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As someone mentioned, if you are having suicidal thoughts, go to an emergency room or you could call 911. There are usually mental health clinics that charge on a sliding scale so you might call your state social services office or local hospital to see if they can direct you to such a clinic. Also, you say that you went to a counselor but that it wasn't helping. Realize that the issues you have will not be solved overnight or by taking anti-depressants. If you want a decent job, you'll have to pass a drug test which I'm thinking won't be easy. Make sure your aunt realizes what your issues are with drugs before moving in with her because if she doesn't know, it may not be acceptable, parents might not let you move home and you'll end up in the homeless shelter. You are long ways from being hopeless. A lot of people feel hopeless at 19 not having a direction to go with their life. You are an adult now.
Hi there, I'm sorry you are going through so much stress and feelings of low self worth. Some families have that effect on people.
Here is a website about suicide. Please take the time to read it and seek help if you are truly considering harming yourself.
At 19, you are legally an "adult" and should have access to low cost medical care in your community. You can call any local hospital to you and ask to talk to a social worker that may help you find access to psychiatric care.
In the meantime, if you can get to the library...here are some books that might help.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis
Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Lew, Mike
Not Quite Healed: 40 Truths for Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Murphey, Cecil and Roe, Gary
You have shown great courage and strength by reaching out for help. That is usually the hardest part so be proud that you did that. Now, you just have to take things one day at a time and continue asking for help until you reach your goals.
I have this printed on my fridge and I read it all the time. I hope you find it uplifting as well.
Assuming your friend's Aunt is a good person, accept the sanctuary that her home will offer you. Help around the house to earn your keep, use the time to heal, and to look for a job.
I'm pulling for you, so let us know how you are doing.
I'm 19. I've never done this before but I felt that it's time to seek help on my own. I suffered from incestuous sexual abuse from age 9 - age 18. My abuser was my older brother by 2 yrs, and my father physically abused me in middle school when he saw the only household computers internet history.
My family is religious and they've blamed me for my sexuality, even my brother blamed me. However, he bribed me with money at age 9 when things first started happening. When I was about 2 yrs old, my older brother was abused at 4 yrs old by an older man at our church. I found this out a couple months ago. My parents never told anyone and swept it under the rug. My parents didn't involve law enforcement, and did not give my brother treatment/counseling. That's how the abuse spread to me. They simply told the man to leave the church and never come back. I asked my parents at a age 14 yrs roughly, for counseling, therapy, treatment, but they denied it because the didn't believe in the depression, bipolar, mental illness aspect of things. They're very old fashioned.
My brother was only abused once, but I was abused by him continuously throughout my yrs 9-18. I moved out mid-2013, and that's when they finally took me seriously about getting help. Because when my father beat me, I told him I'd changed and kept the straight front throughout the rest of middle and high school for fear of getting beat again...
I then went to college, got involved in high risk behaviors: reckless driving, unprotected gay sex, spending sprees, and drugs/alcohol. I started smoking marijuana. I'm addicted to it, only meaning for it to be used socially with friends, but that became everyday. I spent a ton of money on it, and then I lost one of my minimum wage jobs. After I lost the first, my self esteem plummeted (not that I had a self esteem in the first place) and I quit my second job having the lowest sales in the store. I only got scheduled once or twice every two weeks so it wasn't worth it.
I then met a wonderful guy and started dating him. He and his brother moved here recently in Aug 2013, and they shared a car. His brother got pulled over without insurance, and the cops took the license plate. Now my boyfriend had no way to work, meaning no way to pay the bills, meaning he'd have to move back home. So I decided to give him rides to and from work so that he could stay here. I quit school, quit the job that I had just gotten at McDonald's when I met him, all so I could be available to give him rides. I didn't mind because he let me stay at his house rent free. I then became isolated in his house, got even more depressed, stopped eating, and lost 35 lbs and became underweight. I'm 6ft, and 130 lbs now.
About a couple weeks ago, I moved back home because I was too stressed out feeling like a caged dog in my boyfriend's house. But unfortunately, I now hate it here at my parents house more than EVER and I'm so depressed that I can't eat, and I cry on a daily basis. My parents keep blaming me, and I resent them because of the decision they made regarding not involving law enforcement in the incident of my brothers abuse. Also the decision of not giving my brother counseling. I was bullied in high school, taken advantage of by moochers who just wanted my money, and now my parents keep telling me I'm going to hell for what I'm doing but none of it is my fault.
Here in lies my main problem. I need to get out of this house. However, my low self esteem, slow work ethic, and horrible job history, have hindered me from getting the high paying job I want. I applied, and got denied the position. I feel utterly worthless in the workplace, and no one wants to hire me. But I need a job to make money and move out. Being in my parents house again, is not good for my mental health. I keep wanting to run away, and they won't let me do drugs here obviously but something's gotta give. I either need a job, or anti depressants. Or both. Because no matter how hard I try to be happy, I can't. I have no health insurance either. And my parents only want me seeing Christian counselors. No psychiatrists.
What do I do? I feel so incompetent, and last Tuesday evening, I parked my car at a McDonald's near a major interstate, and thought about getting out and throwing myself into oncoming traffic. I need help. Please. I hate myself and what I've become. I'm broken, damaged, and I feel like I can't be repaired. I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode any minute... I hate the thought of suicide but I'm very impulsive and the voices in my head telling me I'm nothing can easily persuade me to my death. It's only a matter of time before I go off the deep end, and off myself from this planet.
Now that I'm stuck at home, I'm slipping back into a much worse depression and anxiety. I hate my parents and when either my mom or dad are home, I can barely muster up the courage to go the fridge to grab something to drink. I live in a double wide mobile home and I feel so cramped. I'm still not eating either. I skipped dinner last night, breakfast this morning, and now I left the house with no money for lunch. I'm just breaking down so quickly and faster than ever and I don't know what to do. I also have social anxiety string people in the outside world. I only have two real friends I can count on, one being my best friend and the other my boyfriend. I just need someone to add me because I can't do it in my own. I'm going crazy.
seek a non profit in house treatment preferably long term
it will take time to work through all of this there is help, but you will need to do the foot work don't give up!
I'm not doing too well right now. I began reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as suggested by mjd07. It's a great book with a lot of helpful information, however, it has drawn out many feelings such as anger, denial, anxiety and sadness. I'm not sure if the book is part of why I'm feeling depressed over the last few days or if it's because I just keep hating myself more and more every day.
My parents agreed to let me spend more time with my best friend and her aunt at their house. I've felt a little better about that, but when I'm not home at my parents house I'm still not happy. And now I'm scared that my boyfriend is going to lose interest in me. I went over to his house yesterday afternoon and last night I got depressed as always. We talked a little bit, and he said that he knew I was going to cry at least once when I came over. He said he feels like he's walking on eggshells, and has to watch every word he says to make sure I don't get depressed. Little did he know, him telling me that made me extremely upset. I'm scared of a lot of things though. I'm scared I'll never get a job, even though I've applied to several places. I'm waiting to hear back from them. I'm scared as time goes on, that I'm going to go breakdown even harder, because these feelings are getting worse, day by day.
I'm scared of being a failure... I don't know how to be a good worker. I'm too slow. Too stupid. I forget things in an instant such as where I'm going while driving. More specifically, when I have multiple places to go, I'll forget one of them, or switch the order of the places I need to go.
It's extremely difficult for me to understand social queues or body language. I feel socially inept, and I don't know how to deal with people. I hate to admit that I'm shy, but I am on an extreme level. I get so nervous or anxious when I have to talk to somebody. I don't know how to relate to people...
I'm so stressed out that I pick at my scabs and I have scars all over my body. Mainly my face, chest, back, and arms. Then some on my legs. I can't control the impulse to pick at myself because it brings me relief. I'll notice I'm doing it, but I can't make myself stop. And now it's ruined my self-esteem even more. I'm now ugly on the outside and the inside... congrats to me...
I'm full of self-destructive behaviors...
I still can't bring myself to eat like a normal person. I eat a decent breakfast, snack for lunch, and then skip dinner. I skipped dinner last night again. My boyfriend went to work this morning, so I came back to my area in my car, and now I'm depressed sitting in my car and I'm parked at a park right down the road from my house because my dad is home and I don't want to go back right now. I have no where to go besides my best friends house but she's sleeping and so is her aunt. I just feel like a complete failure. I'm not going to accomplish anything...
It's only a matter of time before I take my life... I'm so incompetent, and I feel crazy because my boyfriend just tells me to be happy and that there's nothing to cry about, but I can't get him to understand that sometimes I'm just sad and I don't know why... I hate myself so much and I can't open up to anyone. I can't let anyone in. I'm too broken. I'm too paranoid and I feel like everyone is out to get me... I'm no longer a functional member of society.
First and most importantly, you need full time counseling; far more than anyone here can give you. Hit the internet or telephone directory and begin seeking help at qualified places. There are places that will help even if you have little to no money.
Second, why is your moving in with your aunt dependent upon your parents permission? At this point, the cold hard truth is, they are not good for you on any level. Why then are you subjecting yourself to what they want? Is it because they are paying for food and the like?
Anti-depressants are not a cure all. They may certainly help in your case but you also need to make changes in yourself and around you to be happy.
Why are you so scared of failing? We all fail. Even the most successful amongst us has failed. And by whose standard are you judging failure? I ask this because when I was your age, I used my families measuring stick. Now, I have my own which also happens to be very different than theirs. Some people measure success by wealth and material accumulation, others by the simple act of being happy with their life.
I don't believe your stupid for one little second. Your writing is too comprehensively good for you to be stupid. Heck, you're not even close though your lack of eating isn't going to help your ability to think or remember. At this point you're stuck in multiple nasty counterproductive little loops.
I've sat in many a parking lot in my time, not because I was suicidal, but because I didn't want to be home. Frankly, the car sounds a lot better than your home. I see no reason at all to feel bad that you'd rather be elsewhere - excepting the suicidal thoughts that come with it for you.
Last but not least, being broken can mean anything you want it to mean in the long run. It doesn't necessarily limit you from anything. I'm as broken as they come. I accept that. I'll tell other people that but it hasn't stopped me from making a life or being happy. To tell you the absolute truth, there are a lot more broken people in this world with a boatload of crap in their pasts than we ever talk about as a society. You're not half as alone as you think yourself.
Again, you are talking about suicide. Go to the hospital. Your life is worth more than any hospital bill.
First, sit down with your parents and tell them you have been seriously thinking about taking your life. You will not get help unless you ASK for it. Let them take over. If the won't call a crisis line or go to the ER.
Depression is a monster. It whispers lies into your ear. Don't you want to shut down that voice? There is treatment.
One thing to remember is that it is ok to be afraid. Everybody gets scared-especially when they start a new chapter in their life. You appear to be at a crossroads. You are trying to figure out what road to take and that is very scary. But, don't let your fear stop you from taking a road that will lead you away from your toxic environment. Suicidal thoughts are not the answer. Call a suicide hotline or go to a hospital. Even without insurance, a hospital can not refuse you.
There is help out there you just have to know where to find it. Posting here is the FIRST step but not the last. None of us can really help you-only YOU can help yourself. We can give you advice but YOU have to take that advice and actually do something with it. Help is out there. Please don't give up.
I've been crying all night... I took both my fists and started hitting myself on the sides of my head repeatedly until I started crying. I stopped crying and then I started crying again...
I'm so worthless, and I will never accomplish anything in my life... my social anxiety is ruining my life. I can't relate to people. I'm paranoid, avoidant, and I'm unapproachable. People have called me cold and distant. They've joked that I have no emotions. But I feel like it's true... sometimes I just feel empty. Blank. No expressions on my face. People say I always look mad or sad too when I just have a normal expression...
No one gives a **** about me besides my boyfriend and best friend. I can't get a job. My last job, I had the worst sales in the store. I'm good for nothing...
I've been crying all night... I took both my fists and started hitting myself on the sides of my head repeatedly until I started crying. I stopped crying and then I started crying again...
I'm so worthless, and I will never accomplish anything in my life... my social anxiety is ruining my life. I can't relate to people. I'm paranoid, avoidant, and I'm unapproachable. People have called me cold and distant. They've joked that I have no emotions. But I feel like it's true... sometimes I just feel empty. Blank. No expressions on my face. People say I always look mad or sad too when I just have a normal expression...
No one gives a **** about me besides my boyfriend and best friend. I can't get a job. My last job, I had the worst sales in the store. I'm good for nothing...
You ARE good for many things, you just don't know it or believe it yet honey.
You are suffering terribly, and I'm so sorry.
I know right now it feels like there is nothing but misery and pain in your life, but it really can get better!
Do you have a therapist? Are you on any medications?
There are things you can do to put yourself on a better happier path, but, you have to choose to do them!
Seek some professional help and find the life you deserve to have, please.
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