Excommunicated; struggling to survive on "boyfriend" (sleep, bipolar, insurance)

[bella92]

Hello, first- thanks for reading my post, it is much appreciated. I'll try to keep this to only the essentials as I would really like some feedback on what I am experiencing right now.

Let's start with how I met the guy: two years ago at month long yoga retreat in Hawaii when I was in my mid 20's. I fell in love with who I will name Adam on literally the first conversation I had with him. I became madly in love as the month progressed. It just so happened that we were both returning to Manhattan after Hawaii- myself because I was starting graduate school and him because he was an extremely successful business owner operating out of the area. I was shocked to find out after I fell in love with him that he was twice my age- although I assumed he was in his late 30's by his striking and fit appearance and youthful attitude. (He was 55 at the time). There were not indicators at the time he was the extremely wealthy man I later learned he was.

Skip forward a month: we started a relationship moving back to Manhattan, where I knew nobody as I was just beginning a full time masters program (relocated to NYC from overseas). I couldn't help but notice his constant mood swings and abusive behavior which negatively affected my work and ability to have consistent relationships with budding friendships, which ultimately ceased to exist. I found out about 6 months later he had bipolar and borderline disorder which he is still only mildly treated for, and stubbornly resists. I had never experienced anything so volatile and abusive, except with my father.

An integral part of understanding this story is understanding my family dynamic. I grew up in a very religious community in which I was ex-communicated from a couple of years back from my family and friends I grew up with. I am happy to not be involved in the religion or lifestyle anymore, but leaving was a heavy price to pay. My family refuses to talk to me, help me with finances, and for the most part my friends from the community don't talk to me much anymore either. I have a feeling of deep abandonment that I need serious therapy for- that I can't afford on my own.

During the 2 years Adam and I have been "together," he slowly started paying for things: first some clothes and food, then schoolbooks and a couple courses, then eventually my school tuition, apartment, and a credit card for every single expense. He pays for my entire existence. I am in a low-paying profession and all of my school funds were slashed when I was ex-communicated and I would like to avoid severe debt going into my most compelling talent, my low paying profession.

I can say that I truly love him, and I would even marry him if it wasn't for his untreated bipolar and borderline ways, extreme rages and consistent abuse. He listens to me sometimes, provides some emotional solace, and provides for me financially. I can say this is more than anybody else is doing right now. I very much enjoy his company when he's not in an "off" mood which I have to say is 50/50. This is not a typical "sugar daddy" relationship as I do have genuine feelings, although due to the abuse its safe to say I would leave if I had enough money. I just graduated from school, and am looking for a job. I can be unemployed full-time (therefore relying on his assistance) anywhere from 6 months-9 months in this market if I am lucky.

I need his money to pay for my rent, existence until then as I have nowhere else to turn to pay my Manhattan rental contract he set in place, my significant health insurance,my existing school loans, and the therapy I so desperately need but cannot afford to help with the abandonment/excommunication and the abuse I suffered from my Dad growing up. He not only benefits me financially, but emotionally in some ways because I feel not emotionally abandoned (in some ways) and also cared for in a way I've never experienced my whole life. This, despite the abuse, has been invaluable as sad, pathetic and codependent as it sounds.

Sometimes I feel crazy I actually enjoy spending time with him- he's the #1 person i want to spend time with because I love/hate him at the same time with his bipolar. We will never have a future together. I just want to get therapy, get a job, and stand on my own 2 feet without feeling like I'm going to emotionally fall apart. The only solution I see to this is relying on him for the next stage of my life, and unfortunately for a little longer as my career field is so low paying I may need to be subsidized with a starter job in non profits until I move up the ranks.

Sometimes I feel crazy about what's going on. What's your take? I just don't know another way to survive financially and emotionally given the circumstances. Crazy or necessary step due to circumstances? I would definitely go to an "excommunicated" support group here in the city but there are none for my religion. Thanks so much.

[Billy_J]

No relationship is perfect, there are less desirable things in every relationship you need to tolerate daily.

Same with jobs, there are less desirable people and circumstances with every job we must put up with on a daily basis.

So just think of him as a "job" for now! And consider his "issues" as something you need to put up with and that it is a job requirement. That you can move on "to another job" at some time in the future.

You also may be able to do a bit of "negotiating" with him as to the relationship/"job". Maybe arrange to hang up the phone on him or walk away if he is being abusive - not tolerate the more bothersome things.

The most mentally healthy thing for you to do of course would be to totally get out of that situation, maybe move elsewhere where you can get a job at McDonalds and find a roommate or low rent situation which you can afford (much lower rent in other parts of the country - roommate situations even lower rent). So decisions, decisions! No one said life is easy... (Things get MUCH better when you get out of school, but being a broke student is certainly not fun!)

[georgia dem]

oh good grief
you need therapy!
you " fell in love at the first conversation"???
then "madly in love the first month"
this is not love it is HOSTAGE
you seem to have a connection to your father as this guy is like him, so you said
he IS tour sugar daddy since that was your label
you said if he did not pay for everything you would not be involved
it is like being a prostitute
and you are blaming everything on your family
hell if you are in grad school, you should know better
quit lying to yourself
quit selling yourself
you can get low cost therapy
shoot, you could fin a 12 step program for free
if you do not get some reality, one day you will wake up and be 50 and still doing this crap
give yourself the gift of self respect

[Utopian Slums]

Wow. He's paying for a lot of your life so you are in a tough position.

I say the following not as a therapist, but as a realist giving you advice. If you fall in love so easily, there are many other rich men in the city to do so with who might also "pay for you." Many people with your *skills also work their way through school by exotic dancing.

If you don't feel comfortable going that way, most students nowadays DO graduate w loans. Also, you qualify for free health care via ACA in NY if you are unemployed. That leaves only your rent for which you can get a roommate and/or job.

Good luck to you!

(*skills: I'm assuming you're going into a "social" or teaching profession since these are low pay. If you can do yoga, you are probably flexible, slim, and could quickly learn dance.)

[bella92]

Just clearing some stuff up guys:

-Sex is infrequent with us. In fact, most times he does not initiate sex, although I do at times as I am attracted to him. You can say whatever you want about calling me a prostitute or call girl but a central focus of our relationship is not sex. He is a very attractive man who is able to date or sleep with many beautiful women. Like I said, when I first met him I thought he was in his late 30’s. He doesn’t give me money because I give him sex. I’m not in denial; it’s just a fact. He has no children which he very much regrets and I think he enjoys providing for someone younger than him. Perhaps it was a mistake to post this on here in the first place as the dynamic of our relationship is very unique and can be hard for anyone to understand.

I am not interested in the sex industry.

Here is a possible educational article for those interested:
https://www.seekingarrangement.com/b...-prostitution/

[RonkonkomaNative]

Is he physically abusive? Describe his rages. What do you mean when you say "mildly treated for"?

[GiGi603]

Originally Posted by bella92

Sometimes I feel crazy I actually enjoy spending time with him-

Sometimes I feel crazy about what's going on. What's your take?

Yes, you are crazy.