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Hello everyone. This summer I moved across the country to get some (literal and figurative) distance from my toxic family. While it's been an overwhelmingly positive change thus far, I am rather conflicted now that the holidays are here. Not that we ever did the happy family holidays thing, but it is uncomfortable to be alone when so many people will be getting together with large groups of family and friends.
For people in a similar situation, what do you do instead (I do not know anyone here well enough to attend their family's Thanksgiving, so that is not an option)? How do you deal with people's questions of what your plans are without having to reveal you are estranged from your family?
go volunteer some where
I work all holidays I have a pet service
In many instances, not being with family is not the issue. The issue is worrying about what others may think about you if you're not spending the day with relatives.
In the final analysis, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks; and reasons or excuses are unnecessary.
.....
EXACTLY! And that is why I am consciously always honest regarding my family estrangement. I want to lessen the stigma with " in yo face honesty."
Half the time all the awesome times we think we are missing with "family" are just Hallmark fantasy holidays.
Remember the drunk uncles, the angry brother, the jealous sister in law, the bragging cousins--the drama lovers? There will be the one or two inconsiderate relatives who show up late or complain Mom is cooking too early, too late, or they don't eat fat/meat/vegetarian/pasta sauces/desserts.
They are more likely the characters you will meet in real life at these "wonderful family events."
I like to stay home with my husband and son, cook what WE like, eat when WE want, and chill. Avoiding DRAMA is great.
Half the time all the awesome times we think we are missing with "family" are just Hallmark fantasy holidays.
Remember the drunk uncles, the angry brother, the jealous sister in law, the bragging cousins--the drama lovers? There will be the one or two inconsiderate relatives who show up late or complain Mom is cooking too early, too late, or they don't eat fat/meat/vegetarian/pasta sauces/desserts.
They are more likely the characters you will meet in real life at these "wonderful family events."
I like to stay home with my husband and son, cook what WE like, eat when WE want, and chill. Avoiding DRAMA is great.
What makes me sad when I allow myself to think about it is that when Mom and Dad were alive, and my Aunt and Uncle just lived across town, and Grandma too, we got together as extended family often. I even got to know my grandmothers sisters and brothers and their families. We shared holidays. We had Easter. Grandma had Thanksgiving, and my Aunt had Christmas. My cousins and I together were a year apart. I was an only child but felt like I had brothers and sister.
Then cousins got married, moved, divorced, we moved, people died....
My ex's family took me in and I do care for them, but their still not my own. I don't notice it most of the time, but I do when its holiday time and as much as I love my fil, I'd like Dad to be there to enjoy the day with more. We get over losing people we love, and after a while don't think about it, except for the days when we were used to them being there. Love you, Mom, and Dad and Grandma and all the rest.
It's been my experience that some people who are estranged from their families have friends they are close to, who might often be in similar situations, so it's easier for people like that.
Since I've been the black sheep of my family for too many years to count, I've learned how to have more enjoyable holidays with close friends who've been far more nurturing and fun loving than what I ever experienced in my own family.
It used to bother me that I didn't have a more loving family, especially if I met others who came from loving homes. Now that I'm older and a little wiser, I'm better at accepting what is, as opposed to wishing, hoping and praying for what, apparently, isn't meant to be.
I remember as a kid we didn't have any aunts or uncles (my parents spent many years estranged from my mother's family). We did have my fathers numerous aunts and uncles that would visit and spend time with us at the holidays or on weekends.
When this older generation died or got sick, all that ended. Then the next one gets too old or tired to make it to events or gatherings. Or, like in our case, we live too far away to just hop over to the home state and visit. People no longer get a week of at Christmas like when I was younger. We can't go to our home state for a day because of traffic, weather, and lack of time.
My son is an only and has no family on either side that wants to have a real relationship. All he has is myself and my husband. This hurts and makes me sad. I just hope he eventually marries and has a nice wife with a decent family.
After my mom died and then dad lost it, I had to not be alone for Thanksgiving. There is a science fiction Convention which has been held for many years in Los Angeles called Loscon. Its put on by LASFS *Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society* founded in the early thirties and never missed a meeting since. It's the oldest science fiction club in the world. This was my second family. What made the difference for me when family was gone was this family was still there. I call some of the people I care about friends, but they're really more than that. And as the con starts the Friday after turkey day, I went to every one of them until I moved.
Moving was good and necessary, but my friends and local fandom was the part I missed the most. I tried to go back to LA for the con one year. It got very cold and I worried about pipes and house and yet if I had someone to make sure house and four legged kids were all right, If the money was there I'd go. Family is not just what your born with or move into, but what you find. Fandom to me IS my family now. I went to a convention in OKC a couple years ago, not knowing anyone, and had a blast, and felt completely comfortable. I even got to go to the private closing party. I've not just attended cons but worked them most of the time, run regrestration at one small one, the con suit at a few and assorted other jobs which make you feel like you belong. I belonged. I spent the weekend following thanksgiving looking up old stuff about past conventions and missed them terribly.
It's made me think about ways to reach out and find my like people even if its not going to be as easy as back there in California. I know they're here. I just don't know how to find them. Yet.
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