Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
SGrey, before you think that I'm just not willing to receive the help my parents have given me, hear me out.
I've gone to church every Sunday of my life until I was 18. I NEVER went to public school. I was in private Christian schools k-12. I have faith in God, but my issues are keeping me from truly trusting in Him completely. And that is because of all the guilt and shame that already comes with child sexual abuse. Now, I don't just want meds. I want a psychiatrist, who can prescribe medication for a specific thing that I'm not sure if I have mentioned yet, as well as for depression and anxiety etc. I have a skin/scab picking disorder. This causes me A LOT of stress, and it ruins my self-image everytime I catch myself doing it. That is because being a gay male, I'm very concerned with the way I present myself, the way I dress, the way I do my hair. Theirs always a method to the madness. However, it ruins my self-image because when I pick, it leaves nasty scars, all over my face, chest, back, arms, and ankles. When I do it, I will later look in the mirror and come to the conclusion that my scars have made my skin ugly and damaged.
I also am only refusing to accept counseling over Skype because it IS very depersonalized. And I'd like a psychiatrist to help me on medical standpoint, but not JUST a medical standpoint. I want a psychiatrist to help me cope, and to help me come out of my shell as a person. I've always been extremely shy, and it's difficult for me to interact with strangers or unfamiliar people. Part of working for a company is solely based on that, because it's all about the customer. How am I supposed to do a good job at work if I can barely even speak to my own parents? This is the only reason why I'm choosing to apply to McDonald's now. It's an easy starting point for many, but it sucks. No one wants to flip burgers, but now I have to because everyone else keeps turning me down when I apply...
I also just woke up from a VERY VIVID AND REALISTIC FEELING dream. The whole dream was about my father yelling at me, this time in front of my friends. He wanted to see my phone and I said no. At the dinner table, again in front of my friends, he yells "Who are you ****ing?!" I didn't answer and just scooted away from him in my chair as I kept eating. Again, he yells the same thing over and over. "Who's ****ing you?!!!" At that point I was so ashamed that I started to pack some things in a backpack and tried to leave in my car, but he jumped in too quickly. Long story short, he wouldn't let me get in or start my car. So I ran down the country road I live on towards my best friends house, screaming at anyone for help. No one did a thing besides call the cops. One cop car finally came after about ten minutes of my father chasing me. But when I reached the main road, I saw the cop car crashed head on into a tree because it was raining. Then my father got closer to me and he had a knife. I picked up a long flimsy piece of metal, and began slashing it at him using the sharp edge like a sword. The dream lasted a little longer but that's all I remember.
I've been having dreams of my father yelling at me frequently in the past week, but none of them were like this.
I spoke with the Skype counselor, and I didn't like him. And also, SGrey, don't use a measly paragraph to predict what you think is going on when I have written much larger posts. I want therapy from a psychiatrist as well as medication. I know there are underlying prolems, but Hopes could be right. I may have just a chemical imbalance, but I'm not ruling everything else out.
If I really didn't want any help at all, why would I be here posting? I'm posting for moral support because I don't have a large support system... so before you go judging what I want, take into consideration that you only know a part of the puzzle. There's a lot more to it.
Hopes, thank you for defending me. I would have been pretty upset if someone hadn't.
SGrey, no hard feelings. I appreciate the thought, but be careful being blunt.
I am staying at my best friends house with her aunt, off and on. I stay here 3-4 days a week. I spoke with her aunt last night and she's going to get me set up on county insurance that is completely free and provides doctors, psychiatrists, and medication at no cost. I'm hoping I qualify, which she thinks I will because I have no income, but this could really be the help I'm looking for.
To those I didn't mention, I still greatly appreciate your thoughts and support. I'll be sure to keep posting and updating.
Please keep us updated. It seems you're on the right track and know what you want, and you're choosing to take on your problems now rather than after years of depression, drug abuse and who knows what else. Hopefully you'll connect with a good psychiatrist soon who can help you work out your feelings over what happened during your childhood and you can be the kickass person that's hiding beneath all the muck
So today my best friends aunt is taking me to apply for the no cost county health insurance, and I'm pretty excited about that. I'm also excited to apply to McDonald's right after I apply for the insurance. I'm hoping now that if I get the insurance and get this job I'll be a lot happier. A source of income and health insurance should get my mind at ease. Whether I get the insurance or not, I'll still definitely get the job bc I talked to my friend that works there and he is the hiring manager.
So today my best friends aunt is taking me to apply for the no cost county health insurance, and I'm pretty excited about that. I'm also excited to apply to McDonald's right after I apply for the insurance. I'm hoping now that if I get the insurance and get this job I'll be a lot happier. A source of income and health insurance should get my mind at ease. Whether I get the insurance or not, I'll still definitely get the job bc I talked to my friend that works there and he is the hiring manager.
Wish me luck!
Wishing you good luck and praying for your peace and healing
There are too many issues to solve all of them at once. Take then one step at a time. Do the easy ones first. Forgot about incest, that is not a current issue, it is just baggage you are carrying around, magnified by perceptions. Lots of people have all kinds of past history, you just have to move on to the present and the future.
Then the marijuana -- you must have a supplier -- just stop associating with anybody that is using. You are surrounded by toxic friends and family and you need to get away from that peer pressure. Try to find new friends who are not victims.
You're obviously intelligent, you write articulately and with good literacy. Get a grant or student loan and to to the community college. You are educable. Get out of your past -- shift your thinking from what you should have done, to what you should do.
Obviously, what I suggested is not a whole answer, but just getting over one small hurdle will give you a sense that you re getting somewhere.
Then the marijuana -- you must have a supplier -- just stop associating with anybody that is using. You are surrounded by toxic friends and family and you need to get away from that peer pressure. Try to find new friends who are not victims.
You're obviously intelligent, you write articulately and with good literacy. Get a grant or student loan and to to the community college. You are educable. Get out of your past -- shift your thinking from what you should have done, to what you should do.
I'm going back to community college in the summer, but as far as the marijuana, that would be extremely hard for me to stop hanging around the people that do it, only because that one person is my boyfriend. I see him about two days a week, and I haven't had any money to buy it so I've greatly reduced the amount of smoking a lot. I used to smoke everyday. It'd be hard though because I love my boyfriend so much and smoking calms my nerves and I feel like it's the only thing that brings me peace at times. If I don't smoke, my mind takes me to places I don't want to go. It scares me sometimes because without it I start thinking about suicide. Last night driving home, I just thought about speeding up and slamming my car into a tree or a light post and just making it look like an accident. That way if I did die, it'd be pretty instant and I'd feel better leaving this earth as an accident rather than purposely, like a gun or jumping off of something.
I'm confused as to what I should do as far as health insurance, because they sent me the paperwork to fill out, but in that paperwork there is a reimbursement agreement that I'd have to sign saying I'd have to pay all of it back, which is not the way I thought it worked. Of course, nothing is free but I'm just afraid of how much all of it will cost me later in life.
Also, what do you mean by stop associating with people who are victims? How am I supposed to tell?
I'm sorry for not coming back to your thread sooner. I have had email troubles and did not get notifications for this thread.
I haven't forgotten about you though and I'm glad I found this thread again. I'm sorry the book recommendation was upsetting for you. I can imagine how frustrating it's been to see your experiences in writing like that. Maybe it is a good idea to not delve into books until you find a competent and caring therapist to help you through them.
I have never heard of having to reimburse for services but each place has different rules, apparently. It could just be a way to make people pause and think about what services they actually need instead of just taking whatever is available just because it's free.
I don't know where you are but if you type "Access to care" in a search engine, you should be able to find resources available to you. I don't recall the name, but I have heard of psychiatrists offering services and prescriptions for anti-depressant medications through monthly clinics. It probably depends on how large the population is and how many people in a given area "fall through the cracks" obtaining access to mental health services. It's worth looking into, regardless.
As others have said, it's important to not limit yourself to a specific treatment plan. Medications might help and they might not, but that doesn't mean that other treatment options are not a viable solution. One such treatment could be EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I have taken medications, seen a therapist and tried EMDR and ALL of them were helpful in some ways. I never ruled out any option back when I was in that dark place you are currently in because I figured that ANY option was better than my death. The reality is there is no "quick" fix to the types of problems you are facing (and that I faced and I'm sure others have faced). Healing is a JOURNEY and the path there is unique to each individual person. The key is exploring all options and finding what works best for you.
I hope you find some workable solutions and remember to never give up on yourself, no matter what. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be quick, but it will make you stronger and resilient. You just have to make it through one day (one hour, one minute) at a time.
I have some major anxiety right now, and my heart is racing. My boyfriend told me last night that he's basically in this relationship because he's afraid of being alone. That really scares me. Now I don't even know if he really loved me or not. I can't tell if the past 8 months have been real or not. I sacrificed so much to be with him. I gave him so much. I loved him so much. I thought he loved me too, but now I'm really starting to doubt that. These were some of his exact words, "I'm afraid of being alone. That's what boyfriends are for," while crying. I didn't really know why he was crying but apparently it was about a lot of stuff. He says he bottles up his emotions on purpose and doesn't let it out to anyone. Not even me. I barely ever see him cry. I cry all the time. He's seen my cry all the time. I come to him with my issues but he just doesn't confront them. He just lets them sit, and he doesn't do anything about it. He said he hates his life right now because he moved down to Tampa from Ft. Walton in August of 2013, which is the same month I met him. We've been dating since then, and it's been 8 months. He has no friends here. The only person who he has here is his brother, who is certainly not a nice person. He's controlling over money with Austin and rent and bills. His brother just spends ALL of his money on weed, and then misappropriates Austins money that he works VERY hard for at a big company restaurant locally. His brother was late on rent several times, and didn't pay the electric bill once, and they got the power shut off for the night, and they don't live in a good neighborhood so I took my boyfriend with me to spend the night at my best friends house. He only has a few work friends, and even then he says they're all ignorant people. The only one he hangs out with is a girl, and she only hangs out with him at her convenience.
I think he's really afraid of being single, and I'm not sure what to do now. My heart literally hurts right now. I don't think he's in this for the right reasons. He's in it because he just wants ANYONE. I'm so confused.
Please post your responses quickly. I'm already panicking.
Sounds to me like you would be better off living at a homeless shelter. Might raise your spirits to be around more "normal" people for awhile - that can translate to helping you get a job because you will be more happy when being interviewed.
Also homeless people may have nothing, but notice they are QUITE happy! (Perhaps because they also don't have bills, responsibilities, or problems?)
.........
.
In what universe is this true?!
It might make the OP happier temporarily due to his situation, but this is not a general truth. And I've worked with A LOT of homeless people over the last decade.
One thing to note, is that where this happened to me, was at a college that had an extremely tragic shooting occur pretty recently. I went to the college counselor, so of course, at the slightest demonstration of instability, she overreacted and had me ****ing arrested. Twice.
Not to mention, that those hospital visits are expensive. This kid doesn't have any insurance, and insurance wouldn't pay for it if he did. Think before you write, you ass.[/quote]
Suicidal thoughts does not necessarily mean that you plan to act on those thoughts, but you are a lot closer to doing so than those who do not have those thoughts.
A few other points:
1. In the USA, it is VERY difficult to just "check yourself in" to a hospital. There is the insurance barrier first, lack of beds second and good luck if God forbid you are uninsured.
I've seen people show in in the ER with BAGS PACKED hoping to be admitted yet only to be sent home for various reasons. Not helpful to their depression obviously.
2. There is no reason you should have to be handcuffed to be taken to a psych hospital in the USA unless you were resisting, assaultive, homicidal, acutely psychotic and/or manic. I'm very sorry that happened to you.
.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 01-22-2015 at 01:49 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
