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I am such an impatient person it is starting to worry me. For instance, my husband moves very slowly because of medical issues so when we come out of a store and I get to my car and he is just making it out the door I feel a flush of red that I have to wait and wait on him. Even in the rain he won't move any faster. When we get out of the car I am out and he is just getting the door open. So I stand and stand because I can't lock the car without the door being shut. I get angry. I don't say anything just fume. When he does something that I know he cannot do because of his medical issues and he does it anyway and hurts himself that's when I go off. Like I said it is me and not him. Does anyone have these issue and what have you done to help yourself? Thank you
Have always been an inpatient person and couldn't control it even when dealing with my wife's 3 1/2 year battle with dementia. Her final six months were almost unbearable and I prayed for her demise partly for her suffering, but also for my selfish reasons. She was totally helpless, bed-ridden and had no control over any bodily function. The physical and mental stress of caregiving had me forgetting to lock the door at night, turn off the stove, etc.
But when this sweet soul died four weeks ago, Instead of feeling relief. I cried tears of guilt for days. The tears have subsided but the guilt remains and if I had the guts I'd do what Judas finally did.
What have I done to help myself? Nothing can be done.
I have been in this situation twice with my mother (dementia) and late husband (cancer) and the self-loathing resulting from impatience with those who cannot manage any better than they do is understandable.
My mother passed away almost a year ago. My late husband over a decade ago.. Last evening, thinking of this first Mother's Day without her, I was shedding some tears for this very reason. Why wasn't I more patient? Why didn't I give her more quality time?
When people you love become severely limited, it magnifies the sadness of this situation; especially true when there is a personal history with that person as whole and functional. You feel trapped, restricted, angry with both the situation and yourself for your impatience. You see this is not going to get better, only worse, and often you hope for the inevitable end to the daily frustration.
This is natural. We are not saints. We have to do our best when we can, and at this point forgive ourselves. We need to ask for help and arrange for others to do some tasks when we are overwhelmed. And, with this new enlightenment, perhaps we can voluteer to help others in the same situation.
Often we are angry and frustrated with the situation and focus it onto a person. Possibly this is what is happening here?
Something which may help is Emotional Freedom Technique and can be DIY'd if you so choose but generally I think that an acceptance of life and its circumstances are necessary before we can feel the calmness this brings.
I am such an impatient person it is starting to worry me. For instance, my husband moves very slowly because of medical issues so when we come out of a store and I get to my car and he is just making it out the door I feel a flush of red that I have to wait and wait on him. Even in the rain he won't move any faster. When we get out of the car I am out and he is just getting the door open. So I stand and stand because I can't lock the car without the door being shut. I get angry. I don't say anything just fume. When he does something that I know he cannot do because of his medical issues and he does it anyway and hurts himself that's when I go off. Like I said it is me and not him. Does anyone have these issue and what have you done to help yourself? Thank you
So why did you marry him?
I didn't expect a wife with physical problems. I didn't expect a wife with psychological problems. I didn't expect to have my child in the hospital for her first two months of life. I didn't expect to be limited in my life by their subsequent limitations, but they have them and I am thus limited. It's my choice to stay and celebrate the times when things work and to support them when things don't work.
There are things I can do to make my life easier. "You can't do that. Let me (do it for you|help you)." I'm lazy, and I have no desire to play nursemaid unnecessarily. At the same time I'm there in the hospital after the 911 call. I'm there at the other end of the phone when something happens a thousand miles away and I'd rather be doing something else. I cancel events that I'd prefer to attend.
Why did you marry him?
Btw, this is therapeutic to me to reflect on where I am.
What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you were the one incapacitated? How would you like to be treated? Imagine living his life for a day.
I just spent the last two months dealing with 5 emergency room visits, two of which were for my daughter 1,000 miles away from me with me hovering over a cell phone and a computer texting chaperones and my wife who was out of town and talking with doctors caring for my daughter; one 911 call; two cancelled trips to NYC; and lots of "vacation" time used for their medical issues. Oh, and we had a guinea pig with a UTI. "Hi 'Boss', I need to leave work early today to deal with our guinea pig's medical emergency." It's that or he dies. One of the ER visits resulted in a surgery for our daughter, who is having issues even now, causing one of the cancelled NYC trips.
My health is fine. I'm in good shape. Physically and mentally I'm fast. I can do most anything I want. Why should I be limited by them? Really, why can't they just get their act together and be healthy?!
I married him young. I was 19 and he was 23. I knew him when I was 13. He is not the same man I married nor am I the same person. I want no harm to come to him but I am not a strong caregiver. He is in real orthopaedic pain it is real. He is on Methadone. He needs a shoulder replacement but he has stage 3 kidney disease a quad bypass and a pacemaker and 3 stents and they don't know if he can survive the surgery. There. He wants to get off the Methadone but won't do it medically. He thinks if he just quits taking it nothing will happen to him... Withdrawal kills. A couple of times I have caught him trying to hide not taking the methadone and I caught him. If I hadn't caught him and he went long enough he would start withdrawing and I don't know what he would do because he wouldn't be in his right mind so we fight about him not taking the pills. Why did I marry him ? He wasn't the same person he is today and today I don't like this person. He is a liar and very deceitful. He would also drink if I didn't throw such a ***** fit when he mentions it. Comes from a family of alcoholics but back then I didn't know much about stuff like that. Poor pitiful me can't take much more. Soon I will have reached my limit. Thanks
tarajane, ...sounds like you need a break, for sure.
Maybe you're taking on more than you really need to.
Unless your husband suffers from a mental disorder, there's really no need for you to be checking up on his use/not use of alcohol and methadone.
He's an adult, and maybe you should quit treating him as if he were a child...maybe that's why you're soooo stressed out.
Why not take a break, for your sake, from constant care-giving, and instead think of him as a friend with disabilities.....don't take control of his life, let him deal with his disabilities without you looking over his shoulder like a mama hen.
Let him come off the drugs any way he wants....he's an adult, respect that about him.
But if I did let him do what he wanted I would be there to see him in horrible agony. I have thought many times about just giving him all his meds including heart, kidney meds and let him be in charge and say have at it. but he would not keep them straight. Have you taken your morning pills, no have you taken your night pills no, do you need a pain pill no. That's on my mind 24/7. My ship is about to sink and I have no life vest. I am going to find a good therapist, don't know how to find a good one but I will work on it. Maybe it's ME that needs therapy to learn how to deal with this. Take care
The idea of a therapist for you, really more of a counselor, is good I think. You have a good sense of where you are and what you want and need. I came from alcoholism, so I understand an element of what you face with your husband. Also, lying and deceit are clearly counter to a good marriage, even under good conditions.
Can your husband's doctor recommend a counselor for caregivers, specifically for someone who is a caregiver for a spouse? If your husband is in a hospital or nursing home, can they give a recommendation?
You are going through a lot. Getting some insight as to how to deal with it in general as well as specifics to your situation makes good sense.
Good luck!
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Impatience
