Anyone have a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder? (personality disorders, recovery, therapy)
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She has been in and out of institutions, cutting her wrists, tons of different meds, therapy, etc.
Then she met my friend (yes, they are gay) and my friend is very stable. She set boundaries and refused to get manipulated and played and a miracle happened. After half a year, no more meds, no cutting, nothing.
She still goes to therapy and has an anger outburst every now and then, but other than that, is pretty normal.
All because my friend is calm, stable and doesn't let her get away with causing drama.
I think my bf is borderline also and as long as I am not rubbing him the wrong way, he is pretty stable. However, we have a lot of drama because I have to be very careful how I word things and sometimes I snap. He can get mad within a second and stay that way for a week. His anxiety comes and goes but doesn't affect me too much. I don't think he will ever get better.
I think it is all about a stable, calm partner that makes the difference.
All because my friend is calm, stable and doesn't let her get away with causing drama ...
I think it is all about a stable, calm partner that makes the difference.
Thanks. That's interesting and gives a little hope
I try to be calm. It's hard sometimes when something that seems so minor, like being 5 minutes late from work, can spoil the whole evening. Usually if I do get a little worked up, it's along the lines of "you need to stop letting this ruin your whole day". It will be good to learn some proven strategies.
Thanks. That's interesting and gives a little hope
I try to be calm. It's hard sometimes when something that seems so minor, like being 5 minutes late from work, can spoil the whole evening. Usually if I do get a little worked up, it's along the lines of "you need to stop letting this ruin your whole day". It will be good to learn some proven strategies.
If you look on amazon, there are several books that can help you cope better with someone with BPD, like stop walking on eggshells. The real trouble comes in is with your daughter. But she might be able to learn some techniques too.
Is your marriage therapist a psychiatrist? For your wife, she really needs to meet with a psychiatrist, preferably someone who knows and understands BPD. It's not supposed to be a quick diagnosis, I'd be cautious of a psychiatrist who would diagnosis her in 1 or 2 sessions.
After the diagnosis then you can find treatment, usually DBT and often CBT along with it.
BPD is not the "hopeless" diagnosis it used to be. There are now treatment options that can greatly improve the life of someone with BPD.
Of course none of the above is helpful if your wife refuses treatment or doesn't want to change. That's
First of all, I think the counselor took the wrong approach- one that made your wife feel like if she has borderline personality disorder (which is just a list of symptoms) that is somehow responsible for it and if your wife doesn't want to go back it's because she didn't feel heard.
Borderline personality disorder has quite a range and many people fit on the continuum. It is rooted in early abandonment feels or actual abandonment and trauma. In a way, it is much like chronic ptsd. Abandonment is a huge trigger for folks with this disorder-remember their brains have been affected by trauma so now it's chemical. Our brains are basically a bowl of chemicals reacting to our experiences which then change our chemicals. I don't know if your wife really wanted to die but I do know that she was overwhelmed/flooded by her emotion and it felt like she was drowning- just from what you said, I can see this. By the therapist immediately going to pathologizing and labeling, she ****ed up. Also we therapists almost never actually officially diagnose a patient with borderline personality to protect them- insurance companies don't like it. It is actually curable in many but insurance companies don't want you to know that. The basic treatment is DBT which teaches a lot of self soothing mechanisms among other useful things but this only addressed symptoms not cause. Successful treatment will also involved long term individual therapy with someone who is very compassionate toward people suffering with this. This disorder was created in relationship with primary caretakers during babyhood and it will only really be healed in relationship that also changes the brain.
Borderlines are often successful at suicide eventually if they are constantly driven to that place without real intensive tx. It is very sad because few of them really want to die. They want the pain to stop. They want to actually feel seen and loved.
If you are going to travel, get her in individual tx first with someone she really connects with who is patient and steady and not punitive. Also see if there is a DBT group in your area but that primary therapist is most important. That this poor woman is suffering from Bipolar one which is very traumatic and Borderline personality disorder means she is very high risk for suicide. She needs unconditional love which does not mean be a doormat. It means be clear that you love her even if she is freaking out and you don't like her. You can say"your behavior right now is awful for me but I love you and I'm sorry you are hurting". She may believe you can fix her but you can't do it alone- you can help by understanding that her brain is not processing things the way that a healthier person would. When she is triggered you are basically dealing with young child in an adult body. Help her set up a "love cage", people in her life who genuinely care for her plus that awesome shrink you are going to find and these people should have plans with her when you are gone. She is probably experiencing your leaving with the same terror she experienced early abandonment and feels helpless. It will take time for her to learn she is not helpless. She is not trying to hurt you. She is trying to survive
For the couple posts above, thanks. I'm in Utah. Her regular psychiatrist is affiliated with the University of Utah. She has been going to him for about 10 years. He's ok, not super and not terrible. Mostly he does medication management. We've tried others but haven't found one that is really good. It's hard to try new ones because most aren't seeing new patients.
She really liked her latest personal therapist, but after about 6 months she decided she didn't need to go any more. Of course I disagreed and still encourage her to go. She won't
The exact approach the marriage counselor took was not to diagnose her. When we started describing what was going on, the therapist asked if she had ever been diagnosed with BPD, which she hadn't. The therapist then suggested the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and that was about it. We continued the session, which was basically a familiarization session.
I then did some research on the symptoms and they really seemed to fit. I asked my wife if she felt like she had any, to which she replied "I guess all of them ;(" Then a few minutes later, it was like a switch flipped and she became defensive and accusatory, saying everyone is just trying to label her. I don't really even care about labels or diagnoses. I see behavior that needs to change.
Now it's completely blown up and my wife doesn't want to go back. And she's cycling through all sorts of moods. Last night we went out and I turned the radio on in the car. She got very mad because she felt like I wasn't listening to her. I apologized and said that was insensitive. She stewed for about an hour and then flipped to talking about how great I was for sticking with her through all her problems and was in a good mood the rest of the night. This morning we went jogging. We got back to the house and I wanted to go a little farther. When I returned, she was moody, saying I just like to show her up and try to prove I'm better than her.
There was also an incident this where our son and daughter were watching TV downstairs. I had them come up, and they left the light on. They were arguing over who should do it. I told them to work it out, but there would be no more electronic usage until the light turned off. My wife got angry and said our son doesn't leave lights on (not true his light was on in his room when we got home last night), so it was our daughter's fault and she needed to turn it off. It turns out the the TV remote was also missing. I again said the kids had it last so they needed to help look for it. Again my wife said it was my daughter's fault and not my son's. I'm honestly confused about the negative focus on our daughter. I need to bring those things up at the next session.
The negative focus on your daughter is hallmark BPD behavior. I've mentioned it before, but as a girl becomes a woman, a woman with BPD will see her as a threat and she will become the enemy. Does your wife have any female friends? Does she tend to feud with females, or have paranoid thoughts about them? Women with BPD tend to have trouble with females. Including their daughters.
On the other hand they often idealize sons.
Also, its very common for people with BPD to have a "golden child" and a kicking bag.
I suggest another good read once you are done with "eggshells" (which I am not a super fan of, honestly). Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. This will mostly be about your daughter's relationship with your wife...it does go into the men who love borderline women. But it doesn't address sons, unfortunately. There are a few things in it that are a little gloom and doom, but its a very good read and can help you understand more what is going on in your daughter and wife's relationship. I feel like you are minimizing what is happening between them. But you did have a post about them going at each other's throat in parenting. So something major is going on. BPD fits.
Yes she has paranoid thoughts. She still brings up high school and college girls I knew, that were not even necessarily girlfriends, from 20 years ago. If I talk about anything work-related, her first question is if there were any women present. On the other hand, she does have a female friend she meets with about once a week. She also defaults to calling her mom a lot when she is in a bad mood (so pretty much daily).
Maybe I am minimizing the impact on my daughter. Maybe even my son, even though he's not the "target". I definitely want therapy to be successful for everyone, and I want to minimize damage to the kids, whatever that requires.. I will definitely check out the book suggestions also.
I know Utah is a big state so not sure if this place works location wise. But this is the type of program/therapy I would suggest.
Quote:
We are one of the few local sites that offers the full DBT program, which includes individual therapy, skills group training, telephone coaching, case management, and consultation team. Our DBT team has completed the Behavioral Tech Official DBT Intensive Training. Dialectical Behavior Therapy Program - Utah Center for Evidence Based Treatment
There seems to actually be a few options in Utah. Good luck.
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your wife with bipolar and borderline
