Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have been with my boyfriend for about two years, and I thought that I was prepared and had a strong enough spirit to deal with his mental health issues, but I don't know if I can anymore. I have done a ton of research, reached out to professionals, and have been relentlessly empathetic and supportive, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I fear what that means for us, but the fallout from his depression is very damaging to me. We have had a so many issues, and I thought I was being this great person for toughing it out for him/ with him, but I feel like I just want to it forget us and forget this. That scares me. Despite knowing that his depression has nothing to do with me, I can't stand the feelings that arise in me from his pushing me away and not being there for me. He shuts me out, and shuts down his life.
I don't want to feel mixed up anymore. Every other month he has a depressive episode, and it's so hard to see him and talk to him. It is just so hard. I have read so much about this, and have tried to get him some professional help, but I just don't see an end in sight. I know that, perhaps, this will always be with him, but I fear that I am not strong enough or well-equipped to deal with this disease. I always felt that if you love someone, you do everything you can to help them through the storms of life, but this storm comes every other month, and it just wrecks everything.
I just believed so much that I could be a great support system for him, but I feel useless.
You're learning a valuable life lesson. That lesson is that you can't fix people, you can't rescue people.
What are you getting out of this relationship ? Are there shared dreams, a shared vision for life ? Are you working toward future goals together ? Do the two of you have any? Is he supportive of you, is he there for you helping you along life's journey ? Is there any " us" in this relationship or is it all about him and his needs?
Are you a life partner or a nurse, mommy and therapist all rolled into one ? Ask yourself this. Where do you see this relationship several years down the road ? Is this guy marriage material - do you see him owning a home, working around the house,having friends, etc. Do you see him being a father ? What kind of father would he be ? There can be a hereditary component in some depression.Want to chance passing this on ?
I suspect all you're going to see own the road is more of what you see today. Why did you get involved with him to begin with knowing he had ongoing mental health issues ? I would strongly suggest you find yourself a good therapist and find out why you chose this type of relationship. You want to rescue him from himself and that is not the basis for a healthy, adult relationship. A therapist can help you figure why you are involved with this and show you how to not continue to seek out these impossible situations in the future.
It's OK for you to break up with him. There should be no guilt. You're getting stuck in quicksand- it's OK to pull your self out before you're in so deep you lose yourself. There is nothing in this relationship for you. You're wise to begin recognizing that.
My husband was married for 12 years to a woman who suffered with depression. He loved her deeply and she was in therapy and on medication the entire marriage. They did not have children because they both felt her illness would impact kids negatively. Over time, he threw himself into his career and joined hiking clubs for self-fulfillment. He just needed to find stimulation and companionship elsewhere. At age 45, he had a heart attack. It was life-changing for him to come to terms with his mortality and realize his marriage was lonely and sad; and frustrating. The marriage ended and he had an interesting period of time developing a new social life, new hobbies, new friends and dating. We met when he was 52 and he wanted a life partner. He says he is so happy in our marriage and never believed life could be so good in his former marriage.
I hope you don't use another 10 years like he did, living in a see-saw between love, guilt, frustration.
I have been with my boyfriend for about two years, and I thought that I was prepared and had a strong enough spirit to deal with his mental health issues, but I don't know if I can anymore. I have done a ton of research, reached out to professionals, and have been relentlessly empathetic and supportive, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I fear what that means for us, but the fallout from his depression is very damaging to me. We have had a so many issues, and I thought I was being this great person for toughing it out for him/ with him, but I feel like I just want to it forget us and forget this. That scares me. Despite knowing that his depression has nothing to do with me, I can't stand the feelings that arise in me from his pushing me away and not being there for me. He shuts me out, and shuts down his life.
I don't want to feel mixed up anymore. Every other month he has a depressive episode, and it's so hard to see him and talk to him. It is just so hard. I have read so much about this, and have tried to get him some professional help, but I just don't see an end in sight. I know that, perhaps, this will always be with him, but I fear that I am not strong enough or well-equipped to deal with this disease. I always felt that if you love someone, you do everything you can to help them through the storms of life, but this storm comes every other month, and it just wrecks everything.
I just believed so much that I could be a great support system for him, but I feel useless.
you are powerless to "fix" him detaching with love means you step back and let him either get help or suffer the effects of refusing help
it sounds like you need some real space do you live together?
people who refuses help suck in people who "want to help"
trust me I have been all down these dead end roads
it is like the "rocks in their head fir the holes in my head" I am a recovering alcoholic, not saying he is, but also had many other issues depression was one of them
it was not until I "got sick and tired of being sick and tired" it takes, at least for me, a solid way out, I found it in the 12 steps, they have been proven to work for the ones willing to do them in dozens of programs, I went from one relationship to another and always blamed them I failed to examine what caused me to seek them out? What was in me? It took a lot of work but well worth it
hope you make the right choice for you!!
You can lead a horse to water, but you CAN'T make it drink!
And you can suggest your boyfriend get counseling, but if he refuses, there is NOTHING MORE YOU CAN DO!
I think it is a good idea you go get counseling for yourself...
^^This!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
