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Old 02-22-2012, 04:34 PM
 
308 posts, read 589,293 times
Reputation: 199
Default Anyone else raised by very narcissistic parents?

I posted on here before about my relationship with my mother in a little more detail if you want to check it out. I think I've been dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder or something like it. I was wondering if anyone has experience being raised by such a person and would like to share their story?

In my particular situation, it seems that this is a recurring pattern that passed on down through the family. My mother, for example, I know had to deal with what is referred to as triangularity or some term like it where the parent will choose a "golden child" and a "scapegoat". The golden child gets everything, while the scapegoat gets nothing. My mom was the scapegoat. My grandma is most likely defined as the malicious narcissistic. She is more deliberate with her abuse. The knowledge that there may be reason for the way my mom acts is sort of comforting, but still painful to deal. Don't want to confuse people with this psychology stuff, it's quite confusing, but crazily enough I get it since I lived it. The link below may help you make more sense of things and be able to put in words better. It helped me so I wanted to share it.

So if you lived something similar and would like to share, please feel free. Maybe we can find some sort of comfort in knowing we aren't the only ones.


To understand some of the terms I used, or if you are interested, check out the website below for a better understanding of what I'm talking about. This website best described what I have dealt with all my life.

Mothers with narcissistic personality disorder - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Ka-nah-da
254 posts, read 251,591 times
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My mom and I have had a rocky relationship basically from the time I was born. I am an only child and as much as I would have loved a sibling, I thank God almighty that no other child had to go through the emotional torment that I went through. I have been reading through the link you provided and see a lot of my mom in this, she has never been diagnosed with anything, but has said she's seen a councellor, but has never wanted to discuss it, instead she goes on to say "I know what happened to me to make me the way I am."
I have two kids now and put up with a lot of verbal abuse from her when I was pregnant, unfortunately I had to end the relationship last year because of these instances continuing. I feel terrible sometimes b/c my husband's family is great, but they are half way around the world and visits are rare. I also have two friends who have lost their moms and this makes my guilt even worse, I think if I didn't have my kids I might put up with the negativity I get from her, but with my children I can't let them be around that.....
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,122,276 times
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I never really considered it. I ceased communication with that woman a long time ago. She was toxic for as long as I can remember and would tell me how awful my dad was after they divorced and would then tell me that I was just like him. She remarried a few years later, to the man she cheated on my dad with. They had 2 kids together, both of whom were given every advantage and were pushed to stay on at school, while I was allowed to drift and was told that I wasn't smart enough in not so many words. In the end, that marriage ended in bitter divorce, which her ex blamed on me.

Fast forward many years...we fell out, my younger brothers are obviously successful, but are both narcissists, one is a typical yuppie. I severed ties with all of them, mainly just with her. I tried the forgiveness thing, but that didn't work out. The more contact I had with her, the more the demons would plague me. I don't really feel bad about it. She would never admit to any wrongdoing or offer any explanation, but would just try to convince me that I was imagining it all and had the same upbringing as brat 1 & brat 2. I had to cut ties to save my own sanity and to close that chapter of my life.

Enough of that anyway, just thought I'd share. I've never really thought of my mother as narcissistic, but looking back, it makes a lot of sense.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:28 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
11,995 posts, read 11,328,821 times
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Narcissism and alcoholism. I was a scapegoat. But, when the scapegoats are no longer present, they find replacements. Its malicious and borderline evil.

Eventually everyone was engulfed in the flames and the family unit divided.

Last edited by virgode; 02-23-2012 at 11:43 AM..
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:42 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
11,995 posts, read 11,328,821 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwifruit2 View Post
In my particular situation, it seems that this is a recurring pattern that passed on down through the family.

My mother, for example, I know had to deal with what is referred to as triangularity or some term like it where the parent will choose a "golden child" and a "scapegoat". The golden child gets everything, while the scapegoat gets nothing.
Narcissists thrive on triangular relationships and division.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:14 PM
 
308 posts, read 589,293 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
Narcissists thrive on triangular relationships and division.
I definitely agree with this statement. My grandmother made my mom look like an angel. My mom isn't as bad as her, I will say. Mine is more the ignoring kind as opposed to malicious. My grandmother on the other hand favored my aunt over my mom and it continues still. She is just plain vicious, and I blame her for how my mom is.

I was an only child but did have step siblings. What I couldn't stand was the fake persona she used to play around them and her husband. I will admit now it seems as though she isn't as bad as she used to be and I will say that mine is probably a mild case compared with others who've posted. My mom did say she loved me a lot. It's as if she really didn't know how to be a normal person, and as she struggled, so have I struggled with what's considered "normal." I didn't have a dad, either. So I had no other role model but my mom, my aunt, and my grandmother. A few years ago, at one measly attempt to be a "family" for Christmas, I mustered up the tolerance to visit my grandmother's house. The tension was so bad you could cut it with a knife. My aunt has major problems of her own apparently with my mom and me of course since I'm her daughter, and I got into an actual physical altercation with her. My own aunt attacked me on Christmas Eve. My grandmother held the door open for my Uncle to physically throw myself and my mother out of her home. It was at this moment I actually felt compassion and understanding for why my mom is how she is. Unbelievably my mom went BACK over to her home and against everyone telling her to let them go, she went over again and again. Just to come home crying again and again. It's all crazy mind messing games.

My grandmother played that triangle game big time with my mom and her sister. When my aunt moved away, then my mom got more attention and became her narcissistic supply because my aunt was out of the picture. It's disgusting, evil, and so incredibly selfish. I did not fully understand any of it until I grew up. That's when the wake up call comes and I realized the truth about how the dynamics work in this messed up family. Talk about some mind games. What's ironic is my mom's the scapegoat, yet she married a nice man who treats her very well, her sister married an *******. Mom has a nice house in a private residential community, her sister rents an apartment.

to be cont.
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Old 02-23-2012, 12:36 PM
 
Location: where people are either too stupid to leave or too stuck to move
3,999 posts, read 2,313,498 times
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i dunno if i would call it narcissism or her just being a b*tch.. she blames pretty much everything on me.. her failure, her in ability to go to law school or to buy a bmw car.. or everytime she does something wrong its somehow my fault. she basically tells me my whole existence is a mistake indirectly or how much a burden i am for being around ... she tells me how weak i am but how great she is , and how she wish i was more like her beacuse she is so good at everything . .and how much she is a failure because im a failing daughter (even though i dont steal lie or cheat or kill or do drugs and went to college and etc) .. everyday of the day.. so idk
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:10 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
11,995 posts, read 11,328,821 times
Reputation: 13353
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwifruit2 View Post
I definitely agree with this statement. My grandmother made my mom look like an angel. My mom isn't as bad as her, I will say. Mine is more the ignoring kind as opposed to malicious. My grandmother on the other hand favored my aunt over my mom and it continues still. She is just plain vicious, and I blame her for how my mom is.

I was an only child but did have step siblings. What I couldn't stand was the fake persona she used to play around them and her husband. I will admit now it seems as though she isn't as bad as she used to be and I will say that mine is probably a mild case compared with others who've posted. My mom did say she loved me a lot. It's as if she really didn't know how to be a normal person, and as she struggled, so have I struggled with what's considered "normal." I didn't have a dad, either. So I had no other role model but my mom, my aunt, and my grandmother. A few years ago, at one measly attempt to be a "family" for Christmas, I mustered up the tolerance to visit my grandmother's house. The tension was so bad you could cut it with a knife. My aunt has major problems of her own apparently with my mom and me of course since I'm her daughter, and I got into an actual physical altercation with her. My own aunt attacked me on Christmas Eve. My grandmother held the door open for my Uncle to physically throw myself and my mother out of her home. It was at this moment I actually felt compassion and understanding for why my mom is how she is. Unbelievably my mom went BACK over to her home and against everyone telling her to let them go, she went over again and again. Just to come home crying again and again. It's all crazy mind messing games.

My grandmother played that triangle game big time with my mom and her sister. When my aunt moved away, then my mom got more attention and became her narcissistic supply because my aunt was out of the picture. It's disgusting, evil, and so incredibly selfish. I did not fully understand any of it until I grew up. That's when the wake up call comes and I realized the truth about how the dynamics work in this messed up family. Talk about some mind games. What's ironic is my mom's the scapegoat, yet she married a nice man who treats her very well, her sister married an *******. Mom has a nice house in a private residential community, her sister rents an apartment.

to be cont.
Ignoring has malicious intent. They are fully aware of what they're doing and the effects its having.

I had a good father, but the lights were on and no one was home. Thats how he coped and he escaped into alcohol too.

My mother swung back and forth between pretending I didn't exist and criticism. Alcohol played a big part as well.

As a kid I knew something wasn't right, but still tried to get her approval and acceptance. I went on to partner with similar personalities and it wasn't until my relationship with an obsessive sociopathic type, needing the refuge of womens shelters and recieved education that I began to understand the dynamic at work.
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Old 02-23-2012, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Deane Hill, Knoxville, Tennessee
21,595 posts, read 29,615,620 times
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We've had a few narcissist threads on the forum, it comes up a lot.

My mother and father are narcissists. Needless to say they are no longer married to each other but I was there until the state took me out of the home. I think he was groomed her to be as narcissistic as him, in many ways. She was very impressionable, probably already mentally ill and just picked up even more pointers from him. He also did not like her paying an attention to me. He said he was to come first in the home, then her, then me.

I've found over the years that narcissists have a pattern. They can be very nice when they want to be, to lure you into the web. Then when they have you firmly in place they strike. I have spent all of my 50 years trying to tolerate, ignore, then come back for more. It's a horrible vicious cycle. I at least now know it for what it is and distance myself a LOT. If I even think one of them is setting me up, I'm gone. I barely deal with my father now, anyway. Last time he was here was last summer and I really put my foot down when he had a 2-year-old tantrum. Both are in their 70s and I'm here to tell you that they never change.
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Old 02-23-2012, 04:33 PM
 
663 posts, read 431,255 times
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I suspect my mother is a narcissist and I was "raised" by her, parents divorced when I was only three. Truth be told, I was really raised by my mother's parents, just not officially. I was never removed from my mother's home or anything like that. I should have been and by a certain age I would have paid someone to take me out of there.

I'm now in my 40's and mom is in her 60's. Thankfully she lives 2500+ miles away from me. I'm hoping that never changes unless she increases the distance between us. She's on her 4th husband and she typically picks people who have self-esteem issues, people she can push around (big surprise, I know ). She's currently in the process of working this 4th husband over to suit whatever her current needs are.

My mother truly has no regard for anyone else and the older she gets, it's becoming more obvious and I think she realizes it, and thinks it's funny. I think she believes she deserves to put herself first since she worked so many years and had to put others first (funny, I missed that part), so now she's number one. I told her that it's no revelation, she's always been number one in her own mind.....why stop now.

I have three kids, her grandkids, she never speaks to them at all and hasn't in years. Two of my kids are grown and my youngest is just about. I never hear from her unless I instigate the communication, which is rare. I've pretty much written her off but I will tolerate her emails as long as she doesn't act too "out there" or mean. I haven't spoken to her via phone since 2007 and have only seen her twice since 2008. Works for me. I could have gone without those two visits but neither were very long, less than a day.

The only times in my life where my mom put me first (during childhood, when being put first would be expected) was when she was without a man, also a rare occurrence. Then I had to endure her sob stories and tales of woe about whichever "no good" left this time. When her third husband cheated on and left her in 2005 I was in my mid-30s. She tried to glom onto me then but I wouldn't allow it. She only wants a relationship with me when she's run out of options with others. I refuse to be my mother's back-up plan .

I don't know what a person can do with a narcissistic parent. I keep my mom at a distance emotionally. If being totally estranged happened, it wouldn't bother me. If she lived closer to me it would have happened by now. Some people find it necessary to cut the n-parent off totally.....I can see the value in this and would do so if I had to. I certainly would not blame a person for doing so. Narcissists never change and from what I've seen, they get worse the older they get .
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