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After a history similar to mistygirl, I too feel most safe alone...most comfortable by myself...
my experience is that there is NO ONE who will not betray you. Others will scoff at that but they have not walked in my shoes!
I was going to take a stab at going to a meetup yesterday. Granted, it was on a topic most people would not have reason to attend or a desire to attend. What changed my mind was that I was the only attendee plus the group organizer and I did not want to put myself in the position of going to an "unusual" sort of meetup alone. What sealed the deal was taking a look at the group's photo album. It consisted entirely of pics of ONE woman and some of the photos were bordering on provocative. In the past I might not have been that cautious or investigative. I'm glad I investigated further or that might have ended up being one more "thing" to deal with.
So I completely agree with your sentiment above. In the past I used to be very trusting. However, after getting burned you just learn to not trust. And I think betrayal is not an easy thing to get over.
I remember when this was going on, charolastra00. Your mother would not come see you until the chemo was over. I was angry at her, and I still am, and I don't even know you or her. I cannot understand this AT ALL. I have a daughter a couple of years younger than you, and I would be at her side STAT.
If it matters, I care. And I sincerely hope you've beaten the cancer. You know that phrase, "Living well is the best revenge?" Well, in your case I hope that LIVING is the best revenge.
I do not understand your family's response to your illness at all. It's not normal.
Thanks, Mightyqueen. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not me, it's the craziness around me, but I often find myself wondering if it's something that I did to cause such a lack of support around me. I know that's not reasonable - people around me generally enjoy being with me, I have made some fantastic friends along the way, but it's hard when your own parents weren't supportive. And my parents were NEVER like that growing up. They were the stereotypical overprotective, borderline helicopter Jewish parents. I don't know what changed. I have since had conversations with my mom, who claims up and down that she was the martyr in the situation.
Yesterday was her birthday. I sent her a card. When I called to wish her a happy birthday, all she did was complain that I didn't wish her a happy birthday on Facebook and that she was upset that I didn't send her a gift. I told her that her gift was that I was alive. She said a pair of earrings would have been nice.
I had just gotten in with a group of friends when I was diagnosed. They all sided with my now-ex who dumped me a few weeks after I shaved my head (at a party that he threw at his house). When he fell into a serious drug problem that resulted in him losing his job, falling months behind on rent, and now having to move back home at 30 years old, this group completely abandoned me because I was "too hard on him" for not letting him come to parties at my home (one of his best friends was my roommate - I did not want his negativity around me and simply didn't go to other parties or gatherings where he would be present). My old roommate began throwing parties the day before or after chemo without telling me, then leaving the mess for me to clean up. Now that I have moved out, not a single person has contacted me in 3 months. Not even the other young adult cancer survivor. Not even when I was going through a very serious relapse scare last month. Not even the people I spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with when my local family did not invite me over.
I feel like I'm having to start all over for the 3rd time in 2 years.
The whole thing stinks of gaslighting - most people reacted abnormally to an absurd situation that I was going through, but it takes every ounce of focus to remind myself that it was THEM that acted abnormally, not me. The single blessing of being forced to work full time through it is that my coworkers and bosses REALLY knew everything that was going on (with everything and everyone - for better or worse) and were a constant source of support. The best thing that they could do for me was say that if they didn't know what I was going through, they would have had no idea by my demeanor and the way that I acted. I work with a lot of students and volunteers - when I became Facebook friends with several of them, they were completely shocked. So I know I wasn't being a raging ***** or anything.
Luckily I have CD to vent a lot of my frustrations. I go to cancer conferences and such, but few people have similar experiences to SUCH a large magnitude so I don't voice what happened often because I don't want to bring the mood down.
On the plus side, I might not have become such an advocate if I hadn't experienced the dark side.
Thanks, Mightyqueen. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not me, it's the craziness around me, but I often find myself wondering if it's something that I did to cause such a lack of support around me. I know that's not reasonable - people around me generally enjoy being with me, I have made some fantastic friends along the way, but it's hard when your own parents weren't supportive. And my parents were NEVER like that growing up. They were the stereotypical overprotective, borderline helicopter Jewish parents. I don't know what changed. I have since had conversations with my mom, who claims up and down that she was the martyr in the situation.
Yesterday was her birthday. I sent her a card. When I called to wish her a happy birthday, all she did was complain that I didn't wish her a happy birthday on Facebook and that she was upset that I didn't send her a gift. I told her that her gift was that I was alive. She said a pair of earrings would have been nice.
I had just gotten in with a group of friends when I was diagnosed. They all sided with my now-ex who dumped me a few weeks after I shaved my head (at a party that he threw at his house). When he fell into a serious drug problem that resulted in him losing his job, falling months behind on rent, and now having to move back home at 30 years old, this group completely abandoned me because I was "too hard on him" for not letting him come to parties at my home (one of his best friends was my roommate - I did not want his negativity around me and simply didn't go to other parties or gatherings where he would be present). My old roommate began throwing parties the day before or after chemo without telling me, then leaving the mess for me to clean up. Now that I have moved out, not a single person has contacted me in 3 months. Not even the other young adult cancer survivor. Not even when I was going through a very serious relapse scare last month. Not even the people I spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with when my local family did not invite me over.
I feel like I'm having to start all over for the 3rd time in 2 years.
The whole thing stinks of gaslighting - most people reacted abnormally to an absurd situation that I was going through, but it takes every ounce of focus to remind myself that it was THEM that acted abnormally, not me. The single blessing of being forced to work full time through it is that my coworkers and bosses REALLY knew everything that was going on (with everything and everyone - for better or worse) and were a constant source of support. The best thing that they could do for me was say that if they didn't know what I was going through, they would have had no idea by my demeanor and the way that I acted. I work with a lot of students and volunteers - when I became Facebook friends with several of them, they were completely shocked. So I know I wasn't being a raging ***** or anything.
Luckily I have CD to vent a lot of my frustrations. I go to cancer conferences and such, but few people have similar experiences to SUCH a large magnitude so I don't voice what happened often because I don't want to bring the mood down.
On the plus side, I might not have become such an advocate if I hadn't experienced the dark side.
No offense, but your mother sounds like a real piece of work. She appears to have her priorities all screwed up. A pair of earrings would have been nice? Wow.
I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this and you are doing well to both realize and remind yourself that it is the OTHER PEOPLE who have the issues - not you.
As to people not contacting you and having to start all over - in situations such as yours (dealing with cancer), people often do not act well. I have not had cancer, but I have had other things and people (when you need them the most) often let you down. It's too bad that happens. It does sound like at least your coworkers are supporting you and I am happy for that.
To make matters worse, I had been sending my parents money every month that I worked before diagnosis because I was under the impression that their financial situation was really precarious. My dad had been unemployed for 2 years, my mom underemployed for many more than that. They were making mortgage payments off of less than what I make a month - and that's not much at all.
So when I got sick 4 months later, it was a slap in the face that they went to Scotland for 2 weeks (one of my favorite places in the world - I visited while studying abroad) and would often talk about how they were "so stressed out" that they had to go out to eat or for margaritas after a long work week. Um, what work? My dad wouldn't let me help him apply for jobs (and I suspect that he has long stopped applying - not that I blame him, he dealt with several lay offs with short periods of employment in between and is now 55 - he's in a rough spot) and my mom works 1 job. Meanwhile, I was working full time on top of chemo and managing my medical care - something that in of itself is a full time job. My parents refused to help me organize appointments and as I went further into debt, the less I wanted to hear about how their "stress" made them go out to dinner when I was eating ramen every night. It feels like they stole hundreds of dollars from their 22 year old daughter in her first job, all while claiming poverty when really they are living better than I could at the time. I was sending them money for mortgage payments and health insurance, not for their vacation. Meanwhile, I can barely visit my grandmother who lives an hour away (and has been incredibly supportive - the only one in the family) because of the cost of gas.
My mom incessantly rants about money to me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that while I had a relatively happy childhood, my mother had me in a constant state of panic about finances because my dad was in and out of work starting with the dot-com bust.
I didn't mean to turn this into a charolastra rant fest. The more I think about what happened to me, the angrier I get. That's probably not a healthy place to be. Unfortunately, I can't even afford the copays for therapy now, so I turn to venting online. I swear I'm not this negative in person!
I occasionally compare myself to others. It's wrong, of course, and futile. But being surrounded by people sometimes (and feeling suffocated because of it), reading about celebrities (which I've discontinued), and overhearing others' loud conversation, I sometimes hate my life. It's wrong, sure, and I'm working on being content (while trying to improve my quality of life).
It is challenging trying to make life better. There are so many needs, and not nearly as many resources. That occasionally makes me angry and bitter.
Everyone is out for themselves, and there is little genuine kindness out there. Frankly, I am tired of people. They have exhausted me. These problems have exhausted me.
I still cling to the certainty that things WILL get better. It's walking and working through the damn problems that nearly sicken me.
Oh, I'm not this negative in person, either. I'm fairly pleasant. :-)
To make matters worse, I had been sending my parents money every month that I worked before diagnosis because I was under the impression that their financial situation was really precarious. My dad had been unemployed for 2 years, my mom underemployed for many more than that. They were making mortgage payments off of less than what I make a month - and that's not much at all.
So when I got sick 4 months later, it was a slap in the face that they went to Scotland for 2 weeks (one of my favorite places in the world - I visited while studying abroad) and would often talk about how they were "so stressed out" that they had to go out to eat or for margaritas after a long work week. Um, what work? My dad wouldn't let me help him apply for jobs (and I suspect that he has long stopped applying - not that I blame him, he dealt with several lay offs with short periods of employment in between and is now 55 - he's in a rough spot) and my mom works 1 job. Meanwhile, I was working full time on top of chemo and managing my medical care - something that in of itself is a full time job. My parents refused to help me organize appointments and as I went further into debt, the less I wanted to hear about how their "stress" made them go out to dinner when I was eating ramen every night. It feels like they stole hundreds of dollars from their 22 year old daughter in her first job, all while claiming poverty when really they are living better than I could at the time. I was sending them money for mortgage payments and health insurance, not for their vacation. Meanwhile, I can barely visit my grandmother who lives an hour away (and has been incredibly supportive - the only one in the family) because of the cost of gas.
My mom incessantly rants about money to me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that while I had a relatively happy childhood, my mother had me in a constant state of panic about finances because my dad was in and out of work starting with the dot-com bust.
I didn't mean to turn this into a charolastra rant fest. The more I think about what happened to me, the angrier I get. That's probably not a healthy place to be. Unfortunately, I can't even afford the copays for therapy now, so I turn to venting online. I swear I'm not this negative in person!
You have a right to be angry!!!! And it's better to get it out and express it, even in print, than hold it in and pretend you don't feel that way. Won't help your health any. So go ahead and vent here!
Mothers can be so bizarre. It's not the same at all as what you experienced--I'd rather survive a terrorist attack than go through cancer treatment--but I was in the WTC on 9/11. I'm telling you, it helped us to go back to work because we survivors were the only ones who really understood what we were going through. People we knew for 20 years were dead, the building we worked in and loved was destroyed, but we couldn't say anything about any of that because all we were supposed to feel was "lucky to be alive", according to everyone who was not there.
So I'm waking up every night "hearing" the buildings fall again (it amazes me that you can barely hear that godawful sound on the videos--it went right through your bones if you were close by), floors "moved", or at least I thought they did, I'm jumping at loud noises, and I'm working in an office where people are coming in and out every day from the pile with stories of what they are finding, and when the wind shifts west I can smell the site, a smell like nothing I've ever smelled before or since.
And my mother is telling everyone that I am fine, just fine, everything's back to normal, and then she launches into the story of how much she suffered that day watching it on TV. Granted, she had a short period of time when she thought I was dead, but I got a call through by 10:30.
LOL, my sister says, "Ever notice that anytime anything ever happened to one of us, it happened worse to Mom?"
To make matters worse, I had been sending my parents money every month that I worked before diagnosis because I was under the impression that their financial situation was really precarious. My dad had been unemployed for 2 years, my mom underemployed for many more than that. They were making mortgage payments off of less than what I make a month - and that's not much at all.
So when I got sick 4 months later, it was a slap in the face that they went to Scotland for 2 weeks (one of my favorite places in the world - I visited while studying abroad) and would often talk about how they were "so stressed out" that they had to go out to eat or for margaritas after a long work week. Um, what work? My dad wouldn't let me help him apply for jobs (and I suspect that he has long stopped applying - not that I blame him, he dealt with several lay offs with short periods of employment in between and is now 55 - he's in a rough spot) and my mom works 1 job. Meanwhile, I was working full time on top of chemo and managing my medical care - something that in of itself is a full time job. My parents refused to help me organize appointments and as I went further into debt, the less I wanted to hear about how their "stress" made them go out to dinner when I was eating ramen every night. It feels like they stole hundreds of dollars from their 22 year old daughter in her first job, all while claiming poverty when really they are living better than I could at the time. I was sending them money for mortgage payments and health insurance, not for their vacation. Meanwhile, I can barely visit my grandmother who lives an hour away (and has been incredibly supportive - the only one in the family) because of the cost of gas.
My mom incessantly rants about money to me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that while I had a relatively happy childhood, my mother had me in a constant state of panic about finances because my dad was in and out of work starting with the dot-com bust.
I didn't mean to turn this into a charolastra rant fest. The more I think about what happened to me, the angrier I get. That's probably not a healthy place to be. Unfortunately, I can't even afford the copays for therapy now, so I turn to venting online. I swear I'm not this negative in person!
You have every right to be angry. Couldn't they have at least postponed the holiday, given the circumstances? It's just shocking to me how some families act and how selfish people can be.
Is there no way that you can move in with (or at least closer to) your grandmother? It seems that it would be mutually beneficial for both of you.
Unfortunately, I am not from this country, so I don't know too much about the healthcare system, but is there no way you could qualify for Medicaid? It seems nuts that you are unable to make your co-pays...is there truly no kind of financial assistance out there?
You have every right to be angry. Couldn't they have at least postponed the holiday, given the circumstances? It's just shocking to me how some families act and how selfish people can be.
Is there no way that you can move in with (or at least closer to) your grandmother? It seems that it would be mutually beneficial for both of you.
Unfortunately, I am not from this country, so I don't know too much about the healthcare system, but is there no way you could qualify for Medicaid? It seems nuts that you are unable to make your co-pays...is there truly no kind of financial assistance out there?
Because I work full time, I don't qualify. As you well know, $35000 isn't much for the Boston area - and it's not even enough to make bills when you have serious health complications. My oncologist has to stretch out visits more than he's comfortable with because I cannot afford the copays.
The whole reason I worked full time during chemo itself, against doctors' orders, was because I couldn't get government assistance in any form, and there simply is not charity out there to support living expenses unless you are a child or elderly. When you're 23, you're screwed. Trust me, I searched and searched for assistance. There just wasn't any.
I cannot move in with my grandmother because she is 2 hours from work. I cannot leave my job until I am considered "cured" - another 4 1/2 years. Otherwise, I lose my FMLA which means that a job could fire me for taking time off if I was to relapse. I get at least 3 months entitled off (though unpaid) in my current job, and know from past experience that they have not fired other employees who have had to take as much as 6 months off.
My grandmother also sides with my Mom and doesn't see how damaging her actions are. I let it slide when I called my grandmother after chemo that she complained about her own health, because she's in her 80s.
Because I work full time, I don't qualify. As you well know, $35000 isn't much for the Boston area - and it's not even enough to make bills when you have serious health complications. My oncologist has to stretch out visits more than he's comfortable with because I cannot afford the copays.
The whole reason I worked full time during chemo itself, against doctors' orders, was because I couldn't get government assistance in any form, and there simply is not charity out there to support living expenses unless you are a child or elderly. When you're 23, you're screwed. Trust me, I searched and searched for assistance. There just wasn't any.
I cannot move in with my grandmother because she is 2 hours from work. I cannot leave my job until I am considered "cured" - another 4 1/2 years. Otherwise, I lose my FMLA which means that a job could fire me for taking time off if I was to relapse. I get at least 3 months entitled off (though unpaid) in my current job, and know from past experience that they have not fired other employees who have had to take as much as 6 months off.
My grandmother also sides with my Mom and doesn't see how damaging her actions are. I let it slide when I called my grandmother after chemo that she complained about her own health, because she's in her 80s.
Boston is very expensive. We aren't exactly rolling in it and have to live all the way out in Beverly. I have to deal with a 1-1 1/2 hour commute each way. I would prefer to live in Boston itself, but who the hell can afford to?
I just think the whole thing stinks. You are sick, you need treatment and you should be entitled to it, no questions asked. I think it's disgusting that neither your family nor the state will help you. You are trying; you work, despite the fact that you shouldn't have to. You pay tax, for little or nothing back in return. I know it may not help, but I would send letters to whoever your local congressman or congresswoman is. The whole system is badly broken and I hope that I never have to depend on it, since I would most likely encounter exactly the same problems.
You also mentioned that you had wealthy family members? It makes me wonder how they can sleep at night, knowing that it wouldn't hurt them too much to help out.
I feel like life is a race. But some people start 10 feet from the finish line, and some people are 200 feet behind the starting line. I used to rage about how "unfair" everything was...until I met folks who had much worse problems in their lives than me. I am still behind...and will never have a life that folks who had great parents or financial stability. I also have to own that I made some poor choices in my life...sure...I did not know any better....but I live with those consequences now.
I pretty much raised myself...so I feel like I was delayed in maturity. I feel like when I was in my 20's was really being a teenager. I had no parents to guide me. Just the parents I had...who did their best...but they just had too many issues....I realize that. Now.
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