to me? All those years she made me feel like I was the cause of ALL our dysfunction. I STILL to this day struggle with guilt and shame that maybe it really WAS my fault. Then I re-examine everything over and over, maybe too much, to finally come to a conclusion that what transpired between us was not, in fact, normal. It was not. I repeat it to prevent myself from doubting myself. It only works half the time. I go right back to her. I can't help it. After all she's put me through, even though she denies to the death any wrongdoing on her part, even though she loves her dogs more than me, even though when I need just a little grocery money to feed her grandchildren and she refuses, and even though she called my bf and bit*ched at him that he needs to hurry up and find an apartment because she can't stand living with me anymore and told him not to tell me....
I still find a place in my heart for her. I feel bad for her. What can I do? What am I supposed to do? Leave her alone and never talk to her again? What kind of person would that make me? I have issues too and nobody is perfect. I know her mom was way more mean than she ever has been. My mom is the ignoring narcissist I guess you would call her. Could have been worse. You don't know my grandma. She is the devil compared to my mom. I know you can't blame others for your problems, but damn it I can't help but have strong anger, bitterness, and hatred for my grandma for ruining my chances of having a good relationship with my mom. My mom's issues are denial, excuses for everything, lies, and selfishness. She denies everything bad she's ever done, although she did admit recently for the first time ever that she does deny. (progress) I have figured out that she makes up excuses for her bad behavior, which by doing so, I believe this enables to her continue doing the bad behavior.
Dr. Phil once said (about the kanye west taylor swift fiasco... just and ex.) that the behavior is bad, but that doesn't make the person bad. Maybe they exhibit bad behaviors, but maybe the reason is because they don't know any better, don't know how to change, or don't have the willpower to change. I feel as if by shutting my mom out completely, or giving up on her so to speak, that it only makes things worse for everyone. I don't want to judge her to harshly because what if I was in her situation. Her mom was evil, her dad was away in the navy all her childhood, when he finally came back he had a heart attack and died, her mother wouldn't even hug her after the funeral and pushed her away, which my mom reflects about a lot. Not that these are excuses, but they have something to do with it obviously. There are times when she is a great mom. I have a hard time deciphering if it's genuine or not because of trust issues. It's like though that the real her is trying to come out. Reminds me of the song "true colors"...
Maybe we are reincarnated and live many lives to learn as much as we can to improve our souls as much as possible. So far in this life I've found that the most important and only worthwhile thing in existence is love. Love is all that matters in the end. Not stuff, not where you live, not your career. It's love. Family is where love begins and I feel as if mine is broken. Maybe I am supposed to fix it? or maybe just loving unconditionally and letting go of anger is the real lesson, because it can't be 'fixed.' I think I know what the right thing to do is, just saying it is a lot easier than doing it. I know my main problem is my anger. Maybe I should try to love her regardless of how she treats me to show her that unconditional love is possible. I don't know.
Well that's all I got for now. Maybe I need to start a blog, or write a book? Lol.
Dr. Phil once said (about the kanye west taylor swift fiasco... just and ex.) that the behavior is bad, but that doesn't make the person bad. Maybe they exhibit bad behaviors, but maybe the reason is because they don't know any better, don't know how to change, or don't have the willpower to change. I feel as if by shutting my mom out completely, or giving up on her so to speak, that it only makes things worse for everyone.
I do believe no one is bad at heart; only to be shaped as to who they are especially growing up. It's amazing what our childhood can do to our thinking as an adult. No one is perfect in that sense. No one. If someone think they're normal, then they're lying to themselves. The whole world is not perfect and aside from our childhood experiences, we see and learn to grow up in a most skewed way possible.
Narcissistic behavior is scary but nothing is scarier than sociopath or psychopaths. I think it's often misunderstood and even abused but my MIL is a complete sociopath. People like her though can only be fixed by themselves. And I hate to say it but just because they are your family doesn't need you need to put up with them. If they have no empathy or out to ruin your family's emotional and even physical well being then cut them loose.
And you know what else? I sometimes feel as if I'd be better off alone. Even my bf isn't supportive. I called him tonight crying about her and all he can do is yell at me about it, getting mad at me for dealing with it. Well excuse me, but it isn't easy having your only parent act like this and having to deal with it. It's easy for him to just say forget about her and move on. It's not so easy. She was all I HAD my whole life. Literally all I had. I had no friends, no life, no nothing but her until I was kicked out and met him. Maybe it's time i venture out on my own. No one but me. In the end you are all you got.
K now I'm out.
One of my daughters has natural ability. She is much like me...she will not take instruction. She is a great singer- but not the best...my experience is ignored by her. She is arrogant to a fault, If she listened to old me- she would not be a good singer but a great singer. If your parent is wise...reading your retort- don't give up.
Don't give in - you do have a life- keep loving- don't lower yourself to that. There are good woman in this world- move forward.
One of my daughters has natural ability. She is much like me...she will not take instruction. She is a great singer- but not the best...my experience is ignored by her. She is arrogant to a fault, If she listened to old me- she would not be a good singer but a great singer. If your parent is wise...reading your retort- don't give up.
Don't give in - you do have a life- keep loving- don't lower yourself to that. There are good woman in this world- move forward.
My mother was a malicious narcissistic person. Half a century later I still have issues from dealing with her. Frankly, I'm glad she's gone now.
Shame we don't get to choose our families, particularly our parents.
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