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Old 06-15-2012, 03:05 PM
 
Location: Colorado
4,267 posts, read 7,284,987 times
Reputation: 4136

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I have a big problem with letting go of things that go wrong at work or at home. I seem to have a HUGE capacity for guilt and feel bad for hours (sometimes days) if I make a mistake or say or do something wrong or inappropriate. At work, if it's a mistake I've made before, the self-recrimination can be particularly unpleasant as I have, on occasion, worked myself into a totally hysterical state over something. I know nobody's perfect but I feel so awful when I forget something or get the answer wrong - like I've totally let everyone down. I'm always working on not repeating these mistakes but the worst part is feeling like I ran over someone's puppy when I do because I don't think that level of guilt is healthy or constructive.

At home it's just as bad. I have a difficult relationship with my parents as a result of years of verbal and emotional abuse from them. We are still close altho I live many miles away and my emotional conflict is ridiculous: anger and resentment over the abuse yet enormous guilt over the anger. And I feel guilty about everything! Even things that aren't my doing.

I think a big part of stems from when I was a child and my mother used to throw these "Silent Tantrums". Basically she'd be in a mood for hours where all you'd get out of her were monosyllabic answers, snapped out like just talking to me was disgusting. Most of the time her moods were a result of a fight with my father and then she'd take it out on me. Sometimes I would've said something that offended her and then I would spend the entire day trying to make it up to her, just knowing that Mum would love me again if I wasn't so horrible/mean/ungrateful/insert fault here. This is how she treated a child of maybe 7 or 10 years of age! Of course I had no emotional intelligence or experience to cope with this but when I entered my teens I started to realise this treatment was ridiculous and started fighting back. But the guilt that was drummed into me as a child is still there.

I am seeing a therapist but it's the times between appointments that I don't seem to have a handle on. I feel like I'll be doing okay for a while and then something happens that sends me sliding down to square one again. I just want out of this pit!
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Old 06-15-2012, 03:52 PM
 
5,523 posts, read 4,346,774 times
Reputation: 8323
You answered your own question...

When things go wrong at home-parents drink or do drugs, fight or rage, treat their kids poorly or abusively... children take this internally, and believe it is their fault... hence some guilt that lingers on...

And we still try to get it right as an adult, ie perfectionism-which of course is never achieved.

Please, no offense intended, but did you have a Catholic upbringing? My friends that are seem particularly prone to feelings of guilt...ie "sin" confessions, birth control issues etc.

You are doing exactly what is best, talking with a counselor. I understand how you wish to feel better NOW, been there too.






760979]I have a big problem with letting go of things that go wrong at work or at home. I seem to have a HUGE capacity for guilt and feel bad for hours (sometimes days) if I make a mistake or say or do something wrong or inappropriate. At work, if it's a mistake I've made before, the self-recrimination can be particularly unpleasant as I have, on occasion, worked myself into a totally hysterical state over something. I know nobody's perfect but I feel so awful when I forget something or get the answer wrong - like I've totally let everyone down. I'm always working on not repeating these mistakes but the worst part is feeling like I ran over someone's puppy when I do because I don't think that level of guilt is healthy or constructive.

At home it's just as bad. I have a difficult relationship with my parents as a result of years of verbal and emotional abuse from them. We are still close altho I live many miles away and my emotional conflict is ridiculous: anger and resentment over the abuse yet enormous guilt over the anger. And I feel guilty about everything! Even things that aren't my doing.

I think a big part of stems from when I was a child and my mother used to throw these "Silent Tantrums". Basically she'd be in a mood for hours where all you'd get out of her were monosyllabic answers, snapped out like just talking to me was disgusting. Most of the time her moods were a result of a fight with my father and then she'd take it out on me. Sometimes I would've said something that offended her and then I would spend the entire day trying to make it up to her, just knowing that Mum would love me again if I wasn't so horrible/mean/ungrateful/insert fault here. This is how she treated a child of maybe 7 or 10 years of age! Of course I had no emotional intelligence or experience to cope with this but when I entered my teens I started to realise this treatment was ridiculous and started fighting back. But the guilt that was drummed into me as a child is still there.

I am seeing a therapist but it's the times between appointments that I don't seem to have a handle on. I feel like I'll be doing okay for a while and then something happens that sends me sliding down to square one again. I just want out of this pit![/quote]
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Old 06-15-2012, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Colorado
4,267 posts, read 7,284,987 times
Reputation: 4136
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
You answered your own question...

When things go wrong at home-parents drink or do drugs, fight or rage, treat their kids poorly or abusively... children take this internally, and believe it is their fault... hence some guilt that lingers on...

And we still try to get it right as an adult, ie perfectionism-which of course is never achieved.

Please, no offense intended, but did you have a Catholic upbringing? My friends that are seem particularly prone to feelings of guilt...ie "sin" confessions, birth control issues etc.


Amazingly enough, no. My parents occasionally fancy themselves as being Jewish but we're not that either. They're just both incredibly controlling, manipulative and emotionally damaged people.

Sometimes I worry that I go too far the other way in feeling little to nothing at all when one of them is talking about feeling ill or getting old and then I feel guilty that I'm turning into a sociopath
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Old 06-15-2012, 10:07 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,290 posts, read 1,511,782 times
Reputation: 904
Quote:
Originally Posted by chilaili View Post
Amazingly enough, no. My parents occasionally fancy themselves as being Jewish but we're not that either. They're just both incredibly controlling, manipulative and emotionally damaged people.

Sometimes I worry that I go too far the other way in feeling little to nothing at all when one of them is talking about feeling ill or getting old and then I feel guilty that I'm turning into a sociopath
Ah, the Jewish mother guilt thing. I too was a victim of that. There is nothing like it I'll tell ya.
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Colorado
4,267 posts, read 7,284,987 times
Reputation: 4136
Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
Ah, the Jewish mother guilt thing. I too was a victim of that. There is nothing like it I'll tell ya.
I always remember my mother once saying something like I should be thankful she wasn't Jewish because then she'd be on me even more than she already was. My response was if she was Jewish at least she'd have a good excuse !
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Old 06-18-2012, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Canada
63 posts, read 63,308 times
Reputation: 54
Chilaili: I know this will sound a bit vague, but you have to relax, man!

I too have the same problem - I think too much and worry too much about things I cannot change. And it is simply useless. So do not take the life so serious and try to enjoy yourself more
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Old 06-18-2012, 11:04 AM
 
467 posts, read 294,494 times
Reputation: 203
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