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I don't know anyone like this. Who would prefer to live with a drunk or an addict? I am sure there are some crazy people that might - just like there are crazy people who marry people in prison, but it has to be very rare. Who would prefer that kind of traumatic life to a sane life?
Well how else could it be? Did the future alanon marry a perfect spouse then the perfect spouse turned alcoholic under the alanon's watch?
If this was the case, then this is saying the alanon drove the alcoholic to drink.
Maybe true.
But what I think is more true is that the alanon is a sick pup and was attracted to the alcoholic from the get-go.
Well how else could it be? Did the future alanon marry a perfect spouse then the perfect spouse turned alcoholic under the alanon's watch?
If this was the case, then this is saying the alanon drove the alcoholic to drink.
Maybe true.
Well, sometimes there is a turning point for them that wasn't apparent before. I mean, my parents and their friends did not drink. I didn't know alcoholics growing up, and to me, at 18 and old enough to go to bars, drinking was something that was fun. You went to bars, it was party time. It was always, in my mind, sort of a given that someday party time is over, you grow up, raise the family, etc.
If I had been smarter about alcoholism, I would have been able to see some really big warning signs. My ex told me all these sad stories about his drunk-ass father who would come home and pass out on the front lawn in front of him and his friends, or punch him so hard he'd be knocked off the front porch, or treat his mother badly. Then one morning when he was 14 he found his father dead of a heart attack. I heard this as someone saying "I don't ever want to be like that" when I should have heard "This is exactly who I am going to become."
I can pinpoint exactly when the change occurred. It happened when I was pregnant for our child. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, he went to the bar to "celebrate" and didn't come home for three days until his friends told him he was acting like an ******* and to go home. (This was a planned baby, not an accident.) During my pregnancy his mother died. It's as if this business of losing a parent and becoming one was just too much to handle, and he invoked the ghost of his father and became him. After that, he never worked steadily again during our marriage, increased his drinking, started using other substances. There's a definite correlation between the birth of our child and his slide downhill.
I carefully analyzed all this for years, back when I thought I had the power to fix everything! HAHAHA. But now I can just look at it from a detached POV and see it as interesting, like he's a specimen in a study.
Quote:
Originally Posted by McGowdog
But what I think is more true is that the alanon is a sick pup and was attracted to the alcoholic from the get-go.
LOL. I remember one of my "Aha!" moments in therapy was when the therapist said to me, "You need crises, and he provided them for you."
I am sorry for your situation and my seemingly callous view of the situation.
It's supposed to be my rule to be hard on myself and kind to others. If we all did this, life would be utopia and perhaps boring.
As you said, ... sometimes. All of us alkies are different in everyway. We drink differently, act differently, progress differently... oh but we all progress.
It's a shame that the guy you married and started a family with seemed kind and somewhat normal until after you had not only married, but also started a family.
Kind of hard to just kick him to the curb when you're an expecting mother and also when he's grieving his own mother.
Once his mom died, that's it for him... he no longer lives the role of "the son".
What should have happened from then was for him to hit a bottom, get back on his feet, and be provider, husband, and father.
You may have prevented the inevitable for a while... a year or two or five, but shouldn't have had to put up with it.
For the alcoholic to drink booze is unacceptable behavior. Period.
We seem callous in our recovery, but we're not. We're like a mother's milk compared to bourbon.
I am sorry for your situation and my seemingly callous view of the situation.
It's supposed to be my rule to be hard on myself and kind to others. If we all did this, life would be utopia and perhaps boring.
As you said, ... sometimes. All of us alkies are different in everyway. We drink differently, act differently, progress differently... oh but we all progress.
It's a shame that the guy you married and started a family with seemed kind and somewhat normal until after you had not only married, but also started a family.
Kind of hard to just kick him to the curb when you're an expecting mother and also when he's grieving his own mother.
Once his mom died, that's it for him... he no longer lives the role of "the son".
What should have happened from then was for him to hit a bottom, get back on his feet, and be provider, husband, and father.
You may have prevented the inevitable for a while... a year or two or five, but shouldn't have had to put up with it.
For the alcoholic to drink booze is unacceptable behavior. Period.
We seem callous in our recovery, but we're not. We're like a mother's milk compared to bourbon.
I don't think you're callous. He never recovered. He did go to a program for a short time in order to comply with the restraining order and get unsupervised visitation rights, and he stopped taking painkillers and doing coke and never went back to them. But he could never leave the booze alone. Still can't. I got divorced when our daughter was around 8 and she's 21 now.
You raise a kid differently when Daddy's an alcoholic. I had to educate her on what alcoholism was, partly because I didn't want her to feel responsible for him and also to know that it wasn't her fault when he cancelled plans with her because he'd rather be drinking. And also to alert her that this tendency is in her family, on both sides. I have an alcoholic sister and a brother dead from cirrhosis. When she was around 10 or 11, she actually told him that when he was with her he could have not more than three beers because after that he got stupid and mean and she didn't want to be around him. He complied with that until she was around 16, and then I guess he just decided she was old enough to see him drunk. She always spent Christmas Eve with him and had dinner, but over the last two years she hasn't bothered because she ends up waiting for him to get done at the bar and then he's worthless as company or a dinner partner. Or he wants her to sit at the bar with him and eat dinner there. She's an adult now, and if he's drunk when she's visiting, she turns on her heels and leaves him and goes and finds something else to do. It is such a shame, because by rejecting her in favor of drinking, he has missed so, so much.
He's got a nice girlfriend, the perfect codependent. She's helping him look for a new job now, which means she's looking for jobs and sending his resume around while he sits on the couch watching TV. She's in her late fifties and will probably take care of him for the rest of his life. Better her than me or my daughter.
My problem is that my husband, who is an alcoholic and has been attending AA thinks I need Al-Anon to change me or our marriage won't last. Basically, he is unhappy with how our relationship has evolved through this ordeal. Someone in AA told him that they have never seen a marriage work where the spouse did not attend Al-anon. He complains that I have changed. I kept everything together while he spiraled into someone I did not even recognize. I went to work, paid the bills, and even became stronger as an individual. I did undergo big change, but it was necessary to survival. After being heartbroken and feeling lost and alone, I pulled myself together and decided life goes on. He does not like the fact that I am not as affectionate and that he misses how it felt when I adored him. Yes, AA has worked for him. However, I do not feel that I have issues that require a 12 Step program. He lied to me, cheated on me, stole from the checking account that paid all of the bills, pawned valuable items, trashed my car, kept telling me to move on etc.... He became someone I did not recognize. How can he expect me to be the same person towards him after all of that? I don't treat him badly. I guess he just wants me to forget all of it happened and fully trust him with no reservations.
My problem is that my husband, who is an alcoholic and has been attending AA thinks I need Al-Anon to change me or our marriage won't last. Basically, he is unhappy with how our relationship has evolved through this ordeal. Someone in AA told him that they have never seen a marriage work where the spouse did not attend Al-anon. He complains that I have changed. I kept everything together while he spiraled into someone I did not even recognize. I went to work, paid the bills, and even became stronger as an individual. I did undergo big change, but it was necessary to survival. After being heartbroken and feeling lost and alone, I pulled myself together and decided life goes on. He does not like the fact that I am not as affectionate and that he misses how it felt when I adored him. Yes, AA has worked for him. However, I do not feel that I have issues that require a 12 Step program. He lied to me, cheated on me, stole from the checking account that paid all of the bills, pawned valuable items, trashed my car, kept telling me to move on etc.... He became someone I did not recognize. How can he expect me to be the same person towards him after all of that? I don't treat him badly. I guess he just wants me to forget all of it happened and fully trust him with no reservations.
This uh... "someone" who told him that... can they explain where it says marriages fail unless spouses attend alanon, exactly which page is that on in the big book.
If it isn't in the book, and its not, then its opinion, worthless.
The program of aa is the big book, not the batdhit insane opinions that get spouted in meetings posing as advise.
We share our experience strength and hope, the still sick in AA meetings share their opinions and advise.
My wife never attended alanon, we are happy.
I am a recovered alcoholic.
My problem is that my husband, who is an alcoholic and has been attending AA thinks I need Al-Anon to change me or our marriage won't last.
Basically, he is unhappy with how our relationship has evolved through this ordeal.
Someone in AA told him that they have never seen a marriage work where the spouse did not attend Al-anon.
He complains that I have changed. I kept everything together while he spiraled into someone I did not even recognize. I went to work, paid the bills, and even became stronger as an individual. I did undergo big change, but it was necessary to survival. After being heartbroken and feeling lost and alone, I pulled myself together and decided life goes on.
He does not like the fact that I am not as affectionate and that he misses how it felt when I adored him.
Yes, AA has worked for him. However, I do not feel that I have issues that require a 12 Step program.
He lied to me, cheated on me, stole from the checking account that paid all of the bills, pawned valuable items, trashed my car, kept telling me to move on etc.... He became someone I did not recognize.
How can he expect me to be the same person towards him after all of that? I don't treat him badly. I guess he just wants me to forget all of it happened and fully trust him with no reservations.
I'm sober over 14 years now, mostly sober for last 24 years, and married for going on 18 years to my wife whom I've known for 19 and a half years.
I suggested she go check out Alanon for a meeting to see what she thought.
She went once.
She calls it Alanot. She told me, if you put me through the stuff those alanon people live through daily, I'd have long kicked you out on your ass.
Folks, don't accept the unacceptable. Ever.
Also, do not go to A.A. for marriage advice, relationship advice, financial advice, therapy, etc.
This is groundbreaking news, huh?
Here's the problem with your situation as I see it, imo... Get that? In my opinion.
You married a drunk loser. Now you're stuck with a sober loser. What do you expect from him? Why did you marry him in the first place? Was he a Saint the day you first met him and he slipped? Did you miss little clues along the way? Did he deteriorate under your watch?
Or are you an integral part of a codependent relationship? Aka you're sick in this strange way too?
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HAHAHA. But now I can just look at it from a detached POV and see it as interesting, like he's a specimen in a study.
