U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 04-21-2013, 06:57 AM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,258,555 times
Reputation: 3020

Advertisements

My dh has been depressed on and off all his life. His bio mum also suffers badly from it. We are married almost 25 years, and just dont know what to do at this stage.

We just moved to a different city last year and my dh still has not found a job. He hasnt really looked for one and the few he has applied for online, he has not put in relevant experience that may actually help getting the job. I work full time and we have two teenagers. Two years ago he had a breakdown and was in the hospital for almost a week. He is afraid that it will happen again. Last week was the first time in 10 months he went to therapy ( he found a new one). He also has not taken his testostorone shots since nov (he is a cancer survivor).

To be selfish, I find myself done with my dh. The reason we moved was because he didnt like NY anymore and wanted to get off the rat race. So I sold the business, sold three homes, bought another one in the new state and did 80% of the move. Then I was the first to get a job. The kids helped big time also and they got settled in their new school and are very happy.

I hate to walk away at this stage as we have been to gether 30 years, dont want to do it to the kids, and do care for my dh ; but I cannot do another serious set back with depression.

Any words of wisdom.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-21-2013, 02:41 PM
 
39 posts, read 54,865 times
Reputation: 82
I don't think it's selfish to 'be done' with your dh's behavior -- and it DOES sound like you're done with his behavior more than it sounds like you're done with him, as a human being.
And if you find that you're frustrated and angry because he isn't doing all that he can to pull out of being stuck in his depression, that's a natural reaction, too!!

Life isn't fair -- but knowing that doesn't keep it from sucking big time, when it's happening!!
YOU shouldn't have had to take on all that you did and I imagine that it stings all the more when almost all of it was for his benefit and to accommodate his desire to get out of the rat race. (I assume he was hoping that a less stressful environment might help lessen his depression?)

So he got what he wanted, you knocked yourself out to make that happen, and now he's doing no better than he was and maybe even doing less.

If that's the kind of stuff that you feel a certain amount of resentment about, well, you should. That's a pretty natural reaction.

I have Bipolar Disorder and most of us are pretty clear on the following mantra: Mental Illness is the reason, but it's not an excuse.

Even though we sometimes really screw up because of the illness -- and sometimes land in the hospital, just as your husband did -- we still have to do everything in our power to stay as healthy as is possible and to take responsibility for what we do. For all that we do.

I think if your husband was trying harder, you'd feel less like giving up on your marriage.

He may be doing the very best that he can right now!! On his own, that is.
What he owes it to the family to do is to seek professional help and get a proper diagnosis and then the appropriate treatment for it.
And he needs to abide by whatever he is prescribed.
(For instance, he needs to get those testosterone shots if he's supposed to be getting them. Even if he doesn't want to take them for himself, he needs to be doing it for the family. Perhaps he's frightened by the cancer diagnosis and not dealing with it is a way of denying that it happened and that anything needs to be done.)

There's no guarantee that getting treatment for his depression will help, but the odds are pretty good that things will get better. For him and for the whole family.

You say that he just went back into therapy. That's a big plus!! Let's hope that the therapist is a very good one and very knowledgeable when it comes to clinical depression!!
And that the therapist recommends some healthy changes he can make.

Since this is a positive step that will hopefully lead to an improvement on all fronts, maybe you can stick it out a little longer and see if the quality of your marriage can be restored.

You might benefit from therapy yourself.
You don't sound like you 'need' it.
But I think it would certainly help you to 'vent' in a therapeutic setting!!
Caretaking someone who is ill (which is pretty much what you're doing!) is grueling and relentless and stressful!!!
It takes a huge toll on the caretaker.
At this rate, if you're not already there, you may find yourself in a pervasive state of depression.

Everyone has their breaking point.
Your husband had his, and landed in the hospital.
Unless things change at home, you may be reaching YOUR breaking point.

Words of wisdom?
Sigh.
I think that, practically speaking, your husband should be seen by his primary care physician, if he isn't already.
To rule out any physical problems.
(And he should be seen by his oncologist too, regarding his cancer and his not complying with the treatment plan.)

His PCP should be apprised of his mental status, both past and present, and of his family history.
He should then be referred to a Pdoc (psychiatrist) if he doesn't already have one.
A Pdoc is the only one qualified to make a diagnosis and and to then be in charge of whatever treatment is recommended.
He may benefit greatly from being on an anti-depressant.

As his spouse, you should attend his appointments with the Pdoc, if at all possible.
('We' Bipolars often recommend that the spouses attend at least one or two Pdoc appointments and I've never yet heard of a case where the Pdoc refused to allow that.)
You will gain a better understanding of what clinical depression is and how it affects someone and you will hear what the Pdoc recommends in the way of treatment.

If your husband refuses to seek appropriate help for his condition, then you might tell him that you're considering throwing in the towel if he doesn't try as hard as you are to make this relationship work and to help strengthen the family unit.
Perhaps that will provide the motivation that he needs.
Since he's at least somewhat 'pro-therapy', maybe marital counseling would help him to see how all this affects the rest of the family and that he needs to take steps to make things better.

I'm so glad that your kids are happy!!!
That's the most important thing of all, as far as I'm concerned!!!
(But I think they'll be even happier is they see their dad doing better and if the house is functioning in a healthier way!!!!)

Good luck!!!
You're struggling with a big issue all right.
I hope that things look up very soon!!!
For both your husband and his illness and for the rest of your family, too!!!

(((((Hugs)))))
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2013, 09:36 PM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,258,555 times
Reputation: 3020
I have suggested marraige counseling ; he thinks it dosnt work (we went thru a bad patch 13 years ago). I did go to therapy when we lived in NY, and still do phone sessions with my old therapist which I find very helpful.
You hit the nail on the head when you said I was done with depression but not with dh. That is true. I just find I do not have the energy to keep trying to help my dh(he is almost 50) if he does not want to help himself. Last week when I said we should ahve moved back to Europe instead of a different USA city, the first thing he said was that he would move back and that we needed time apart. I have not been bugging him about getting a job ; anything would be a help, even for him to go back to school!! I dont really care what he does, but he must do something instead of hiding in the house.

The big difference since he went to the therapist on Weds was that he got up with the kids before they went to school. They are 12 and 14 and if he didnt have to drive them to school, he wasnt getting up and they would take the bus.

It is so hard to be the spouse looking at the situation and not being able to help or to penetrate into the mind of a depressed person.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2013, 10:14 PM
 
39 posts, read 54,865 times
Reputation: 82
Well, I sure hope that the bit of improvement he's made in the last few days or so is heralding of more to come!!!!
That would be good for him, good for the kids, and good for you!!!!

Hmm. I wonder exactly what he means by wanting time apart. (Even though he worded it that you both 'need' time apart.) He may very well not like what he's putting you through -- but sees the solution as removing himself from your company rather than to do the work it will take to change his behavior. He may not be able to see that he CAN change.

Unless someone wants to go to marital therapy, it's unlikely that they'll get much out of it.
I was hopeful that he would be amenable to going, since he is willing to see a therapist on his own.
I wonder if his therapist could get him to change his stance on the two of you getting joint counseling.

Good luck!!
He's made a little progress!!!!!
I hope it's a sign that things are going to start getting better!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-27-2013, 04:57 PM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,258,555 times
Reputation: 3020
We had a breakthrough ; He asked me to help him update his resume. That is enormous. He is also admitting that he is ashamed of his behaviour and dosnt want to talk to his friends. He has gone to therapy two weeks in a row and says it is helping. He did spend two days with an old friend of his this week so that was good.
Is amazing that the small things can make the biggest difference in life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-27-2013, 06:52 PM
 
16,482 posts, read 21,095,078 times
Reputation: 16172
Why had it taken him so long to get back into therapy? He needs therapy and likely anti-depressant medication as well. Obviously you may both need some marriage counseling as well. My EX husband was a depressed person who did not believe in therapy or medication. I dealt with that for 24 years and then left the marriage. Personally it was one of the best things I ever did. I have 4 children, and 3 were still at home when I left. He honestly doesn't sound like he is making much of an effort to help himself as well as find a job. You have far too much put upon your shoulders.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-28-2013, 09:23 PM
 
2,784 posts, read 7,338,065 times
Reputation: 2796
Quote:
Originally Posted by okaydorothy View Post
I have suggested marraige counseling ; he thinks it dosnt work (we went thru a bad patch 13 years ago). I did go to therapy when we lived in NY, and still do phone sessions with my old therapist which I find very helpful.
You hit the nail on the head when you said I was done with depression but not with dh. That is true. I just find I do not have the energy to keep trying to help my dh(he is almost 50) if he does not want to help himself. Last week when I said we should ahve moved back to Europe instead of a different USA city, the first thing he said was that he would move back and that we needed time apart. I have not been bugging him about getting a job ; anything would be a help, even for him to go back to school!! I dont really care what he does, but he must do something instead of hiding in the house.

The big difference since he went to the therapist on Weds was that he got up with the kids before they went to school. They are 12 and 14 and if he didnt have to drive them to school, he wasnt getting up and they would take the bus.

It is so hard to be the spouse looking at the situation and not being able to help or to penetrate into the mind of a depressed person.
What a difficult situation to be in, a 30 year relationship, 2 young boys and a husband who is draining you.

The thing that jumps out to me is your very resiliant boys, they are young but are very aware of what is happening in the home. You are both sending them messages about relationships and personal responsibility.

It sounds like your husband is taking no responsibility for his illness and he is not an ideal role model for his sons.

You can not want more for your husband than he wants for himself. That never has a successful outcome.

Your husband is almost 50, your boys have their lives in front of them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-29-2013, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Kansas
19,185 posts, read 15,034,421 times
Reputation: 18249
How old are the kids? Also, dealing with this, I know that being around a depressed person is not a positive thing for the kids. My two other thoughts are that this will continue to get worse with age as my husband is almost 59 and dealing with getting older takes a lot of physical and mental stamina which a person that is depressed really doesn't seem to have and the other thought is that if you have mentioned that you are considering ending the relationship, he may be doing these positive things for damage control. We have been married for 31 years and we have a son with developmental disabilities which has limited my choices but that is about to change. If anyone is dealing with a situation like the OP, watch out for repeated bouts of "damage control" until the situation cools off because that is a never-ending cycle. Been there, done that, about finished with it!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-04-2013, 07:17 AM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,258,555 times
Reputation: 3020
The kids are 13 (next week) and 14. They are both very good kids, into sports and doing well at school. Right now I take it one day at a time. I want to stop resenting him, but it is so hard. He is going to therapy weekly now, has gotten his meds increased and also gone to the urologist to see about his testosterone shots (the ins is fighting paying for the androgel!!).

This week he has applied online for jobs (I know it dosnt work very well but its a start), gotten his motorbike permit and gets up daily with the kids as they leave for school.

I am just tired of the cycle. The rollercoaster is horrendous.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top