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Old 04-14-2012, 08:34 AM
 
1 posts, read 635 times
Reputation: 14
Default My therapy

Up to 2 months ago I believed that I’m the luckiest person in the world. I had a loving, beautiful wife, a 5 year old son whom I love more than my life, an interesting job where I didn’t have to work much and fairly good salary which allowed us a comfortable life style. Our sex life was great although not very frequent and I thought that it was almost always on my initiative. She would often tell me that we had a very harmonious marriage and that I was her best friend and the only person in the world that can understand her. Big problem was that she would sleep very late every morning together with our son so that meant that he was ready to go bad about midnight every day so practically we had no time for ourselves.

Then suddenly things changed – my wife told me she doesn’t love me anymore and offered to be just friends. I was under shock. She informed me that she changed behavior and will act like me i.e. distant and uncaring. I tried several times to smooth up things believing that this must be due to PMS and it will simply pass away. Then I started noticing things like her cell phone was always next to her, she started spending a lot of time in front of the computer and would shut it down every time I entered the room but I just couldn’t believe there is anything wrong and I attributed it to her state of mind. About a month ago under the pretext that her mother needs help renovating her house she moved there, distant about 2 hours drive. We would talk daily several times on the phone mainly about our son. I visited every weekend and things remained unchanged. I once offered apology for anything I did wrong just to mend the situation but that didn’t help.

Then suddenly the next day I left after the end of the weekend she called me to say that due to works at the house she needs to return home. I drove there and brought them back. I noticed immediately a change of atmosphere for the better. That evening for the first time after a long period she sat next to me and we had an amazingly passionate kissing and ended making incredible love in the bathroom and repeated the same thing the next morning. I was ecstatic. I thought that the whole thing done by her to punish me for my “uncaring.” She confirmed it. She also told me that due to our moving to another country she’s start going out with her friends for the next five days. I had no problem with that. Then disaster struck. While she was out with her “friends” I found on the computer a several months correspondence with a rock musician from another country. The messages were extremely passionate, things like “wanna f**k now”, “I’d love to keep my head between your legs” and becoming his Mrs., even jealousy attacks as to why we had sex several months ago. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. Next morning I tried to have sex just to see her reaction – she refused. I then told her I suspect she has a boyfriend and she laughed at me that I’m out of my mind. At work I checked her cell phone records and noticed many international calls as well as about 10 calls a day to a number I didn’t recognize. That evening I asked her about the calls and she again lied and told me they were to a cousin who had problems and the local ones to the friends she is seeing daily. After she went out again I decided to confront her when she returned because I realized I cannot take it anymore. By that time I was taking sedatives several times a day. When she came I confronted her. She didn’t deny anything but told me the whole affair was platonic. I just couldn’t believe it so I even called her boyfriend in front of her. I probably misstated the question because he confirmed there was no sex. The next day he called me to apologize and say that he understands my predicament since he had a similar experience, that there is a child involved and that he’d and the affair the same day. That day I counted 10 phone calls from my wife’s phone to his. Several days have passed and every time my wife goes out or gets a phone call I suspect it might be him. She continues with her story that the relationship was platonic and she doesn’t feel guilty or feels any remorse. I love her very much despite everything and will do anything to continue our marriage for the sake of our son if not for anything else. Unfortunately I don’t have anybody to talk to and feel a need to express my feelings so that’s why I’m here.

I do talk to my wife almost daily about the whole thing but regularly we end up on our positions: she blames me and I cannot comprehend that such a thing can happen. I feel a great desire for sex, feeling that it might heal our relationship rapidly but she is not very receptive, usually using excuses like “she’s sleepy,” “her tummy hurts” etc. Obviously, due to the fact that our son goes to sleep around midnight we don’t have our “own” time.


I’d like also to present my wife’s side of the story so I’ll try to do my best since she refuses to write it herself. Her version of the story is that I was not available to talk to her very often, that she was bored, that we didn’t go out on the town, that I didn’t helped her with the childcare or housework, didn’t brush my teeth often (smelly breath as a result), I refused to floss, that I had a big belly that hindered our sex, I didn’t help her in her endeavors, I didn’t support her during her father’s death, I didn’t comfort her during her miscarriage, didn’t converse to her friends and family, didn’t give money to our son when we sold our apartment and that I agreed to pay a special assessment for the condo. Also, with the birth of our son her artistic creativity was oppressed because I didn’t support her sufficiently. I also accused her of not supporting me when I attempted to go on a diet. She expected me to lose weight by myself. She always wanted me to lose weight so we can sleep together which now we can’t due to my snoring.

To keep the story balanced I have to give some additional explanation: when we sold the condo the bank automatically took funds which I owed to back child support from a previous marriage.

So here I’m writing all this trying to survive day by day, relying on sedatives and alcohol, trying to relieve my trauma.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Nowhere Land.
7,810 posts, read 3,098,899 times
Reputation: 10418
Sorry to hear of you situation.


Firstly, I would suggest giving up the alcohol, it messes with the mind, and with the waistline.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:52 AM
 
1,806 posts, read 1,607,129 times
Reputation: 1168
sorry to hear that she was sharing herself. a woman that does this is not worth stressing over, she is scum and the sooner u realize it the better off you will be. go find someone better.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:56 AM
 
Location: John & Ken-ville
12,778 posts, read 8,701,440 times
Reputation: 8376
First you should clean your act up stop the pity party with the booze and pills then get your life in order.

Life is throwing you a curve ball, life is about challenges and you've got a big one on your hands, not the time to fall apart at the seams, you've got children who don't need to see you in that condition or know that their father is coming apart.

Sounds like the wife wants to lay all blame on you, but she has also played a part in the dysfunction of your marriage.

Time for a couple's therapist to sort it all out.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:08 PM
 
607 posts, read 409,179 times
Reputation: 933
Wow....that s#cks.

She had an affair because you are getting a big belly and you don't brush your teeth often enough. ummmmm......

Dump her, collect your evidence, get custody, make her pay child support. Also, clean up your act; dump the drinking join a gym.

The foundation of any marriage is trust. What you have with her is nothing.

Just my opinion of course, and others may disagree. I'm sure you will do what fits you.

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:25 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 995,917 times
Reputation: 972
Two sides to every story. Or 3 sides. 1 his side 2 her side 3 the truth (which is somewhere in the middle).

If you really want to work it out, you do need to listen to her. I am sure there is some truth to her side of the story. That doesn't mean the her relationship outside the marriage is "okay". But it does happen. It's up to you to decide if the relationship is worth forgiving her.

It is possible that her relationship was with this man was not "consumated". If she was talking about sex with a another man online, I wouldn't consider it "platonic", but writing and talking about it, is not necessarily doing it. It's hard to tell whether she is being honest about that or not.

You need to figure out if you can forgive either way.

Also, it does take BOTH people to make a marriage work. You BOTH must want to work on it, if you are going to have a happy marriage.

Otherwise, you might end up with either a miserable marriage, or a marriage that is just okay.

I do agree with the others here when they say alchohol and drugs are definitely NOT the answer.
If you need to do something to help you with the stress, try excercise (it doesn't have to be a lot) and eating healthier (it doesn't have to be a "diet" just eating things that are good for you and cuttinb back a little bit will help).

Take an honest look at yourself and see if there are things about you that really should change.

If you want to be happy in your marriage, you both should want to make eachother happy. But you can't MAKE someone else change their behavior. All you can do is work on your own behavior and your own reacations to their behavior, then you can hope that your changes will inspire them to change.

Good luck and God Bless.

PS Please don't argue about these things in front of your child or anywhere that your child could possibly be within hearing distance.
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Old 04-15-2012, 09:34 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 4,952,705 times
Reputation: 8956
Before I even finished your post, I knew the reason your wife lost interest in you was because of hygiene. Why would you not floss or brush? Gross.

What makes you think booze is the answer to your problems?

Why don't you get your act together - hire a life coach and have them whip your ass in shape - write a plan for yourself and put hygiene on your list of "things to do."
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Old 04-15-2012, 10:41 PM
 
77 posts, read 65,599 times
Reputation: 125
Your so-called "wife" is not being a wife, nor a friend, nor even loving.

If its true what she claims about you:

1. Why hasn't she sought help?
2. Made it clear to you that what she needs?
3. Asked you to go to counseling/therapy?
4. Tried the above more than once?

Playing around with another person while still being married is a punk ass cowardly things to do, for anyone.
There is an adult way to handle a dysfunctional/unhappy marriage and causing more strife and tension in an already unhappy relationship by behaving in a selfish & destructive manner is not the adult way and ultimately, such behavior could affect your son.

I would set down some rules about talking and if she refuses to talk to you about this or going to counseling, I would take steps to move out of the home and seek advice from a lawyer about your options.
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Old 04-18-2012, 05:20 PM
 
9,717 posts, read 6,537,967 times
Reputation: 9773
I guess she got tired of someone she felt was "distant and uncaring"....it takes two to tango...hope your son doesn't suffer because you two can't get your acts together...good luck with that.
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Old 04-20-2012, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Beautiful hills
245 posts, read 180,454 times
Reputation: 494
Both are at fault. Poor communication is evident.
You think sex will fix things? Not a chance. Besides, women are more emotionally involved when it comes to sex, thus, if your wife does not feel anything for you, she will most likely feel no sexual desire.
I would suggest 'couples/marriage counseling' IF BOTH of you are interested in saving this marriage.
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