Sexually abused, jobless, weed addicted, estranged from family, and hopeless. (depressed, quit)

[dp22350z]

I'm 19. I've never done this before but I felt that it's time to seek help on my own. I suffered from incestuous sexual abuse from age 9 - age 18. My abuser was my older brother by 2 yrs, and my father physically abused me in middle school when he saw the only household computers internet history.

My family is religious and they've blamed me for my sexuality, even my brother blamed me. However, he bribed me with money at age 9 when things first started happening. When I was about 2 yrs old, my older brother was abused at 4 yrs old by an older man at our church. I found this out a couple months ago. My parents never told anyone and swept it under the rug. My parents didn't involve law enforcement, and did not give my brother treatment/counseling. That's how the abuse spread to me. They simply told the man to leave the church and never come back. I asked my parents at a age 14 yrs roughly, for counseling, therapy, treatment, but they denied it because the didn't believe in the depression, bipolar, mental illness aspect of things. They're very old fashioned.

My brother was only abused once, but I was abused by him continuously throughout my yrs 9-18. I moved out mid-2013, and that's when they finally took me seriously about getting help. Because when my father beat me, I told him I'd changed and kept the straight front throughout the rest of middle and high school for fear of getting beat again...

I then went to college, got involved in high risk behaviors: reckless driving, unprotected gay sex, spending sprees, and drugs/alcohol. I started smoking marijuana. I'm addicted to it, only meaning for it to be used socially with friends, but that became everyday. I spent a ton of money on it, and then I lost one of my minimum wage jobs. After I lost the first, my self esteem plummeted (not that I had a self esteem in the first place) and I quit my second job having the lowest sales in the store. I only got scheduled once or twice every two weeks so it wasn't worth it.

I then met a wonderful guy and started dating him. He and his brother moved here recently in Aug 2013, and they shared a car. His brother got pulled over without insurance, and the cops took the license plate. Now my boyfriend had no way to work, meaning no way to pay the bills, meaning he'd have to move back home. So I decided to give him rides to and from work so that he could stay here. I quit school, quit the job that I had just gotten at McDonald's when I met him, all so I could be available to give him rides. I didn't mind because he let me stay at his house rent free. I then became isolated in his house, got even more depressed, stopped eating, and lost 35 lbs and became underweight. I'm 6ft, and 130 lbs now.

About a couple weeks ago, I moved back home because I was too stressed out feeling like a caged dog in my boyfriend's house. But unfortunately, I now hate it here at my parents house more than EVER and I'm so depressed that I can't eat, and I cry on a daily basis. My parents keep blaming me, and I resent them because of the decision they made regarding not involving law enforcement in the incident of my brothers abuse. Also the decision of not giving my brother counseling. I was bullied in high school, taken advantage of by moochers who just wanted my money, and now my parents keep telling me I'm going to hell for what I'm doing but none of it is my fault.

Here in lies my main problem. I need to get out of this house. However, my low self esteem, slow work ethic, and horrible job history, have hindered me from getting the high paying job I want. I applied, and got denied the position. I feel utterly worthless in the workplace, and no one wants to hire me. But I need a job to make money and move out. Being in my parents house again, is not good for my mental health. I keep wanting to run away, and they won't let me do drugs here obviously but something's gotta give. I either need a job, or anti depressants. Or both. Because no matter how hard I try to be happy, I can't. I have no health insurance either. And my parents only want me seeing Christian counselors. No psychiatrists.

What do I do? I feel so incompetent, and last Tuesday evening, I parked my car at a McDonald's near a major interstate, and thought about getting out and throwing myself into oncoming traffic. I need help. Please. I hate myself and what I've become. I'm broken, damaged, and I feel like I can't be repaired. I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode any minute... I hate the thought of suicide but I'm very impulsive and the voices in my head telling me I'm nothing can easily persuade me to my death. It's only a matter of time before I go off the deep end, and off myself from this planet.

Now that I'm stuck at home, I'm slipping back into a much worse depression and anxiety. I hate my parents and when either my mom or dad are home, I can barely muster up the courage to go the fridge to grab something to drink. I live in a double wide mobile home and I feel so cramped. I'm still not eating either. I skipped dinner last night, breakfast this morning, and now I left the house with no money for lunch. I'm just breaking down so quickly and faster than ever and I don't know what to do. I also have social anxiety string people in the outside world. I only have two real friends I can count on, one being my best friend and the other my boyfriend. I just need someone to add me because I can't do it in my own. I'm going crazy.

[veuvegirl]

Start with small steps changing your life for the better. Go and seek someone to talk to, look at a local church or suicide hotline. Best of luck to you.

[Red_Devil]

Long term: You will need to get a low quality job and use it as a stepping stone for a "high paying job"

Short term: Think of it this way, you are already almost willing to give up. So say ''**** it''. If you try and fail...you are back at where you already are. So screw how your parents feel/treat you because right now you need to take advantage of what they offer: Free food/sleeping space.

Marijuana addiction is no laughing matter but has a very high quitting percentage: After a couple months. In the mean time it's apathy, depression and lack of appetite.

In general, sounds like you live in a crummy city/area. McDonalds, mobile homes, etc. Eventually you are going to have to leave that place behind. Is there anyway to get back on a college campus? That would be the easiest way, take out loans to support yourself. College is your only true path to "high paying job" and possibly a way out of that place.

[Billy_J]

Sounds to me like you would be better off living at a homeless shelter. Might raise your spirits to be around more "normal" people for awhile - that can translate to helping you get a job because you will be more happy when being interviewed.

Also homeless people may have nothing, but notice they are QUITE happy! (Perhaps because they also don't have bills, responsibilities, or problems?)

But anyway get out of that house.

Forget about the past and what your parents did or did not do. Think about the future. You are an EXCELLENT writer and communicator. Look at your wonderful writing above! Plenty of employers out there who can use someone with your skills.

Then so far as getting a job, many job applicants lie a bit (or stretch the truth) on their applications. You may be able to do so as well. Maybe don't mention working at McDonalds for a short period. Just leave it out.

And larger companies have human resources "robots" who will throw out an application because of one tiny thing which does not fit the qualifications for the job. Yet get past them and talk with the person you will be working for, then THEY really like you and it DOES NOT MATTER to them if you only worked at McDonalds for 2 days or whatever. What matters is that you are an excellent writer (Or whatever...) and can do the job they have!

So far as being around your family and other people. I feel someone is good to hang around if they make me feel "good". I leave there and I feel good. Simple!

I went to lunch with a couple of friends the other day and I had a good time. When I drove home, I had a "good" feeling. So those are good people to hang around.

On the other hand there are some people I can hang around with who make me feel bad. I don't like being around them and feel bad after talking with them. That is a clue to distance myself from those people. And I do so! Listen to your feelings.

[zentropa]

Suicidal thoughts = check yourself into a hospital.

[gentlearts]

You have many things going for you. You have an education, and the knowledge that your past choices are working against you.
If I were you, I would get some counseling to get my head straight about the abuse, and how it was not my fault. You had relatives who should have been nurturing you, but instead betrayed you. You will probably need help to get past this, but others have, and so can you.
Stop making bad choices in your habits and in your choice of the company you keep. They are bringing you down.
Get any job you can, get health coverage, and for God's sakes always use a condom.

[MaggieZ]

One huge positive is that you are searching for help now. That you can talk about it. So many go through life and never tell. try counselling via maybe the sheltersystem/social services. Moving out of the area may be a good idea too. A new start may be scary but it can give you a new view on things. Try to surround yourself with positive people who are not mooching. You owe yourself a chance at a happy life.

[lovesMountains]

Please honey, call these people and get some professional advice and help:

RAINN.org | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

Best of luck to you.

[dp22350z]

Billy_J thank you. Great advice. However, I think a homeless shelter would make me feel worse.

Now that you've pointed out one of my strengths, my writing, I've just gotten a small confidence boost, and that is something that I barely ever feel. Now that I realize one of my strengths, I can start putting that on applications.

As for my feelings about good and bad people, you're right. I do need to listen to my feelings before anyone else's.

Here's an update though, my best friend lives with her aunt down the road two minutes from my parents house, and her aunt wants me to move in or stay most of the time with them at their house. She heard that I was being reclusive in my parents house, and being stuck in my room all the time, so now she wants to take care of me. I'm going to ask my parents about it, only because I know they want me home because I'd been gone for 8 months. I'm hoping they'll say it's okay to do so, but if they deny me I'll probably do it anyways.

Zentropa, I've heard they cost a lot of money. I have zero health insurance, and no job currently. My parents would not be willing to pay either.

Gentlearts, I did go to counseling, but I didn't like it, nor did it help me feel better. I want to go to a psychiatrist so I can be properly diagnosed and get prescriptions for anti-depressants. But I've also heard they cost a lot as well..

I don't have sex without a condom anymore. I only do so with my boyfriend of 8 months and we've both been tested for hiv. We're both negative.

LovesMountains, thank you for the link! Looks very helpful.

And thank you, thank you, thank you too all of you who took the time to read or reply.

I'm also new to forums, so I apologize if I didn't get this reply in the correct format. I'm not sure how to reply individually on my mobile phone.

[Billy_J]

Originally Posted by dp22350z

Billy_J thank you. Great advice. However, I think a homeless shelter would make me feel worse.

Now that you've pointed out one of my strengths, my writing, I've just gotten a small confidence boost, and that is something that I barely ever feel. Now that I realize one of my strengths, I can start putting that on applications.

As for my feelings about good and bad people, you're right. I do need to listen to my feelings before anyone else's.

Here's an update though, my best friend lives with her aunt down the road two minutes from my parents house, and her aunt wants me to move in or stay most of the time with them at their house. She heard that I was being reclusive in my parents house, and being stuck in my room all the time, so now she wants to take care of me. I'm going to ask my parents about it, only because I know they want me home because I'd been gone for 8 months. I'm hoping they'll say it's okay to do so, but if they deny me I'll probably do it anyways.

Zentropa, I've heard they cost a lot of money. I have zero health insurance, and no job currently. My parents would not be willing to pay either.

Gentlearts, I did go to counseling, but I didn't like it, nor did it help me feel better. I want to go to a psychiatrist so I can be properly diagnosed and get prescriptions for anti-depressants. But I've also heard they cost a lot as well..

I don't have sex without a condom anymore. I only do so with my boyfriend of 8 months and we've both been tested for hiv. We're both negative.

LovesMountains, thank you for the link! Looks very helpful.

And thank you, thank you, thank you too all of you who took the time to read or reply.

I'm also new to forums, so I apologize if I didn't get this reply in the correct format. I'm not sure how to reply individually on my mobile phone.

See... You get away from home for a bit (posting here) and you are feeling better already!

So just keep that in mind - you will feel better if you get away from that negative environment and hang around with "normal" people. Do move in with your aunt.