Self-loathing over losing a key, etc. (dementia, trigger, emotions, feeling)

[Squirl]

For 15 years I have kept my bank safe deposit box key in my home safe. Very diligent about returning it to the precise spot after my (maybe 1-2 x annual) trip to the bank.

About 3 weeks ago I needed access to the box, and then early this week I needed access again and I can't find the key. Its missing so I failed to put it back in its place. I have searched my house, my car, all my pocket books, folders, computer bags, and every pocket in every article of clothing. The bank says no one has turned it in.

Then, preparing for a trip, last night I couldn't find a hat that I haven't used since last year.

I am furious at myself and so frustrated. I find I am so upset with myself that I actually hate me today. Really, really hate myself and am angry with myself beyond reason.

Have you ever felt this way? Is this normal?

[Wild Flower]

Yes! There have been times that I'll lose something and I get soooo angry. The more that happened, the more I saw a pattern. Lose something, realize it, start the search as my emotions escalates. Find the item (if I am lucky) but still be upset! Why? Because, for me it is a trigger of unhealed emotions/ feelings.

Then I started telling myself that it was okay to lose...whatever. But it was not! At first, those words were just words. But as time went on, I'd tell myself it is okay, don't worry and if you worry, okay. Acceptance of any way I was feeling. Go ahead, feel that way, it is okay, I'd tell myself.

It was hard and took me a while to change my reaction. Even a little. It helped when I accepted my feelings even though I was doubly angry at me. I think (and again I am only speaking for myself) that I had not been able to accept my negative feelings, feelings of being wrong, etc.

Case in point: I couldn't find $20 that I'd put away in a "safe place". I was upset but started talking to myself reminding myself positive things- it is only 20, not 100 or 200 or even 25! I thought I'd really thrown it out, so I told myself, I accept it. I am not mad at myself... of course I was a bit but it was better than usual.

And guess what? I found my $20 a couple of days later!

[Squirl]

thanks Wildflower! I did find the key after giving up......it was in a file folder that is usually kept in the home safe and I went to return it to its place and notice it was bulky. The key!

My mother died in June after a 4 year decline in the Valley of Dementia. So, I guess this fear is part of my self loathing over losing the key.

[cb at sea]

Getting aggravated with yourself, I can see. "Loathing" yourself is a bit much.