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Old 04-29-2012, 04:38 PM
 
Location: Camberville
15,832 posts, read 21,349,172 times
Reputation: 28114

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My own parents claimed poverty throughout my entire diagnosis and battle. My parents had plenty of time to make arrangements to be with me for my surgery (my first surgery in my entire life) where a lymph node was removed to be tested for cancer. Instead, I was alone when I woke up from surgery and found out I had cancer. I was with an exboyfriend (whose sister was going through breast cancer 1000 miles away so he tried to take care of me since he couldn't take care of her) when I found out it was stage IV versus the stage I or II that they had initially thought.

Meanwhile, my parents continued planning a 2 week vacation to Scotland. When I asked my mom for emergency contact info for her hotels in case things went south (month 4 of chemo - my blood was tanking), she got all huffy and said that they would not be able to afford to cut their trip short. I only saw my mom for the first time 2 months after I ended chemo. I still haven't seen my dad - I'll see him next month when he comes up for my brothers' graduation. The first time in almost 2 years.

I had family members who lived close by who couldn't lift a finger. I asked if they could occasionally make a casserole or something so I would be able to eat well after chemo, if I could use their washer/dryers (was paying almost $100 a month in pick up and delivery laundry service), and for help cleaning my apartment because my roommate wouldn't lift a finger. Nothing. My grandfather was told and then would not return phone calls or emails. What kind of grandparent doesn't call his 23 year old granddaughter with stage IV cancer? He is a multi-millionaire and while I'd never ask, he could have easily made my financial worries go away. He chose not to do anything. Meanwhile, I worry about how to make car payments and rent while bill collectors hound me. My pristine credit is trashed, all because of cancer.

My life is basically worry personified right now.

 
Old 04-29-2012, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,615 posts, read 5,385,785 times
Reputation: 3099
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
My own parents claimed poverty throughout my entire diagnosis and battle. My parents had plenty of time to make arrangements to be with me for my surgery (my first surgery in my entire life) where a lymph node was removed to be tested for cancer. Instead, I was alone when I woke up from surgery and found out I had cancer. I was with an exboyfriend (whose sister was going through breast cancer 1000 miles away so he tried to take care of me since he couldn't take care of her) when I found out it was stage IV versus the stage I or II that they had initially thought.

Meanwhile, my parents continued planning a 2 week vacation to Scotland. When I asked my mom for emergency contact info for her hotels in case things went south (month 4 of chemo - my blood was tanking), she got all huffy and said that they would not be able to afford to cut their trip short. I only saw my mom for the first time 2 months after I ended chemo. I still haven't seen my dad - I'll see him next month when he comes up for my brothers' graduation. The first time in almost 2 years.

I had family members who lived close by who couldn't lift a finger. I asked if they could occasionally make a casserole or something so I would be able to eat well after chemo, if I could use their washer/dryers (was paying almost $100 a month in pick up and delivery laundry service), and for help cleaning my apartment because my roommate wouldn't lift a finger. Nothing. My grandfather was told and then would not return phone calls or emails. What kind of grandparent doesn't call his 23 year old granddaughter with stage IV cancer? He is a multi-millionaire and while I'd never ask, he could have easily made my financial worries go away. He chose not to do anything. Meanwhile, I worry about how to make car payments and rent while bill collectors hound me. My pristine credit is trashed, all because of cancer.

My life is basically worry personified right now.
I don't really know what to say to this, other than that I am truly sorry for your situation. Sometimes (actually often) I wish we had the ability to choose our families. You certainly didn't deserve to be neglected that way during a time when you needed support.

I can only wish you the best, but none of it is right.
 
Old 04-29-2012, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Inception
968 posts, read 2,613,986 times
Reputation: 1117
It's probably not fair for me to feel this way (admitting weakness and sin) but I felt like I've worked harder to be good and continue to get kicked/knocked down. I do not want to live with this "chip on the shoulder" but sometimes even the kindest can get warn down.

It's never as bad as it seems, but in the moment it may be hard to convince oneself.
 
Old 04-29-2012, 05:12 PM
 
5,546 posts, read 9,977,592 times
Reputation: 2799
Quote:
Originally Posted by cityhopper View Post
It's probably not fair for me to feel this way (admitting weakness and sin) but I felt like I've worked harder to be good and continue to get kicked/knocked down. I do not want to live with this "chip on the shoulder" but sometimes even the kindest can get warn down.

It's never as bad as it seems, but in the moment it may be hard to convince oneself.
What is sin anyway?

I don't think it's about a chip on a shoulder. If you've been kicked down enough you are going to feel the effects. And sometimes it *is* as bad as it seems. For me the trick is in recognizing when I really need to pull in and rest and get my wits about me.
 
Old 04-29-2012, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
2,727 posts, read 6,139,441 times
Reputation: 2004
Yes, in answer to the OP I DO feel cheated.

I can compare myself to my brother - we grew up in the same household with the same parents, rules, etc. He got the better deal in life. He chose what school and career he wanted, then after graduating he lived at home (rent free, bill free, etc.) for 5 years while working full time and put all his money into savings. He was able to buy a condo, then later moved "up" into a house. He has a family that he can support very nicely, plus a new truck every few years, a couple motorcycles, etc. No worries.

Me - I was given a choice of a couple schools to attend or else move out right then and there (as in "not enough time to save up to do so). The schools offered nothing in my field, and no course I wanted, but I went anyways. I worked 2 jobs to pay for my books and other spending money. Anytime I expressed dropping out in order to go to a school I wanted or to work full time, I was reminded where the door was and how many apartments were out there for rent. In the midst of it all, my parents separated then divorced and sold the house. With no money and nowhere to go, my only choice was to drop out of school and work 2 jobs still, but a full time and part time (plus a temp job on Saturday nights for a couple months, at a country club, helping be a server). I've struggled everyday since. I ahve no degree, never able to save much money and ahve always lived paycheck to paycheck. When my other cars have died, I had to struggle to get myself a "new" one. I have no extras or luxuries like my brother.

I see my brother with his family and cry for my own. I lost a child and cannot have anymore, while my brother and sister-in-law have 2 kids they really couldn't care less about.

I work my tail off to have what I do have (roof over my head, a car) and listen as my mother complains about being broke. Meanwhile my mother complains about needing a new car and not having the money. This a is woman who has never had a car payment. The last time she needed a new car my uncle GAVE her his since he was getting a new one. No money required, just "here it is, for you cuz you need it". My mother wanted to buy a condo that she really couldn't afford and my uncle told her if she really wanted it, to get it and he would help make the payments.

Yes, I feel like I got dealt a bad hand. I don't mind working to support myself, but where is there a break in life for me? I work to pay bills. I can save a little bit now, but not much. There are things I need that I go without because to me it's too much a "luxury" and I can't afford to just drop that kind of money. I know how long it takes to save that amount, and to spend it at one time is difficult for me to think about doing.

I have a cousin who always ran up her credit card bills, then cried poor to our aunt (NOT her mother, another aunt). Our aunt would pay them off, and the cycle would start all over. She moved in with her boyfriend but told our aunt she was living alone. Our aunt paid half her bills, thinking my cousin was paying the other half. But her boyfriend was, so my cousin lived for free. Meanwhiel I was busting my rear trying to keep my head above water. Again, where was my break in life? I worked my tail off just to continue struggling, while others get to live the good life for free.

My cousin cheated on her then-fiance (now husband) and had an abortion to cover it up. Now she's blessed with 3 wonderful, healthy kids. I did the right thing and waited, and not only did I lose my child (no health problems, cause never determined), but I lost my ability to have anymore. Just another example of being good getting me nowhere.

So yes, I feel I got dealt a bad hand in life.
 
Old 04-29-2012, 08:24 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,074 posts, read 11,755,180 times
Reputation: 30347
After a history similar to mistygirl, I too feel most safe alone...most comfortable by myself...

my experience is that there is NO ONE who will not betray you. Others will scoff at that but they have not walked in my shoes!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Soda120 View Post
The above nearly sounds like me, too.

To be concise, I feel cheated of friendships (the male kind), money, and life's great moments. So far, a "great moment" for me is sleeping half the day . It used to be spending time with a male, even if we're doing nothing but watching a movie together.

BTW, not feeling pity for myself; just taking "inventory" , and coming up short. But it's "fixable", somehow. Yet, I feel very safe being solo. That's because I trust myself -as it should be - more than anyone. I'd rather have a solo dinner in a restaurant than be bothered with someone that I'm trying to get to know. Guess I'm still not ready for a bunch of social interactions.
 
Old 04-29-2012, 09:02 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,724 posts, read 21,173,387 times
Reputation: 14823
I suppose I could feel cheated that I wasn't born to rich parents or with better genes, but I just feel lucky that I was born.

I suppose I could feel cheated that my first wife treated me like crap for years, but I just feel lucky that she gave me two great kids and that she's now out of my life.

I suppose I could feel cheated that my second wife died after two years of marriage, but I just feel lucky that we finally met and had the time together that we did.

I suppose I could feel cheated that I have a brain tumor that's caused a few problems, but I just feel lucky that I'm still alive and am able to function.

I suppose some have had fewer problems than I have, but what's the point of comparing? I am who I am and play the cards that I'm dealt. My main regrets center on poor decisions I've made, not on the decisions of others, and certainly not on the luck of others. No, I don't feel cheated.
 
Old 04-30-2012, 07:53 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,234 posts, read 84,175,053 times
Reputation: 114542
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
My own parents claimed poverty throughout my entire diagnosis and battle. My parents had plenty of time to make arrangements to be with me for my surgery (my first surgery in my entire life) where a lymph node was removed to be tested for cancer. Instead, I was alone when I woke up from surgery and found out I had cancer. I was with an exboyfriend (whose sister was going through breast cancer 1000 miles away so he tried to take care of me since he couldn't take care of her) when I found out it was stage IV versus the stage I or II that they had initially thought.

Meanwhile, my parents continued planning a 2 week vacation to Scotland. When I asked my mom for emergency contact info for her hotels in case things went south (month 4 of chemo - my blood was tanking), she got all huffy and said that they would not be able to afford to cut their trip short. I only saw my mom for the first time 2 months after I ended chemo. I still haven't seen my dad - I'll see him next month when he comes up for my brothers' graduation. The first time in almost 2 years.

I had family members who lived close by who couldn't lift a finger. I asked if they could occasionally make a casserole or something so I would be able to eat well after chemo, if I could use their washer/dryers (was paying almost $100 a month in pick up and delivery laundry service), and for help cleaning my apartment because my roommate wouldn't lift a finger. Nothing. My grandfather was told and then would not return phone calls or emails. What kind of grandparent doesn't call his 23 year old granddaughter with stage IV cancer? He is a multi-millionaire and while I'd never ask, he could have easily made my financial worries go away. He chose not to do anything. Meanwhile, I worry about how to make car payments and rent while bill collectors hound me. My pristine credit is trashed, all because of cancer.

My life is basically worry personified right now.
I remember when this was going on, charolastra00. Your mother would not come see you until the chemo was over. I was angry at her, and I still am, and I don't even know you or her. I cannot understand this AT ALL. I have a daughter a couple of years younger than you, and I would be at her side STAT.

If it matters, I care. And I sincerely hope you've beaten the cancer. You know that phrase, "Living well is the best revenge?" Well, in your case I hope that LIVING is the best revenge.

I do not understand your family's response to your illness at all. It's not normal.
 
Old 04-30-2012, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,234 posts, read 84,175,053 times
Reputation: 114542
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistygrl092 View Post
What is sin anyway?

I don't think it's about a chip on a shoulder. If you've been kicked down enough you are going to feel the effects. And sometimes it *is* as bad as it seems. For me the trick is in recognizing when I really need to pull in and rest and get my wits about me.
Not being everything it is possible for you to be.

That's one definition, anyway.
 
Old 04-30-2012, 08:06 AM
 
5,546 posts, read 9,977,592 times
Reputation: 2799
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
I suppose I could feel cheated that I wasn't born to rich parents or with better genes, but I just feel lucky that I was born.

I suppose I could feel cheated that my first wife treated me like crap for years, but I just feel lucky that she gave me two great kids and that she's now out of my life.

I suppose I could feel cheated that my second wife died after two years of marriage, but I just feel lucky that we finally met and had the time together that we did.

I suppose I could feel cheated that I have a brain tumor that's caused a few problems, but I just feel lucky that I'm still alive and am able to function.

I suppose some have had fewer problems than I have, but what's the point of comparing? I am who I am and play the cards that I'm dealt. My main regrets center on poor decisions I've made, not on the decisions of others, and certainly not on the luck of others. No, I don't feel cheated.
My main regrets center on the decisions of others I guess. I just woke up and had been dreaming about the sociopath who ruined me on the job years ago. I was NOTHING but nice and helpful to him. Part of my job was to help him in his job and I did it well. Why he'd turn around and slander me on a business trip (where I was trapped with no exit) in front of my bosses and our client is beyond me. I could have sued that company and won for harassment but I didn't.

I feel like I've taken the high road in many situations and just been treated like a turd by others. For years I was able to just function and overlook so much but I've just hit the wall in terms of not trusting people so I do not associate with people beyond casual conversation now and then.

I don't really know that I compare myself to others that much. It's more like I try to process why all my "friends" of many years behaved as they did when really important things happened in my life. The people I had known for decades or a decade or just several years were the WORST when it came down to it. It just breaks your faith in people at the time you need someone the most.
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