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Unread 02-24-2012, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
1,891 posts, read 1,261,573 times
Reputation: 1969
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistygrl092 View Post
Now she is very old so I get the I love you's but I also get (and got just last night) the same routine that her feelings were hurt so she couldn't talk to me and we'd talk later. Well, there *are* some things more important in life than her feelings.

I've spent my entire life protecting that woman from the things I do, have done, and what I've experienced so as to not upset her. To this day I'm still convinced if I do the wrong thing I'm going to be the cause of her death.

I don't know if this makes her a narcissist but it sure makes her a mom who has never really been there for me.
I can certainly relate to this!!!! Here I am thinking of introducing my girlfriend to her. Please, someone, talk me out of it! I must be insane.
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Unread 02-24-2012, 02:55 PM
 
Location: Deane Hill, Knoxville, Tennessee
21,432 posts, read 28,125,679 times
Reputation: 11411
Don't do it, AtlantaGuy!!!!!

My mother lives about 900 miles away and my father about 600 miles away. Maybe a little more for both. I haven't lived near either of them in about 17 years. Not that it made much of a difference. We mostly dealt with each other by phone, even then.

I can relate to you, Misty. I try to call my mother often. I use to call her everyday but a narcissist will take advantage of that situation and quickly. I try to check on her since she's older and has some health issues but I still have to keep my distance or else she will start up again. She's mellowed over the years but I don't think age has anything to do with it. Well, not as it relates to personality changes. I went for about four or five years of not talking to her at all and she realized that since I am her only child that I will play a part in her life as she gets older. Well, that was her original thinking. Now she's decided that she is just going to go into a nursing home of her choosing when she needs to. Her loss and probably for the best. But once she made that decision she didn't hesitate to get abusive again. And she is 77. My husband recently abandoned myself and my daughter and she wanted nothing to do with us.

But we'll get through it and she will die alone. There will always be that.

To the snarky guy, no one here is falling apart because our parents were mentally ill. Not really. We are all still here and surviving. In fact I have a survival story of epic proportions. But recognizing our parents mental illness and learning how to better cope with it is a sign of survivors. Sharing our stories is also a positive step. I only see survivors; strong, tough people that were raised in horrific conditions and came out the other side as better people in this thread.
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Unread 02-24-2012, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Deane Hill, Knoxville, Tennessee
21,432 posts, read 28,125,679 times
Reputation: 11411
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I can certainly relate to this!!!! Here I am thinking of introducing my girlfriend to her. Please, someone, talk me out of it! I must be insane.
You know, I was trying to be funny but the more I think about this, the more I think this could be a horrible idea unless you understand some things going into it.

About 3 or so years ago it dawned on me that whomever my mother liked turned out to be a bad bet. I figured out awhile ago that she is a bad judge of character. However, some things came to light over the past few years and I could not deny that my mother sabotages me. She has done some pretty horrific things behind my back and said some terrible things about me to people, including my children. I now think that she may have encouraged me to have relationships with people that were not good for me. I also realize that several key decisions in my life, if I followed my mother's advice they turned out to be disastrous. When I started making my own decisions things had a MUCH better outcome.

So you may end up introducing your new girlfriend and then wondering if she likes her or doesn't what does it mean. Narcissist parents can drive you nuts if you let them and it is darn easy to do!
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Unread 02-25-2012, 02:55 AM
 
3,652 posts, read 1,523,804 times
Reputation: 4466
Quote:
Originally Posted by Currency Pair Crocodile View Post
You probably didn't read some responses which imply how the parent's treatment has explicitly stunted their future growth.

Nothing superior. A grown adult needs to "stop" blaming parents for personal failures. Ownership to one's own life and life's problems is largely absent in the adults of today.
Ya know, I really don't see why you post in this forum anyway. You don't believe that mental illness exist and loathe the idea of therapy.
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Unread 02-25-2012, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,641 posts, read 4,272,281 times
Reputation: 18505
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I can certainly relate to this!!!! Here I am thinking of introducing my girlfriend to her. Please, someone, talk me out of it! I must be insane.
I think you should introduce her to your mother. You should obviously let her know what your mom is like before hand, but still you should allow her to meet her herself. May I suggest that you both have an "escape plan" in place, should things start heading south?

When someone has something in their past to hide, or they have issues in their life that they'd rather not have come up, they will frequently avoid letting their "significant other" meet their family. If you're serious about this gal, do you want to risk having her wonder what's wrong with you? You might be better off letting her meet your mother so that she knows that you're an open book.

It really is awful having screwed up parents, it hurts. I believe there is one good thing about surviving them though, you see, if we trust our instincts, we're more prepared to spot these traits in people whom we CHOOSE to allow into our lives. It also should also show us how to be better parents to our own children.....AND to be able to spot those traits in our own offspring! IMHO and experience, distancing ourselves from them is the way to go. If you can't distance yourself physically, at least you can prepare yourself mentally and put up that safety wall, beFORE you have to interact with them. I mean, at least you KNOW what to expect, right? You know what to talk about, what not to talk about, what to reveal about what's going on in your life and what to avoid. They are what they are. Sadly, sometimes they are what they are, because they don't have the strength to be any other way...and that's sad.

Years ago, I simply decided that I'd always have a ready escape plan. I didn't want to have feelings of anger toward my parents, so I simply always devised a plan in my head before an encounter, which would allow me a speedy exit, whether in person or over the phone. When things started heading south, if I couldn't change the subject, I always had something I needed to get to, I had forgotten, or someone was at the door. It's better to tell a little lie than say, "OMG, I can't believe you're such an a$$hole!!"

Last edited by beachmel; 02-25-2012 at 08:01 AM..
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Unread 02-25-2012, 12:10 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
12,001 posts, read 10,561,961 times
Reputation: 13340
Quote:
Originally Posted by Currency Pair Crocodile View Post
You probably didn't read some responses which imply how the parent's treatment has explicitly stunted their future growth.

Nothing superior. A grown adult needs to "stop" blaming parents for personal failures. Ownership to one's own life and life's problems is largely absent in the adults of today.


It does influence and change who you are and the choices you make. Thats all I'm say'n.
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Unread 02-25-2012, 12:20 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
12,001 posts, read 10,561,961 times
Reputation: 13340
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
My Mom may or may not be a narcissist, I'm still trying to figure that out. But I do know she did a lot of damage to me growing up. She was overly critical and nothing I ever did was good enough. Fast forward a couple of decades, and this explains my communication issues with women. It wasn't safe to express myself in my house growing up. My Mother would constantly scream and discount how I was feeling.Ultimately, not knowing how to communicate as an adult cost me my marriage 3 years ago. I've worked my tail off to make sure that never happens again, and am with an incredible woman now. But its taken 43 years to get past the damage my mother caused.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I can certainly relate to this!!!! Here I am thinking of introducing my girlfriend to her. Please, someone, talk me out of it! I must be insane.
I do understand how your relationship with parents influence your future relationships. Now that you recognize that, you can change it.

Whether to introduce her to your mother is a personal choice.

You're not the child anymore and she has no control over you or your life, that you don't allow.

Mentally untangle from her web, who cares what she thinks and says.

Last edited by virgode; 02-25-2012 at 12:57 PM..
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Unread 02-26-2012, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Deane Hill, Knoxville, Tennessee
21,432 posts, read 28,125,679 times
Reputation: 11411
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post

Mentally untangle from her web, who cares what she thinks and says.
That's the way I feel, too. Continuing to interact with people that mean to do you harm cannot be healthy. The only reason I even check in with my mother to see if she is okay is for MY peace of mind. Not hers. She starts in and I stop her in her tracks.

It's amazing because narcissists are all about self-preservation. If they know they will be shutdown and possibly told off they will always stop short of that. Escape plans and white lies rather than telling them off is exactly what they love. They get off on it. If you no longer allow this behavior they will stop. If you can't handle that, avoid them. Otherwise you are a masochist.

I learned a long time ago that no matter the situation if we continue to keep it the way it is we are deriving something out of it, no matter how bad or twisted.
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Unread 03-01-2012, 10:21 AM
 
5,064 posts, read 2,526,234 times
Reputation: 4884
Alcoholic mother who acts pretty narcissistic. Yes, me and my brother were triangulated against each other and aren't close. Everything to this day revolves around her. It's really comical and sad at the same time how detached from the real world my mother is and how minor problems mean the end of the world. I love my mother dearly.

This may sound crazy but I think my mom changed the family roles whenever it suited her, raising us. I know one thing; my mother has berated me for years over minor mistakes I've made while my brother has gone through ten vehicles in his short time driving and racking up major debt(which she cosigned for) and he could literally do little wrong for a long time. I think now she's starting to see the way he has become since. He just filed bankruptcy, leaving stuff she cosigned for in her name and she was fuming. Don't get me wrong I love my brother but...yeah.
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Unread 03-01-2012, 11:53 AM
 
51 posts, read 43,866 times
Reputation: 84
Has anyone read this piece about narcissistic mothers? It's from

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

I'm new to the forum and wasn't sure if I should post the whole thing because it is incredibly long. I found this a few years ago when I was trying to figure out what my adoptive mother's problem was. I read this, and it was like all of the air was sucked out of my body and then used to slap me in the face. Holy crap. It described her perfectly.
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