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Old 05-25-2012, 10:14 AM
 
7,709 posts, read 8,183,883 times
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I think your wife is acting this way because she's angry, hurt and scared of being alone. That doesn't excuse her behavior which is immature at best and downright mean at worst.

You have taken huge steps in the last few weeks to totally change your life and that is a scary place to be. But based on everything you said, you had to do it or face looking at living a lie for the rest of your life. You just have to expect for things to be difficult and tumultuous for a while, but also trust that they will get better.

You said you have a job offer--that's great, especially in this economy. Hopefully you can find a roommate situation where you won't have to spend too much on a place to live. Also, she said you can't live with her mom--has her mom also said that? Who cares if it's weird--weird things happen in life. If you and her mom could reach an agreement don't let your wife's concerns stop you.

Why are you getting stuck with all the debt? Please don't tell me it's out of guilt because you decided you couldn't stay in the marriage any longer. In a divorce like this with no kids your assets and liabilities should be evenly split. There's no reason you should pay all the credit card debt or her student loans.

Finally, please, please try not to be so hard on yourself. Pretend that you have a friend in your situation right now. Would you call him a loser, or would you encourage him to take it one day at a time and to work hard and have faith that things will get better? Be as kind to yourself as you would a friend.

Hang in there, pal. We're all rooting for you over here.

 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,474,202 times
Reputation: 2938
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I think your wife is acting this way because she's angry, hurt and scared of being alone. That doesn't excuse her behavior which is immature at best and downright mean at worst.

You have taken huge steps in the last few weeks to totally change your life and that is a scary place to be. But based on everything you said, you had to do it or face looking at living a lie for the rest of your life. You just have to expect for things to be difficult and tumultuous for a while, but also trust that they will get better.

You said you have a job offer--that's great, especially in this economy. Hopefully you can find a roommate situation where you won't have to spend too much on a place to live. Also, she said you can't live with her mom--has her mom also said that? Who cares if it's weird--weird things happen in life. If you and her mom could reach an agreement don't let your wife's concerns stop you.

Why are you getting stuck with all the debt? Please don't tell me it's out of guilt because you decided you couldn't stay in the marriage any longer. In a divorce like this with no kids your assets and liabilities should be evenly split. There's no reason you should pay all the credit card debt or her student loans.

Finally, please, please try not to be so hard on yourself. Pretend that you have a friend in your situation right now. Would you call him a loser, or would you encourage him to take it one day at a time and to work hard and have faith that things will get better? Be as kind to yourself as you would a friend.

Hang in there, pal. We're all rooting for you over here.
I have quite bad mood swings - yesterday I was feeling very down.

I would actually rather she met someone else. It would give me at least a bit of peace and mind, even if I would be hurt by it. She's not doing it to hurt me - she just has self-esteem issues. It's just that the timing was somewhat bad.

I will soldier on. I just have mood swings and off days. I should try to avoid posting / interacting when I'm in that frame of mind.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,474,202 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lubby View Post
sending love and good thoughts your way and as everyone has said time is a great healer. I am sorry you are going through this.
Thank you!
 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,474,202 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I have thought my whole life was over many times. And yet it kept going. And things got better. I am finally at a place of peace. I hope this makes it worthwhile. I could have never imagined my life would look like this...even two years ago...when all I wanted was for the pain to end.

It will get better.
I want to be where you're at, plain and simple. I'll do my best to ride the storm. That's all I can say. I succumbed to depending on someone else for my happiness, not realizing that the rug could be pulled from underneath me at any given time.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,474,202 times
Reputation: 2938
Quote:
Originally Posted by artemis agrotera View Post
Hey there DB,

Sorry that this is happening

I understand you're feeling very depressed and down at the moment. The divorce in itself is hard to stomach, her actions since then are just plain nasty.

I normally wouldn't say 'go speak to a professional' but if you don't have anyone there to release to, it might be a good idea...

Is there any reason she can't stay with her mother until things are sorted out? (i.e why does she keep the apartment?) I'm confused why she would keep everything? do you guys have kids?

She might say that she cares, however her actions are showing the complete opposite.... Maybe you guys can sit down with a mediator to sort out the final details?

As others have said, things will improve....time is a great healer
Thankfully we don't have kids. I never wanted them anyway...too much of a big kid myself and I'd have made a terrible father.

She's not comfortable with asking her mother. That's a closed door, but I have to figure something else out. At the very least, I'm going to take ALL of "our" savings to do what I need to do. She still has the security deposit that the landlord is holding for the apartment. I have no guilt in that sense.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
2,267 posts, read 1,740,414 times
Reputation: 2366
I know exactly how you feel. My ex moved on very fast. She was the one who wanted the divorce. Fast forward 3 years and I'm over her. Thats the good news about time, but I didn't want to hear it when I was in it either. I'm still a loser. 43, not re-married, no family, and unemployed. I hope you're at least working. That will help. Also, look into a divorce support group and therapy. Thats all I can say.

Also, I agree with what bouncethelight says, if that helps at all.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:48 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,474,202 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bouncethelight View Post
Please consider the possibility that she told you about those other men, not because she's over you - but because she's struggling too - and pushing your buttons, and making you jealous made her feel temporarily "better" about things.

I am NOT giving her a free pass - it was unkind to share info about other men with you. But maybe she's feeling bad too?
I don't think she's doing it to make me feel jealous - I think it's low self-esteem, so anytime anyone compliments her, it bolsters her self-esteem. I would rather that than she become self-destructive, or have her succumb to her insecurities even more.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,667 posts, read 2,474,202 times
Reputation: 2938
Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
Dragonborn,

I sent you a DM, but I too think your wife is mean. There is no reason for her to tell you about that "admirer" except for HER ulterior motives. I can't begin to guess what they are, but none are kind.

If you need an ear, I am always here to listen. Please know that.

I can tell you that you are much better off without her. Her words rings false. She cannot possibly care about you if she is leaving you without money, piling you with debts, and not letting you temporarily stay with her mother.

At least you have a new job to look forward to. A lot of people don't even have that.

You have a car, a lot of people don't have that either.

It could be worse.

You are beginning your journey to who you need to be. In a year's time this hiccup in life will be just a hiccup. You will be a lot better off.
You are a truly great person. Thank you.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
2,267 posts, read 1,740,414 times
Reputation: 2366
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
You are a truly great person. Thank you.
I agree. That was an excellent post, chuck.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 11:50 AM
 
7,709 posts, read 8,183,883 times
Reputation: 11616
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I have quite bad mood swings - yesterday I was feeling very down.

I would actually rather she met someone else. It would give me at least a bit of peace and mind, even if I would be hurt by it. She's not doing it to hurt me - she just has self-esteem issues. It's just that the timing was somewhat bad.

I will soldier on. I just have mood swings and off days. I should try to avoid posting / interacting when I'm in that frame of mind.
Don't worry about posting here when you have a crappy day. It's good to put it down in writing and hopefully you get some helpful advice.
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