Do you have trouble confronting people? Or addressing issues out in the open? (pain, deal) - Mental well-being and mental disorders - City-Data Forum

CArizona · 03-26-2012, 12:13 PM

Is it hard for you to confront people? Or address issues out in the open?...Normally I'm a "lets put everything out on the table" type of person. I like to discuss problems openly if possible. (And hopefully in respectful ways.)...But every now and then it's hard for me to bring something up. Maybe I'm worried about hurting someone's feelings. Or I just haven't found the "right words" to say yet etc...How about you?

jasper12 · 03-26-2012, 03:15 PM

I have been working on this skill, I don't fight with people, I will say what my problem is, and not expect it to be solved, but at least my issues are out. I think when people keep "stuffing" things, small things escalate.

One thing I can't stand is someone who has problems with the communication, slams things around, is obviously angry, and they expect you to have ESP, and figure out what is making them so angry. I had a relationship with a person like this, and will hit the door running if I see those behaviors occurring.

CArizona · 03-26-2012, 04:11 PM

jasper12...I'm with you. I grew up with a Dad who had periodic "rage-attacks" so I don't want to put up with someone who has angry moods or even pouty and sulky moods...It all seems childish to me. And disrespectful and uncaring towards others. Thanks for your post.

lubby · 03-26-2012, 09:48 PM

I have no problems confronting people. I am also the type to put the cards on the table and discuss stuff. I wasn't always like this. I used to be afraid to do this. Since I met my husband 12 years ago he has taught me to be open and up front about things. Now I am able to confront any one with any issues I am having. It does not mean it will solved or that anything will be done about it, but at least I said it. My husband and I at least once a week have up front and open coversations about life, finances, things we want to do to our house ect... and things that are bothering us.

jasper12 · 03-26-2012, 10:48 PM

However, it does depend on the relationship. And the issues. For example, I have dated my BF for four months now. His home is a major pigsty. I am not sure about really making this an "issue", for many reasons. So, I choose to say little. I don't have problems with bringing it up, but...I don't want to start talking about changing him, for me, or his lifestyle. And this is really his only "flaw"...otherwise, he is an awesome friend, and I am lucky to have such a great guy.

CArizona · 03-27-2012, 08:03 AM

jasper12...Great that things are going so well with your BF. It can be awkward to bring-up something like housekeeping...Years ago I dated someone a couple of times who criticized me for the "state" of my apartment at the time. He made a big deal and issue about my kitchen cupboards. Some of the doors of my cupboards were open. (Versus being pushed closed all the way.) This seemed like such a sin and "no-no" and crime to him...I asked him why my open doors seemed to bother him so much. And finally said that it was probably just a sign that I was a very "open person!"... Needless to say this was my last date with him...Way later in life (after I had been married to my husband for years and years) my husband brought up my tendency to leave cupboard doors open. (But he was really cute and sweet and "tender" and sensitive when he brought it up!) He said that he wasn't out to criticize me or put me down...He just wanted to point out that a lot of dust can get into the cupboards when the doors are left open especially when we have high winds in our area...My husband showed me the dust and it was yukky! And he asked me sweetly if I could (please) remember to keep the doors shut so we wouldn't keep accumulating tons of dust all over the cans and packaged goods in the cupboards. (Especially during strong wind-storms.)...Anyway I was a "happy camper" because my husband was so cute and sweet and nice about all of it! And I always remembered to close the cupboard doors after that. No problem! It made me feel happy and proud to keep the cupboards free of dust!

CArizona · 03-27-2012, 08:29 AM

lubby..I'm happy for you! Good that you and your husband are so close and open with each other...I had this type of closeness with my husband when he was alive. Some of my friends share their "innermost" thoughts and feelings with their girlfriends or sisters or their Mom but not always with their husbands...Guess they don't think their husbands would be interested. Maybe this is because "guys hang-out with guys" and talk about sports and cars and stocks etc. in their "world." And the women "stick together" in groups and talk about kids and grandkids and shopping and remodeling and cooking and "domestic topics."...My husband and I were more "uni-sex" or ??? We didn't do strict "gender roles." He cooked more than I did and even did some "canning" when his veggies bloomed in his garden. And he enjoyed dusting and vacuuming and keeping the house neat and tidy! (Without going overboard about any of it!)...Anyway we felt comfortable talking to each other about anything and everything. (Even our feelings and fears etc.)...What is your relationship with your husband like? I'm glad the two of you are so close.

tijlover · 03-28-2012, 04:35 AM

Fortunately, I've been able to turn things around with people without being direct, and it takes some great skills to pull that off, which you get better and better at with age/experience.

I believe you learn these skills from childhood, later with nasty bosses/employers. I had a father, where it would have been an exercise in futility to directly confront him, so the development of the skills may have begun there. And being bullied in school, more skills developed!

And in a relationship, how many times have you had a direct confrontation with your partner, and you guessed, wrongly, that partner was all ears. Nothing registered!

So! You resort to other skills, which seem to work better for me! And, besides, it much, much more enjoyable and challenging!

tijlover · 03-28-2012, 04:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jasper12

One thing I can't stand is someone who has problems with the communication, slams things around, is obviously angry, and they expect you to have ESP, and figure out what is making them so angry.

This can happen also in a projective relationship, where one person is projecting their anger onto others! The projection theory is a never-ending fascination with me, as I've keenly observed in people over the years!

And the behavioral reactions to passive-aggressive people. Passive aggressive people, subconsciously, bring out the anger and violence in others and many do it, with nothing less than an Oscar-winning performance!

CArizona · 03-28-2012, 06:48 AM

tijlover...I can relate to what you wrote about passive-aggressive behavior..I've been around people who paint themselves as "near saints." They take pride in never getting angry at anyone. Or they insist that they left their anger "behind" in the past...But yet it's plain to see that they still have a lot of anger inside of them and it "leaks out" in subtle (and maybe not so subtle) ways...It never feels 100 percent "safe" to be around people like this due to their "underground anger." And you're right. They have ways of "lighting the torch" and getting others to "act-out" their anger for them. (While they sit back and act "shocked" and insist that they didn't do anything "wrong.")