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I know this is a lot to read. Thank you for listening, I could really use some support so here it goes.
A year ago, I forgave family that never deserved it, to release my burden of not forgiving. I often felt that there was something terribly wrong with my family’s functioning but was blinded as this was all I knew. Growing up, I was to blame for many things not realizing that I was blamed. I thought that every child should and did know that they were a mistake, the reason to continue a loveless marriage. After all if it weren’t for my seed planted things would have wound up different, and better…my fault. I had meningitis when I was 3 months old and my parents were told that if I didn’t die I would be severely handicapped, how dare I make them worry like that…my fault. When I passed out as a child due to undiagnosed asthma, I wasn’t rushed to the hospital but the doctor’s office who then rushed me to the hospital, yet again, an illness, a worry, and most of all….my fault. My first migraine in 8th grade began with symptoms of a stroke (migraine with aura), no doctor or hospital visit, as per my mom…Dr so and so would look too much into this and it’s nothing so it’s not worth getting checked out…and, my fault. Constant cracks on how independent I was, difficult I was, or the clothes I wore were too revealing or baggy not revealing anything, my friends, being a loser, or quitter which of course was….my fault. If it weren’t for me my mom could have been more than a waitress dependant on her husband (dad) for everything. Being stalked by a mother who invaded my privacy on a daily basis, even left notes to the such at times, but it all felt normal to me, and anything gained by my mother was used against me…my fault. I would threaten my mother with the fact that she would verbally and mentally abuse me, she would laugh, make me seem/feel crazy, and I had no one to turn too. I wonder if my friends and their parents knew there was a problem, but didn’t have the heart or full knowledge to face it. I would wonder why my martyr parents would be in someone’s life, only to be casted away; but why would they do that to such nice innocent people (I don’t remember being blamed for this one just wondered why and actually feeling bad.)
I was all set, I met my first husband and we made a pact that we would start our family here and phase out our parents. I had my son at 19, ready to phase my parents out and had a burst of mommy hood nostalgia coupled with the first truly nice (but not really, just another way to sucker me in) comment I remember coming from my mom’s mouth,”Wow, you really are a good Mom” I cried as I responded, “did you really think I would be a bad one?” My parents had little role in our life at that point other than the weekly dinner. They did not share any real interest in my son at that time. Actually, when I had my son was the first time in my life that my mom decided that she wanted to work full time (felt like a kick in the face then, but realize now what a blessing!) My first marriage failed, my parents hated him, and I was only mimicking the only way I knew to love. It wasn’t until this point did my parents play an open and active role with my son at age 3. They happily engaged in watching him if I went on dates. Then I meet my current husband that they loved…at the time. That was until we all went camping together and my brother showed up, drank way too much, way too fast, passed out, scared my sister who then told my mom, next thing you know this was all my husband’s fault. That’s when the claws came out for him.
I succeeded in obtaining Associates Degree at junior college as my sister was going to Cosmetology school, yet no one knew of my achievements. My parents didn’t acknowledge my going to school at all. Everyone knew about her, up to the minute. Never had a bridal shower, baby shower, or as much as a gift for getting married (and no, they did not pay for any part of weddings), graduating college (first in my family!) I moved over 300 miles away after I graduated with my son and his dad’s blessing.
I’ve owned two houses and was told both times house was crap. Now in my second home with my son and husband there were some financial difficulties in conjunction with a pre paid cruise from my family for Thanksgiving 2009. My husband and I were fighting due to financial stress and impeding vacation. I kept having nightmares about the ship going down but went against my instincts and continued on the cruise. I cancelled all my credit cards and was under the impression that you needed one for cruise incidentals so I asked if I could borrow my parent’s card. I was under so much stress and pressure I became….mad, crazy, mad! I even tried to break it off with my husband the day before, and confided in my parents my frustrations…..wrong, definitely my fault!!!! We vowed to give it our all and enjoy the vacation coming our way, even explained to my parents our problems and intentions of working it out on the cruise…my fault. Needless to say tensions were high on cruise for all sorts of reasons (finances, prospect of splitting up, knowing my parents knew our problems and would try to pry in to our detriment). This ended poorly. The last night hubby and I were back on track, but I could feel and see the hostility building towards my husband. You see he got very drunk one day that embarrassed my family (like getting drunk on a cruise is preposterous.) We decided not to meet the family for dinner as we were shunned the night before for this reason, and all day on the boat. We made a line of decisions that would haunt us for a long time. My father wasn’t in the most sobering of minds that day. Ultimately we decided not to go to dinner and were not going to need the credit card on file because we could pay cash, so decided to inform my parents of this which just enraged them (this gift was attached to the rule that you must come to dinner?!) My father stormed into our stateroom (son in their room, hubby and I here) yelling into hubby’s face, “you ruined our family vacation” over and over. After begging and pleading for my father to calm down, and talk it over like adults, hubby gave up his mandible and my father swung twice. It took a lot out of him because he was out of breath, but now sitting like we were. I commented on how we can now just talk about it. As soon as he got his breath back jumped up. I jumped up in front of him begging and crying for him to calm down as he proceeded to look me straight in the eye and punch me in the face. Hubby just reacted by hitting him, and made him bleed. He spit his blood on both of us and stumbled back to his room to have security there a minute too late. We were stuck in the room, on arrest of some sort, unable to make calls, or leave the room, and they kept my son in their possession. We were labeled as alcoholic, drug addicts that I held my father down while my husband beat him: Only evidenced by my hubby getting drunk a few days prior. The cruise never did allow my son to come back to my room. I cowered, and didn’t know what to do ….my fault.
I was getting the feeling that I wasn’t being demeaned enough and decided to let them back in, forgiving them carte blanche. Sparked by an unexpected suit for custody (2012 now, still retained full custody of son, but took a back seat to allow him to live with his dad), and child support. Humbled by the fact that even though he paid $200 a month child support from divorce to now crying poor even though he made as much as I did; attorney advice revealed that I would be obligated to pay him $650 a month. I realized that I needed something for me, but this was new territory for me. I sent them a beautiful excerpt from the Book of Love on forgiveness. They never admitted what they did to me but that they forgave me too?!? Funny because thinking this was lifting a weight, I had a dream while away that I woke up crying from. The dream gave me the distinct impression that I would never be free from their burden. I vowed as the excerpt stated that forgiving did not mean I forgot, but I could move on knowing what I knew, to build a new relationship. Almost immediately this line was crossed, but I ignored it…my fault. I found spiritual guidance through meditation, and this really gave me my positive thinking foundation.
I recently was fired from a job, my dotting mother called to make sure I was ok. She seemed so genuinely concerned. At this point my house was in foreclosure, I had no heat, and electric company threatens to turn off electric unless I paid $750 that day. Not having those funds, I asked my parents for help. They seemed so genuinely concerned but unable to produce (even though they buy my sisters LV luggage/handbags, Gucci, bought my brother a car, and gave him money to renovate his home) ...my fault.
I moved to a small area and job prospects at this point are just not there. I again decided to bring a positive to these negative and set my sights out west. My mom kept trying to convince me to move somewhere else closer. I had a conversation with her that I worded very carefully as I knew it was a ploy to set me up. I told my mom that I wasn’t sure when I would be moving. At the mercy of the Mortgage Company or prospect of a job it would be anywhere from 30 to 90 days give or take. She asked me if she could then take my son this summer if I was moving in 30some days. I told her that I wanted every minute with him before I go that I don’t expect that I will move really before July or August. She asked me if I did go sooner could she, I told her that it wasn’t up to me, ask his dad, but not to even speak of it until I know more because I wanted all the time I could have.
My son spent this last Memorial Day with my family. I had applied to university to finish my Bachelor’s Degree, was accepted. I called my mom, talked to her and my son was crying at the happiness I felt, but she hung up on me. When my son came home I received an email from his dad, downing me because my life was in shambles. He claimed that I had no recourse that my son did not want to visit me on weekends or any of this summer, and he felt this was right due to his not being informed. He also told me that my son should be subjected with the possibility of losing power or having hot water. I wrote back puzzled that he knew what I knew and I would give proper notification when I have a better idea. I left the my financial problems alone. He already set up the plan for my son to spend the entire summer with my family. Armed with the understanding of the conversation I had with my mom, I called her. This is when I sickly realized how very toxic my family was. My mother stuck to her guns that I told her that she could have him this entire summer regardless. I was so sick that she did not just apologize and state the misunderstanding, and even rationalized her behavior. I told her how sick it was, what she was doing, and she said we were two peas in a pod?…my fault. The last thing I told my mom was that I love her, only to find a don’t have time for people that hate me post on social media.
So let me elaborate. I answered my question of why both of my sisters have been involved in abusive relationships, even me with my ex, but they were both physically, mentally, and I believe sexually abused. My middle sister was breastfed until she was 3. My youngest sister slept in my parent’s bed until after 10 years old. My mom enabled both of their abusive relationships, at the detriment of middle sisters daughters (None of their s/o were ever attacked by my father like I/hubby were) my brother, the obvious and I were so close growing up but the cruise incident tore us apart. Funny because on that cruise he spoke of how my mom’s inheritance (she got over $1,000,000 when my grandmother passed) was being wasted on my other two sister’s expensive taste and support for mid sis’s children, which we needed to intervene. Now that wedge is in he’s got named above, plus money to start his own business. Funny how he got nothing while we were close.
All my sisters getting name brand this and that, come Christmas I got less than my sister in law (same things though, but I got less). I don’t remember much of my childhood, and so very fearful that I was sexually abused but repressed this. I wonder why I had so many health problems as a kid, but a very healthy adult (still get migraines and have asthma)
My mother hated my inquisitiveness, intelligence, and independence to the point of doing my homework in 4th grade. I was the only child that had a foundation that followed with education. My brother and sisters were encouraged not to go to school, that they had learning disabilities, and or were stupid. I did sports until a senior, but was a quitter when none of my other siblings were doing extracurricular (and/or quit them because they were too hard.) Better yet the small envolvement they had in extracurriculars, my parents were at every meet, game, etc for support, but I can count 3 they went to of mine.
When I was 15, I damaged my knee. My mother just had a baby, and to her this was an act to make me untrustworthy. How dare I bestow upon her this worry when she has such a young child to care for. This was an act of selfishness on my part. I couldn’t walk without pain or run at all on this leg for 6 weeks. I kept complaining of the pain to my parents and it was passed off. Luckily I was training for sport and my coach finally said this has been too long, didn’t my parents know? I told him yes but they won’t believe me. He sent me to the school trainer who stated I had a torn ACL would probably need surgery but def an orthopedic. He had to tell them, and they acted like: OMG I had no idea, asking me why I never told them. I just stayed quiet.
My next worry is my son. Claws are deep into him and his father. If I remove myself completely, will my son become the scapegoat eventually? His father is in cahoots with my parents and he is actively alienating me. Then there’s the fact that he is a smart kid whose grades have plummeted and dreams of attending famous technical college seemed to have faded to possibly not attending college.
I am broken but fixing all I can. I cower, feel worthless, even feel like a crappy mom because I have to struggle to afford everything right now. I have overcome much, but still feel inferior. My hubby has supported me through this all and has been my rock, but it’s hard on him too. We both live from pains of childhood that we had identified and working hard to overcome. I have made up my mind to continue with my move. I have faith that I planted enough seed in my son to come out to be the loving caring person I raised him to be even as the deck is stacked against him.
My mother does everything in the name of love, and doing all she can for her family. Fails when it comes to anyone independently happy.
No one will admit to this dysfunction. Family was turned against me, and if they weren’t I’m ashamed of what she said and the fact that I don’t stand a chance.
I remember crying out to my mom as a teenager that she didn’t seem to care about me at all. She cried and said its all she did was care, which made me believe her…for the time.
As a kid I ran away, asked to move in with other family members, etc. I was never allowed to move in with family. My first husband lived in a roach infested apartment, that I happy would have rather slept on that floor than at home. This was so offensive to my mom she said, “I can’t wait until you have a kid of your own, I’ll make sure they put you through the ringer; and she did alright.
I am torn. I realize that the only way I can rid myself of this toxicity is to cut it off completely. My sadness with this decision is my son’s exposure to this. I have no legal or physical custody of him just visitation, that his father is refusing to accommodate. I cannot go through a legal battle, and feel now more than ever that I need to preserve what I have worked so hard to feel…like a real, competent, intelligent, loving, and compassionate successful woman.
I'm really sorry to hear all of this. I have a somewhat similar story, and I'll share my story with u.
Growing up my dad had a horrible meth, alcohol, cocaine and weed addiction and he was using LSD, he was usually gone and when he was home it sucked. He also sold meth for the hells angels, and also has schizoid effective disorder, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder.
I grew up in fear, scared of how my dad would react, if he was woken up from being passed out drunk, or what kind of mood he might be in after coming home from the bar. I remember him taking me on drug runs, locking me in pitch black rooms for hours, while he got high. I felt like I had to get perfect grades, because I was scared of what might happen if I didn't. As a result I got straight A's and was winning academic awards in school. But home life sucked I was always running from my dad, and ran away for the first time at age 5. He was totally unpredictable.
My parents split up shortly after my brother was born and my dad ended up getting clean and sober. My parents ended up getting back together and I didn't really know how to feel about it. My dad was definitely different, and he basically substituted street drugs for prescription drugs (and was heavily medicated). I still could not get past the way he was, and the fear I felt. I continued to excel in school and life continued on.
My brother started coming of age and from the beginning it was obvious we were exact opposites. He started selling drugs by 7th grade, was vandalizing stores, skipping school hanging w the losers from the neighborhood, and was expelled from high school less than 3 months into his freshman year. My parents never really seemed to care though. They always made excuses for him and acted like it was no big deal. I felt so angry and confused...how could this happen?? Why did I have to live my life in fear while this guy's running around town acting like life is one big party. I started to really hate my brother, and we did not get along and got into fist fights constantly. Whenever something happened between us my dad always protected my brother and took his side. My brother realized this, and when he did it got way worse. He started making things up, or instigating fights and then only telling half the story. My dad would never ask for my side he would just immediately get in my face, yell at me and call me all kinds of names. My dad started treating me worse and worse and did some really messed up things to me.
I remember one day we were hosting a party and for almost no reason at all he just splashed a whole glass of lemonade in my face, right in front of a bunch of people. Another time a gf of mine, was messing w a tape recorder, and she overheard my dad taping himself telling his friends exactly how he was going to kill me and then cracking up about it. When I heard that, I really didn't know what to think. I started to withdraw in school, my junior high gpa was about 1.6, and I started getting suspended from school. My brother never went to his continuation school, didn't even graduate but if I brought home a bad report card I dreaded it the whole day. My dad never hit me, but I ran away many times because he was charging at me, and I wasn't about to stick around, to find out what he was going to do. My dad ended up telling me, he had completely given up on me...I became extremely depressed, and was isolating all the time, just to have some peace and quiet.
As a teen my parents let me smoke weed, get drunk and my dad started giving me vicodin, and man did they get me high. I started partying pretty hard and became a full blown drug addict. I realized I was probably going to overdose and knew the only way I could stop would be to get some type of closure from my dad. I prepared for this crucial, crucial moment in my life...I approached him as calmly and as gently as possible. I did not play any type of blame game or anything like that...just wanted for him to acknowledge some of the things he had done that caused me to turn out the way that I did, so I could heal from it and move on with my life. This could not have gone any worse than it did...the end result was me throwing a table across the room and I started punching and kicking holes in the wall. Once again I ran away, with my dad calling me all kinds of names as I took off.
I got kicked out when I was 20 for something soooo stupid (my brother never had a job sold drugs and yet he has still NEVER moved out of my parents house or been kicked out and he's almost 28 now) My drug use spiraled out of control. Pills, weed, ecstasy and shrooms led to meth and an addiction to blacking out from alcohol (I didn't like who I had become especially drunk and if I blacked it all out, I didn't have to feel guilty about anything I did) My addiction lasted for over 12 years...during that time things continued whenever I was around my dad.
I remember one time he picked me up from a pizza parlor in laguna, and of course we got into a huge argument. My dad was ALWAYS lying and I just couldn't take it this time. I called him on his shi+ and he made me get out of the car. I started the 2.5 hour walk, and then I hear my dad peel out and drive up on the sidewalk right at me...he tried to run me over, but I jumped into the grass next to the sidewalk. I learned that one of the side-effects of either schizophrenia or the meds or both was constant black-outs...I always thought my dad was a pathological liar but it might have actually been a side effect from his disorder. I'm still not sure what the cause is.
About 4 years after that car incident I was really losing it...I couldn't stop using drugs, and was really going crazy. I ended up losing my spot and had nowhere to turn. I moved into a Christian men's home and man that was not an easy decision to make even thought the alternative was being homeless. They treated us like slaves in the home...we often weren't fed lunch, worked long hours all day in the heat with no food or water. Some nights we didn't even get to sleep because we were always working to make the church money. One day I woke up in the home, and I had nothing left...I was tired, worn down, had no support, no one to talk to, living in a small house with 16 other men who were all being treated like slaves. I could barely even open my eyes, I was so tired. My only choice was to pray to God and believe it or not I had energy to spare art the end of the day...Now I'm not trying to push Jesus on u at all, but becoming a born again Christian saved my life. I used to plan my funeral every night because I knew I would die, but in the home my drug addiction was lifted, I forgave every one who ever hurt me, and now have a wonderful relationship with my parents. It's the only advice I have to give, but it worked for me, and I was never religious or knew anything about the bible...I hope that if nothing else my story helped u feel just a tiny bit better. Please keep me updated in the future on your situation.
Your friend,
Maxwell
Can't help thinking that whatever you needed to do in this life with those primitive, blind, shut-down people is finished. Your work with them is done; you are free to move on. You have succeeded in finding an evolved viewpoint and state of mind about life, and have resisted all attempts by them to bring you down to their level. I have known many very sane, loving people who came from the most cruel and hateful families.
Your son will find his own way, and he will eventually see the truth, or not. By separating from the craziness, you can be an example of someone who found a way out, and had the courage to leave, which can at least give him the option of eventually doing so. To cut off something is not without some pain, just like surgery is, and both can be lifesaving.
Most people don't escape childhood without some scars. I can't really tell what the issue is with your family - but the focus on "my fault," is very victimish, martyrish . . .what I suspect is that you have suffered some abuse and are probably dysfunctional yourself (which you may not be owning).
I think to say that your siblings suffered sexual abuse based on the fact your sister was breastfed until age three and slept in the parental bed till age six is going too far. In itself, those things are not sex abuse and to allege that would be very hurtful to your family and would anger them.
Have you sought counseling?
It seems like you have a lot of stuff to sort out.
The welfare of your son should be Number One in your life - not finishing school at the expense of having a relationship with him.
You also downplayed the alcohol abuse that you mentioned. I wonder how much of a factor that is.
Maxwell82 Thank you for sharing your story. So sad. I too have found spirituality that helps me grow. I hope your healing continues.
Nightlysparrow Thank you for your understanding. I need compassion and your post made me feel welcomed.
Imcurious You have certainly shed some other light on the subject. I am a victim of horrible acts of abuse, and have always went back hoping for the best but finding myself in the midst of the same problems I ran from in the first place. In order to stop this I must cut it off. It makes me sick! I appreciate your concern in my not owning my problems. In this enlightment I realize that I have toxic tenancies myself. It's really all I know. The important thing is that I can identify this need, grow my strengths, and learn from my mistakes. I have also never personally acused sexual abuse, just fear it. I must clarify that I suspect that both of my sister's suffered sexual abuse by their partners. I agree that breastfeeding 3 years is no problem, however my youngest sister slept in my parent's bed until age 10 maybe older, every night is not normal. There are many other reasons for this but I will not elaborate as it would be hurtful, if unfounded. The welfare of my son is number one, reason number one for my final decision to let go. He will realize, did I mention he will be 18 in less than 2 years? Finishing school has nothing to do with my relationship with him. Are you saying that if I didn't want to finish school for myself none of this would have happened? This is just part of what drove my mother into her toxic, manipulative tantrum. As for the alcohol abuse statement....? I owned this, my husband got intoxicated. Yes he overdid it. In fact I never saw him like he was that day. Does this give my father the ok to physically abuse me, using it as a stepping stone of lies and deceit.
You should seriously be telling all of this to a professional therapist and not posting it on a public forum. There is no one here who can help you work through all of whatever it is you wrote about. I did not read it however, I know for sure you will not work through anything properly posting on a random internet forum.
Maxwell82 Thank you for sharing your story. So sad. I too have found spirituality that helps me grow. I hope your healing continues.
Nightlysparrow Thank you for your understanding. I need compassion and your post made me feel welcomed.
Imcurious You have certainly shed some other light on the subject. I am a victim of horrible acts of abuse, and have always went back hoping for the best but finding myself in the midst of the same problems I ran from in the first place. In order to stop this I must cut it off. It makes me sick! I appreciate your concern in my not owning my problems. In this enlightment I realize that I have toxic tenancies myself. It's really all I know. The important thing is that I can identify this need, grow my strengths, and learn from my mistakes. I have also never personally acused sexual abuse, just fear it. I must clarify that I suspect that both of my sister's suffered sexual abuse by their partners. I agree that breastfeeding 3 years is no problem, however my youngest sister slept in my parent's bed until age 10 maybe older, every night is not normal. There are many other reasons for this but I will not elaborate as it would be hurtful, if unfounded. The welfare of my son is number one, reason number one for my final decision to let go. He will realize, did I mention he will be 18 in less than 2 years? Finishing school has nothing to do with my relationship with him. Are you saying that if I didn't want to finish school for myself none of this would have happened? This is just part of what drove my mother into her toxic, manipulative tantrum. As for the alcohol abuse statement....? I owned this, my husband got intoxicated. Yes he overdid it. In fact I never saw him like he was that day. Does this give my father the ok to physically abuse me, using it as a stepping stone of lies and deceit.
Like I said, I am not really clear about your story. I am glad you are taking ownership of your issues. I know nothing about your son and how your relationship with him relates to anything. I do believe your son's welfare should be your Number One priority. That is just my opinion. I think it would be helpful to you to speak to a therapist. I do wish you the best!
You should seriously be telling all of this to a professional therapist and not posting it on a public forum. There is no one here who can help you work through all of whatever it is you wrote about. I did not read it however, I know for sure you will not work through anything properly posting on a random internet forum.
I am getting professional help. I am not looking for a cure here. I was hoping to find others who have been in similar situations and what worked for them. Thanks for the concern.
I come from a very similar family as yours and suffered through much worse. The best I can tell you is to remove toxic people from your life completely. If there are some family members that you love, keep them in your life. You have the right to make that choice. Only you need to be clear with them and let them know that you will not speak to XY and Z. For years I thought it was all or nothing. Those that I wanted to keep in touch with completely understood.
You will need counseling. If for nothing else to learn the proper way to be angry without abuse and violence. You also need to be reassured that you deserve better. That's sometimes the hardest lesson to learn.
I come from a very similar family as yours and suffered through much worse. The best I can tell you is to remove toxic people from your life completely. If there are some family members that you love, keep them in your life. You have the right to make that choice. Only you need to be clear with them and let them know that you will not speak to XY and Z. For years I thought it was all or nothing. Those that I wanted to keep in touch with completely understood.
You will need counseling. If for nothing else to learn the proper way to be angry without abuse and violence. You also need to be reassured that you deserve better. That's sometimes the hardest lesson to learn.
Best of luck to you.
Thank You. For now I am going to have to cut all off except of course my son. My mother will pit between any other family members I keep in touch with so for now its best. I really hope to have a relationship with some family members in the future but now in protection mode. Keeping healthy boundaries no matter what seems to be key, and I am working on that.
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