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If you were considering going away permanently, would you want to make peace with all of those who either wronged you, or those whom you just fell out with? Even if you weren't going to be around, would you at least want to put it to rest and say "no hard feelings", even by letter or email, no matter how much it might go against your grain of thought?
If you were considering going away permanently, would you want to make peace with all of those who either wronged you, or those whom you just fell out with? Even if you weren't going to be around, would you at least want to put it to rest and say "no hard feelings", even by letter or email, no matter how much it might go against your grain of thought?
I did that. Not because I was going away or anything, but just because it felt like it was a necessary thing to do on my part. It takes more energy to hold a grudge than it does to say, "I'm sorry for any pain I caused or might've caused".
You can make peace within yourself. You can tell yourself that you forgive them and you forgive yourself. At least if you do that you will feel better, but if you know the other person is still holding a grudge and you care about that person, I believe it's your job to make peace with them so that they can release any negative feelings. It is possible to destroy another person by not forgiving them so you need to do the right thing. Imagine if God never forgive us of our sins, how would it make you feel? Now if this person is your enemy or not important it's not necessary to go out your way to make thing's right, just let them people be, as long as you make peace within you heart.
This is how i see it ... maybe it'll be applicable to your situation.
If you have "hard feelings" but express to them that you have none, as i see it and based on my experience / awareness, it won't bring you closer to the freedom that i imagine / assume you long for.
It's quite possible that it'll just further hook that part of you who does have hard feelings because you'll be betraying that "you" who was wounded by them.
In other words, don't "put the cart before the horse". Don't express what isn't true for you.
When / if you get to a place within yourself where you have no more resentment toward them, then you can express that.
Most of us who were abused / mistreated in childhood were "cheated" out of our truth and weren't seen and valued for who we truly are and that all can result in our tendency to continue to act against ourselves and to not honor our selves and "our truth".
And often there's a tendency to want to appease those who hurt us as though doing so will lessen their past negative impact on us.
Also, if they haven't gone through any changes and have little to no awareness that they hurt you, your forgiveness won't mean anything to them.
It's "pearls to swine".
And you don't need their permission or their blessings or their understanding to be yourself and to be free and to have your own life.
It's all up to you now.
If you write to them from a place of true love, that's good.
But if you write to them because you need something from them (even on a subtle level - need them to understand, to see you clearly, to acknowledge how they hurt you, etc., etc.) then you're still giving them power.
jaijai...Great post! Great wisdom!...I guess we can all get caught in the "guilt-trap" or the "debt, duty and obligation trap" when it comes to loved ones...You're right! Everything needs to come "straight from our heart" and not be "forced."...And it's easy to get "stuck" and "trapped" in the same old "cobwebs" if the people we are "reaching-out to" aren't interested in "healing" or building a brand new kind of relationship with us. Anyway great post! Thanks!
dragonborn...I think you should trust your own feelings when it comes to contacting family members and trying to make amends...I wish you the best of luck! (Whatever you decide.)
This is how i see it ... maybe it'll be applicable to your situation.
If you have "hard feelings" but express to them that you have none, as i see it and based on my experience / awareness, it won't bring you closer to the freedom that i imagine / assume you long for.
It's quite possible that it'll just further hook that part of you who does have hard feelings because you'll be betraying that "you" who was wounded by them.
In other words, don't "put the cart before the horse". Don't express what isn't true for you.
When / if you get to a place within yourself where you have no more resentment toward them, then you can express that.
Most of us who were abused / mistreated in childhood were "cheated" out of our truth and weren't seen and valued for who we truly are and that all can result in our tendency to continue to act against ourselves and to not honor our selves and "our truth".
And often there's a tendency to want to appease those who hurt us as though doing so will lessen their past negative impact on us.
Also, if they haven't gone through any changes and have little to no awareness that they hurt you, your forgiveness won't mean anything to them.
It's "pearls to swine".
And you don't need their permission or their blessings or their understanding to be yourself and to be free and to have your own life.
It's all up to you now.
If you write to them from a place of true love, that's good.
But if you write to them because you need something from them (even on a subtle level - need them to understand, to see you clearly, to acknowledge how they hurt you, etc., etc.) then you're still giving them power.
amen!!!
Before I moved across country I had thoughts of trying to make up with a family member. Then I realized that the person was not going to change-ever! They are cold hearted and a pathological liar as well as being a narcissist. That's on THEM. I moved and cut them out of my life and my thoughts. Really only thought about them when reading the OP's question.
My life has been and will continue to be fantastic and full without them.
"Going away permanently"? That phrase concerned me. I know we have places where I thought we would never return but later we did, maybe for a visit or maybe for a couple of years. I am concerned this may be more than "relocation". I don't believe in making a false peace. If you forgive them, tell them that and if you don't, don't tell them that. I just close the book on some chapters of my live and move on. You can only fix and/or save yourself. Don't expect much more of a response from them then you ever got before as some people just don't get "it", the feelings of others and why they should care about the way they treat them. If you have done something you regret, tell them. Move on with your life and leave it behind one way or another and don't get caught in a cycle where you are continually in turmoil.
If you were considering going away permanently, would you want to make peace with all of those who either wronged you, or those whom you just fell out with? Even if you weren't going to be around, would you at least want to put it to rest and say "no hard feelings", even by letter or email, no matter how much it might go against your grain of thought?
No, it's history. That would be a sign that I'm unable to get over things. That's life, I'd just move on with my own!
jaijai makes good sense.....and so does ino...I feel there's no need to "make peace" with those who've wronged you...unless you're acknowledging in some way that it was your fault, and YOU seek forgiveness......offering forgiveness to those who don't feel they've done anything wrong is futile.....I wouldn't bother...I would rather look forward to going away, and meeting a whole new bunch of friends...I would definately not feel obligated to make right the wrongs of others towards me before I left...I feel it could easily create more turmoil and strife which is the last thing I'd want.
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