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Old 03-07-2012, 09:46 AM
 
37 posts, read 210,925 times
Reputation: 98

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ever hear of a mental health term called splitting ?
my mom died 2 weeks ago. so many layers regarding her death.my mother didn't raise me. i was abused by her then boyfriend sexually, emotionally and every which way. I was sent to live with my grandmother when i was 5. my mother stayed with this man until i was 10. she moved out of that house with him. yet never came to get me. my grandma raised me.

when my grandmother died, 20 years later my mom and i mended fences. we spent time together & traveled. things were great !!! we were so happy to be connected. Then we had a falling out involving one of my sisters. one of the reasons i didn't contact my mom for a while, was because my oldest sister always kept the shi@t going. there Were moments i was going to call my mom during this time. she would say "why! look at what she did to you as a child! she treats them ( my other sisters)better than you and me! "She doesn't care about us !!!" stupid me listened to her. when i moved back to the area my sister would get angry at me for letting go of the past. "you should never forget what she did! don't go see her" i would give my mom gifts, she would say "why! she would never do that for you, but she will our other sisters!" then i found out MY SISTER was giving my mom gifts and spending time with her !!! even though she never wanted me to !!!

??????????????????????????

i did not find out until days ago that my sister was doing this ALSO to my mom. telling her "don't call her! she doesn't care about you! don't go see her . she doesn't love you or she would call first!". my mom also retracted and didn't contact me. both of us foolishly listening to my sister. i made comments and my mom would too. now i find out she told my mom what i said and told me what my mom said! things like " "i don't know why she changed". my sister just kept the flames going. when she was the person who brought about the distance between me and mom.

at one point i sent my mom some clothes. my sister begged me not to saying "! she will only give them to the other sisters". then told me my mom gave them all away to my other sisters. and never wore them. just gave the bag away. that hurt me. i then didn't speak to my mom for weeks, becasue whe she said she didn't give them away. i thought my mom was lying!!!! . i saw photos of my mom, after she died, wearing most of the clothes i sent, in various photos. I was so stunned i couldn't breathe!!! SHE NEVER GOT RID OF THEM !!! my sister had LIED !!!

my sister was also abused by my mom's boyfriend. yet stayed with my mom. i thought all these years my sister was okay. because she had a great job she held on to. didn't suffer from depression as i do. although i seem to stay positive she is always negative. i am starting think my sister has serious mental health issues as WELL !!! i have been in therapy for a while. my sister calls ME crazy becasue i am in therapy. but my therapist says- what my sister does is called "SPLITTING"

it's when you put a wedge between 2 people . keep them apart. saying they both are bad to the other. yet YOU spend time with them separately and come out smelling like a rose.

i feel so much guilt. i am a grown woman. i could have made my own decisions. my mother died 2 weeks ago. probably thinking i didn't love her. Just as i thought of her.

my friends AND some family, say i was brainwashed. yet i feel so bad. i hurt my mom listening to someone who is clearly emotionally unavaialbe, cold and calculating!

have you ever had this happen ???

so sad.

btw. may SOUND harsh. but i never want to have anythying to do with this sister. day my mom died. she was supposed to call me to Tell me my mom was in the hospital on her death bed and NEVER called me ! refusing.saying later, well i wanted to see if she got worse, when she knew then she had a stroke and wasn't breathing properly. thank god my nephew called me. 3 hours later !!! my sister told me later "well look at how she treats us and treats them . see how i took my time to get to the hospital.you should have too !" such a control freak! i see it clearly now. becasue my sister showed up about 5 hours later. never shed a tear!she wanted me to do that too! i feel she was playing god. i should have had the right to choose to go or not go. she robbed me of that. to me that was unforgivable!

Last edited by Rainbow Connection; 03-07-2012 at 09:48 AM.. Reason: forgot to mention..
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Old 03-07-2012, 03:13 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
2,190 posts, read 6,277,140 times
Reputation: 2053
I don't know about labels such as "splitting" but i certainly know what betrayal is and that's the essence of what your sister has done. She has betrayed you ... big time.
And if what you're saying is accurate / objective she seems like one troubled person who has used both you and your mom to feel some sense of power. Very sick!
I imagine that jealousy got the better of her too.
Also, because she is perhaps more skillful at dealing with the world (like she has a good job, etc.) it's easy for her to point the finger at you. You become the "identified sick one".
But it is you who's in the process of healing. Good for you.
Isn't it amazing how troubled and destructive people can be?
Just stay on your path of healing and avoid people (including family members) who don't support you in that process.
I'm sorry that you lost your mom and that your sister interfered with the reestablished relationship.
I don't know what happens to people when they die but i don't need to know. You can "talk" to your mom now.
You could write her something like a love letter expressing all of your feelings ... both the bad and the good.
You can express anything and everything knowing that, in her heart of hearts, even though she failed you when you were young and wasn't able to properly care for and protect you, she loved you and that love can hear anything that you need to express.
It's not your fault (and i bet i'm right in saying that your mother would agree) that your sister manipulated you.
Don't beat yourself up for that. People can be treacherous!
Thanks for sharing what you did.
I rarely read long posts but i did, for some reason, read yours and i appreciated it very much.
Sorry that you had such a lousy childhood. I did too.
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Old 03-07-2012, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Central US
202 posts, read 433,592 times
Reputation: 368
So sorry for the problems you are having and have had with this, Rainbow. I have a similar situation in my life. My sister turned most of my family including my mother against me by telling all kinds of lies about things she said I have done. I have had a successful life in business and family and my sister has not. She blames me for her problems even though I have only seen her a few times over the years and we live several states away. She once told me I was born a male so I had all the advantages and she had none. I worked hard to graduate from college and she dropped out in the first semester. The hard part for me was that not one of my relatives came to me and asked me if the accusations were true.

There seems to be black sheep in many families. I talk to people all the time that have a brother or sister that causes the family all kinds of problems.

I looked up "Splitting" and it does not seem to mean what you think . I believe it is called "Alienation".

Go to Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders

It gives "100 Traits of Personality Disorders" and it has the definition of Splitting and Alienation.

Just remember that time heals. You will feel better.
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Old 03-07-2012, 04:50 PM
 
6,061 posts, read 13,810,634 times
Reputation: 7100
Gosh! That's a very helpful and well-written list... but going off of that I think everyone is a little disordered personality-wise!

OP - I am sorry for your loss. I think you are wise to distance yourself from your sister. It sounds like she could benefit from therapy, too, but it's not your responsibility at this point to help her. I hope you feel better soon.
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Old 03-07-2012, 11:12 PM
 
37 posts, read 210,925 times
Reputation: 98
thanks so much! I truly appreciate ALL the responses. sure does help !!!!
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Old 03-08-2012, 09:52 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,081 posts, read 25,605,915 times
Reputation: 18078
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection View Post
i did not find out until days ago that my sister was doing this ALSO to my mom. telling her "don't call her! she doesn't care about you! don't go see her . she doesn't love you or she would call first!". my mom also retracted and didn't contact me. both of us foolishly listening to my sister. i made comments and my mom would too. now i find out she told my mom what i said and told me what my mom said! things like " "i don't know why she changed". my sister just kept the flames going. when she was the person who brought about the distance between me and mom.

at one point i sent my mom some clothes. my sister begged me not to saying "! she will only give them to the other sisters". then told me my mom gave them all away to my other sisters. and never wore them. just gave the bag away. that hurt me. i then didn't speak to my mom for weeks, becasue whe she said she didn't give them away. i thought my mom was lying!!!! . i saw photos of my mom, after she died, wearing most of the clothes i sent, in various photos. I was so stunned i couldn't breathe!!! SHE NEVER GOT RID OF THEM !!! my sister had LIED !!!
Narcissists (NPD) are known for division, they thrive on it.

If you read Divide and Conquer under the list of personality disordered
behaviors, its common with BPD as well.
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Old 03-11-2012, 09:47 AM
 
13,391 posts, read 16,909,217 times
Reputation: 16000
I feel that with time you probably will forgive your sister (as you did your mother)...every child is affected differently...and the horrible abuse you experienced as a child.....also shaped her into what she is....rather than be angry and hurt at her betrayal towards you...maybe you could instead forgive with a compassion born of the suffering you both shared...your sister can't be trusted, nor depended on to portray things the way they really are....she is a victim too.....hopefully over time..if there is healing...you and your sister can be united again.
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