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Things are going really wrong around me. I cant stop ranting to my husband, who is pulling away from me completely. I feel absolutely wronged and persecuted..not a good attitude to have. Yet, I feel it really is so. He has done some very nasty things, and I am traumatized. I believe I have PTSD from these things, and he doesnt understand or care as to why I cannot just "get over" it all. Anyway, I have three young children, we live in poverty. I am still going to school at the university, and I am set to graduate summer or december next year. I dont feel comfortable leaving my kids with anybody, I am one of those people who believes in all the attachment research out there. My convictions in that department are very strong. My youngest is 9 months old. Next year she will be at an age to go to daycare so I can work a job. I hate staying home. I didnt used to, but now, I am fed up with my kids. It isnt them, I am just burnt out. I dont get breaks from them because the 9 month old is going through the stranger anxiety phase, and anyway my support (ha) is limited. I am very much alone. I dont make friends easily because I dont really see the point anymore. Havent in a long time. I prefer to do things with my husband in the hopes all this pain will heal. But he avoids me, and we end up spending no time together no matter how much I beg him to. I dont enjoy anything anymore. I used to be an avid scrapbooker, but havent touched them in almost a year. I will probably have no concrete memories to look back on for my daughter. Imagining the guilt I will feel for this in the future makes me ANGRY... My husband has messed with my head for so, so long. We are improving now, a little...but it doesnt change whats already happened. I wish I could just go and work on the scrapbooks. But instead, this ANGER wells up within me and I CANT STAND to even look at them. WHAT IS THIS? Tonight I got dressed up for a "date night" with the hubby. Unexpectedly, his best friend he has known 19 years called to say he was in town. They havent seen eachother in 3 years, so they are hanging out now. I am sitting here, all dressed up with my hair and makeup done...my youngest is pulling on lamp cords and fussing, and my oldest are due to be dropped off from the inlaws in 10 minutes. I am about to scream. I have had it with this life. What are my options now? After everything my husband did to me, after everything I was FORCED to take on...he now lives a life of doing whatever the heck it is he wants. I am sidelined and unimportant. No one calls to see how Im doing. I am all alone. I have thought of drinking or using drugs just to make the pain subside a while. Because this is SO SO unbearable. Help someone...if you can. Thank you...
Last year, I went through something horrific but I will share with you what I did in my quiet moments or times I needed a break -
When I got up in the morning, I thought of 3 things to be thankful for - sometimes, they were little things like - wow, there's enough shampoo for me to wash my hair today (think of all those that go without), the sun is starting to shine and I do have a roof over my head.
I also leaned on my faith and just tried to take one day, one moment at a time. You have 3 children - they depend on you and will give you much joy over the years. So many yearn for children in their lives; they can be a blessing.
When I went to bed, I thought of 6 things I was thankful for - small things but they got me thinking positively so I was able to fall into a deep, restful sleep.
You are doing some positive things - stay in school - you are very close to finishing. That degree will make things easier on you. I also found that being flexible was important - it took the anger feelings out of me and put them somewhere else.
I also get inspirational verses e-mailed to me each day so send me your e-mail and I'll send you a couple of those.
Last year, I went through something horrific but I will share with you what I did in my quiet moments or times I needed a break -
When I got up in the morning, I thought of 3 things to be thankful for - sometimes, they were little things like - wow, there's enough shampoo for me to wash my hair today (think of all those that go without), the sun is starting to shine and I do have a roof over my head.
I also leaned on my faith and just tried to take one day, one moment at a time. You have 3 children - they depend on you and will give you much joy over the years. So many yearn for children in their lives; they can be a blessing.
When I went to bed, I thought of 6 things I was thankful for - small things but they got me thinking positively so I was able to fall into a deep, restful sleep.
You are doing some positive things - stay in school - you are very close to finishing. That degree will make things easier on you. I also found that being flexible was important - it took the anger feelings out of me and put them somewhere else.
I also get inspirational verses e-mailed to me each day so send me your e-mail and I'll send you a couple of those.
Bette, This is great. Thank you for putting this out there. It's a breath of fresh air, just thinking of the things we are grateful for.
Is there any way at all you can get away and stay with someone, even for a few days? I find when I feel like this the only thing that helps is to physically get myself away for at least a few days. Gives you perspective. Gives them perspective.
Sounds like you need to seek some counseling to work out your anger issues with your husband. Depression and anxiety can be anger turned inward. You're under a lot of stress between school, 3 kids, and a clueless husband. Get some help for yourself- many health insurance packages include counseling.
You need life outside of home. Right now you're so focused on in the home and it's making you sick.
In regards to your husband, I got a great piece of advice one time and I will share it with you. It turned the lights on for me and I hope it does the same for you.
You cannot make anyone else feel anything. You can only make decisions for yourself and decide what you will feel and what you will or will not accept. You make choices. You choose to be angry or hurt or happy or sad. That choice is yours. You simply cannot choose for others.
Asking yourself why he can't see things is pointless. Instead ask how you can be happier. If you choose to be happy, you need to do things to get yourself to that place. You can do this and ONLY you can.
A lot crashing around for you, but since you are at school, can you go to the student health service and set up an appointment? Just talking to someone regularly who is on your side might help you clarify what you want to do and how you want to do it. Or perhpas it would be sharing in a group situation. The point is that being isolated is not a good idea for anyone under stress and if you have no close relatives or friends nearby you need to find someone, even if you have to pay a few dollars to do so. You made a start by reaching out here. Now reach further. And good luck to you.
Husbands can do some really crappy things and think they're doing it because they know what's best for you.
When I was pregnant with my second child, my husband said I had to get my tubes tied when she was born, or I would get home from the hospital and find all my belongings in the street and the locks changed. I believed him, and he had made me quit my job during the pregnancy, so I felt trapped. I had the surgery and I've regretted it ever since. He says he did it for my own good, because both of my pregnancies were high risk. He also said he was never going to be able to afford a third child. I understood his reasoning, but it was such a personal decision to have him make for me. He was also depressed when I was pregnant, and he would call and cuss me out for hours while he was at work. Once he was over the depression and acting like a human being again, he started trying to rebuild our relationship but it was so hard for me to learn to trust him again.
We came to a point in our relationship where I had to make a decision...either forgive my husband for the past and start working on a future together, or get a divorce. Being so angry at him all the time wasn't good for me and it wasn't good for my kids. I think you might be at that point right now...either you need to start trying to let the past go, or you need to let your husband go. If you can't talk to him about what's bothering you in the present without bringing up whatever's happened in the past (which can't be changed), you'll be stuck in a cycle of always being mad at him and never being able to resolve things.
The one question that finally arrived in my head was "why is it that I want a man who repeatedly disregards my feelings , relational reciprocity being next to zero. I felt like a china doll on the shelf.
Yet I was in pain because I didn't want to loose him. But what was I fearing to loose? painful rejection , being ignored, being told your crazy along with no attempt to be apart of my life or the kids. Why do I allow it , and why do I equate love with any of this was my question to me. Put all my energy towards this instead of nagging him and getting frustrated at failed attempts to change him.
There has been tons of change in my life from this point on and he's no longer part of it. I found that I didn't value myself and the above was a painful wake up call to the reality of this. Reality need never change its we that need to.
Thank you, everyone. I appreciate each and every one of your replies. I am thinking deeply on all of your points.
Again, thank you all...
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Take a deep breath....
Thank you
