Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-25-2012, 07:16 PM
 
2,547 posts, read 4,218,516 times
Reputation: 5612

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by lubby View Post
My mom has been like this for years and still continues to try and please everyone. She is not the problem though and likes to keep peace and harmony in the family. No matter what she does no one but myself and my DH seem to appreciate her. My brother and his wife don't seem to be as grateful. She'll send them care packages with homemade breads, cakes, cookies and it sometimes goes unaknowledged for days or it's just a quick "Thanks".when my nephew was born last July my mom went above and beyond for them, buying clothes for the baby. We went to stay with them for a week and she even treated to dinner one night and instead of saying "gee mom thanks" all she got was "you didn't have to pay for dinner we do have money you know". Or they will say things like "why did you do that"?if sends a gift instead of saying Thank you. Same with her co-workers, if it's someone in her department's birthday she likes to make a fuss and bring in cookies or a cake and it goes unappreciated. I finally told her to stop trying to please everyone becasue it doesn't matter to them.
Wow, this post kind of made me feel bad because my mother-in-law is like that - and we do tell her similar things like 'you didn't have to do that' - but always along with ample thanks first though. She's always giving us stuff, whenever she comes over she's always laden with food and gifts for us and DS (she used to live 30 mins away and came over every couple weeks), and whenever we went over she'd make those ginormous expensive dinners. Personally, we would have both preferred that she doesn't go to those extents. It just TOO much, over the top, and it makes us feel stressed out and also sort of guilty that she's spending so much time and effort and money on us when she could've, for example, just relaxed on the weekend and just ordered some takeout when we come over instead of shopping and cooking the whole day. It also sort of gives off the impression that she still thinks of us as kids who would starve to death without her - it's probably not what she actually thinks, but I can't help but feel uncomfortable with so much 'giving' on her part. We've told her numerous times to not make so much of a fuss but she ignores it. It's like 'killing with kindness'.

Also, the funny thing is that I'm also sort of the same way myself - and I prefer and feel more comfortable being on the 'giving' side myself as opposed to being showered with gifts and attention. So this makes it less comfortable for me to be around someone like her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-25-2012, 07:46 PM
ino
 
Location: Way beyond the black stump.
680 posts, read 2,494,801 times
Reputation: 1051
When my mother in law was alive she always tried to repay me in some way for fixing things around her house. I used to tell her, that is who I am, and in the end I told her if she ever tried to give me something in return, I would stop fixing things up for her. I did it cos I wanted to do it, and not for any other reason. Good grief, if I can't help someone, who or what the heck am I?

She also tried to please everyone, if she couldn't do that, she would sit on the fence and be non committal. That's no way to live a life, just be who you are and stuff the rest. Pleasing, or trying to please everyone else does nothing for you at the end of the day. My philosophy is "People take me as I am, or they don't take me at all", it matters little to me, we are all going to be pushing up daisies eventually so why tie oneself up with needless stress or whatever. We ain't here to win any popularity contest, we're here to live our lives to the best of our ability,and care for those we care about.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-27-2012, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Central US
202 posts, read 472,127 times
Reputation: 368
I guess my main problem is I try not to want anything in return for what I do for people, but I feel disrespected when I don't get even a thanks. I know it makes no sence but I don't want a thanks but feel disrespect if none comes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-27-2012, 11:57 PM
 
5,697 posts, read 19,106,058 times
Reputation: 8699
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
1717Guy,

The comment Charles made sounds caulous, but theres some truth there.

Although, can be a good thing in certain professions.
Its probably the result of the primordial relationship and you're still trying to please.

Codependency.
The book Codependency No More is an awesome book. OP it might be beneficial to read it. If you are stuck spending too much time trying to please others, this book will show you why you do it and how to stop.

And to answer your question. Yes I have been there, done that. Sometimes I slip up and fall back into the pattern.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Islip,NY
20,890 posts, read 28,275,803 times
Reputation: 24834
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
Wow, this post kind of made me feel bad because my mother-in-law is like that - and we do tell her similar things like 'you didn't have to do that' - but always along with ample thanks first though. She's always giving us stuff, whenever she comes over she's always laden with food and gifts for us and DS (she used to live 30 mins away and came over every couple weeks), and whenever we went over she'd make those ginormous expensive dinners. Personally, we would have both preferred that she doesn't go to those extents. It just TOO much, over the top, and it makes us feel stressed out and also sort of guilty that she's spending so much time and effort and money on us when she could've, for example, just relaxed on the weekend and just ordered some takeout when we come over instead of shopping and cooking the whole day. It also sort of gives off the impression that she still thinks of us as kids who would starve to death without her - it's probably not what she actually thinks, but I can't help but feel uncomfortable with so much 'giving' on her part. We've told her numerous times to not make so much of a fuss but she ignores it. It's like 'killing with kindness'.

Also, the funny thing is that I'm also sort of the same way myself - and I prefer and feel more comfortable being on the 'giving' side myself as opposed to being showered with gifts and attention. So this makes it less comfortable for me to be around someone like her.
Don't feel bad. I have decided that if my mom wants to do this for us let her. We do tell her it's not necessary and that we appreciate it. With my brother and SIL it's different it's almost as if they don't care what she does for them.She never got a thank you card for gifts she bought the baby when he was born.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,702,087 times
Reputation: 19540
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1717Guy View Post
I guess my main problem is I try not to want anything in return for what I do for people, but I feel disrespected when I don't get even a thanks. I know it makes no sence but I don't want a thanks but feel disrespect if none comes.
NO! It makes perfect sense 1717Guy! It is plain and simple good manners, for someone to thank you when you've done something for someone. I don't think there's a darn thing wrong with "expecting" a thank you. When someone does something nice for me, I EXPECT myself to have enough manners to thank them.

People who don't have enough manners to thank you, when you go out of your way to do something nice for them, probably don't deserve your kindness. Again, it's a matter of respect and having manners. Generally, when I do something nice for someone, all I expect is a thank you....that's getting their gratitude, that's them....showing me, that they respected my efforts or deeds. It's a matter of being acknowledged for going out of your way to do something for someone.

What doesn't make sense to me is that you would say, "I don't WANT a thanks, but feel disrespect if none comes." You DO want thanks or you wouldn't feel disrespected when you don't get it. Okay, I'm wrong. LOL It does make sense and I do get it. You don't do something for the sole purpose of getting a thank you....but you feel like you're being disrespected when you DON'T get a thank you. I think that's perfectly normal....truly, I do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,702,087 times
Reputation: 19540
Quote:
Originally Posted by lubby View Post
Don't feel bad. I have decided that if my mom wants to do this for us let her. We do tell her it's not necessary and that we appreciate it. With my brother and SIL it's different it's almost as if they don't care what she does for them.She never got a thank you card for gifts she bought the baby when he was born.
I can't help but wonder if it's just the state of our society....something that's getting increasingly worse. If someone does something for others, they're seen as "grooming" them for the future. Sometimes people just LIKE to do things for others, because they feel it's the "right" thing to do...because it's what was done for them or because it's what they WOULD have liked others to do for them. It's a matter of thinking of others.....being there for each other. Thank yous are essential. Sometimes I wonder just how in the world some people become so very ungrateful and rude. Where did the manners go!?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,276 posts, read 84,257,762 times
Reputation: 114616
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
The book Codependency No More is an awesome book. OP it might be beneficial to read it. If you are stuck spending too much time trying to please others, this book will show you why you do it and how to stop.

And to answer your question. Yes I have been there, done that. Sometimes I slip up and fall back into the pattern.
Ding ding ding. Yes, there is a difference between codependency and doing things for people because you enjoy doing them.

I too sometimes slip up. I have to be careful.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 08:20 AM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,093,306 times
Reputation: 62664
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1717Guy View Post
Does anyone else feel this way?

Nope, quit doing that when I was about 6 years old. Works out great living my life the way I want and taking responsibility for my own actions and the consequences that come with those actions.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 08:27 AM
 
105 posts, read 202,304 times
Reputation: 189
I hate people who try to please everyone by acting extra nice and all and end up irritating everyone. There is a fine line between being nice, caring etc and trying to please being annoyingly-nice. There is a saying in my language - "Those who try to please everyone end up pleasing no one". Of course, not everybody has that view, but I do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top