U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 01:10 PM
 
4,238 posts, read 2,266,340 times
Reputation: 7934
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
Can any of you who -do- suffer from clinical/chronic depression, help those of us who, for whatever reason, just flat out can't relate, so that we don't stick our feet in our mouths? Should we just say "Oh, sorry to hear that" and change the subject? Should we offer happy joy joy meditation herbal tea advice? Should we blurt out that we have no idea wtf the problem is because WE are not capable of having that problem? What do you want to hear from us? Are you telling us because you want a hug? Are you telling us just as an FYI, so we now know that if you start cutting yourself with a kitchen knife, we know why? Are you warning us that you might kill yourself, so that we can call the authorities? Or do you want us to say "oh dear, don't do that" and expect that it's enough to get you to change your mind? Do you want us to ask you if you've taken your meds yet?
I found the above part of your post most offensive. You act as though people suffering with deep depression are complete morons unable to communicate their feelings and needs to those around them. And as someone that has had self harm issues before, I found your references to cutting very distasteful and certainly unnecessary to the post. While you may claim to have some sympathy toward those with depressive problems, it appears from your posts you have none at all and really are just tired of them "flocking" to you.

What to say, what not to say? This isn't brain surgery, treat friends like you would like to be treated. You don't have to be on fire to imagine pain. There are many threads and posts on what to say to someone with depression, use the search feature here and you will find hours worth of reading. Google most certainly has many pages on the subject as well if that isn't enough.

If you don't want people with depressive problems as friends just act curt and non-caring and they will get the hint and run from you. No one wants to talk and have no one listen to what they say, no matter what the subject happens to be. I see people that don't get it as having far more problems than I have.

Last edited by todd00; 04-22-2012 at 01:22 PM..

 
Unread 04-22-2012, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
3,966 posts, read 2,226,317 times
Reputation: 3157
My son could die before too long. (Due to fast-growing cancerous brain tumors.)..It's a rough time for him and a rough time for me too! Spooky!...We both have "off" and "down" moments. His tumors have been located in the "emotional controls" area of his brain. (Which means that he might have "strong reactions" to things at times.)...But still...I can't afford to have him call me up in a "highly reactive state" over something "minor" because I'm under stress too and work to "stay afloat" myself!...Despite what the doctors have told him he is able to "control" his initial "impulses" to a large degree and this gives him a sense of "power" and "mastery" and confidence. (Which he needs right now to "stay strong" and hopeful!)...I try to help him see what he can "still do" versus acting like he's "lost everything" and has no "power" left at all!...Would it really be love if I "babied him" and "gave-up" and acted like he didn't have the "potential" to "rise above" his current problems?...I'm not one to "write" anyone "off." (Not even myself!)
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 02:05 PM
 
18,871 posts, read 11,985,489 times
Reputation: 24584
There is a difference between being there for family. And getting worn out with chronically depressed "friends". I met some folks when I was in a support group, that I went to...thinking it would help me to be around folks going thru the same stuff...it was, to an extent. But many of them had far more issues than me. And as messed up as I was...I was in better shape than most of them.

I also realized, that sometimes being around depressed folks does not help if you have similar issues. It is like a bunch of recovering drug addicts hanging out together....all you have in common is that you are all addicts. And maybe you need non addict friends...
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 04:49 PM
 
25,127 posts, read 16,606,239 times
Reputation: 21960
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
I'm asking how to respond, when people tell me these things. I don't really listen, because I can't relate. There is a distinct disconnect between "...so anyway, I've been seeing this shrink ever since Sue died, and it just gets so lonely.." and "...and then I took half a bottle of xanax and wound up in the hospital.."

Around five sentences into the diatribe (since, if you're only listening, there's no discussion going on. It's just a monologue), I stop listening and my own internal monologue shouting for me to get the heck out of there gets louder and louder and louder.

I dunno, I guess there's something I'm doing, some eye contact, or body language, that encourages people to keep telling me more and more about their situation. And the more they talk about it, the more uncomfortable I get and the more I want to stop interacting with these family members, or friends, or strangers at the bus stop, etc. etc.

Maybe I'm just a depression magnet. I don't get depressed, I just draw depressed people to me.

Must be my sunny disposition or something. I never saw myself as an optimist at all. But me + depressed people is like water + oil, yet the depressed people just freaking LOVE me. It's depressing.

Maybe ask "Is there anything I can do for you that would help?" And then if they say no, and just want to go on and on, maybe you SHOULD come up with some reason why you have to leave.
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 04:58 PM
 
25,127 posts, read 16,606,239 times
Reputation: 21960
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
There is a difference between being there for family. And getting worn out with chronically depressed "friends". I met some folks when I was in a support group, that I went to...thinking it would help me to be around folks going thru the same stuff...it was, to an extent. But many of them had far more issues than me. And as messed up as I was...I was in better shape than most of them.

I also realized, that sometimes being around depressed folks does not help if you have similar issues. It is like a bunch of recovering drug addicts hanging out together....all you have in common is that you are all addicts. And maybe you need non addict friends...
This is a good point. Even if you like/love some of these people, you may need to counterbalance yourself with healthier friends and acquaintances.

I have a good friend whom I love dearly. She is bi-polar. Whenever I've had a crisis--house fire, death in the family, terrorist attack--she is right there for me, but try to make lunch plans with her or depend on her to keep plans to go out for a few drinks? Forget about it. And then she's called me in the middle of the night, suicidal, and come to my house at 2 a.m. and sat there until 4 talking until she feels better and goes on her merry way, while I go back to sleep for an hour because I have to get up at 5 for work and then I don't hear a peep out of her for two months.

She wears her bi-polar diagnosis with some pride and often uses it as a rationale for her behavior. She has lost a number of friends because of it.

The thing is that two years ago I had to move to a less expensive area once my daughter graduated from high school. I knew the county where I now live only because of Bi-Polar Friend, so she was the only person I really knew in the area, and I work about fifty miles away so I don't have work people to hang out with around here, either. I quickly remembered how unreliable a friend she is once I got here and tried to connect with her more often. She's also more of a drinker than I am, and she lives in a neighborhood where everyone seems to gather at one of their houses in the evenings and drink until they all stagger home, and while I don't mind having a few drinks, I have to drive seven miles to get home. I used to ask her if she wanted to go for a hike in the local wooded parks or something on a Sunday, and she said yes, but when I call it's "why don't you just come over here and we'll hang out in the backyard."

So, I made a concerted effort to make other friends in the area. It took a while, but I'm here now 18 months and I have made some progress. I joined a little Episcopal Church, I joined two writers group, I attend my township meetings and I attend my condo association meetings. This past week I got a short "how are you" email from Bi-Polar Friend and I realized I haven't talked to or seen her in months, and that I'd actually pretty much forgotten about her. I want to see her again and get together--but I now have some other activities and acquaintances in the area, and I don't have to rely on her for my social activities anymore.

You don't have to abandon the "sick" friends, but you do need balance to keep yourself healthy.
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 06:22 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
7,148 posts, read 7,056,672 times
Reputation: 8567
I'm a depressed person but mine has always been more of a chronic mild depression and it wasn't until I saw a psychiatrist that I realized that I was, so when I heard about depression I couldn't empathize either. But one time I had to take steroids for an extra bad asthma attack and the depression I experienced while coming off the drug was off the charts and I was a total mess and after that I never had a hard time understanding what some folks go through. I just ask if there's anything I can do and I give them their space when they need it and don't press them to do things when I know it would better for them to not do them. And otherwise go on with business as usual b/c depression does not define who they are.
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 06:38 PM
 
5,549 posts, read 4,015,434 times
Reputation: 2639
Wow. I don't know what to say except it's best you not associate with depressed people - both for your sake and for theirs, IMHO.

I, personally, do NOT like to even share my stuff with ANYONE (except my mother and in a forum like this) so I don't. I find that really depressed people do NOT want to be a burden to others and, if anything, will try to hide it for fear of exactly running into people like you - no offense intended. We don't want your pity or to think you are looking for an escape hatch. We would much prefer you just not be there. Maybe I should not speak as "we," but I sure would not want to have anything to do with someone who thinks as you do.
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 06:44 PM
 
Location: gazing @ the Blue Ridge Mountains
9,198 posts, read 5,382,738 times
Reputation: 12294
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistygrl092 View Post
Wow. I don't know what to say except it's best you not associate with depressed people - both for your sake and for theirs, IMHO.

I, personally, do NOT like to even share my stuff with ANYONE (except my mother and in a forum like this) so I don't. I find that really depressed people do NOT want to be a burden to others and, if anything, will try to hide it for fear of exactly running into people like you - no offense intended. We don't want your pity or to think you are looking for an escape hatch. We would much prefer you just not be there. Maybe I should not speak as "we," but I sure would not want to have anything to do with someone who thinks as you do.

for real! Excellent post
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 06:50 PM
 
Location: Wallis and Futuna
10,283 posts, read 12,390,500 times
Reputation: 14892
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Maybe ask "Is there anything I can do for you that would help?" And then if they say no, and just want to go on and on, maybe you SHOULD come up with some reason why you have to leave.
Ah I like the wording of that, very tactful, and possibly even productive. I can't rep you for awhile, but thanks for that. Not merely "is there anything I can do..." - but "...that would help"...leads the person to maybe consider that maybe I -could- help, but I don't know what -would- help, and they need to fill me in.
 
Unread 04-22-2012, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Wallis and Futuna
10,283 posts, read 12,390,500 times
Reputation: 14892
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistygrl092 View Post
Wow. I don't know what to say except it's best you not associate with depressed people - both for your sake and for theirs, IMHO.

I, personally, do NOT like to even share my stuff with ANYONE (except my mother and in a forum like this) so I don't. I find that really depressed people do NOT want to be a burden to others and, if anything, will try to hide it for fear of exactly running into people like you - no offense intended. We don't want your pity or to think you are looking for an escape hatch. We would much prefer you just not be there. Maybe I should not speak as "we," but I sure would not want to have anything to do with someone who thinks as you do.
Well then, I guess you have nothing to contribute to the topic. Just to reiterate -

I am asking people who are depressed, who -do- tell people they do, or maybe even don't know, what kinds of responses would be helpful, from the people they are telling.

Whether friends, family, or strangers at the bus stop (since I've encountered all at one point or another).

Since you tell people (here on the forum) about your issues, what responses do you find the most useful, from people who you tell (such as people like me, who you DO tell, every time you post about it on this forum)?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $74,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top