I Can't Feel My Feelings (depression, quit, sleep, insurance)

[rpc1]

***This post is an attempt to communicate with either mental health professionals who may be perusing this forum. It's not at all that non-professionals lack truly sage relationship advice; in fact, the contrary is often true However, I'm experiencing a legitimate clinical malady of some kind and am seeking clinical counsel. Lacking health insurance, my hope is that one of the therapists who frequent this site will step in and help. Thanks for understanding.***

In early 2009, my sister died, losing her second battle with breast cancer and leaving behind her four-year-old son. Having been a very serious, very fundamentalist Christian prior to her death, I began a book-reading foray on the topic of Christianity; a foray that really still hasn't ended. I researched the Christian religion, religion in general, philosophy, history and constant science, and I realized that I could not rationally believe in even the most central claims of Christianity any longer. I became an atheist. And while most atheists are evidently satisfied with their stance on religion, I spiraled in to a faith crisis. I concluded that there were no intervening forces in the universe, no purpose to things and nothing but dumb luck and superior fitness dictating the affairs of mankind on planet Earth. My map of the world was destroyed. I was unhinged. Nothing made sense any more.

Just a few months later, I met a girl. I had always had a supremely deep longing for that profound connection with a woman that I assume all (heterosexual) guys dream of, and when I met Megan, even those dreams went out the window, being exceeded by the sacredness of the feelings I had for her. It was like I had met a woman for the very first time. When we were together, so many of my personal struggles would melt away. I went out on the ultimate limb; I gave her my heart in total vulnerability. And she protected it. I couldn't believe it: the more I let her in, the more she loved me. It was the most beautiful, sacred, wholesome, "right" thing I've ever experienced.

So I sabotaged the relationship.

This is where I want to be clear about what I'm looking for here: I'm not looking for a discussion what I did wrong; in fact, I won't discuss that. It's not on the table. It's nobody's business. Attempts to discuss it will be respectfully ignored. Thanks for understanding.

My problem is that, in the months following the loss of the relationship, I slipped in to a place so intensely painful and so dark that I still feel, when I think back on it, surprised that I survived it. I lost nine pounds in the week following our break-up. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I cried until my eyes were bloodshot. It was like I was on fire and couldn't put it out. I even had some difficulty breathing in the days right after I lost her. I've known such pain. It struck the very core of who I am. I was devastated. A non-alcoholic, I began drinking alcohol frantically. I drank all day, every day. I spiraled out of control. I tried to hang myself about a month after the break-up. I was able to pull myself up and loosen the rope after I began hanging. (I don't know what anybody else's experience has been with that, but I began losing consciousness instantly, which put me in fight-or-flight mode). Importantly, the entire sensation of distress was at least doubled by the absence of religious faith; every time I attempted to console myself by saying, "There's a reason for this, and it's all for the good," I found myself parrying with, "Actually, there's no reason at all for this, and there may or may not be a better future on the horizon."

In the years following these events, I stayed unhinged. I quit my job and moved to Maui. I left Maui and moved to Oregon. I left Oregon and moved (back) to Washington. I left Washington and moved to Austin, Texas. I left Austin for Maui one morning, but had a layover in Sacramento and decided to stay there. I left Sacramento and moved to LA. I left LA and took a job on a cruise ship in the Mediterranean. I left the cruise ship for Sacramento, and here I am. I never directly realized it, but I've been running around the globe, trying to find some peace again.

The reason I'm writing all of this is to lay the ground work for the real problem, which is that I can't feel my feelings. In the months immediately following everything that happened in 2009, I had to learn to simply not feel my feelings. I had to do it to survive. And it's not that I can't feel ANYTHING; I can still feel emotions. They're stunted, though, like scar tissue on skin. I can feel generic emotional sensations, but nothing full-force. And to be honest, it seems like all I really feel strongly any more are anger, hopelessness and depression. By far - by a long shot - the emotions that have been stunted the most are the emotions that come from connecting with a woman. I've had multiple relationships since I lost Megan, but I've simply never felt anything. My emotions are as dead as a door nail. I tried to tell myself I was feeling love and connection, but I really haven't. And my whole purpose in writing this is that I'm really scared that I'll never feel love again. In fact, though only one other person on Earth knows this, I physically go limp when I'm having sex, because there's just no connection to my heart. Those tender, sacred feelings are as numb as a paralyzed limb. I don't mean this figuratively; I mean that my emotions have literally, LITERALLY gone numb.

Has this happened before? (I assume that it has, but a Google search on phrases like "I can't feel my feelings" invariably link to articles about clinical depression, which may be3 a feature of what's going on with me, but certainly doesn't account for all of it). Is there a fix for this? Will sensation return, or am I stuck this way?

It's been four years.

[Snort]

Feeling are scary and people "turn off" to avoid facing them.
You could use a good guide (therapist) to feel all your feelings down to the marrow, both good and bad, so you can start living again instead of using escapism as a way out (suicide being the ultimate form).

[psichick]

I so understand. 13 years ago, I met a man that just blew my world away. I truly felt like he was a soulmate. When we ended things, I wanted to die. I literally almost did die. I really do believe people can die from heartache. I did a lot of soul searching after I somewhat recovered.

But here's the thing. I met a man, who I eventually married. 10 years later, I divorced him. After I divorced him, I started to finally see how shut down I was. Like you, I felt nothing. Well, I felt some sort of friendship, for my XH, but definitely not love. I didn't feel happy, sad, angry, etc. You said it perfectly, I felt muted.

I think you need to face some of your demons, to be able to find yourself again. You may have to start doing things that you absolutely love. That actually brings joy to your life. 5 years prior to getting divorced, I started doing dog agility. I thought it was something I loved and enjoyed. I realized later, it was something I did to ignore my XH, since the dog was the focus.

4 months after my divorce was finalized, my co-worker asked me out. I didn't want to go down that route again, as I've dated co-workers before and it's never a good thing, especially considering how closely I worked with him. But, I figured, why not. Go have fun, go out. Here's the good and the bad. We hit it off.

I never thought I would ever find anyone that could surpass that soulmate from 13 years ago. I was wrong. This man, my co-worker, was everything I didn't even know I wanted and needed. Guess what happened? The floodgates of emotions opened up. It wasn't a pretty sight. Emotionally, I was feeling everything now. Very deeply. And I was a total basket case. I didn't know how to handle my deep emotions, because I had suppressed them for so long. I completely opened myself up to this man. Completely. Never felt this way about anyone in my life, ever.

But here's the thing. Next thing I knew, because I couldn't handle my emotions, I also couldn't handle all the crap going on in my life (especially with my job). I started going to therapy, but that didn't really help much. 8 months later, I snapped and walked out on my job. Literally. Just grabbed my purse and went home. But it didn't stop there. I went home, grabbed my gun, got in my car and started driving out to the desert to go kill myself. I couldn't deal with the emotions. Couldn't handle them at all. I wanted them to just go away like it was before. BF helped me get myself under control. But I still had a very hard time dealing with my life. So, I went to the one place that always brought me peace. I moved to Oregon. Left my BF behind, so I could find my sanity. I finally feel at peace. But I think it's because I'm not having to deal with people.

So, yes, this has happened. My emotions came back and it was not good. I don't think you're stuck, but at the same time, I honestly don't know what will help you find them. For me, starting to do what I really wanted to do (which was to be alone, truly alone), helped me connect with myself again. I think you need to connect with the true you. Only then will the emotions at least start to come back.

I honestly believe, had I not gone out with BF, my emotions would have come back, but at much slower pace. Going out with my friends was bringing me back slowly, because I enjoyed being with them....finally. Even at work, people noticed I was happier (pre-BF, but post-divorce). They would comment how I seemed to be coming out of my shell. I was joking more, laughing, and more approachable. Sad, but true. Had BF not opened the floodgates, I probably wouldn't have snapped.

I hope that helps some. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss this further.

[purehuman]

You feel that you "can't feel my feelings" because you've locked them far away inside. You don't want to feel..I believe you sabotaged your relationship with Megan because you couldn't allow her to love someone who doesn't love themselves...Maybe she was the proof to you that you really can be lovable. Maybe her loving you is something you've refused to believe can be true, so you've rejected it, and anyone else who might want to be that close....The best thing (I feel) that you can do for yourself is to learn to accept and love YOU, and to forgive yourself for any "wrong doings",or mistakes you've made in the past....When you're willing to believe that you're not a bad person, and learn to love who YOU are, you'll be more open to sharing yourself with another.

[bridget2911]

I believe that you pushed Megan away from fear of losing her and while you still lost her you lost her on your terms she was not taken away from you like your sister was. I have survived an attempted suicide I know what it's like to be completely empty and alone even when surrounded by people who loved me and needed me, like nothing and no one can touch me, ice cold empty numbness. I also get your rage and sense of betrayal towards God, if he loves us so much why does he allow us to go through so much suffering? WTF? I have literally thrown myself on the floor beat my fists and screamed things at God that no one should ever say to anyone and he took it, and he loved me still ,he did not condemn me tell me to f" off he just loved me anyway. the truth is he can only reach some of us when we have nothing left no pride, arrogance, no more faith in our own strength, intelligence and determination.because we don't need him or want him, when we need him more than we can ever imagine. Unfortunately we live in a fallen world,our first parent screwed it up when they ignored Gods words and forgot who he was, the people after Noah screwed up when they again ignored the words and love of God, as did every person who ever lived with few exceptions. we live with stuff disease pain and destruction because of them and because we continue to be selfish and foolish and ungrateful....SO if the average lifespan is 70 years and we are offered endless time thereafter, what is a measly 70 years of suffering compared to endless joy? IF YOU HAVE STUDIED RELIGION , DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE EVOLUTION AS ANOTHER RELIGION WHERE THE FACTS DON'T ADD UP.......you were made to love and be loved by a creator above all.... AND NO MATTER WHAT HE STILL LOVES YOU A LOT!

[christina0001]

No ethical mental health professional would attempt to provide services through an online public forum such as this one.

I would suggest contacted the social work department at your nearest hospital, and requesting information on resources for sliding scale/low cost counseling.

[stepka]

Originally Posted by bridget2911

I believe that you pushed Megan away from fear of losing her and while you still lost her you lost her on your terms she was not taken away from you like your sister was

..SO if the average lifespan is 70 years and we are offered endless time thereafter, what is a measly 70 years of suffering compared to endless joy? IF YOU HAVE STUDIED RELIGION , DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE EVOLUTION AS ANOTHER RELIGION WHERE THE FACTS DON'T ADD UP.......you were made to love and be loved by a creator above all.... AND NO MATTER WHAT HE STILL LOVES YOU A LOT!

I was thinking he pushed her away because he didn't feel he deserved her. Didn't deserve happiness.

[imcurious]

There are many, many ways to reconnect with your feelings: Bodywork, EFT, dreamwork . . . many active "depth psychology" therapeutic modalities. Not talk therapy - talk therapy will just make the negative neuropaths in your brain deeper and more ingrained. You need a month at Esalen or something.