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Old 04-11-2012, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
12,039 posts, read 10,863,669 times
Reputation: 14648

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1717Guy View Post
I had a friend that I believe has a border line personality disorder. He does many of the things your friend does. I tried to help him and his wife, who suffers greatly because of him, and I finally had to withdraw from the relationship to protect myself and my family.

This guy idealized me and my life for many years when he lived across the country from me. I only saw him for a week or so at a time several times a year. When he moved close to me it all changed as we found out what he was really like. He turned on my family and I and he started a program of verbal and written attacks. He finally moved again to a town farther away and I stopped all contact with him and his wife.

I would be very careful of this lady you know. These kind of people can turn on a dime and start to attack you. Of course you want to help her if you can. These are very complicated cases.

Just watch out if the lady starts to turn on you. You might have to get out of the relationship to protect yourself. This kind of person can be very vindictive.
Thanks for this post. I appreciate the insight. Yes, she sounds exactly like your friend. She can't maintain a healthy relationship with any man. She appears to initially idealize the guy she's interested in, giving him unusually warm hugs and making him feel as though he's the center of the universe. In a short time, she demonizes him and there is nothing that he can do to please her. You're right though. She can turn on a dime. I was just a friend and she turned on me, attacking me by email. Can't imagine how intense she turns on a romantic interest.

As I've mentioned, I decided to leave her alone. It's unfortunate that she lives her life as a tormented soul.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
12,039 posts, read 10,863,669 times
Reputation: 14648
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinieRN View Post
I just read that she cut you off. I'm sure you really wanted to help her but it's not something you can force on her because her focus is on those New Agers, and they won't tell her diddly about getting help or even really standing on her own two feet. Many don't believe in it either and will egg her on because she confirms their view. Not judging them, just speaking from experience.

She probably doesn't remember anything because none of it is her own words, it's spoon fed and she's absorbing it and regurgitating but I really don't know how she can be helped without anyone becoming her new "muse".

Hopefully, you won't take on her burdens as your own.

All the best!
Excellent comments and I appreciate them. I have chosen not to take on her burdens. She was referred to me. I am not a therapist, but one of my clients felt that I could talk to her. I tried, and she embraced me at first. But I feel that she's on a road that will not lead to a good place. It will be ugly in the end unless she gets some kind of help.

You're spot on about her being supported by her New Age friends. The woman has serious problems and hides this from them. She once told her "spiritual teacher" that she was cutting herself and his absurd response was that she had "demons" inside of her that she needed to get out. Incredible.

I don't know how she can be helped either, but I'm through with it. You are right about her not remembering anything because none of it is her own words. She's been spoon fed and really is the poorest verbal communicator that I have ever encountered. She told me to read Ekhard Tolle's book and that this book was a good way to understand her. I read half of it, then tried to talk to her about it. She couldn't remember a thing about it.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:43 PM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 277,207 times
Reputation: 381
Quote:
Originally Posted by A_Lexus View Post
Excellent comments and I appreciate them. I have chosen not to take on her burdens. She was referred to me. I am not a therapist, but one of my clients felt that I could talk to her. I tried, and she embraced me at first. But I feel that she's on a road that will not lead to a good place. It will be ugly in the end unless she gets some kind of help.

You're spot on about her being supported by her New Age friends. The woman has serious problems and hides this from them. She once told her "spiritual teacher" that she was cutting herself and his absurd response was that she had "demons" inside of her that she needed to get out. Incredible.

I don't know how she can be helped either, but I'm through with it. You are right about her not remembering anything because none of it is her own words. She's been spoon fed and really is the poorest verbal communicator that I have ever encountered. She told me to read Ekhard Tolle's book and that this book was a good way to understand her. I read half of it, then tried to talk to her about it. She couldn't remember a thing about it.
Did you like the book? Was it The Power of Now? Around the time it became popular and spread, I began to read it and I didn't like it. I found it to be boring but I tried to convince myself I did because only people who were spiritually enlightened would like it and understand it. It even says so in the book. That it's not something that the mind can grasp. But I found it terribly dry and couldn't really enjoy it.
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Old 04-11-2012, 11:06 PM
 
Location: The 719
8,181 posts, read 13,302,072 times
Reputation: 9611
Quote:
Originally Posted by A_Lexus View Post
Yeah, that's really something isn't it? Guaranteed 16 years.
I would go white water river rafting every day and skydiving every other day.
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Old 04-11-2012, 11:52 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
12,039 posts, read 10,863,669 times
Reputation: 14648
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinieRN View Post
Did you like the book? Was it The Power of Now? Around the time it became popular and spread, I began to read it and I didn't like it. I found it to be boring but I tried to convince myself I did because only people who were spiritually enlightened would like it and understand it. It even says so in the book. That it's not something that the mind can grasp. But I found it terribly dry and couldn't really enjoy it.
It was the Power of Now. I found it to be an interesting perspective, but nothing entirely new. I didn't think it was a boring read. I also don't feel that the "ego" is entirely bad. His chapters on pain-body were directly applicable to the woman who is the topic of this thread. Ironically, these chapters were the only ones she said that she didn't understand. I felt she misapplied the concepts from the book and didn't understand the book.

The book didn't change my life or my way of thinking.
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Old 04-11-2012, 11:56 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
12,039 posts, read 10,863,669 times
Reputation: 14648
Quote:
Originally Posted by McGowdog View Post
I would go white water river rafting every day and skydiving every other day.
LOL! Yeah, I should've asked her if she thought she'd live if she stepped out in front of a moving city bus. If she knows she has 16 years, she could jump off a 50-story building and live or stop a moving bullet with her head and live.
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Old 04-12-2012, 01:37 AM
 
Location: Branchburg, New Jersey
110 posts, read 76,864 times
Reputation: 83
It really does sound like borderline disorder, I've worked with psychiatric people as in-patients with a variety of serious chronic mental illnesses. Always felt borderline personality disorder people are the most sickest people, in terms of the mental health spectrum. Not so surprising she's a self cutter, it's probably by and large how she managed her life thus far without serious interventions.

Another person here cautioned you to be careful, which I'm repeating. As they're most often manuiplaters, yet can't seem to feel sense of empathy. Plants dying under her care, well that's very basic but often a symptom of her lack with empathy. I would tread carefully and probably tell her if she doesn't seek treatment, you'll have to cut herself off with her. Hard clear-cut boundaries worked the best with my former patients.

Best of luck!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:13 AM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 277,207 times
Reputation: 381
Quote:
Originally Posted by A_Lexus View Post
It was the Power of Now. I found it to be an interesting perspective, but nothing entirely new. I didn't think it was a boring read. I also don't feel that the "ego" is entirely bad. His chapters on pain-body were directly applicable to the woman who is the topic of this thread. Ironically, these chapters were the only ones she said that she didn't understand. I felt she misapplied the concepts from the book and didn't understand the book.

The book didn't change my life or my way of thinking.
I'm glad I stumbled upon this thread as I see a lot of my old self in this woman to a degree and it's very liberating. I finally read through your initial post. I'm sorry I didn't sooner as I would've suggested that maybe you could suggest a "counselor" who was familiar in spirituality and New Age topics because it's possible that outside of that circle she feels very misunderstood and not accepted. OR to inform her that she already is enlightened, that nothing else is needed in the present and nothing "grandeur" needs to be done and she just needs to accept herself, as she is.

I wonder if the talk on the ego and pain-body is what I didn't enjoy about the book... I was 15 when I first read it and it seemed to inspire a drastic reaction in me as opposed to other books that inspired me to find the beauty of the natural, every day things. Hmmm...if you ever get a chance to talk to her again, maybe encourage her to read The Alchemist or Veronika decides to die (a story on redemption). Maybe it'll help.
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
12,039 posts, read 10,863,669 times
Reputation: 14648
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2be1053 View Post
It really does sound like borderline disorder, I've worked with psychiatric people as in-patients with a variety of serious chronic mental illnesses. Always felt borderline personality disorder people are the most sickest people, in terms of the mental health spectrum. Not so surprising she's a self cutter, it's probably by and large how she managed her life thus far without serious interventions.

Another person here cautioned you to be careful, which I'm repeating. As they're most often manuiplaters, yet can't seem to feel sense of empathy. Plants dying under her care, well that's very basic but often a symptom of her lack with empathy. I would tread carefully and probably tell her if she doesn't seek treatment, you'll have to cut herself off with her. Hard clear-cut boundaries worked the best with my former patients.

Best of luck!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Thanks for this response. Boy, I have to admit, that this entire thread has been very informative for me, and really helped me put her in the proper perspective. I do have a great deal of empathy and compassion for others, which is why I have inquired here. Great stuff.

I never knew that self-cutting was a way to cope in the manner that has been described in this thread, and you're right, it's one of the ways that she has gotten this far without intervention. She associates herself only with other spiritual people who are nonjudgmental and keeps a safe emotional distance from them. They know nothing of her cutting, her problems with sex and intimacy, her inability to love, be loved, of have empathy. She presents herself as a charming, unassuming, yet quiet woman who is laid back and trying to follow her spiritual path.

She is a manipulator, no question. She feels no empathy. Her daughter tried to commit suicide a couple years ago, and as I mentioned, mental illness runs in her family. Her younger brother appears to understand her condition, but seems suspect himself. He's a "channeler." She let me listen to one of their sessions where he, acting as a medium as I had described in the original post, gives her advice on her life as an Englishman (fake British accent too). She relies on this advice to guide her life. If the fake Englishman tells her that a guy she's been seeing is not right for her, she immediately drops him. Quite sad. I had to hold back a laugh when, during one session, she asked the fake Englishman why her husband at the time was snoring so badly. The fake Englishman from a "higher dimension" told her that there was some "sort of obstruction in his throat area causing the problem, if you will." She said that she was taking notes while he talked. Incredible. Anyway, she appears to manipulate men. She lures them in with hugs and an apparent sincere, vulnerable nature, idealizing them to draw them in, then turns on them. All of her past relationships have failed.

I have decided that my involvement is no longer necessary. I befriended her to the extent that I could, but she's so hypersensitive to even the slightest suggestion that she has problems. She avoids any form of criticism, and really takes it hard when she feels she has been insulted. I don't have the time or the training to address her needs, so I'm glad that she has cut me off. Best of luck to her.
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
12,039 posts, read 10,863,669 times
Reputation: 14648
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinieRN View Post
I'm glad I stumbled upon this thread as I see a lot of my old self in this woman to a degree and it's very liberating. I finally read through your initial post. I'm sorry I didn't sooner as I would've suggested that maybe you could suggest a "counselor" who was familiar in spirituality and New Age topics because it's possible that outside of that circle she feels very misunderstood and not accepted. OR to inform her that she already is enlightened, that nothing else is needed in the present and nothing "grandeur" needs to be done and she just needs to accept herself, as she is.

I wonder if the talk on the ego and pain-body is what I didn't enjoy about the book... I was 15 when I first read it and it seemed to inspire a drastic reaction in me as opposed to other books that inspired me to find the beauty of the natural, every day things. Hmmm...if you ever get a chance to talk to her again, maybe encourage her to read The Alchemist or Veronika decides to die (a story on redemption). Maybe it'll help.
Thanks. If I ever do hear from her again, I will encourage her to read these books if the suggestion that she do so doesn't alienate her further.

This is a great thread and I appreciate all the responses. I was initially puzzled by this woman's behavior and really felt for her. She does seek out spiritual teachers and healers. She consults with a guy who gives her positive feedback through Numerology. She follows Astrology and relies on it to determine compatibility with the men in her life. She embraces New Age and travels to places like Helsinki, Mexico, Egypt, Sedona, and Peru for spiritual retreats. Yet her private psychological and mental problems continue to privately torment her life. She frequently has periods where she feels empty. This usually happens when she spends more time alone than she wants. A couple of weekends where she's alone are enough to throw her into this state of melancholy and despair, where she feels as though she's lost her way. She appears to be a loner, and even though she joined a Singles club in the bay area, even at the events, she must be pursued and drawn out by others because she's very quiet. She said that she does feel misunderstood and she's desperate to feel accepted.

After reading half the Tolle book, I did tell her that I felt she was already "enlightened", but this carried no weight with her because she didn't consider me a spiritual person. She continues to seek this "enlightenment", expecting it to be a distinct event that can only happen after she releases all "attachments." Some spiritual "guru" told her that this had to happen before she could achieve this spiritual level. I agree that she needs to accept herself as she is, but this is difficult for her because she doesn't think highly of herself and can't overcome the trauma of past events in her life. She really was damaged severely at an early age and the tendency towards mental illness doesn't help.

Pain-body was pretty interesting and it probably hit home for you when you read it. When she told me that she didn't understand the part about pain-body, I realized that she was not on a spiritual journey, but one to escape her reality. Selective ignorance caused her to discard that portion of the Tolle book directly applicable to her core problem. What was your reaction to this portion of the book? I thought the portion on ego was interesting and useful. I think the ego has a useful purpose in our lives, but Tolle's view of it was great in terms of helping one's awareness of the various qualities of the ego that be self-defeating. I applaud you for overcoming your earlier difficulties.
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